<: Just a little something from Curious George & The Reaper :>

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-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=      HOW TO GO ABOUT MAKING AN H - BOMB       =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=        FACT OR FICTION? : YOU TELL ME         =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
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THE HEART OF THE SUCCESSFUL H-BOMB IS THE SUCCESSFUL A-BOMB. ONCE YOU'VE
GOT YOUR A-BOMBS MADE, THE REST IS FROSTING ON THE CAKE.

1. GETTING THE INGREDIENTS.
     URANIUM IS THE BASIC INGREDIENT OF THE A-BOMB.  THERE ARE TWO KINDS
 OF URANIUM: THE RARE U-235, USED IN BOMBS, AND THE MORE COMMON,
 HEAVIER, BUT USELESS U-238.  NATURAL URANIUM CONTAINS LESS THAN 1
 PERCENT U-235, AND IN ORDER TO BE USABLE IN BOMBS IT HAS TO BE
 "ENRICHED" TO 90 PERCENT U-235. TEN POUNDS OF U-235 (OR SLIGHTLY LESS
 PLUTONIUM) IS ALL THAT IS NECESSARY FOR A BOMB.  IT IS INFINITELY
 EASIER TO STEAL READY-TO-USE, ENRICHED URANIUM OR PLUTONIUM THAN TO
 ENRICH SOME YOURSELF. IF STEALING URANIUM SEEMS TOO TACKY, YOU CAN BUY
 IT.  UNENRICHED URANIUM IS AVAILABLE AT ANY CHEMICAL SUPPLY HOUSE FOR
 $23 A POUND.  COMMERCIAL-GRADE (3 TO 20 PERCENT ENRICHED) IS AVAILABLE
 FOR $40 A POUND FROM GULF ATOMIC.  YOU WILL HAVE TO ENRICH I T FURTHER
 YOURSELF.  QUITE FRANKLY, THIS CAN BE SOMETHING OF A PAIN.  YOU'LL NEED
 TO START WITH A LITTLE MORE THAN 50 POUNDS OF COMMERCIAL GRADE URANIUM
 (IT'S ONLY 20 PERCENT U-235 AT BEST, AND YOU NEED 10 POUNDS OF U-235,
 SO...) BUT, WITH A LITTLE KITCHE N-TABLE CHEMISTRY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO
 CONVERT THE SOLID URANIUM OXIDE YOU'VE PURCHASED INTO A LIQUID FORM.
 ONCE YOU'VE DONE THAT, YOU'LL BE READY TO SEPERATE THE U-235 YOU'LL
 NEED FROM THE U-238. FIRST, POUR A FEW GALLONS OF CONCENTRATED
 HYDROFLUORIC ACID INTO YOUR URANIUM OXIDE, CONVERTING IT TO URANIUM
 TETRAFLUORIDE (SAFETY NOTE: CONCENTRATED HYDROFLUORIC ACID IS SO
 CORROSIVE THAT IT WILL EAT ITS WAY THROUGH GLASS, SO STORE IT ONLY IN
 PLAST IC.  USED TWO-GALLON MILK CONTAINERS WILL DO.) NOW YOU HAVE TO
 CONVERT YOUR URANIUM TETRAFLUORIDE TO URANIUM HEXAFLUORIDE - THE
 GASEOUS FORM OF URANIUM, WHICH IS CONVENIENT FOR SEPERATING OUT THE
 ISOTOPE U-235 FROM U-238. TO GET THE HEXAFLUORIDE FORM, BUBBLE FLUORINE
 GAS INTO YOUR CONTAINER OF URANIUM TETRAFLUORIDE.  FLUORINE IS
 AVAILABLE IN PRESSURIZED TANKS FROM CHEMICAL-SUPPLY FIRMS.  BE CAREFUL
 HOW YOU USE IT, THOUGH, BECAUSE FLUORINE IS SEVERAL TIMES MORE DEADLY
 THAN CHLORINE, THE CLASSIC WORLD WAR I POISON GAS.  CHEMISTS RECOMMEND
 THAT YOU CARRY OUT THIS STEP UNDER A STOVE HOOD (THE KIND USED TO
 REMOVE UNPLEASANT COOKING ODORS). FIRST TRANSFORM THE GAS INTO A LIQUID
 BY SUBJECTING IT TO PRESSURE.  YOU CAN USE A BICYCLE PUMP FOR THIS.
 THEN MAKE A SIMPLE HOME CENTRIFUGE: FILL A STANDARD-SIZE BUCKET
 ONE-QUARTER FULL OF LIQUID URANIUM HEXAFLUORIDE.  ATTACH A SIX-FOOT
 ROPE TO THE BUCKET HANDLE.  NOW SWING THE ROPE(AND ATTACHED BUCKET)
 AROUND YOUR HEAD AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.  KEEP THIS UP FOR ABOUT 45
 MINUTES.  SLOW DOWN GRADUALLY, AND VERY GENTLY PUT THE BUCKET ON THE
 FLOOR.  THE U-235, WHICH IS LIGHTER, WILL HAVE RISEN TO THE TOP, WHERE
 IT CAN BE SKIMMED OFF LIKE CREAM. REPEAT THIS STEP UNTIL YOU HAVE THE
 REQUIRED 10 POUNDS OF URANIUM.  (SAFETY NOTE: DON'T PUT ALL YOUR
 ENRICHED URANIUM HEXAFLUORIDE INTO ONE BUCKET.  USE AT LEAST TWO OR
 THREE BUCKETS AND KEEP THEM IN SEPERATE CORNERS OF THE ROOM.  THIS WILL
 PREVENT T HE PREMATURE BUILDUP OF A CRITICAL MASS.) NOW IT'S TIME TO
 CONVERT YOUR ENRICHED URANIUM BACK TO METAL FORM.  THIS IS EASILY
 ENOUGH ACCOMPLISHED BY SPOONING SEVERAL LADLESFUL OF CALCIUM (AVAILABLE
 IN TABLET FORM FROM YOUR DRUGSTORE) INTO EACH BUCKETFUL OF LIQUID
 URANIUM.  THE CALCIUM WILL RE ACT WITH THE URANIUM HEXAFLUORIDE TO
 PRODUCE CALCIUM FLUORIDE, A COLORLESS SALT WHICH CAN BE EASILY
 SEPARATED FROM YOUR PURE, ENRICHED URANIUM METAL. A FEW PRECAUTIONS.
 URANIUM IS NOT DANGEROUSLY RADIOACTIVE IN THE AMOUNTS YOU'LL BE
 HANDLING.  IF YOU PLAN TO MAKE MORE THAN ONE BOMB, IT MIGHT BE WISE TO
 WEAR GLOVES AND A LEAD APRON, THE KIND YOU CAN BUY IN DENTAL SUPPLY
 STORES.  PLUTONIUM IS ONE O F THE MOST TOXIC SUBSTANCES KNOWN.  IF
 INHALED, A THOUSANDTH OF A GRAM CAN CAUSE MASSIVE FIBROSIS OF THE
 LUNGS, A PAINFUL WAY TO GO.  EVEN A MILLIONTH OF A GRAM IN THE LUNGS
 WILL CAUSE CANCER.  IF EATEN, PLUTONIUM IS METABOLIZED LIKE CALCIUM.
 IT GOES STR AIGHT TO THE BONES, WHERE IT GIVES OUT ALPHA PARTICLES,
 PREVENTING BONE MARROW FROM MANUFACTURING RED BLOOD CELLS. THE BEST WAY
 TO AVOID INHALING URANIUM IS TO HOLD YOUR BREATH WHILE HANDLING IT.  IF
 THIS IS TOO DIFFICULT, WEAR A MASK.  TO AVOID INGESTING PLUTONIUM
 ORALLY, FOLLOW THIS SIMPLE RULE: NEVER MAKE AN A-BOMB ON AN EMPTY
 STOMACH.  IF YOU FOND YOURSELF DO ZING OFF WHILE YOU'RE WORKING OR IF
 YOU BEGIN TO GLOW IN THE DARK, IT MIGHT BE WISE TO TAKE A BLOOD COUNT.

2.  STUFFING YOUR A-BOMB
     YOU WILL NOW HAVE THREE OR FOUR BOWLS OF URANIUM METAL.  KEEP THE
 BOWLS COVERED - YOU DON'T WANT YOUR SILVERY WHITE URANIUM TO TARNISH.
 NOW TAKE ABOUT FIVE POUNDS OF THE URANIUM AND PACK IT INTO A
 HEMISPHERIC STEEL BOWL (A STAINLESS STEEL SALAD BOWL SHOULD DO).
 URANIUM IS MALLEABLE - LIKE GOLD - SO YOU SHOULD HAVE NO TROUBLE
 HAMMERING IT INTO THE BOWL TO GET A GOOD FIT.  TAKE ANOTHER FIVE-POUND
 HUNK OF URANIUM AND FIT IT INTO A SECOND STAINLESS-STEEL BOWL. THESE
 TWO BOWLS OF U-235 ARE THE "SUB-CRITICAL MASSES," WHICH WHEN BROUGHT
 TOGETHER FORCEFULLY WILL PROVIDE THE CRITICAL MASS THAT MAKES YOUR
 A-BOMB GO.  KEEP THEM A RESPECTFUL DISTANCE APART WHILE WORKING,
 BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO "GO CRITICAL " ON YOU...  AT LEAST NOT
 YET. NOW HOLLOW OUT THE BODY OF AN OLD VACUUM CLEANER AND PLACE YOUR
 TWO HEMISPHERICAL BOWLS INSIDE, OPEN ENDS FACING EACH OTHER, NO LESS
 THAN SEVEN INCHES APART, USING MASKING TAPE TO SET THEM IN POSITION.
 THE REASON FOR STEEL BOWLS AND THE VACUUM CLEAN ER, IN CASE YOU'RE
 WONDERING, IS THAT THEY HELP REFLECT NEUTRONS BACK INTO THE URANIUM FOR
 A MORE EFFICIENT EXPLOSION.  "A LOOSE NEUTRON IS A USELESS NEUTRON," AS
 THE A-BOMB PIONEERS USED TO SAY. AS FAR AS THE A-BOMB GOES, YOU'RE
 ALMOST DONE.  THE FINAL PROBLEM IS TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET THE TWO
 U-235 HEMISPHERES TO SMASH INTO EACH OTHER WITH SUFFICIENT FORCE TO SET
 OFF A TRULY EFFECTIVE FISSION REACTION.  ALMOST ANY TYPE OF EXPLOSIVE
 CAN BE USED TO DRIVE THEM TOGETHER.  GUNPOWDER, FOR EXAMPLE, IS EASILY
 MADE AT HOME FROM POTASSIUM NITRATE, SULFUR, AND CARBON.  OR YOU CAN
 GET SOME BLASTING CAPS OR TNT.  BEST OF ALL IS C4 PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE.
 YOU CAN MOLD IT AROUND YOUR BOWLS AND IT'S FAIRLY S AFE TO WORK WITH
 (BUT IT MIGHT BE WISE TO SHAPE IT AROUND AN EXTRA SALAD BOWL IN ANOTHER
 ROOM AND THEN FIT IT TO YOUR STAINLESS STEEL BOWLS).  ONCE THE
 EXPLOSIVES ARE IN PLACE, ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TO HOOK UP A SIMPLE
 DETONATION DEVICE WITH A FEW BATTERI ES, A SWITCH, AND SOME WIRE.
 REMEMBER, THOUGH IT IS ESSENTIAL THAT THE TWO CHARGES, ONE ON EACH SIDE
 OF THE CASING, GO OFF AT ONCE. NOW PUT THE WHOLE THING IN THE CASING OF
 AN OLD HOOVER VACUUM CLEANER, AND YOU'RE FINISHED WITH THIS PART OF THE
 PROCESS.  THE REST IS EASY. A WORD TO THE WISE ABOUT WASTES: AFTER YOUR
 A-BOMB IS COMPLETED, YOU'LL HAVE A PILE OF MODERATELY FATAL RADIOACTIVE
 WASTES LIKE U-238.  THESE ARE NOT DANGEROUS, BUT YOU DO HAVE TO GET RID
 OF THEM.  YOU CAN FLUSH LEFTOVERS DOWN THE TOILET(DON'T WORRY ABOUT
 POLLUTING THE OCEAN; THERE IS ALREADY SO MUCH RADIOACTIVE WASTE THERE,
 A FEW MORE BUCKETFULS WON'T MAKE WAVES), OR IF YOU'RE THE MORE
 FASTIDIOUS TYPE - THE KIND WHO NEVER LEAVES GUM UNDER THEIR SEAT AT
 MOVIES - YOU CAN SEAL THE NASTY STUFF IN COFFEE CANS AND BURY IT IN THE
 BACK YARD - JUST LIKE UNCLE SAM DOES.  IF THE NEIGHBORS' KIDS HAVE A
 HABIT OF TRAMPLING THE LAWN, TELL THEM TO PLAY OVER BY THE WASTE.
 YOU'LL SOON FIND THAT THEY'RE SPENDING MOST OF THEIR TIME IN BED. MAKE
 THREE MORE A-BOMBS, FOLLOWING THE DIRECTION ABOVE.

3.  ASSEMBLING YOUR H-BOMB
     THE HEART OF THE H-BOMB IS THE FUSION PROCESS.  SEVERAL A-BOMBS ARE
DETONATED IN SUCH A WAY AS TO CREATE THE EXTREMELY HIGH TEMPERATURE (100
MILLION DEGREES C.) NECESSARY TO FUSE LITHIUM DEUTERIDE (LID) INTO
HELIUM.  WHEN THE LITHIUM NUCLEUS SLAMS INTO THE DEUTERIUM NUCLEUS, TWO
HELIUM NUCLEI ARE CREATED, AND IF THIS HAPPENS TO ENOUGH DEUTERIUM
NUCLEI RAPIDLY ENOUGH THE RESULT IS AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ENERGY, THE
ENERGY OF THE H-BOMB. LITHIUM DEUTERIDE CAN BE PURCHASED FROM ANY
CHEMICAL SUPPLY HOUSE.  IT COSTS $1,000 A POUND.  IF YOUR BUDGET WON'T
ALLOW IT, YOU CAN SUBSTITUTE LITHIUM HYDRIDE AT $40 A POUND.  YOU WILL
NEED AT LEAST 100 POUNDS: IT'S A CORROSIVE AND TOXIC POWDER, SO BE C
AREFUL.  PLACE THE LITHIUM DEUTERIDE OR HYDRIDE IN GLASS JARS AND
SURROUND IT WITH FOUR A-BOMBS IN THEIR CASINGS.  ATTACH EACH ONE TO THE
SAME DETONATOR SO THAT THEY WILL GO OFF SIMULTANEOUSLY.  THE CONTAINER
FOR THE WHOLE THING IS NO PROBLEM.  THEY CAN B E PLACED ANYWHERE (INSIDE
AN OLD STEREO CONSOLE, A DISCARDED REFRIGERATOR, ETC.).  WHEN THE
DETONATOR SETS OFF THE FOUR A-BOMBS, ALL EIGHT HEMISPHERES OF
FISSIONABLE MATERIAL WILL SLAM INTO EACH OTHER, CREATING FOUR CRITICAL
MASSES AND FOUR DETONATIONS. THIS WILL RAISE THE TEMPERATURE OF THE
LITHIUM DEUTERIDE TO 100 MILLION DEGREES C.  FAST ENOUGH (A FEW
BILLIONTHS OF A SECOND) SO THAT THE LITHIUM WILL NOT BE BLOWN ALL OVER
THE NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE THE NUCLEI HAVE TIME TO FUSE.  THE RESULT: AT
LEAST 1,000 TIMES THE PUNCH OF THE PUNY A-BOMB THAT LEVELED HIROSHIMA
(20 MILLION TONS OF TNT VS.  20,000 TONS).

4.  USING YOUR BOMB AT HOME
     MANY FAMILIES ARE ATTRACTED TO THE H-BOMB AS A DETERRENT.  A
DISCREET STICKER ON THE DOOR OR ON THE LIVING ROOM WINDOW SAYING "THIS
HOME PROTECTED BY H-BOMB" WILL DISCOURAGE IRS INVESTIGATORS, CENSUS
TAKERS, AND JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES.  YOU'LL BE SURPRI SED HOW FAST THE
CRIME RATE GOES DOWN AND PROPERTY VALUES WILL GO UP.  AND, ONCE THE NEWS
GETS OUT THAT YOU ARE A HOME H-BOMB OWNER YOU'LL FIND THAT YOU HAVE
UNEXPECTED LEVERAGE IN NEIGHBORHOOD DISPUTES OVER EVERYTHING FROM
PARKING PLACES AND STEREO NOISE LEVELS TO SCHOOL-TAX RATES.

5.  OVERCOMING ANXIETY
     NAYSAYERS AND DOOM-MONGERS HAVE TRIED TO DISCREDIT EVERYTHING
NUCLEAR, FROM ENERGY TO WAR.  THEY SAY RADIATION IS BAD FOR YOU.
EVERYTHING IS BAD FOR YOU IF YOU HAVE TOO MUCH OF IT.  IF YOU EAT TOO
MANY BANANAS, YOU'LL GET A STOMACHACHE.  IF YOU GET TOO MUCH SUN, YOU
CAN GET SUNBURNED (OR EVEN GET SKIN CANCER.) SAME THING WITH RADIATION.
TOO MUCH MAY MAKE YOU FEEL UNDER THE WEATHER.  BUT IT MAY ALSO BRING
UNEXPECTED BENEFITS.  IT SPEEDS UP EVOLUTION BY WEEDING OUT UNWANTED
GENETIC TYPES AND CREATING NEW ONES.  (REMEMBER THE OLD SAYING, "TWO
HEADS ARE BETTE R THAN ONE.") NEARER HOME, IT'S PLAIN THAT RADIATION
WILL GET RID OF PESKY CRABGRASS AND WEEDS, AND TEEN-AGERS WILL FIND THAT
BRIEF EXPOSURE TO A NUCLEAR BURST VAPORIZES ACNE AND OTHER SKIN
BLEMISHES.  MANY SURVIVORS OF THE HIROSHIMA BOMB FOUND THEY WERE FREE
FROM SKIN, AND ITS ATTENDANT PROBLEMS, FOREVER.

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