RED  DWARF  VI - Episode three
                       ------------------------------

                          Gunmen of The Apocalypse
                          ------------------------
 
Transcribed by Mik Stevens


A black and white dockside scene.   An attractive young woman is stood on the
dock dressed in 1920's American clothes.  A Black Sedan pull up in the Moonlight
and Lister steps out.  He's dressed as a detective.  


LISTER  :   Maybe it's the moonlight but I've got to admit you're looking pretty
good for a corpse.

LORETTA :  Philip, I can explain everything.

LISTER  :  Let me save you the trouble. It was you that planned Pallisters
murder but your twin sister Maxine squibbed him off. You decided to take the rap
knowing you had the perfect alibi in me.  That's why you came on so strong that
night. Play me for the dumb sap I am.

LORETTA :  Philip, it wasn't like that, not with you.

LISTER  :  Oh yeah.

LORETTA  :  So what you going to do, turn me in.  Watch me do the sit down dance
in the electric chair at sing sing.

LISTER  :  No sweetlips,  I'm gonna let you kiss me.


Cut to interior of Starbug where LISTER is wearing a Artificial Reality Headset
and grinding his hips rythmically, fumbling at an imaginary bra strap and
sticking his tounge down an imaginary throat.  KRYTEN walks into the AR suite at
this moment.

KRYTEN  :  Sir I think you should come and take a look at this.

LISTER continues to fumble at the straps.

KRYTEN  :  Sir it really is quiet urgent.
LISTER  :  I want you Loretta, I want you body next to mine.  I want you like
you were that Tuesday night.  Kiss me.
KRYTEN  :  Honestly, you haven't been off this machine in a month.

Back in the AR game.  Philip (LISTER) and LORETTA are still stood on the dock.

LORETTA  :  Philip, I don't understand.

LISTER  :   It's simple Loretta, this isn't real, it's an AR computer simulation
game. I'm supposed to hand you over to the cops and wind up with the goody-goody
heroine. I've played it before, it's just that, you drive me wild.  You're the
sexiest computer sprite I've ever seen.

LORETTA  :  Ohh Philip.

LISTER :  I don't care that you've killed three men.

LORETTA  :  Five.

LISTER  :  Ohh, whatever, it's not your fault, it's the way you're programmed.

LORETTA  :  So you take me for what I am.  A pyschopathic, scizophrenic, serial
killing femme fatale.

LISTER  :  Forgive and forget, that's what I say. 

In Starbug KRYTEN is accessing the AR console to enter the game. The game name 
"Gumshoe" is shown on the console and KRYTEN is asked to select a character.

KRYTEN  :  Choose you chracter. OHHHGGHHH, honestly, I just want to talk to him.
Ohhh anything, Sammy the Squib, crack shot with Tommy gun,  engage, Ohhh, it's
so frivolous.

KRYTEN enters the game as his snaps down his headset.

KRYTEN  :  Mr Lister sir ??

The Black sedan from earlier is seen on the dockside.  The suspension is rocking
backwards and forwards making a squeaking noise.

KRYTEN :  Hmmm, curious.

Kryten Knocks on the car rear window.
Lister winds down the window and puts his head out.

LISTER  :  Hi Kryten. What are you doing here?

KRYTEN  :  Sir, I've just got the results of the chemical scan, I've discovered
minute amounts of millenium oxide in the local vicinity. 

LISTER :  Couldn't be more pleased for you, see you in an hour.

KRYTEN :  Sir, I believe we've wandered accidentally into a rogue simulant 
hunting zone, that would explain the devastation on the derelicts where we 
picked up this very game.

LORETTA  (from inside car) :  Philip, who is it?

LORETTA sticks her head of the car.

LORETTA  :  Ohhh, it's Sammy the Squib.

KRYTEN :  Orrrhh, good evening Miss.

LORETTA :  Don't kill me Sammy, I'll do anything, kill him. I'll come away with 
you Sammy, it'll be just like the old days.  I never stopped loving you Sammy. 
Kiss me.

LISTER  :  You're trash, aren't you.

LORETTA  :  I'm programmed to be trash.

LISTER  :  I can't resist her Kryten, get back in the car. I never fall for 
women who are any good for me Kryten, it's either heartbreakers or moral garbage
on legs.

KRYTEN  :  Sir, you have to turn off the AR console. We have to close down and 
continue on silent running in order to avoid detection.

LISTER  :  10 minutes.

KRYTEN  :  Sir.

LISTER  :  5 minutes, I'll keep my hat on.

KRYTEN  :  Now.

LORETTA  :  Philip?

LISTER  :  I'll be back sweetlips.  Stay bad.

LISTER and KRYTEN clap hands and leave the game.  They both remove their game 
helmets.

LISTER  :  Kryten, you are a total gooseberry, next time I play on the AR
machine I'm going to give you some money and send you to the pictures.

In the cockpit of Starbug RIMMER and CAT are standing and sat respectively.
There is a powering down noise and all the lights dim.

RIMMER  :  At last we have silent running.  OK, long range scanners are down,
the only early warning we've got is you.  Stay alert.

CAT :  OK bud, I'll keep my nose peeled.

RIMMER moves back into the rear section whilst LISTER and KRYTEN come down from 
the AR room above via the stairs.

RIMMER  :  You took your time.  Where've you been?

LISTER  :  I was in the AR machine.

RIMMER  :  Again??

LISTER  :  What'd you mean again?

RIMMER  :  Everyone knows you only use the AR machine to have sex.

LISTER  :  That is not true.

RIMMER  :  Yes, true.  It's pathetic watching you grind away day after day. It's
like a dog that's missing it's masters leg.  That groinal attachment's supposed 
to have a lifetimes gurantee, you've worn it out in nearly three weeks.

LISTER  :  That is an outrageous scandalous piece of libel.  I don't just play 
the role play games.  What about the sporting simulations?  Like zero-gee kick 
boxing and Wimbledon.

RIMMER  :  You only play Wimbledon cos you're having it off with that jail bait 
ball girl.

LISTER  :  Is another total lie.  She's not jail bait, she's seventeen.

RIMMER  :  Lister, she's a computer sprite and surely that's the point she's 
just a load of pixels.

LISTER  :  Yeah, but what pixels.

LISTER moves through to the Mid-Section where CAT and KRYTEN are sat.

LISTER  :  What's all the hullabaloo.

CAT  :  We've wandered into rouge simulant country.

KRYTEN  :  Bio-mechanical killers created for a war that never took place, some 
of them escaped the dismantelling programme and now they prowl around deep space
searching for a quarry worthy of their metal.

RIMMER  :  I say we should abandon the pursuit of Red Dwarf and flee from the
zone.

LISTER  :  Give up the chase ?  You're kidding ?

CAT  :  Wait, my nose is getting something.

KRYTEN  :  Powering up.

RIMMER  :  Scanners report a battle class cruiser on intercept.

KRYTEN  :  It's rougue simulants all right.

RIMMER  :  Recommend immediate total and unequivical surrender.

KRYTEN  :  Sir, surrender is the worst thing we could do.  They despise humans 
and all forms of humanoid life.  They believe you to be the vermin of the 
universe sir. (Looking at Lister).

CAT  :  I didn't know they'd met him.

KRYTEN  :  Getting a message, punching it up.

A face appears on KRYTENS screen.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  State your species and purpose.

RIMMER  :  One of us will have to speak to them.  Who's the least human looking?
Listy, the mike's all yours.

LISTER  :  Wait a minute, I've got an idea.  Stall them with static.  Kryten
mid-section, Cat, you to.

The three move through to the mid-section.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  Why do you delay?  State your species and purpose, you have
one minute.

RIMMER  :  Lister, what the hell are you doing?

LISTER  :  Wait a minute, nearly ready.

LISTER  :  OK, stand by to transmit.

The cockpit of the simulant ship shows the two simulants at their controls.

SIMULANT ASSISSTANT  :  Incoming.

A inverted human mouth with a eye-ball stuck on the chin flashes onto the 
simulant screen.  It is obviously LISTER.

LISTER  :  I am Tarqa-Dal, an ambassador of the great Vindaloovian Empire.  

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  Scanners report a human life on your vessel. Is this so?

LISTER  :  Humans !  (spit) The Vindaloovian People despise all humans.  They 
are the vermin of the Universe.  Is that not right Bindi-Bahji?

The screen pans to CAT who is in the same disguise.

CAT  :  You bet, we hate them, scum, scum, scum, scum, scum.

LISTER  :  The Vinadloovian Empire is pledged to exterminate them all.

RIMMER walks through from the cock-pit just as the SIMULANT CAPTAIN beams 
aboard Starbug.
  
LISTER  :  We will not rest until out task is completed.

RIMMER  :  Errrrrr, Lister.

LISTER and CAT sit up from the scanning table, KRYTEN can be seen eyeless in the
background.

LISTER  :  Hi.

CAT  :  How's it going Bud ?

LISTER and CAT hand eyeballs back to KRYTEN and he screws them back in.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  A human, and a humanoid.  A hologrammatical human, a 
mechanoid who is a slave to humans. I had hoped for so much more.

RIMMER  :  I've no idea who you are, but boarding this vessel is an act of war,
ergo, we surrender.  And as prisoners of war I invoke the all nations agreement
article number 39436175880932/B.

KRYTEN  : 39436175880932/B.  All nations attending the conference are only 
allocated one parking space.   Is that entirely relevant sir.  I mean here we 
are, in mortal danger and you're worried about the Chinese delegates bringing 
two cars.

RIMMER  :  Can't you let just one go, I was talking about the right of P-O-W's 
to non-violent constraint.

KRYTEN  :  But that's 75880932/C, sir.

RIMMER  :  It's embarrassing as much as anything else. Here you are totally 
humiliating me in front of this xenophobic, genocidal maniac...... no offence.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  Primitive, you'll be no sport at all. I have no 
alternative.


The CAPTAIN  shoots RIMMER, KRYTEN, LISTER and CAT before they can move.  They 
all slump to the ground.



The crew awaken in the Starbugs cockpit, sat at their control desks. 


RIMMER : How long we been out?

LISTER :  According to the navicom, three weeks.

KRYTEN  :  Strange the drive interface has been upgraded, so have the engines.

RIMMER  :  And if this readout is correct, we've been armed, laser cannons.

LISTER  :  They've totally upgraded the whole ship.

CAT  :  They've even got rid of the squeak on the seat tilt control.

SIMULANT CAPTAINS face appears on screen.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN :  We have made some improvements to your craft, now at least 
you may prove to be of some small amusement.

ASSISSTANT SIMULANT  :  You have two earth minutes before we attack. 

RIMMER  :  Let's get out of here.

CAT  :  Wait, I know this game, it's called cat and mouse, and there's only one 
way to win, don't be the mouse.

LISTER  :  What are you saying?

CAT  :  I'm saying the mouse never wins. Not unless you believe those lying 
cartoons.  We don't run, we strike, it's the last thing they'll be expecting.

RIMMER  :  No the last thing they'll be expecting is for us to turn into ice 
skating mongooses and to dance the Bolero. And your plan makes about as much 
sense.

LISTER  :  I say go with it.

KRYTEN  :  Agreed.

CAT  :  You're going to go with one of my plans?  Are you nuts?  What happens if
we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.

Starbug is seen pivoting in flight and firing laser cannons into the side
of the simulant craft.  The simulants look worried in their craft.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  What are they doing?  Powerup the weapons.

LISTER  :  Nailed them.

ASSISSTANT SINMULANT  :  Fluke hit.

SIMULANT CAPTIAN  :  Take them with us.

ASSISTANT SIMULANT  :  Can't return fire.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :   Hack into their navigation computer.  Transmit the 
Armageddon Virus.

The Navicom starts to spark by Kryten in Starbug.

LISTER  :  What is it ?

KRYTEN  :  The navicom, something's wrong.

SIMULANT CAPTAIN  :  See you in silicon hell.

The simulant ship explodes.


KRYTEN  :  Shutdown all network links, the navicom has been infected with a 
virus.

LISTER  :  The navicom has frozen us out, we're locked on this course.  If we 
carry on ahead at this speed, how long before we hit trouble?

RIMMER  :  Well if you define trouble as a rather large moon directly in our 
path, about 38 minutes.

KRYTEN  :  Sir, the only solution is for me to contract the virus myself, 
analyze it's structure and attempt to create a software antidote before it wipes
out my core program.  Do I have your permission to sacrifice myself sirs.

RIMMER  :  Do Lemmings like cliffs, granted.

KRYTEN  :  I am going to have to create a dove program.

CAT  :  Dove program?

KRYTEN  :  A dove program spreads peace through the system obliterating the viral 
cells as it goes.

KRYTEN puts on head sensors and contracts the virus from the navicom.

KRYTEN  :  The virus is extremely complex, I will have to dedicate all my run 
time to its solution.  Shutting down all non essential systems.

LISTER  :  Is there anything we can do, can we help?

KRYTEN  :  Watch my dreams.

The crew are in the Midsection.  KRYTEN lies on the scanner table whilst the 
others are gathered round him.


RIMMER  :  23 minutes to impact, any change?

LISTER  :  Getting worse, weaker and weaker.  

RIMMER  :  Look, sooner or later we are going to have to face the fact that we 
are not all going to get out of this in one piece.  Or if we are, it's going to 
one big flat piece.

LISTER  :  And?

RIMMER  :  It's time we decided who's going to take the one man escape pod.

CAT  :  How?

RIMMER :  Well, if you'll just bear with me. I think I've devised a fair and 
equitable system of choosing who should survive.  It's based on age, rank, 
seniority, usefulness,  to cut a long story short,   it's me.  I was a stunned 
as you are, which is why I demanded a recount.  Well, blow me, if it didn't come
out as me again.  Keys.

LISTER  :  Rimmer, the escape pod is not an option.

RIMMER  :  Why not?

LISTER  :  It escaped last Thursday.  I was having a few beers, I couldn't be 
bothered moving so I used the release mechanism as a bottle opener.  
Whhoossshhh.

RIMMER  :  That's it then, we're finished.

CAT  :  Wait, we're getting something.

The monitor clears and KRYTEN can been seen dressed as a Sheriff in a 1800's 
Western town. He is drunk.  He throws an empty whisky bottle away before pausing
before a wanted poster of the Apocalypse boys and enter a saloon.

CAT :  What is this?

LISTER  :  I think we've tapped directly into whatever passes for Krytens 
sub-concious.

CAT  :  Why's he a Sheriff in some old western?

LISTER  :  Must be how his core program is coping with the battle against the 
virus. For whatever reason it's converted the struggle into some kind of dream.  

KRYTEN is seen entering the saloon.

JIMMY  :  Well, well, well sheriff, fancy seeing a man of your sober disposition
in a low down drinking establishemnt.

KRYTEN  :  Now, now boys, I don't want any trouble, just doing my rounds.

As KRYTEN steps toward the bar, JIMMY trips him  up.

KRYTEN  :  You shouldn't ought to have done that Jimmy.

The scrap of stools and tables is heard and JIMMY stands hands on guns.

JIMMY  :  Why don't you try it Sheriff,  they say you used to be faster than a 
toilet stop in rattlesnake country.

KRYTEN  :  Sorry I tripped over your boot there Mr Jimmy Sir.  Arrrhhheeemm.
Didn't mean any harm by it.

KRYTEN turns to the bar.

KRYTEN  :  Give me two fingers of your best sipping liquor Miss Lola, and make 
it the smooth stuff.  The stuff where you get your eyesight back after two days.
Guaranteed.

JIMMY  :  The Apocalypse boys is here, they's asking for you Sheriff.

KRYTEN  :  I'll be right out.

KRYTEN takes numerous gulps of whisky before leaving the saloon to face the 
apocalypse boys on the porch.  The four boys are mounted on horses facing the 
saloon.


KRYTEN  :  Ohh, I don't believe I've had the pleasures sirs.

DEATH  :  The name's Death, these here are my brothers, Brother War, Brother 
Famine, Brother Pestilence.

KRYTEN  :  Well you seem like a nice neighbourly bunch of boys, how can I be of 
service.

The boys open fire shooting around KRYTENS feet and smashing a bottle in his hand.

DEATH  :  We want your sorry ass out of here, you've got one hour.

The boys ride out of town and KRYTEN is seen throwing his star to the ground.


LISTER  :  He's losing the battle. Look at his lifesigns, they're barely 
registering.

CAT  :   Isn't there some way we can get in there and help him.  Somehow turn 
ourselves into tiny electronic people and get into his dream. Isn't there some 
sort of gizmo lying around someplace that can do that. And if not  (punches 
hand)  why not?

RIMMER  :  Look, I think we've all got something we can bring to this 
discussion.  But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence.

LISTER  :  No, no, no,  I think he's got something.

CAT  :  Twice in one lifetime, when you're hot you're hot.

LISTER  :  If we link up the artificial reality console to Kryten's mind, we 
should be able to project directly into his dream state like it was a normal 
computer game. 

CAT  :  What did I tell you, we don't even have to leave the room.

RIMMER  :  What about me? 

LISTER We'll shut all extraneous systems and power up your hard light drive.  
Come on guys lets get these wagons rolling.

LISTER, CAT and RIMMER are seen gathered round the AR console making selections
on the screen.


LISTER  :  There we go, I've loaded in some characters from an AR western game.
Choose a player from 1 to 3. 

CAT  :  Two.

The image and stats of The Riveria Kid is shown on the console.

LISTER  :  Here you go, you're the Riveria Kid, special skills ace gun slinger.
Rimsy?

RIMMER  :  Uno.

The image and stats of Dan are shown on the screen.

LISTER  :  One. Dangerous Dan McGrew,special skills, bare fist fighting.

LISTER  :  WHich leaves me with Brett Riverboat, knife man.

RIMMER  :  And we definitely can't get hurt.

LISTER  :  No, it's just like a normal computer game, you can get out at 
anytime.  There's a button on the inside of the glove, when you want to get out,
just clap.  OK, Riveria, OK Dangerous.  Lets mosey on into town.

LISTER, RIMMER and the CAT are seen riding into town on horse back. They
dismount outside the saloon and enter the swing doors.


RIMMER  :  I've seen Westerns, I know how to speak cowboy.

The three step up to the bar.

RIMMER  :  Dry white wine and Perrier please.  And what about you two chaps?

LISTER  :  Rimmer, what westerns have you seen?  Butch Accountant and the Yuppie
Kid?

CAT  :  Leave this to me, this sounds like one for the Riveria Kid !!!

As CAT speaks his characters name he throws back his hands and dances a little
spanish style dance accompanied by a Spanish Guitar.


CAT  :  Ehhh, Senorita, tequila porfavore.

LOLA  :  What?

LISTER  :  He means three shots of gulping whisky mam.

CAT and LISTER down their shots in one.

LISTER  :  Very smooth.

CAT  :  I was expecting something with a little more kick to it.

RIMMER  :  I don't suppose you've got any ginger ale mixers.

LOLA spits into RIMMERS face.

RIMMER  :  I'll take that as a no then, I'll have it neat.

RIMMER downs his whisky in one, pulls a funny face, runs across the room and 
vomits into a hat being used as the pot in a card game.

BEAR-STRANGLER-MCGEE  :  A man beans up in the hat of Bear Strangler McGee, he's
either mighty brave or mighty stupid, which are you boy?

RIMMER  :  Sorry what were the choices again?

LISTER hands some money to MCGEE.

LISTER  :  You'll have to forgive our friend, he's a souple of Gunmen short of a
posse.

BEAR-STRANGLER-MCGEE  :  That pays for the hat, what about the insult.

RIMMER  :  OK, you're a fat bearded git with breath that could knock-out a 
grizzly.

LISTER  :  Take the lot man. Rimmer, what is wrong with you?

LISTER hands the rest of his money to MC-GEE.

RIMMER  :   Relax, you said yourself Lister no-one can hurt us, besides, you're 
forgetting.  I'm Dangerous Dan McGrew Bare Fist Fighter Extra-ordinaire.

KRYTEN enters the saloon carrying a small wooden box.

KRYTEN  :  This Lola, all my valuables are in this here box, you can have it all
for one bottle of mind rotter.

LOLA  :  You're trading in your shooting irons.

The box contains guns and some carrots. 

KRYTEN  :  No use to me, I've got the shakes so bad, I'm like a couple of 
porcupines on their wedding night.

LOLA  :  Carrots? 

KRYTEN  I'm throwing in my mule, Dignity.

RIMMER  :  Mr Sad Git or what?

LISTER leans over to KRYTEN.

LISTER  :  Kryten it's us man.

KRYTEN  :  Sorry friend, I don't believe we've had the pleasure.

LISTER  :  Kryten, don't you know who we are, why you're here?  You're fighting 
an electronic virus, you're trying to create a dove program.  Some sort of 
software antidote to wipe it out.

KRYTEN  :  I'll drink to that.

CAT  :  Listen to him pooch head, the virus is winning, you've got to get your 
head together and start fighting it.

There is a sudden crack as JIMMY gets the bottle of KRYTEN using a bull whip.
He then dangles the drink temptingly in front of KRYTEN.

JIMMY  :  Want a drink Sheriff, why don't you come and take one?

KRYTEN  :  Now now Jimmy, there's no need to be going make me look foolish.

JIMMY  :   Come on Sheriff, jump, well you can get higher than that.

LISTER steps forward.

LISTER  :  Leave him alone.

JIMMY  :  Just having a little fun Mr Swankypants.

LISTER  :  The names Brett Riverboat, knifeman,  (whisper) lets see how good you are.

LISTER demonstrates some brilliant knifework by disarming JIMMY and pinning him 
to the wall

JIMMY  :  Son of a ....

LISTER finishes up by throwing an apple into JIMMYS mouth.

JIMMY  :  Frank, Luke, line his lungs with lead.

The two Gunmen stand up, the CAT steps forward.

JIMMY  :  Who in the heck are you?

CAT  :  The call me the Kid, the Riveria Kid  !!

Cue the CATS Riveria Kid dance.

JIMMY  :  Well Riveria Kid lets see if your shooting is a fancy as your dancing.

The two Gunmen open fire shooting a shot each, the CAT responds by firing twice 
and the bullets are seen richocheting in the air.

JIMMY  :  He shot the damn bullets out of the air.

KRYTEN  :  well it's been mighty dandy meeting you boys, but if I'm not out of 
here by sun-up the buzzards will be fighting the lizards for my gizzards.

LISTER  :  If he leaves town, we're dead, stop him.

As the three try to follow KRYTEN from the saloon they are attacked by some
of the patrons, RIMMER is seen putting his bare fist fighting skills into 
practice by beating up three men.

RIMMER  :  Marvellous.

RIMMER dusts himself down and leaves the saloon.  KRYTEN can be seen running
for the towns edge.

CAT  :  Hey buddy.  

RIMMER  :  Hold it.

LISTER  :  You gotta stay.

CAT  :  This is a job for the Riveria Kid.

After the little dance, CAT fires a single shot that richochets around the town 
before cutting the  town sign rope.  The sign then falls onto KRYTENS head 
knocking him down.  The three gather round the fallen mechanoid.

KRYTEN  :   But boys you don't understand, I've got to leave.  Look it's ten to 
death.

LISTER  :  OK we've got ten minutes to sober him up and get him in shape.  Come 
on.

In the Sheriffs office RIMMER and LISTER are sat with KRYTEN.

KRYTEN  :  Sir, I just can't eat anymore raw coffee.

LISTER  :  Two more bowls.

KRYTEN  :  But I am sober honest.

LISTER  :  OK, who are you and why're you here.

KRYTEN  :  I'm some kind of robot who's fighting this virus, and none of this 
exists, it's all in a fever, except for you guys, who really do exist, only 
you're not really here, you're really on some space ship in the future. Hell,
if that's got to make sense I don't  want to be sober.

The CAT enters via some stairs.

CAT  :  I got his guns back, and look at the handles.  They've got little doves 
carved on them, and check this , there's no place for the bullets to go.

LISTER  :  This is it Kryten, the answer's in these guns somehow. Doves, dove 
program.

The CAT wanders to the window as KRYTEN looks at the guns.

KRYTEN  :  Wait, somethings coming back now. You sir. Whenever I look at you I 
get an image of curry and early morning breath that could cut through bank 
vaults.  You sir.  There's something familiar about you too, I get a name,  
SmmmEE,  SmmEEgGG  HHHeeeDD.

RIMMER  :  Smeghead?  

KRYTEN  :  That's it.

RIMMER  :  He remembers me.

LISTER  :  The guns  Kryten, do the guns mean anything to you.

KRYTEN  :  Something, they mean something, if only I had more time.

CAT  :  PSSSTTT, company.

The four leave the office to face the Apocalypse boys who are entering town
on foot.

DEATH  :  Got yourself a little help there Sheriff.  

KRYTEN :  Now I remember you, you're a computer virus, travelling from machine 
to machine overwriting the core program.


DEATH : And infection will travel. Lets see if we can't tip the balance here a 
little.

DEATH points his arm to the heavens and a thunderstrike comes out of it.  The 
screen of the AR console is shown with the special skills that the characters 
have being erased.

CAT  :  What is he doing?

RIMMER  :  He's stalling.  He's spotted us for what we are. A bunch of mean 
macho bad ass desperados. We're going to kick his boney butt clean across the 
town.  Enjoy the show. (To the Apocolypse Boys:) Who's got the guts to go with 
me one on one, hand to hand, mano et mano?

WAR steps out from the Apolcalypse boys.

LISTER  :  Cover him.

Whilst drawing his guns CAT fumbles them.

CAT  :  Damn, I've lost my special skills.

RIMMER steps over to a horse rack and tries to lift off the cross bar, and 
fails. WAR does the same and succeeds.  RIMMER tries again and still fails.  
LISTER also discovers that he has lost his special skills by throwing his knife 
over his shoulder.


LISTER  :  Rimmer, the virus has spread to the AR unit, we've lost our special 
skills.

RIMMER  :  Ahhh, Mr War sir it would appear due to circumstances completely  
beyond my control there's been a bit of a cock up in the bravado department.

RIMMER is hit over the head with the wooden cross bar by war.

RIMMER  :  I may indeed have come across as being more brave than in fact I am.

LISTER  :  Exit, exit.

RIMMER attempts to exit the game by clapping his hands, he cannot, he turns his 
constant clapping into a castanet dance, before being hit over the head again by WAR.

LISTER  :  We're sealed in.

CAT  :  Get the helmets off.

RIMMER  :  It won't move.

LISTER  :  Cat the back.

CAT  :  I got one of my gloves off..........and a boot too.

RIMMER  :  Ohh brilliant, now you're paralysed compeletely down your left hand 
side.

CAT is seen trying to rench LISTERS helmet in the game.

LISTER  :  Ohhh, me nose.

CAT  :  I've almost got it.

LISTER  :  You're pulling my nose off.

CAT  :  Here it comes.

LISTER  :  The helmets coming off.

Inside the AR suite LISTERS helmet comes free and disapears from the game. CAT 
also fades from the game leaving only RIMMER to face the Boys.

DEATH  :  We're gonna cut you up so small the worms aren't even going to have to chew.

RIMMER  :  You can't frighten me, I'm always scared.  LISTER.

RIMMER fades from the game just as the boys bare down on him to stab him.

CAT  :  What now?

LISTER  :  It's down to Kryten.

KRYTEN is left alone the street to face the Boys.

DEATH  :  Well Sheriff. Now it's just little old you.

KRYTEN  :  I'm not afraid Mr Death sir, I believe my friends have bought me 
enough time to complete the antidote program. Now if you'll forgive the rather 
confrontational imperative.  Go for your guns you scum sucking mollascs.

KRYTEN is shot a number of times by the Apocalypse Boys, before he falls though,
he draws his guns which symbolically turn into doves and neutralise the 
Apocalypse boys and therefore the virus.

KRYTEN comes round in Starbug.

KRYTEN  :  I did it, I created an antidote.

The four rush into the cocpit.

LISTER  :  Two minutes till impact, come on.

RIMMER  :  How long will it take?

KRYTEN  :  Just a few seconds. How long to impact?

RIMMER  :  Just a few seconds.

KRYTEN  :  Loading it up, it's going in the navicom.

RIMMER  :  8 seconds, 7.

KRYTEN  :  Nearly there.

CAT :  5, 4, 3 ,2 

LISTER  :  We're not going to make it.

CAT  :  IMPACT.

Starbug is seen crashing into the molten surface of the Planet.

Seconds pass and Starbug is seen emerging from the Molten Lava and 
flying into a red setting sun.  


CAT, LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN  :  YEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!!!!!!

Starbug flies into the distance and fades from view.

_________________________________________________________________________________
  

Credits

Rimmer                  :  Chris Barrie
Lister                  :  Craig Charles
Cat                     :  Danny John-Jules
Kryten                  :  Robert Llewellyn
Loretta                 :  Jennifer Calvert
Simulant Captain/Death  :  Dennis Lill
Simulant Lieutenant     :  Liz Hickling
Lola                    :  Imogen Bain
Jimmy                   :  Steve Devereaux
War                     :  Robert Inch
Pestilence              :  Jeremy Peters
Famine                  :  Dinny Powell
Bear Strancler McGee    :  Stephen Marcus

Director                :  Andy De Emmony

Writers   Rob Grant &  Doug Naylor