From: imc@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Ian Collier)
Subject: Holoship script [c. 860 lines]

                                 RED DWARF V

                            Episode 1:  Holoship

Characters:

R:  Rimmer (Chris Barrie)
L:  Lister (Craig Charles)
C:  Cat (Danny John-Jules)
H:  Holly (Hattie Hayridge)
K:  Kryten (Robert Llewellyn)
NC: Nirvanah Crane (Jane Horrocks)
CP: Captain Platini (Mathhew Marsh)
CB: Commander Binks (Don Warrington)
Ha: Miss Harrison (Lucy Briers)
2:  Number Two (Simon Day)
1:  Number One (Jane Montgomery)

m:  Male voice-over
w:  Female voice-over
l:  Voice of the lift (or elevator, if you don't know what a "lift" is)
----

    An external shot of Starbug.

    Inside Starbug, the dwarfers are watching a film.  We hear a man
    and a woman speaking in melodramatic voices.  While this is going
    on the camera pans over the faces of the viewers.  Lister is looking
    decidedly sad and appears to be chewing his hair.  Cat is blinking
    excessively.  Rimmer looks totally disgusted.

m:  Oh Arnie!

w:  Oh, my darling, don't!  This isn't a time for sadness, it's a time for
    joy, for laughter, don't you see?  Whatever this crazy old world throws
    at us now it doesn't matter, none of it.

m:  Arnie, we can {never be together} again.

w:  Oh my darling, you're wrong!  We'll always be together.  It's just that
    we'll be apart.

    (Film music signals the end of the film).

K:  Wasn't that just beautiful?  Well recommended, sir.  D'you think they
    ever get back together again?

L:  (in a weepy voice, with head in hands) I don't know.

K:  Pardon?

L:  I don't know.

K:  Wasn't it just wonderful though, sir?  The way he sacrificed his career,
    his dreams, everything for the woman he loved.

R:  I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery schoolgirl mush I've ever
    been compelled to endure.  I consider it an insult to my backside that
    [it] was forced to sit here growing carbuncles through such putrid
    adolescent slush.

K:  You didn't find it uplifting?

R:  It wasn't in the least bit upliftinging, it was totally unbelievable.
    Why would he give everything up for a woman he's never going to see
    again?

K:  Because she loved him, and he would have that forever.  (to Lister)
    Isn't that right, sir?

    (Lister blows his nose loudly on his sleeve)

C:  Personally, I thought it started well but fell apart.  All that stuff
    with the ducks all getting into trouble, that was great.  Then it all
    went black and white and I fell asleep.

K:  But sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!

H:  Hang on chaps, we've got a blip.  Quadrant 4, sector 492.

K:  I'm on to it right away, Holly.  (Kryten leaves)

R:  Those kind of films really irritate me.  Just not realistic.  There
    isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job and to
    hell with the woman.  Total baloney.

L:  Rimmer you said that about "King of Kings - the story of Jesus"!

R:  Well it's true - a simple carpenter's son who learns how to do magic
    tricks like that and doesn't go into showbusiness?  Do any of us believe
    that even for a second?

L:  He was supposed to be the Son of God.

R:  And when he was carrying that cross up the hill, any normal realistic
    bloke would have mule-kicked the guy on the left, clobbered the one on
    the right, and been over that green hill and far away before you could
    say "Pontius Pilate."

L:  Why do I feel that somehow you've missed the point?  I mean, whether you
    believe that stuff or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for
    love.

R:  Not realistic.  As if!

L:  You've got no soul man.  No soul.

K:  Sirs, I think you should take a look at this.

R:  Another vessel?

L:  Too small (presses some controls) may be a missile.

K:  Impact in 37 seconds.

H:  Plotting random evasion course.

C:  What?  Am I the only sane one here?  Why don't we drop the defensive
    shields?

K:  A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws.  One, we
    don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive
    shields.  Now I realise that technically speaking that's only one flaw
    but I thought it was such a big one it was worth mentioning twice.

C:  (patting Kryten's shoulder) Good point well made.

    External shot of Starbug.  A blue light formation which looks like a
    comet flies towards the front of Starbug.  Inside Starbug, the blue
    light flashes past the occupants into the adjoining room and turns
    into a collection of blue spheres swirling around.  Rimmer walks
    towards it and steps into the swarm.

L:  Rimmer, what are you doing?

R:  It's incredible!  It's beautiful!

K:  It's not registering on any scale - mass, velocity, molecular
    structure - all the readings are zero!

    (The spheres suddenly zoom away past the crew mwmbers and out of
    the ship.  We see the blue comet shoot off into space and vanish,
    whereupon a ship materialises.)

K:  Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission.

    (Rimmer disappears in a flash of red light.)

K:  They've taken Mr. Rimmer.  Sir!  They've taken Mr. Rimmer!

C:  Quick, let's get out of here before they bring him back!

    In the holoship, Rimmer appears.  He looks around, astonished.  In
    walks a woman, on whose forehead is a letter H in a circle.

NC: I hope we didn't startle you.  Nirvanah Crane.

    (They shake hands.)

R:  You touched me.  I can touch.  (Nirvanah Crane throws him a glass and he
    catches it) How is this possible?

    (Nirvanah Crane pours Rimmer a drink.)

NC: This entire ship, its crew, and everything on it is computer generated.

R:  You're all holograms, even the ship?

NC: Salut.  (They touch glasses)

R:  Salut.

    After an external shot of the holoship, we join Rimmer and Nirvanah
    Crane in the lift.

R:  How big's the crew?

NC: Just under 2000.  All top flight personnel.

R:  Hmmm, what a ship!

l:  Floor 3125: Sports and sexual recreation.

R:  (Suddenly stops grinning inanely) Sports and what?

NC: Sex.  Don't you have a sex deck on your ship?

R:  N-no.

NC: Well, what do you do when you want to have sex?

R:  Well, .. we go for runs.  Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid.

NC: That's very bad for you.  Don't you ever feel tense or frustrated?

R:  Well it's got worse these last ten years or so I can't deny it.

NC: Extraordinary.  It's quite different here.  In fact, it's a ship
    regulation that we all have sexual congress at least twice a day.
    It's a health rule.

R:  Twice a day?  That's more than some people manage in a lifetime!  ... I
    mean sad, lonely people.  But what happens if you don't have a partner?

NC: If you don't have a partner?

R:  Well I mean some people - sad, lonely people - find that that people
    just aren't attracted to them in that kind of way.

NC: I don't understand.  Here it is considered the height of bad manners to
    refuse an offer of sexual coupling.

R:  Well, ... people have always complemented me on my good manners.  What a
    ship!

NC: We discarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century, when
    scientists finally proved that all our hang-ups and neuroses are
    caused by our parents.

R:  I knew it!

NC: Families are disastrous for your mental health.  So are relationships.
    These are out-moded concepts for us.

R:  But what about love?  Surely people still fall in love?

NC: We have developed beyond love, Mr. Rimmer.  That is a short-term
    hormonal distraction which interferes with the pure persuit of
    personal advancement.  We are holograms.  There is no risk of disease
    or pregnancy.  That is why in our society we only believe in sex -
    constant, guilt-free sex.

    Back on Starbug...

K:  Poor Mr. Rimmer.  I fear he is in great danger.

H:  I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding on any
    frequency.

C:  Well I say let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels.

K:  An adroit suggestion sir, with just two minor drawbacks.

C:  OK, forget it!

L:  {You won't get} a shoot-out, look at the readouts: zero mass.

K:  Of course, a holoship!

L:  A holoship?

K:  The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system.
    Ships of no mass or volume able to travel as super-light particles,
    tachyons, through worm-holes and star gates crewed by holograms of
    great genius and bravery.

L:  And they've taken Rimmer?  (incredulous) He should fit in just perfectly!

K:  Now I understand why they didn't bother with a handshake.  Holo-crews
    are legendarily arragant.  They despise stupidity wherever they see it,
    and they see it everywhere.

H:  Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission.

    (A crew member from the holoship appears in an adjoining room.  The
    Dwarfers walk in to investigate.)

CB: (walking around the starbug) Binks to Enlightenment.  Have arrived
    on the derelict.  Confirm initial speculation there is absolutely
    nothing of any value or intrigue here.  It's one of the old class-2
    ship-to-surface vessels - the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn
    due to major flight design flaws.  Crew: 3 (passes along the crew
    members, who are now standing in line).  One series-4000 mechanoid,
    almost burnt out, give it maybe three years.  Nothing of salvagable
    value.  Ah, Felis Sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about
    half as smart.  No value in future study of this species.  What have
    we here?  A human being, or a very close approximation.  Chronological
    age: mid-20s, physical age: 47.  Grossly overweight, unnecessarily
    ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum.  Apart from that
    of no value or interest.

    (While Binks is ending his spiel, Lister searches his pockets for a
    cigarette packet.  He draws one cigarette out as an aerial and begins
    imitating Binks.)

L:  Lister to Red Dwarf.  We have in our midst a complete smeg pot.  Brains
    in the anal region, chin absent presumed missing, genitalia small and
    inoffensive, of no value or interest.

CB: Binks to Enlightenment.  Evidence of primitive humour.  The human has
    knowledge of irony, satire and imitation.  With patient tuition could
    maybe master simple tasks.

L:  Lister to Red Dwarf.  Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.  Seems
    unable to grasp simple threats.  With careful pummelling, could possibly
    be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.

CB: Binks to Enlightenment.  The human is under the delusion that he is
    somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.

L:  Lister to Red Dwarf.  The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware that
    we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet.  Unless he
    wants his derriere minced like burger meat, he'd better be history in
    two seconds flat!

    (Lister eats the cigarette, quickly removes his jacket, hat and
    waistcoat, and assumes a boxing stance.)

CB: Binks to Enlightenment.  Recon mission complete, transmit.  With speed,
    Enlightenment, quickly please!

    Aboard the holoship.  The Captain is present and two officers are in
    the background typing at computer keyboards.  Nirvanah Crane and Rimmer
    arrive.

NC: Captain.  Mr. Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf.

CP: Mr. Rimmer, oh my word it is one of the old class-1 holograms - I didn't
    realise that you guys were still around.  Captain Hercule Platini, IQ
    212.  Number 1!

1:  Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.

2:  Comander Randy Navaro, IQ 194.

R:  Second technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.  Captain this is a
    magnificent ship.

CP: So it should be, Mr. ... Rimmer.  After all it was designed to carry the
    hologrammatic cream of the space corps.  Every crew member is the top
    gun in his or her field.  This is a ship, Mr. Rimmer, of superhumans.

R:  Which is why, Captain, I feel I could really belong here.

1:  Are you serious?

R:  Everything I want in my life is here on this ship.  I want to join you.

CP: Er but Mr. Rimmer you are not an officer.

R:  Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf now for nearly four
    years.  I've guided that ragamuffin ragtail crew of whacked out crazies
    and hippy peace-niks through hell and back.  If I gave the order those
    guys would crawl on their bellies across broken glass with their flies
    unzipped.  So don't tell me I'm not an officer, Captain, just because
    in deep space there's no academy around to award me my pips.  You've
    got to take me.

CP: Unfortunately it's not that simple, Mr. Rimmer.  The Enlightenment
    already has a full ship's complement.  The only way in is dead man's
    boots.

1:  You'll have to challenge an existing crew member.  There are tests which
    tax the entire vista of your intellect.

R:  Oh.

2:  Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability.

R:  Ah.

CP: Should you win, your opponent's run-time would be terminated and their
    life force would be used to generate you.

R:  Who will be my opponent?

CP: Well I'm sure our computer will come up with the most stimulating
    match up.  It has stochastic capabilities.

1:  It predicts the future with only a five percent error margin, simply
    by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables.  I am
    asking it for your best chance of success (types something) and here it
    is.  Your best shot is crew member 4172.  You have a 96% probability of
    failure.

CP: Mr. Rimmer you have 24 hours to prepare.

    Rimmer and Nirvanah Crane are walking down a corridor.

R:  Well thank you commander for a most fascinating afternoon.  It's been
    most ... fascinating.

NC: Perhaps if you're not in any great rush Mr. Rimmer, we could retire to
    my quarters and have sex for a few hours.

    They are now lying on a bed.

R:  That was just unbelievable!

NC: It's never been like that before.

R:  Was it OK?

NC: It was ... different.

R:  Different?

NC: You make love like a japanese meal.  Small portions but so many courses.

R:  Erm, look, Nirvanah--

NC: Must dress and go now.  (gets up and dons a robe)

R:  Look Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say is--

NC: Please, don't say anything.

R:  I hope you didn't get me wrong just then.  That meant nothing to me.
    Truly less than nothing really.

NC: Good.

R:  We may as well have been playing tennis.

NC: As it should be.

R:  I, er, don't suppose you'd fancy a tie-break?

NC: I'm sorry, I've got things I should do.

R:  Nyet problemski.

NC: You know ... we usually talk.

R:  What do you talk about?

NC: Oh research, new theories, mission profiles.

R:  I'm sorry I must have seemed very ignorant.  I hardly said anything
    apart from ... "geronimo".

NC: Thank you for the work-out.

R:  Dress!  (he is suddenly clothed)

NC: Transmit!  (Rimmer disappears)

    (A computer screen says "message waiting".  Nirvanah Crane presses a
    key.)

NC: Privacy off.  (Number 2 appears on the screen)

2:  Commander, some amusing news.  Stocky has chosen you to meet our guest's
    challenge.

    After an external shot of the Red Dwarf passing the holoship, we are
    aboard the Red Dwarf.

K:  What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal.  Mind patching is
    outlawed.

R:  But it _is_ possible.

K:  Possible but highly dangerous.  The side effects can be devastating.
    You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.

C:  Reduced?

R:  I don't care.  I'm prepared to take the chance.

L:  Even if it costs you your mind?

C:  It's a small price to pay.

R:  Look, on that ship I can touch, I can feel, I can taste.  I'm not a half
    man any more.  With them I'm whole again.

L:  Rimmer they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionly-weird stuck-up
    megalomaniacs.  Do you really think you're going to fit in with them?
    (pause) What am I saying?  Bon voyage!

K:  He's right, sir.  Why do you want to throw in with people like that?

R:  Because I want to _be_ somebody.  I want to have a position of authority
    on a scout ship exploring uncharted space.  Work alongside educated men
    and women.  Officers, people who count.  Lister, this is my one chance
    to sieze my dream.  To be with the winners.  Look at me.  What do you
    see?

L:  Tell me.

R:  You see a sad and lonely guy.  A guy who left home at sixteen to
    become an officer and a gentleman, and ended up as a chicken soup
    machine operative.  Is it any wonder my father had four strokes?
    Is it any wonder he used to sit by the window and dribble?  I did
    that to him.  Me.

L:  Look there's nothing wrong with what you did.  It was just a job.

R:  You _are_ your job.

K:  Oh, not so sir.  Now was Albert {Camou} a goal keeper or a philosopher?
    Was Albert Einstein a clerk in a patent office or the greatest physicist
    who ever lived?  And of course there's the oft told tale of the simple
    carpenter's son who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in
    history, Harry {Biedelbau}.

R:  Kryten, Albert Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life picking
    out lumps of dessicated poultry from the end of his nozzle cleaner.

L:  That doesn't make you a failure.

R:  It does in my parents' eyes.  It does in my brother's eyes.  It does in
    the eyes of everyone with eyes.  That's exactly what it makes me.

K:  Sir I beg you to reconsider, if not for your sanity.  You haven't
    even considered the moral implications of your decision.  You will
    be joining a society where you will be compelled to have sex with
    beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand.  Now, am I really
    the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?  (Lister
    and Cat are speechless) Well, quite clearly I am!

    Rimmer is lying on some kind of "operating table" in a laboratory, and
    Kryten is standing by.

K:  Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind,
    science officer Buchan - excellent scientific background, one hundred
    and sixty nine IQ - and flight coordinator McQueen - superlative
    mathematician, one hundred and seventy two IQ.  Now even taking
    into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind, I still
    think we'll come up with something pretty special.

R:  But I will still have control?

K:  You will have access to their knowledge, but your personality will
    have the power of veto.  But sir, I implore you to reconsider, if
    not for yourself then for the poor officer whose life you will take.

R:  Wasn't it St. Francis of Assisi himself who said "never give a sucker an
    even break"?

K:  Well if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.

R:  Come on Kryten, get on with it.

K:  Commencing integration.

R:  Glory or insanity awaits.

    (Kryten presses a control and an electronic arm starts passing over
    Rimmer from his feet towards his head.)

    Kryten and Lister are walking down a corridor.

L:  He's read every book in the medical library?

K:  In under three hours.  The change is quite astonishing.  But sir I
    feel I should warn you, this is not the pile of human wreckage we
    know as Arnold Rimmer.  Prepare yourself.

    (They arrive at a room where Rimmer is sitting in front of a computer.)

K:  Sir, we've received the co-ordinates.  Perhaps we should be, ahem,
    making tracks?

R:  Kryten, (spoken in a patronising manner with the second syllable
    stressed.  Rimmer turns around and we can see that he is wearing
    glasses and holding his head up in a pompous manner) Just thinking.
    Assuming of course we're not dealing with five-dimensional objects
    in a basic Euclidean geometric universe and given the essential premise
    that all geo-mathematics is based on the hideously limiting notion that
    one plus one equals two, and not as {Astemeyer} correctly postulates
    that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different
    precepts, (loudly breathes out through his nose) the {theoretical} shape
    described by {Siddus} must therefore be a poly-dri-doc-deca-wee-hedron-
    a-hexa-sexa-hedro-adicon-a-di-bi-dolly-he-deca-dodron.  (loudly breathes
    out through his nose again) Everything else is popycock.  Isn't that so?

L:  Rimmer?

    Lister, Rimmer and Kryten are walking down a corridor.

R:  I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning - perhaps you'd like to hear
    it.

K:  I'm afraid we don't speak Japanese, sir.

R:  I could translate it into Mandarin for you.

L:  Rimmer we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin, and we don't
    speak satsuma!

L:  (to Kryten in a quiet voice as they enter the transmission room) He is
    really beginning to get on my pecks.

    (Rimmer is standing apart from them, making strange pointing motions
    towards the ceiling.)

K:  You must remember, sir, that he's operating on a completely different
    level to us now.  To him we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic
    science teachers.

K:  {Subject} ready for transfer.

R:  Farewell gentlemen.  Glory awaits!  (disappears)

    After an external shot of the two ships, we are aboard the holoship.
    Captain Platini appears on a computer screen and begins addressing
    the test candidates.  We see Rimmer and the other candidate in turn
    listening to the message.

CP: Test candidates, to preserve the pure intellectual nature of this
    challenge you will remain in separate suites.  The questions will
    come through your headphones in a variety of different languages
    to confuse and disorient you.  There will be a total of two hundred
    thousand questions in this initial session.  After you have completed
    the tasks at workstation A you may proceed to workstation B.

R:  I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously if it's all the same to you.
    (puts on a pair of headphones)

CP: Mr. Rimmer, that is impossible.

R:  Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.  (puts on a second pair of headphones)

CP: It begins.

    (We see a blue computer screen with white text (it says: ":q Given
    initial tangential deviation of theta/pi find the chord subtended by
    fractional derivative of the third quotient of theta").  Rimmer starts
    typing (we see ":a Negative vect" before the camera cuts away).  Then
    we see Rimmer typing on two keyboards, one with each hand.  The other
    contestant also types.  We see shots of both contestants, and a score
    screen with headings "Challenger" and "Crew member 4172" which counts
    upwards from 225 129.  Rimmer swaps his hands between the keyboards
    and starts typing with his arms crossed.  The score goes up to 369
    219.  Suddenly, Rimmer freezes.  His score stops at 369 while the
    crew member's score continues to increase.)

    After an external shot, we see Rimmer materialise on Red Dwarf and start
    running down a corridor.

    Meanwhile, the others are interviewing a female hologram.  Kryten has in
    front of him a printout of all the candidates' details.

L:  Erm, well you sound exactly like what we're looking for.  Are there any
    questions that you'd like to ask us?

Ha: I just want to get one thing clear in my mind.  This is an opportunity
    to be revived as a hologram and become a part of the crew, and the
    crew is you three.  Basically you spend your time salvaging derelict
    spaceships, playing poker and eating curries.

L:  Well we don't do that much salvaging.

Ha: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries.

K:  No, we don't eat curry every night if that's what you think.  In fact I
    remember quite clearly last June Mr. Lister had a pizza.  You remember?
    (Lister nods in agreement)

L:  Yeah.

K:  And you didn't like it.  But then I poured curry sauce all over it
    and he just yummed it up!

Ha: And the all-night poker sessions - is it always strip poker?

L:  It depends on how drunk we are.

C:  Or how much curry he's had.

Ha: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't really
    have much interest in horse riding or ballet.

L:  Fffine by us - as long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
    But of course there's one or two other people that we have to see, but
    in theory if we offered you the post of replacement hologram would you
    accept?

Ha: No.

L:  No.

Ha: No, I think erm, I'm better off where I am.

C:  But you're dead!

Ha: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more.

K:  Well thank you very much, Ms. Harrison.  Thank you.  Thank you very
    much.

L:  Next! (Harrison disappears)

H:  Next candidate: (a man appears) Deck seargent Sam Murray.

L:  Ah, Sam.  Now, as Holly will have told you--

    (Rimmer rushes in and interrupts.)

R:  Kryten my own mind's come back you've got to help me.

K:  Well, what happened exactly?  Was it a slow deterioration in your own
    intelligence or did it happen in seconds?

R:  Seconds.  I'm in the middle of the assessment.  You've got to give me
    another mind patch pronto.

K:  Oh, I'm sorry sir, it's classic rejection syndrome.  Once the minds are
    unmeshed there is nothing we can do.

R:  What are you talking about?

K:  Well you just don't have the sort of brain that can accept an implant,
    sir.

R:  (distraught) Oh no!

K:  I'm sorry sir.

R:  There must be something you can do!

K   I'm afraid not.

R:  But I'm winning, I'm so close!  (notices Sam Murray) Who's this?  I'm
    not even gone and you're choosing my replacement!

L:  We thought you weren't coming back.

R:  Well you should have known better shouldn't you.  You actually expect
    something to go right for me?  Arnold schmucko Rimmer?  Tosspot by royal
    appointment?  (starts to walk away.)

K:  Well where are you going, sir?

R:  I'm going to withdraw.

    After another external shot, we are in the holoship's lift with Rimmer,
    Number 1, and another female hologram.

1:  I hear you're doing really well in the assessment.

R:  (shaking head) HmmMMmmmMMMm.

1:  Well listen, if you make it through maybe you'd like to have sex some
    time next week.  I'm free Wednesday Morning.

R:  I'm sorry I'm busy Wednesday, I'm killing myself.

l:  Floor 6120, botanical gardens.  (The two women leave and Nirvanah Crane
    enters).

NC: Arnie, where've you been?

R:  To hell and back.  I've withdrawn from the challenge.

NC: But you're winning.

R:  I was using a mind patch.

NC: A mind patch - are you insane?

R:  I would have done anything to get on this ship.  Every time I look in
    the mirror, I see this (points at his letter H).  Only to me it doesn't
    mean hologram, it means half-wit, hopeless, hideous failure.  This was a
    chance to be somebody.  Somebody I liked.

NC: I've never met anyone like you before.

R:  Everyone says that.

NC: (taking hold of Rimmer by the cheeks) Listen to me mister!  Underneath
    all that neurotic mess is someone nice trying to get out.  Someone who
    deserves a chance to grow.  So you won't give up, OK?  OK?

R:  I cheated.

NC: You're going to win, Arnie.  You're going to get your dream.  I promise
    you.

R:  You really think?

    (Nirvanah Crane kisses her finger and touches Rimmer's lips.  The lift
    door opens.)

NC: I really think.  (leaves)

    An external shot.  Rimmer then materialises on the Red Dwarf and walks
    down a corridor into the room where Lister and Cat are.

R:  I won.

L:  What?

R:  My opponent withdrew.  I won.  I'm an officer.  I leave tonight. (leaves)

    In the transmission room, Rimmer is saying goodbye to the other
    Dwarfers, rather falteringly.  His letter H is now in a circle.

R:  Look, I'm not much good at big speeches, and I know I haven't always
    been an easy guy to get on with, and I know that given the choice I
    probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends.  But, I just want to
    say ... that over the years, ... I have come to regard you ... as ...
    people ... I met.  {Think} I'd just better go, OK?

L:  See you smeghead.

R:  Transfer.

K:  Transfer.  (Rimmer disappears.)

    In an external shot, the holoship disappears and we see the blue comet
    fly away.

    On board the holoship, Number 2 and Rimmer walk into a room.

2:  Here are your quarters, Mr. Rimmer.

R:  There must be some mistake - these are commander Crane's quarters.

2:  Oh didn't you know?  She was your opponent.  (Music starts playing, as
    from the film which was playing at the start of the episode.)

    Rimmer walks into the captain's room.

R:  Navigation officer Rimmer reporting, sir.

    (the music starts fading out.)

CP: Arnold, welcome aboard.  I trust everything's to your sa--

R:  Permission to speak, sir.  I wish to resign my commission, sir.

CP: Resign.  Er, may I ask your reasoning please?

R:  Flight commander Crane has taken leave of her senses and fallen in love
    with me, sir.

CP: Love?  Surely not.  Commander Crane is far too intellectually advanced
    to submit to a mere short-term hormonal imbalance.

R:  That's why she withdrew from the challenge and allowed me to win, sir.

CP: Mr. Rimmer, what you are suggesting is that somehow she cared more for
    your happiness than she did for her own life.

R:  Am I?  Yes sir, I suppose I am, sir.

CP: And now you are doing something equally unfathomable - resigning so that
    she can be reinstated, even though here you could have everything: a
    position of command, an effective physical presence, everything.

R:  Perhaps you'd be kind enough to pass this note on to her, sir.  (hands
    over an envelope.  The music starts again.)

CP: I understand your gesture, but really your resignation solves nothing.
    After all the two of you will still be...  apart.

R:  Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir.

CP: Granted.

    (Rimmer stands to attention and salutes.  He begins to leave.)

R:  Oh and sir, you're wrong.  We won't be apart, we just ... won't be
    together.

    (A look of disgust comes over Rimmer's face.)

R:  I cannnot believe I just said that!

    (Rimmer leaves.  While the music is coming to an end, the screen narrows
    to letterbox format and "The End" appears in a suitably tacky cursive
    script.)

    Closing credits.


Ian Collier
Ian.Collier@prg.ox.ac.uk | imc@ecs.ox.ac.uk