AOH :: JUSTICE.TXT|
Red Dwarf IV: "Justice"
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (David K Fraser)
Subject: script: Justice
Red Dwarf Season IV Episode 2: Justice
1. Int. Medical unit. Morning
LISTER is in the medical bed. His head is swollen to the size and shape of the
Mekon's. KRYTEN wheels in a breakfast trolley.
KRYTEN: How are you feeling, sir?
LISTER: (Weakly) Ohhh, much better, thanks, man.
KRYTEN: You certainly look better. I can't believe how much the swelling has
gone down overnight.
LISTER: You reckon?
KRYTEN: Definitely. It was almost interfering with the ceiling fan yesterday
afternoon. You're nearly back to your old self. In fact, you can hardly tell
you've got space mumps at all.
LISTER: Can I have a mirror?
KRYTEN takes out enormous head-measuring device.
KRYTEN: I don't think you're quite ready for a mirror yet, sir. Let's take it
one step at a time.
Measures Lister's head.
KRYTEN: What did I tell you? It's gone down eight inches overnight. You'll be up
and about in no time.
LISTER: I don't know what I would have done without you this last three weeks.
Florence Nightingdroid. Did you bring me breakfast?
KRYTEN: Yes, sir. Hot lager with croutons, just the way you asked.
LISTER lifts the lid of the soup bowl and starts to spoon up the lager.
LISTER: Well, you certainly find out who your mates are when you 've got an
unsightly, disfiguring ailment.
KRYTEN: Oh, I wouldn't say 'unsightly', sir.
LISTER: Oh, come on, Kryten. I've got a head like a hot-air balloon. I look like
the Human Lightbulb. And how many times have they dropped in with a word of
comfort or a bunch of grapes?
KRYTEN: It's just not been possible, sir. Mr Rimmer has been on vacation.
LISTER: The world's most charismatic man? Where did he go?
KRYTEN: On a rambling holiday through the diesel decks. A ten-day hike through
the ship's combustion engines with two of the skutters. He said he'd pop in
later and show you the slides.
LISTER: (Worried) He didn't, did he?
KRYTEN: He's been loading the projection carousel for twenty-four hours now.
LISTER: You've got to stop him. A slide show of the diesel decks - that could
finish me. (Sighs.) I'd have thought the Cat might have dropped in, though.
KRYTEN: Well, he's been a little preoccupied of late with this pod business.
(Curses himself.) Oh, srew down my diodes and call me Frank! I wasn't supposed
to mention that.
LISTER: What pod?
KRYTEN: Sir, you're not well - just forget I mentioned it.
LISTER: Come on, what pod?
KRYTEN: Yesterday evening we came across an escape pod floating in the local
asteroid belt. It contains the survivor of some space crash, apparently
LISTER: Oh, yeah?
KRYTEN: All the signs are she's in suitable condition for revival.
KRYTEN: As far as we can tell, she's a she.
LISTER: Oh that's great, isn't it? That's just typical. The first female company
in three million years, and I look like something that belongs up a whale's
LISTER gets up.
KRYTEN: You can't get up, sir. What are you doing?
LISTER: There's a woman on board - what d'you think I'm doing? I'm on the cop.
2. Int. Sleeping quarters. Morning
Space-worn escape pod, just large enough for a person. LISTER is examining the
LISTER: (Reading) 'Barbra Bellini'. What a beautiful name. There's no justice.
How could this happen to me?
CAT comes in.
LISTER: Maybe I could wear a turban and pretend I'm from India.
CAT: Maybe you could stick a spike in your head and pretend you're the Taj
LISTER: Oh, it's you. Well, thanks for visiting me. Thanks a lot.
CAT: You know what you look like? You could go out double-dating with the
Elephant Man, and he would be the looker.
LISTER: (Examining pod) Why isn't it activated? How come no one's started the
CAT: What? I thought Alphabet Head did it.
CAT presses a few buttons on the keypad, and lights begin to glow. On the pod
the display reads '29 hrs 59 mins 57 secs to revival' and the seconds count
LISTER: So who is she? Where did she come from?
CAT: (Caressing pod) Who cares? At last - a date.
LISTER: Who says she's going to be interested in you?
CAT: I see what you're saying. All that time alone in Deep Space could have
driven her insane.
LISTER: No. Say she's just an ordinary woman who doesn't go for your type.
CAT: No - I'd have heard about her. She'd have appeared in Ripley's Believe It
LISTER: Say she prefers someone else?
CAT: Like who?
LISTER: I dunno. Like me?
CAT: (Smiles) Buddy, you've got a head like a watermelon. What are you going to
do? Paint it with orange and black stripes and tell her you play quarterback
with the Bengals?
LISTER: I just think you're a bit cocky for a guy who's never actually met a
real woman before.
CAT: I've seen mirrors. I have eyes. Face it, buddy - I have a body that makes
men sweat. Have you ever heard of an animal called the Iranian jerd? it can do
150 pelvic thrusts a second.
CAT: That's me in slo-mo. Put a Black and Decker drill on the end, I can make it
RIMMER enters with KRYTEN.
RIMMER: Listy, what are you doing up? Shouldn't you be in the greenhouse with
the rest of the cantaloupes? (Notices pod.) Who started the R.P.?!
CAT: What's the problem? She's in there, let's get her out.
RIMMER: The problem, pussycat Willum, is this capsule was ejected from a prison
ship, on which the convicts mutinied. There was a pitched battle, with only
two survivors: one prisoner and one guard - the erstwhile Ms Bellini. One of
those two got into this pod and escaped. But, of course, you'll know all this,
having familiarised yourself thoroughly with the black-box recording.
LISTER: So, if it's not Bellini in there, who is it?
RIMMER: One of the prisoners. And considering the ship was transporting forty
psychotic, half-crazed, mass-murdering, super-strong androids, we thought it
prudent to find out who the smeg was in there before we woke them up.
KRYTEN: With respect, sir, they're not androids. They're simulants.
CAT: What's the difference?
KRYTEN: Well, the basic difference is that an android would never rip off a
human's head and spit down his neck.
LISTER: Can we stop it, Hol?
HOLLY: No. One-way process.
LISTER: Can't we find out who's inside by x-raying the pod?
HOLLY: No. Lead lining. Has to survive in space.
LISTER: there must be some way.
HOLLY: Oh, there is: all you have to do is hang around here for twenty-four
hours. Then, if you suddenly turn round and find your limbs are scattered
around Deep Space and your necks are full of saliva, you can take it as read
it probably wasn't Babs.
CAT: Why not tool up with bazookoids, wait for the pod to open, and if it's one
of these bad-ass android dudes, let it eat laser?
KRYTEN: Simulants are almost indestructible, sir. It could easily withstand a
volley of bazookoid fire at close range. It would certainly survive long
enough to make balloon animals out of your lower intestines.
RIMMER: Well, I see no other option. Let's blast it back into space.
LISTER: Say it isn't a simulant? We can't just shoot an innocent woman into
CAT: What a dilemma! Inside that pod is either death or a date. Personally, I'm
prepared to take the risk.
RIMMER: Meanwhile, the pod is defrosting, and we still haven't decided what to
do. Any ideas, Holly?
HOLLY: Here's a possibility: the black box contains the coordinates of the penal
colony the prison ship was heading for. There are bound to be facilities there
to contain any hostile form. If it turns out to be Bellini, we release her. If
it 's the simulant, we can bung him in a cell and leave him to rot.
RIMMER: If the colony's still there, and if it's still operational.
KRYTEN: There's an old android saying, which, I believe,has particular relevance
here. Goes like this: 'If you don't gosub a program loop, you'll never get a
LISTER: We have a human saying that means the same thing: nothing ventured,
KRYTEN: I think the android one is punchier.
3. Model shot. Starbug in space
4. Int. Starbug cockpit section
The CAT is piloting. Lister is beside him, still with his swollen head.
CAT: You have to sit up here?
LISTER: It's warmer in the front. Seems to help my gunge.
CAT: I can't see anything. You're head keeps getting in the way of the mirror.
In fact, your head keeps on getting in the way of the windscreen.
>From the rear section we hear:
RIMMER: (VO) Next! Ah, now, this one...
5. Int. Starbug rear section
Blank screen. Shot of RIMMER in hiking gear, standing next to an incredibly
boring piece of machinery with a SKUTTER, slides into view.
RIMMER: We reached this beauty on the evening of the fourth day. The
Cameron-Mackintosh forty-valve, air-cooled diesel - the 184 - it's almost
identical to the 179, but have you noticed the difference? Can you see the
refinement in the funnel edgings?
Reaction: KRYTEN watching, obviously in pain.
RIMMER: I thought: we're not going to get another chance to see one of these, so
we bivouacked down under the fuel pump for the night. There's a funny story
about that, which I'll tell you later. But we're not going to get to any of
the class fives unless we push along. Next!
KRYTEN: Sir, can we just take a break for a while? My intelligence circuits
appear to have melted.
RIMMER: Well, we're not going to get through them all if we have a second
KRYTEN: Sir, that's a gamble I'm willing to take.
>From the front section we hear a sort of soggy explosion. There is a pause.
CAT: (Revolted) Oh my godddd!
LISTER: Ah! That's better.
CAT staggers in, covered in yellow slime.
CAT: His... head... burst!
LISTER wanders in behind him. His hair is all matted, and skin is dangling from
his head. He tears off a bit and grins amiably.
LISTER: Oh, man, that is so much better. I feel great. Talk about a weight off
CAT: I don't want to live. Someone, please. Shoot me in the head.
6. Model shot
Penal colony space station. Starbug approaching.
Typist's note: The space station is a nice example of humour in the special
effects department. Imagine a pair of scales (a traditional symbol of law and
order) about a mile wide and made out of silvery metal...
7. Int. Starbug cockpit
Everyone is crowded around LISTER, seated in drive seat.
LISTER: Anything down there, Hol?
HOLLY: No life forms, not according to heat scan.
KRYTEN: Any mechanical intelligence?
HOLLY: Yes, the mainframe's still operational. Just initiating interface. Hang
about. Here we go. Getting a message.
Holly's voice changes to deep, husky male.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Welcome to Justice World. Please state your clearance code and
prison officer ident.
LISTER: We're not a prison ship. We don't have a clearance code. We just want
to use your facilities.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: State Life-form inventory.
RIMMER: Four: one hologram, one mechanoid, two humanoid.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Transfer ship navicomp to my jurisdiction.
Lister flips a switch.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: On landing, please disembark and proceed through neutral area
to the clearance zone.
8. Model shot
Starbug swoops towards the colony.
9. Int. Corridor on colony
CAT, KRYTEN, RIMMER and LISTER walk along derilict corridor. Sign on wall reads
JUSTICE COMPUTER: (Over) Until you are granted a clearance code, please observe
all security requirements. Your party will be met by a consgnment of escort
They exchange glances. From around the corner, four pairs of disembodied boots
walk down the corridor towards them. The boots look like metal versions of
concrete boots. Electronic lights decorate them. The boots walk up to them,
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Please step into the boots.
LISTER stands inside one pair of the boots, and they close around his feet. The
CAT steps into his boots.
CAT: I'm supposed to wear these? They look like Frankenstein's hand-me-downs.
You haven't got anything with a cuban heel or a crepe sole?
RIMMER: I can't use these - I'm a hologram.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: That has been accounted for.
RIMMER and KRYTEN step into their boots.
LISTER: Now what?
The boots light up, and all four of them lurch forward as the boots escort them
down the corridor, in a variety of funny walks.
10. Int. Another corridor on Justice World
They file down a corridor. Each of them pauses under a cone of blue light.
LISTER: What's this?
KRYTEN: Relax, sir. It's just a mind-probe.
And the boots lead them on.
11. Int. Clearance Zone
The boots escort them into the middle of the room.
LISTER: What's a mind-probe?
KRYTEN: The computer was merely searching our minds - presumably for any
evidence of criminal activity.
LISTER; Whu-what d'you mean, criminal activity?
KRYTEN; I shouldn't worry, sir. It's just a routine clearance procedure.
LISTER: So when you say 'criminal activity', whu-whu-what exactly do you mean by
'criminal activity'? How criminal do you mean by criminal?
RIMMER: What are you bleating on about, Lister?
LISTER: Just define 'criminal activity' for me.
KRYTEN: Well, imagine a situation where someone had commited a crime and
concealed it from the law, the mind-probe would be able to uncover that crime
and sentence the person accordingly.
LISTER: Why didn't nobody tell me about this before we put the smegging boots
RIMMER: Oh, Listy, Listy. Is that a small sewage plant you're carrying in your
trousers, or do I detect you're a tad concerned?
LISTER: Well, come on, guys - everyone has done something in their past that's a
little bit illegal.
RIMMER: I haven't. I've never so much as got a parking fine.
LISTER: Yeah, but most people...I mean, everyone I knew...Aw, smeggin' hell.
CAT: So what did you do?
LISTER: Well, I mean, like scrumping. I mean, when I was a kid, back in
Liverpool, we all used to go scrumping.
KRYTEN: Stealing apples? That's hardly a crime.
LISTER: Yeah, but me and me mates - we went scrumping for cars.
RIMMER: Did you get caught?
LISTER: All the time. I was stupid.
KRYTEN: Well, that's no problem then. You've served your punishment.
LISTER: Yeah, but there was other stuff as a kid. Stuff I didn't get caught
RIMMER: Like what?
LISTER: There was one time at this hotel...
KRYTEN: Oh, lots of people take towels from hotels.
LISTER: I took the bed. Winched it out of the window to my mate outside. I was
renting this flat. It was unfurnished.
RIMMER: So you went to a hotel and stole the bed?
LISTER: I stole the entire room, actually. Armchair, dressing-table, carpet.
Even the fitted wardrobe. The only thing I didn't take were the towels. I'm
not proud of it.
RIMMER: Absolutely despicable. You are a common thief.
LISTER; I'm not making excuses, but everyone was doing it. I wasn't strong
enough to go against the flow.
CAT: Well, I wouldn't like to be in your boots right now, buddy.
LISTER: What's going to happen to me?
KRYTEN: I wouldn't worry anout it, sir. I'm sure they're not interested in a
minor misdemeanour you committed as an adolescent over three million years
LISTER: Seriously, Kryten: you reckon?
KRYTEN: (Brightens) Boy, I'm really getting the hang of this 'lie mode'. That
was totally convincing, wasn't it?
JUSTICE COMPUTER: The mechanoid Kryten: clearance granted. You are free to go
about the complex.
Kryten's boots release him. He steps free.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: The creature known as Cat: clearance granted.
The Cat's boots release him.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: The human known as Lister: despite a number of petty criminal
acts: clearance granted.
LISTER closes his eyes. We hear boots release him.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: The hologrram known as Rimmer. Guilty of second-degree murder.
One thousand, one hundred and sixty-seven counts.
RIMMER: No...There's some mistake, surely...
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Each count carries a statuatory penalty of eight years' penal
servitude. In the light od your hologrammatic status, these sentences are to
be seved consecutively, making a total sentence of nine thousand, three
hundred and twenty-eight years.
RIMMER: I've never so much as returned a library book late. Second-degree
murder? A thousand people? I would have remembered.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Your wilful negligence in failing to reseal a drive plate
resulted in the deaths of the entire crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation
vessel the Red Dwarf.
RIMMER: (Pause.) Oh, that.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Sentence to commence immediately.
Rimmer's boots light up, and he is frogmarched out of the room.
12. Int. Another corridor on the colony.
RIMMER is being marched along in his escort boots. He passes under a strange
archway bathed in a strange light.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: You are now leaving the Neutral Area and entering the Justice
Zone. Beyond this point, it is impossible to commit any act of injustice.
RIMMER: (Quietly) Help.
13. Model shot. Justice World
14. Int. Rimmer's apartment. Day
A white room - fairly spartan, but it certainly doesn't look like a prison cell.
Bed, table, etc. RIMMER is sitting forlornly on the bed in some futuristic
prison garb. LISTER comes in.
LISTER: Hi, Killer.
RIMMER: Nine thousand years. Nine!
LISTER: I brought you a book.
LISTER tosses book on bed.
RIMMER: Oh, thanks. That'll help the centuries fly past.
LISTER: Look, don't panic, man. We're going to get you out of here.
RIMMER: Why bother? I'll be up for parole in a couple of Ice Ages.
LISTER: Kryten reckons you've got right of appeal. He's trying to get a case
together. (Looks round.) This isn't a bad place for a prison. How come there
are no locks or bars or guards or anything?
RIMMER: There doesn't need to be. The whole prison is covered by something
called a Justice Field. I had to sit through this lecture. Apparently it's
physically impossible to commit any kind of crime here.
LISTER: What d'you mean?
RIMMER: Try and commit a crime. You'll see.
LISTER: Like what?
RIMMER: I don't know. Anything...Arson. Try and set fire to those blankets.
RIMMER: Just try it.
LISTER crosses to the blankets, takes out his Zippo and holds the flame under
the blanket. The blanket doesn't ignite, but Lister's jacket starts smoking at
the back. LISTER doesn't realize.
RIMMER: Whatever crime you try and commit, the consequences happen to you.
LISTER: I'm not with you.
Feels the heat from the back of his flaming jacket.
LISTER: Smegging hell!
Takes his jacket off and jumps up and down on it.
LISTER: Nice example, Rimmer! You couldn't just have explained that to me
RIMMER: Same with stealing. Same with everything.
LISTER: With you. So if you nick something, something of yours goes missing?
RIMMER: Right. Try it.
LISTER: (Pause while he thinks about it.) No.
RIMMER: See? It's the perfect system. It forces the inmates to adhere to the
law. And when they get out, it's become second nature.
KRYTEN enters, followed by the CAT.
KRYTEN: Good news. the Justice Computer has sanctioned a re-trial. I think we
have a very strong case.
RIMMER: You do?
KRYTEN: It's a question of differentiating between guilt and culpability, sir.
What the mind-probe detected was your own sense of guilt about the accident.
In a way, you tried and convicted yourself. I simply have to establish you're
a neurotic, under-achieving emotional retard whose ambition far outstrips his
miniscule abilities and who consequently blames himself for an accident for
which he could not possibly have been responsible.
RIMMER: You're going to try to prove that I was innocent of negligence on the
grounds that I'm a half-witted incompetent?
CAT: Man, there ain't a jury in the land that won't buy a plea like that.
KRYTEN: Not a half-wit, exactly - more a buffoon.
RIMMER: (Thinks about it. He's quite impressed.) Right, I see. But how would you
even begin to build such a case? Where would you conjure up the evidence?
KRYTEN: Sir, providing I can have completely free access to your personal data
files, I think I can come up with the outline of a winning case by lunchtime.
15. Model shot
Starbug at rest in the Justice World landing bay. Mix to:
16. Int. Clearance zone. Day.
LISTER and CAT look on. RIMMER is seated in his dress uniform with long-service
medals. KRYTEN addresses the court.
KRYTEN: The mind-probe was created to detect guilt, yet in the case of Arnold
Judas Rimmer the guilt it detected attaches to no crime. He held a position of
little or no authority on Red Dwarf. He was a lowly grease-monkey, a nothing,
a piece of sputum floating in the toilet bowl of life.
Shot: RIMMER, unsure how to react.
KRYTEN: Yet he could never come to terms with a lifetime of under-achievement.
His absurdly inflated ego would never permit it. He's like the security guard
on the front gate who considers himself head of the corporation. So, when the
crew were wiped out by a nuclear accident, Arnold Rimmer accepted the blame:
it was his ship, ergo his fault. I ask the court: look at this man. This man
who sat and failed his astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen
occasions. This sad man, this pathetic man, this joke of a man...
RIMMER: (Discreetly) Kryten. You're going over the top. The computer will never
KRYTEN: Trust me, sir. My whole case hinges on proving you're a dork.
RIMMER: (Reluctantly) Understood.
KRYTEN: (Aloud) I call my first witness.
LISTER crosses to stand, wearing some sort of apology for a tie.
LISTER: Dave Lister.
LISTER: (Thinks about it. Shrugs.) Bum.
KRYTEN: Would you desribe the accused as a friend?
CAT: (Calls) Take the Fifth!
KRYTEN: Answer the question, please. Remember, you're under polygraphic
surveillance. Would you describe the accused as a friend?
LISTER: No, I would describe the accused as a git.
KRYTEN: Who would you say, then, is the person who thinks of him most fondly?
LISTER: (Thinks about it, and answers truthfully) Me.
KRYTEN: And there are no others who've shared moments of intimacy with him?
LISTER: Only one. But she's got a puncture.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Overruled.
KRYTEN: So you wouldn't describe him as a man with a good social life?
LISTER: He partied less than Rudolf Hess. He was totally dedicated to his
career. He was in charge of Z shift, and it occupied his every waking moment.
KRYTEN: And what was Z shif's most important duty?
LISTER: Well, we had lots of duties around the ship, but I suppose our most
vital responsibility was making sure the vending machines didn't run out of
fun-size Munchie Bars.
KRYTEN: Can you envisage a situation where the lack of honeycomb-centered
chocolate bars might be the direct cause of a lethal radiation leak?
LISTER: Not off the top of my head, no.
KRYTEN: (Turns) I ask the court one key question: would the Space Corps have
allowed this man (Poits at Rimmer) ever to be in a position where he might
endanger the ship? A man so petty and small-minded he would while away his
evenings sewing name labels on to his ship-issue condoms? A man of such awsome
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Objection overruled.
KRYTEN: A man of such awsome stupidity, he even objects to his own defence
counsel. An over-zealous, trumped up little squirt...
JUSTICE COMPUTER: Overruled.
KRYTEN: An incompetent vending-machine repairman with a Napoleon complex, who
commanded as much respect and affection from his fellow crew members as Long
John Silver's parrot...
JUSTICE COMPUTER: If you object to your own counsel once more, Mr Rimmer, you'll
be in contempt.
KRYTEN: Who would put this man, this joke of a man, a man who couldn't outwit a
used tea bag, in a position of authority where he could wipe out an entire
crew? Who? Only a yoghurt. This man is not guilty of manslaughter. He's only
guilty of being Arnold J. Rimmer. That is his crime. It is also his
punishment. Defence rests.
He sits down next to Rimmer, and stares fixidly ahead. RIMMER shoots him a
little look, not quite sure what to think.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: The defendant will stand for the verdict.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: In the view of your counsel's eloquent defence, together with
the reams of material evidence he submitted on computer card, this court
accepts that, in your case, the mind-probe is not anadequate method of
assessing guilt. It is not possible for you to have committed the crimes for
which you blame yourself, and you may therefore go free.
KRYTEN: Sir, what are you objecting to?
RIMMER: I want an apology.
17. Int. Starbug rear
KRYTEN and RIMMER come up the ramp, followed by LISTER and CAT.
RIMMER: Brilliant, Kryten. What can I say. You were brilliant. You even had me
believing it. The way you twisted the facts to make them seem to fit that
CAT: Come on, let's get out of here. I don't know what made us want to come to
this hell-hole in the first place.
LISTER: I do.
They all look at the pod. It is open. And it's empty.
CAT: (Smiles) CAn I smell perfume?
The SIMULANT lurches into the doorway from the cockpit area, brandishing
a bazookoid and an evil-looking handgun.
SIMULANT: I doubt it.
LISTER grabs a bazookoid by the door and starts backing out.
CAT: Are you by any chance Barbra Bellini? I didn't think so.
18. Int. Corridor on colony.
Red Dwarf crew fleeing down corridor.
CAT: To think I carressed his pod!
They leap over the escort boots and run on.
19. Same corridor on colony
The SIMULANT running along. A pair of escort boots shuffles towards him. He
blasts the left one. The right boot turns and starts hopping for its life. The
SIMULANT takes careful aim and blasts it in the back of the heel
20. Int. Another corridor on the colony
The CREW race under the archway bathed in strange light.
JUSTICE COMPUTER: You are now entering the Justice Zone. Beyond this point, it
is impossible to commit any act of injustice.
LISTER and RIMMER dash off one way, CAT and KRYTEN go the other.
21. Int. Corridor on colony
SIMULANT walking along, looking for them.
SIMULANT: Hey, my friends, I don't want any trouble. I just want your space
craft. Give me the start-up code. Look! (Holds up his gun.) I have no weapon.
(Throws gun aside.)
Cut to: RIMMER and LISTER on metal walkway. As he walks under them LISTER has
the SIMULANT in his sights.
RIMMER: What are you waiting for? Gloop him.
LISTER: I can't. He's not armed.
RIMMER: Lister, this isn't a Scout meeting. We're not trying to win the Best-
Behaved Troop flag. Gloop him.
LISTER: What? In the back?
RIMMER: Of course in the back. It's only a pity he's awake.
LISTER: You mean you could happily kill him if he was asleep?
RIMMER: I could happily kill him if he was on the job. Gloop him.
LISTER: It's immoral.
SIMULANT: Come on, you wouldn't shoot an unarmed droid. Come out and let's
LISTER sets aside his gun.
LISTER: I'm going to talk to him.
22. Int. Metal gangway
SIMULANT stands, unarmed, as LISTER drops into shot.
LISTER: You want to talk? Let's talk.
SIMULANT: You have no weapon?
LISTER: No. You have no weapon?
They walk towards each other.
SIMULANT: Guess what? (Pulls out hunting knife.) I lied.
LISTER: Guess what? (Allows pole to slide from the arm of his jacket.) So did I.
SIMULANT: But I lied twice. (Pulls out a handgun.)
LISTER: I didn't think of that.
SIMULANT: I'm very glad you didn't.
LISTER: What did you want to talk about?
SIMULANT: Your death. (Cocks the gun.) Your imminent death.
Fires at Lister's chest. LISTER looks down at his chest. There's no wound. The
SIMULANT fires ahain. Still no wound. And again. No wound. Suddenly three bullet
wounds appear in the Simulant's chest. He staggers forwards, bewildered. LISTER
hits the Simulant over the head with his pole. Then LISTER reels back, dazed and
half-conscious and falls to his knees. The SIMULANT fires again. Another bullet
wound appears in the Simulant's body, this time in his shoulder. LISTER staggers
to his feet, swings the club again, sideways, catching the Simulant in the
midriff, but it's LISTER who feels the impact of the blow and flies out of shot.
He is lying in a crumpled heap.
LISTER: What the smeg is going on?
The SIMULANT looks at his gun, casts it aside. Staggers a bit. Takes out the
knife again and hurls it at LISTER. The dagger appears in the Simulant's chest.
He pulls it out, slightly bemused, and hurls it at LISTER again. This time, it
appears in the Simulant's head. LISTER grins. Enlightenment spreads over his
features. He grabs a nearby bottle and hands it to the staggering SIMULANT.
SIMULANT: Zzzzzt. Does not compute. Zzzzzt. Error. Zzzzzt. Malfunction.
SIMULANT smashes it over Lister's head. The SIMULANT staggers and shakes his
head. LISTER hands more bottles to the Simulant, who smashes them over Lister's
head, staggering and growling with each blow. Finally, LISTER grabs the
Simulant's hands, puts them around his neck, and the Simulant tries to throttle
him but, obviously, is really strangling himself. Nearly choking to death, he
releases his grip and staggers back. LISTER takes out an indelible pen and marks
a target on his groin. He walks towards the almost beaten Simulant, thrusting
his groin forward as he goes. The SIMULANT kicks Lister in the groin. LISTER
stands there, grinning, as the SIMULANT flies backwards and collapses into a
defeated heap. The CAT runs up brandishing a huge snow shovel.
CAT: I've got him, buddy. Leave this to me.
LISTER: Cat! No!
CAT: Better late than never.
CAT raises the shovel high over his head, and slams the SIMULANT over the head.
The CAT laughs triumphantly. Suddenly, the smile freezes on his face, and he
falls backwards out of shot.
23. Model shot. Starbug landing in Red Dwarf cargo bay
24. Int. Red Dwarf corridor. Day
LISTER, RIMMER, KRYTEN and CAT, walking back.
LISTER: Makes you think, doesn't it? Mankind's history has been one long search
for justice. That's what all religions are about: they accept life as being
basically unfair but promise everyone will get their just deserts later:
heaven, hell, karma, reincarnation, whatever. Those guys who built the penal
colony tried to give some order to the universe by creating the Justice Field.
But when you're living in an enviroment where justice does exist, there's no
free will. That's why in our universe there can never be true, eternal justice
- good things will happen to bad people, and bad things will happen to good
people. It's the way it's got to be. Life, by it's very nature, has to be
cruel, unkind and unfair.
LISTER falls down an open manhole cover.
CAT: Thank god for that.
CAT puts the lid on, and they walk off.
----------------------------------- THE END ------------------------------------
David K Fraser | "It will be happened; it shall be going to be
Computing Science Student | happening; it will be was an event that could
Glasgow University | will have been taken place in the future."
e-mail: email@example.com | --time travel explained by Rimmer (Red Dwarf)
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