Red Dwarf
                          Season 1, Episode 6:
                                  Me^2
                      by Bob Grant and Doug Naylor



HOLLY: This an SOS distress call from the mining ship Red Dwarf.  The
  crew are dead, killed by a radiation leak.  The only survivors were
  Dave Lister who was in suspended animation at the time of the disaster
  and his pregnant cat who was safely sealed in the hold.  Revived three
  million years later, Lister's only companions are a lifeform who
  evolved from his cat and Arnold Rimmer, a hologram simulation of one
  of the dead crew.  We've got enough food to last three thousand years
  but we've only got one After Eight mint left and everyone's too polite
  to take it.




[SCENE: Sleeping Quarters.  LISTER is looking over a bookshelf.]

LISTER: "Astronavigation and Invisible Numbers Made Simple." That's
  Rimmer's. [tosses the book into a trunk and looks back at the shelf]
  Ah, ha!  "The Pop-Up Kama Sutra - Zero Gravity Edition!"  That's mine!
  [sticks the book under his pillow, turns back to the shelf, and finds
  a video tape] "Arnold J. Rimmer - A Tribute."  What's this?

RIMMER: [walking in] It's a video of my death.

LISTER: You video'd your death?

RIMMER: Holly did it for me.

LISTER: You're very strange, Rimmer.

RIMMER: What's so strange?  You have videos of weddings and births.

LISTER: So, what, do you have other people around, give 'em a sherry,
  and invite them to watch you snuff it?

RIMMER: Lister, my death is one of the most important things that ever
  happened to me.  Just stick it in the trunk and shut up.

LISTER: [tossing the tape into the trunk] Weeeird!

RIMMER: [pointing to music and sports posters tacked up over LISTER's
  bunk] Uh, what about these posters?

LISTER: They're mine!

RIMMER: I know, but the Blu-Tac is mine.

LISTER: You want to take the Blu-Tac?

RIMMER: Well, it is mine.  I did pay for it with my money.

LISTER: Oh, there's one of your old toenail clippings under the bed.
  I'll put that in too, shall I?

RIMMER: Ah, Lister, this is one the best decisions I ever made.  No more
  you and your stupid, annoying face.  No more you and your stupid,
  annoying habits.

LISTER: Me?  What did I do?

RIMMER: You hummed.  Maliciously and persistently for two years.  Every
  time I sat down to do some revision: MMMMmmMMmMmMMMmMMMMMMMmmm....

LISTER: Hang on, are you saying you never became an officer because you
  shared your quarters with someone who hummed?

RIMMER: Obviously not just that, Lister, everything!  Everything you
  ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me.

LISTER: Like what?

RIMMER: Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray.

LISTER: I didn't know!  I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo.

RIMMER: Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of
  taking my Engineering Finals, I went swimming.

LISTER: The symbols fell off.  I thought I put them back in the right
  place.

RIMMER: Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly.

LISTER: Come on, that was a joke.

RIMMER: Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on
  the waiting list for experimental pile surgery.

LISTER: It's not only one-way, Rimmer.  You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy.  Mr.
  Easy-To-Live-With.

RIMMER: What are you talking about?

LISTER: I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through
  the night.  "Learn Esperanto While You Sleep." "Learn Quantum Theory
  While You Sleep."

RIMMER: We both got the same benefit.

LISTER: Yeah, neither of us got any sleep.  And what about the time you
  tied me hair to the bedpost and then sounded the fire alarm?

RIMMER: Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me.  I
  don't have to explain it.

LISTER: I nearly needed brain surgery!

RIMMER: What brains?  The point is you've always stopped me being
  successful.  That's a scientific fact.

LISTER: Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life.

RIMMER: Oh, yes, I can.

LISTER: See!  It's always the same.  You never had the right pens for
  your G.E. drawing.  Your dividers don't stretch far enough.

RIMMER: Well, they don't!

LISTER: See!  In the end you can't turn around and say, "I'm sorry I
  buggered up my life, it's all Lister's fault!"

RIMMER: Well, I'm not, am I?  I'm moving out.  Out of Slob City and into
  Successville.

LISTER: What, you mean next door?

RIMMER: It's not the place, Lister.  It's the company.  I'm about to
  share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement and
  understanding, the thrust and parry of meaningful conversation.

[Another Rimmer, RIMMER #2, sticks his head in the door.]

RIMMER #2: Everything tickety-boo?

RIMMER: Absolutely, Mr. Rimmer.  I'll be along lickety-split.

RIMMER #2: Carry on!

[RIMMER and RIMMER #2 both give each other a Full-Rimmer salute.  RIMMER
#2 leaves.]

RIMMER: What a guy!  I just don't know why I didn't think if this
  before.  A duplicate me.

LISTER: Yeah, yeah. [picks up a painting] Carry this for ya?

RIMMER: Be very careful with that.  It's an antique.  It's absolutely
  priceless.

[LISTER turns the painting round to get a look at and we see that it's
one of those really cheesy cute dog paintings.]

LISTER: [carrying painting out] Oh, man. [mockingly] Tickety-boo.
  Lickety-split.  Gawd, meaningful conversation.

[LISTER walks alongs corridor 159 from his door to the door next to it.]

LISTER: [reading the name plaque by the door] Second Technician Arnold
  J. Rimmer and Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer. [shakes his head and
  activates the door opening panel]

[LISTER carries the painting into the Rimmers' Sleeping Quarters.  The
room is symmetrical with a tidy little bunk on each side of the room, a
desk in the middle, and posters with geometric patterns on the wall.]

RIMMER #2: Ah, Lister.  Be very careful with that.  It's an antique.
  It's absolutely priceless.

RIMMER: Gosh, I just said that!

RIMMER #2: Did you, really?  That's incredible!  What a lovely story!

[The two Rimmers laugh.]

LISTER: [points to a sign on the wall] Why have you got "No Smoking"
  signs up when neither of you smoke?

RIMMER: Because they're our "No Smoking" signs and we happen to think
  they look rather striking.

LISTER: [spotting newspaper headlines cut out and pasted on the door]
  Whoa ho ho!  What's all this?!  "Arnold's Tops With Us", "I Owe It All
  To Rimmer", "Arnie Does It Best".  This is very funny stuff.

RIMMER: Uh, just go.

LISTER: Because your name's Arnold Rimmer and even though these
  headlines are about other people, you've cut them out and put them on
  the wall so people will think they're about you?

RIMMER #2: Shoo, shoo, shoo!

RIMMER: Look, go on, out!

LISTER: This job's going to keep me laughing all through the winter!

RIMMER: Lister, we don't have to take this anymore.  We don't have to
  put up with your snidey remarks, your total slobbiness, your socks
  that set off the sprinkler system.

RIMMER #2: Vacate our quarters!

LISTER: [to RIMMER] Bye bye, Rimmer.  No, wait.  [to RIMMER] Bye bye,
  [to RIMMER #2] bye bye, [to RIMMER] Rimmer, [to RIMMER #2] Rimmer.
  [heads out]

RIMMER and RIMMER #2: Goit.




[SCENE: Corridor 147.  The CAT dances along.]

CAT: Oooooowwww!!!  I'm looking good today!  If I looked any better, I'd
  be illegal! [pulls out a megaphone] Hello, hello, testing, testing,
  me, me, me!  Attention, all lady cats, I am feeling very, very sexy!
  Can you hear me, lady cats?! My body is available!  Please form a
  queue!  No squabbling! This is your lucky day!




[SCENE: Lister's Sleeping Quarters.]

LISTER: [humming] MMMMmmmmmMmmMMMMmmMMMMMMmmMmmmmMMmmm....
  lallallanannalalnalaaaa.... Ecstasy!  NANANANAANNAAANNAAAA! We're
  talking mega-ecstasy bliss!  I can hum as loud as I like, as long as I
  like.  I'm a free man. [looks at the hamper] And you see those socks?
  See 'em? [dumps the hamper out on the floor] They're going right where
  they belong, all over the floor, where any self-respecting bachelor
  would keep 'em.  I can have the bottom bunk, the big bunk!  [hops into
  the bottom bunk and kicks his feet around joyously.  He hops back out
  and grabs the shampoo bottle from the sink]  I'm gonna leave the top
  of the shampoo off! [takes off the top of the shampoo bottle off] I'm
  going to squeeze the toothpaste right from the middle! [opens the
  toothpaste and squeezes a lot of it into the air] In fact, I'm gonna
  do all the things that drove him bonkers!  I'm gonna crack me
  knuckles! [cracks knuckles] I'm gonna grind me teeth! [grinds teeth]
  I'm gonna live for a change! Yeeheeheeheeeeee!!! [leaps into a
  handstand, landing with his face right near the dirty socks on the
  floor] Ugh, smeggin' hell! [picks up the socks and puts the back in
  the hamper, coughing] What's this? [picks up a video tape from the
  floor] Video of Rimmer's death?  Holly, get us some popcorn, put the
  video on for us, would ya?

HOLLY: Well, I can just about manage that, I suppose.

[LISTER pulls a stool up to the monitor over the sink as a scutter rolls
up with a box of popcorn.]

[On the monitor the words: "A Tribute to Arnold J. Rimmer, BSc, SSc"
appear, accompanied by dramatic music.]

HOLLY: "BSc, SSc"?  What's that?

LISTER: Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate.  He
  was a total lunatic.

RIMMER: [on the video] Hello.  This video pays homage to a man who fell
  short of greatness by a gnat's wing.  Before we see a digitalized
  recording of his final moments, there's going to be a lengthy tribute,
  interspersed with poetry readings, read by me.

LISTER: Whoa-ho, Hol.  Spin on! [The video fast forwards] Okay, Hol.
  Put it in motion. [The video continues]

RIMMER: [on the video] ...and if it hadn't been for those people who
  kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back...

LISTER: Spin on! [The video fast forwards and continues]

RIMMER: [on the video] ...if you put Napolean in quarters with Lister,
  he'd still be in Corsica, peeling spuds.

LISTER: [a mite peeved] Spin on! [The video fast forwards and continues]

RIMMER: [on the video] ...we see the final moments of Arnold J. Rimmer.

LISTER: Yes!

[On the video, Captain HOLLISTER is in the Drive Room yelling at RIMMER
who is standing at attention.  A few random officers stand in the back.]

HOLLISTER: [on the video to RIMMER] Look, it was your job to fix it,
  Rimmer!  You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!

RIMMER: [on the video] I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for
  any consequences. [executes a Full-Rimmer salute]

[A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room by
a tremendous wind.]

HOLLY: [on the video] Emergency.  There's an emergency going on.  Will
  Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159.  This is an
  emergency announcement.

[We see RIMMER as he is thrown against a wall, screaming]

RIMMER: [on the video] Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh... gazpacho soup.

[RIMMER is blown out of shot until only his arm is visible which falls
into the shattered remains of a snow flurry paperweight (echoes of
"Citizen Kane").]

LISTER: Off. [the video stops] Gazpacho soup?  Why were his last words
  "gazpacho soup"?

CAT: [walking in with his megaphone] Attention lady cats! Sensual
  emergency!  Good lovin' needed bad! [spins around] Ooooooowwww! [to
  LISTER] Hey, no girls here?  What a waste of a good move! It's a
  shame.  I'm looking so dangerous, too! Wow!  Yeah yeah! Yeah yeah
  yeah!

LISTER: Cat, what are you doing?

CAT: [gentlemanly] I'm courting.

LISTER: Courting who?

CAT: Whoever shows up.

LISTER: I told you before.  There's no other cats on board.

CAT: If I believed that for one minute, I'd go crazy! [dancing out]
  Oooooowwww!  Yeah yeah!  Yeah yeah!




[SCENE: Rimmers' Quarters.  The two Rimmers are exercising by squatting
then leaping high into the air, throwing their arms above them.  Looks
like overexuberant jumping jacks.]

RIMMER #2: [jumping] Up, up, up!  Stretch, stretch, stretch!  Stretch
  further!

RIMMER: [stopping] ...and rest.

RIMMER #2: [jumping] No!  Keep jumping!

RIMMER: [jumping some more] Absolutely.  Keep on going. Through the pain
  barrier.  Jump, jump, jump!  [stopping] And rest.

RIMMER #2: [jumping] What are you doing, man?!

RIMMER: I'm resting!  It's going all gray!

RIMMER #2: [jumping] That's the pain barrier!  Beat it!

RIMMER: [jumping awkwardly] You're right.  You're absolutely right.
  Keep it going.

RIMMER #2: [stopping] And rest.

RIMMER: [collapsing] Brilliant!  That extra little bit. That's what it's
  all about.

RIMMER #2: What time do we get up?

RIMMER: Oh, early!  Half past eight.

RIMMER #2: No, earlier than that.  Seven.

RIMMER: How 'bout six?

RIMMER #2: No, half past four.

RIMMER: That's the middle of the night!

RIMMER #2: You wanted driving.  I'm driving you.

RIMMER: You're absolutely right.  Holly, alarm call four-thirty in the
  morning.  Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one.

HOLLY: Yes, Arnold.  And Arnold.

[RIMMER starts to crawl into bed]

RIMMER #2: Uh, what are you doing, Arnold?

RIMMER: I'm going to bed, Arnold.

RIMMER #2: But it's two in the morning!  We can get in a couple hours of
  revision easily.

RIMMER: But I'm getting up in a minute.

RIMMER #2: You take Porous Circuits and Esperanto.  I'll take Thermal
  Energy and the History of Philosophy.

RIMMER: [getting up] Fantastic!  This is what I've always dreamed of!
  I'm in heaven!  Better than sex.




[SCENE: View of Red Dwarf from space]

HOLLY: Good morning.  It is four-thirty.  Here is your early morning
  alarm call.

[A huge blast made of warbles, barks, whistles, and sirens shakes the
ship.]




[SCENE: Corridor 149, outside LISTER's quarters.  RIMMER is directing
the scutters in painting the walls.]

RIMMER: [to the scutters] That's it.  Smooth and even.  Up and down.

[LISTER walks out of his quarters.]

RIMMER: Ah, Lister.  Bonnen Maitenon.  Didn't wake you, I trust?

LISTER: No, I haven't been to bed yet.

RIMMER: But it's five past five in the morning.  It's practically
  lunchtime.

LISTER: [looking at the scutters] What are you doing?

RIMMER: It's called "work", Lister.  I didn't think you'd recognize it.
  W-O-R-K.  It is in the dictionary. [to the scutters] Come on, paint!
  Paint, paint, paint!

LISTER: But why are they painting the color the same color it was
  before?

RIMMER: They're changing it from Ocean Gray to Military Gray. Something
  that should've been done a long time ago.

LISTER: Looks exactly the same to me.

RIMMER: No, no, no, no. [points to a section of a wall] That's the new
  Military Gray bit there.... [points to an identical section of wall]
  and that's the dowdy, old, nasty Ocean Gray bit there.  Or is it the
  other way around?

LISTER: It doesn't matter, Rimmer.  It looks very nice.  So how's Mrs.
  Rimmer?

RIMMER: [sneering] Tee hee, hoddle, ha.  Why don't you just get back
  into your cesspit or you won't have the energy for a full day's slob.

LISTER: I just wondered what you talked about and that, you know.

RIMMER: Millions of things, Lister.  Apart from being a complete genius,
  that man happens to be a total delight.  Has me in stitches all the
  time.

LISTER: What?  I mean, he knows everything you know and you know
  everything he knows.  So what do you talk about?

RIMMER: We reminisce, chew over old times, past glories, old
  girlfriends.

LISTER: Oh, you mean Yvonne MacGruder?

RIMMER: Don't say Yvonne MacGruder as if she's the only one.

LISTER: Oh, go on, then.  Name one other girlfriend, then.

RIMMER: Lister, I'm far, far, far, far, far too much of a gentleman to
  stoop to that kind of showerroom mentality. All you need to know about
  Yvonne MacGruder is: I gave her one! [makes a fist and punches his arm
  into the air, grabbing his bicep with his other hand, in the age-old
  boinking gesture]

LISTER: Fine, Rimmer, that's nice.  Very nice.  Very, very nice.  So,
  um, what's "gazpacho soup"?

RIMMER: [dumbstruck] What?

LISTER: It's just that they were your last words and I wondered why.

RIMMER: You've been watching my death video, haven't you?! That's
  private!  It's for my enjoyment only!

LISTER: It just seemed like such a strange thing to say. "Gazpacho
  soup."

RIMMER: Well, I'm sorry I didn't have time to bash out a speech in
  iambic pentameter.  I was hit in the face by an atomic explosion.

LISTER: But why "gazpacho soup"?

RIMMER: That, Lister, is something that you will never ever know.

HOLLY: Arnold, you asked me to remind you when it was time for your
  Esperanto revision.

RIMMER: Thank you, Holly. [to the scutters] You two, carry on.




[SCENE: Rimmer's Quarters.  LISTER sneaks in.  No sign of the Rimmers.
LISTER goes over to the bookshelf on the desk.]

LISTER: [pulling a large book from the shelf] "A to Z of Red Dwarf!" Ha,
  ha, ha-ha! [opens the book and finds a smaller book hidden in a hole
  cut into the book] I thought so!

[LISTER puts the dictionary back and reads the small book.]

LISTER: "My Diary, by Arnold J. Rimmer.  January the first: I have
  decided to keep a journal of my thougts and deeds over the coming
  year, a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command,
  so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek
  enlightenment through these pages.  It is my fond hope that, one day,
  this journal will take its place alongside `Napolean's War Diaries'
  and `The Memories of Julius Caesar'."  Next entry.... [flips ahead]
  "July the seventeenth: Auntie Maggie's Birthday." [flips ahead]
  "November the twenty-fifth: Gazpacho Soup day!"  That's six weeks
  before the crew got wiped out.

[The closet door opens and the CAT climbs out.]

CAT: Heh.  You won't find that one.  Not until he changes his boots.
  [sees LISTER] OH! [holds a hand up to hide his face and he heads for
  the door]  Did you see him clearly?  Could you spot him in a parade? I
  don't think so.  That could've been anybody. [leaves]




[SCENE: Lister's Quarters.  LISTER is blowing a large bubble with bubble
gum.  Once he's satisfied, he holds up a spanner and ruler to measure
it, then pulls the gum out his mouth with the bubble intact and still
attached.]

LISTER: Ten and three-quarter centimeters!  Plus five for not breaking
  and that is a big, big score!  The Brown's going to have to do
  something quite sensational with their last bubble.  Quite clearly.
  [puts new gum in his mouth]

HOLLY: Busy, Dave?

[LISTER spits his gum across the room in surprise.]

LISTER: Well, yeah, I am, actually!

HOLLY: Oh.  Then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed
  fighters that are tracking us.

LISTER: What?!

HOLLY: I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate.

LISTER: No, Holly.  Hol.  Come on.

HOLLY: They're from Earth.

LISTER: That's three million years away.

HOLLY: They're from the NorWEB Federation.

LISTER: What's that?

HOLLY: NorthWestern Electricity Board.  They want you, Dave.

LISTER: Me?  Why?  What for?

HOLLY: For your crimes against humanity.

LISTER: You what?!

HOLLY: Seems when you left Earth, three million years ago, you left two
  half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen.

LISTER: Did I?

HOLLY: You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three
  million years?

LISTER: Yeah, they go all mouldy.

HOLLY: Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's
  surface.  Also, you left seven pounds, fifteen pence in your bank
  account.  Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the
  world's wealth.  And because you hoarded it for three million years,
  nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB.

LISTER: Why NorWEB?

HOLLY: You left a light on in the bathroom.  I've got a final demand
  here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds.

LISTER: A hundred and eighty billion pounds?!!  You're kidding!

HOLLY: [wearing a Grouch-Marx glasses-nose-and-moustache] April Fool.

LISTER: But it's not April.

HOLLY: Yeah, I know.  But I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot
  jape like that underneath me hat.

LISTER: So you just made it all up, then?

HOLLY: Yeah.  Bit of excitement for a while, wasn't it?  You can't beat
  a good wheeze.  Huhuhu!

LISTER: I don't need a good wheeze.  You can do your own excitement for
  yourself.

HOLLY: No, you can't.  You haven't got a clue.  You're useless.

LISTER: [hearing the two Rimmers through the wall] Shhhhh!

RIMMER #2: [through the wall] ....shut up!

RIMMER: [through the wall] I make you vomit?

LISTER: [to HOLLY] What's that?

RIMMER #2: [through the wall] Keep your voice down!




[SCENE: Rimmers' Quarters.  RIMMER #2 is in bed.  RIMMER stand facing
him.]

RIMMER: [hurt] I'm not gonna stand here and take this abuse.

RIMMER #2: [sneering] Oh, yes, when the going gets tough, the tough go
  and have a little cry in the corner.  You got a sponge for a backbone!
  No wonder father hated you!

RIMMER: That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!

RIMMER #2: Then why didn't he send you to the academy?

RIMMER: He couldn't afford it!

RIMMER #2: Oh!  He sent all our brothers!

RIMMER: You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!

RIMMER #2: Face facts, man, nobody likes you!  Not even Mummy!

RIMMER: [almost crying] Mummy _did_ like me!  Mummy was just busy.  She
  had a lot of meetings to go to.

RIMMER #2: Twattle!

RIMMER: You better watch what you say about my mummy!  I'm a grown man
  and I'm not going to accept it.

RIMMER #2: [shouting] Oh, grow up, Mr. Gazpacho!!

RIMMER: [quietly] Mister what?

RIMMER #2: [shouting] I... SAID... MISTER... GAZ... PAAAACHO, DEAFIE!!!

RIMMER: [crying] That is the most obscenely, hurtful thing...

RIMMER #2: [shouting] GOOD!




[SCENE: Lister's Quarters.  LISTER is standing at the door, trying to
listen to the Rimmers.]

RIMMER: [from his quarters] That is the straw that broke the dromedary,
  that is.  You're finished, Rimmer.

RIMMER #2: [snarling from his quarters] No, YOU'RE finished, Rimmer!

[LISTER sees RIMMER leave his own quarters.  LISTER runs back to the top
bunk and pretends he was reading a book.  RIMMER walks in sadly.]

RIMMER: Ah, Lister... um, how are you?

LISTER: Oh, tickety-boo.  What d'ya want?

RIMMER: I don't suppose you've managed to get that Blu-Tac together for
  me, have you?

LISTER: Rimmer, it's three A.M.!

RIMMER: It doesn't matter.  It can wait til the morning. [heads for the
  bottom bunk]  I'm just gonna sleep here, okay?  So, when you're ready.

LISTER: Everything alright, is it?

RIMMER: Sure!  Absolutely.  Yeah, sure.

LISTER: No problems, then?

RIMMER: No!  No, no.  Things couldn't be hunk-dorier.

LISTER: It's just, I thought I heard, you know, um, raised voices?

RIMMER: Heh.  It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it?  Having a... a
  blazing row with yourself.

RIMMER #2: [shouting in Rimmer's Quarters]  HIT THE WALL!  YEAH, HIT THE
  WALL! YEAH!  YEAH!  YEAH!

[We see RIMMER #2 is directing the scutters to hit the adjoining wall
for him.]

RIMMER #2: [shouting through the wall] CAN YOU SHUT UP, RIMMER?!  SOME
  OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!

RIMMER: [to LISTER] Obviously, we have professional disagreements.  But,
  I mean, nothing with any side to it.  Nothing malicious.

RIMMER #2: [shouting through the wall] SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!

RIMMER: [getting up] Excuse me a second, Lister, will you? [walks calmly
  to the door] STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED
  RECTUM!!! [turns back] Lister, there's no point in concealing it
  anymore.  Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff.  Nothing major.
  But it goes without saying, IT WAS HIS FAULT!




[SCENE: The Movie Theatre.  The CAT and LISTER are sitting together.
LISTER has a cigarette, popcorn, a soda, and other mystery foods.]

ANNOUNCER: [on the screen] Fired from Earth?  Deep into the heart of the
  Solar System?  And you fancy a curry?  Then why not drop in at the
  Titan Taj Mahal Indian Restaurant!  Enjoy the finest Tandori Cuisine
  at one-fifth gravity!  Just a short space-walk from this cinema!

CAT: [to LISTER] Shut up!

LISTER: Look, will you stop doing that?

CAT: I'm trying to watch the film!

LISTER: I'm only eatin'!

CAT: No.  Eatin's when the food goes in your mouth!

RIMMER: [walking in] Morning.

LISTER: Yeah.

RIMMER: [sitting beside LISTER] What's on?

LISTER: Orson Welles.  "Citizen Kane".

RIMMER: Uh, there's no smoking on this side.  You should be sitting over
  there.

LISTER: Nobody's complaining.

RIMMER: Yes, they are!  I am.  So would you kindly movely the proper
  designated smoking area for the convenience of other patrons?

[LISTER blows smoke in RIMMER's face.]

LISTER: I thought you hate films, don't you?

RIMMER: No, it's for the film course at night school.  "Citizen Kane",
  hmmm?  That's Orson Welles, is it?

[We see that the film is a cartoon with a large cat firing a machine
gun.]

RIMMER: Ah, that's "Citizen Kane", alright!  Unmistakable.

LISTER: Why are you here?  Where's your wife?

RIMMER: Don't ask me.  He's nothing to do with me, anymore.  Last time I
  saw him, he was redoing my paint work.  Changing it from Military Gray
  back to Ocean Gray.  He's quite, quite mad!

RIMMER #2: [walking in] Lister.  Cat. [sits directly in front of RIMMER]

RIMMER: [to RIMMER #2] Excuse me, I can't see.

RIMMER #2: [to RIMMER] Shhh.

RIMMER: [to RIMMER #2] Excuse me, I can't see through the back of your
  stupid, curly-haired, sticky-out-eared head.

LISTER: I'm trying to watch the film!

CAT: Yeah!

RIMMER: [to RIMMER #2] Move!

RIMMER #2: Look, I just happened to choose a seat at random.  If you're
  unhappy with your seat, I suggest you move.

RIMMER: Right. [stands up] Now, where shall I sit?  Over here or over
  there?  Ummmm... no, that's a nice seat! [sits directly in front of
  RIMMER #2]

RIMMER #2: Look at this, Mr. Maturity. [stands up and sits in front of
  RIMMER in the front row]

LISTER: Will you two guys just grow up?

RIMMER: Two?  I think there's just one immature person around here and
  we all know who it is.

[RIMMER and RIMMER #2 point at each other.]

[A shadow of a RIMMER #2's hand as a shadow puppet comes up on the
screen.]

RIMMER #2: [as the shadow puppet] Hello.  What do you think of Arnold
  Rimmer?  Phbbbttt!  Phbbbttt!  Phbbbttt!  Phbbbttt!  Phbbbttt!

LISTER: [standing up] This can't go on.  One of you's is gotta go.

RIMMER and RIMMER #2: [pointing at each other] Yes, him.

RIMMER #2: Look, it's crystal smegging clear which one of us has gotta
  go.

RIMMER: Yes, you!  Look, I was here first.  I nursed Listie through
  those early, delicate days!

RIMMER #2: Look, we are identical.  We're exactly the same person. Only
  you're mentally unstable.

LISTER: [pointing rhythmically between the two Rimmers as in one-potato,
  two-potato] Ippy-dippy, my spaceshippy, on a course so true, past
  Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you. [ends on RIMMER]

RIMMER #2: Excellent!  Excellent decision, Listie!  Turn him off.

RIMMER: And the one you end on is the one who stays, yes?

LISTER: [firmly to RIMMER] It's you, Rimmer.

RIMMER: Wait a minute.  Just wait a minute.  Hold your horses.  Hang on.

LISTER: It's your own fault, Rimmer.  If you'd've given me Kochanski's
  hologram, none of this would've happened.  You made the bed, you lie
  in it.  Drive Room.  Ten minutes.

RIMMER #2: Drive Room.  Five minutes.

RIMMER: I don't believe it.  I've been ippy-dippied to death.




[SCENE: The Drive Room.  LISTER, the CAT, and RIMMER #2 are in the Drive
Room.]

LISTER: [to RIMMER #2] I want you out.

RIMMER #2: What have I said?

LISTER: Just out!

RIMMER #2: There's precious little entertainment on this ship.  I mean,
  if you can't attend the odd execution, what have you got left?

LISTER: Out!  Go on!

[As RIMMER #2 leaves, he passes RIMMER who is in full dress uniform.]

RIMMER #2: [to RIMMER] Phbbbttt!!!!  Don't forget to write, ya great
  nancy! [leaves]

RIMMER: Lister.

LISTER: Fancy a drink? [notices the four medals on RIMMER's jacket]
  Ooooh!  I didn't know you had any medals!  What are they?

RIMMER: [pointing to each one]  Three Year Long Service, Six Years Long
  Service, Nine Years Long Service, [pausing to remember] ....Twelve
  Years Long Service.

LISTER: Come on, just one drink.

RIMMER: I'll have a whiskey.

LISTER: Holly, give 'em a whiskey.

HOLLY: How would you like it?

RIMMER: Straight.  With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon.
  [RIMMER flinches as he experiences the invisible drink]

LISTER: Another? [RIMMER nods.  He flinches.]

RIMMER: And another. [flinches] And another.  Make it a double.
  [flinches]

LISTER: [sitting] So, um, what's all this gazpacho soup business?
  What's it all about?

RIMMER: I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you.  Gazpacho soup.  It
  was the greatest night of my life.  I'd been invited to the Captain's
  Table. [LISTER raises his eyebrows.] I'd only been with the company
  fourteen years. [agonized] Six officers and me!  They called me
  "Arnold". We had gazpacho soup for starters.  I didn't know gazpacho
  soup was meant to be served cold.  I called over the chef and I told
  him to take it away and bring it back hot.  He did!  The looks on
  their faces still haunt me today!! [crying] I thought they were
  laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing at me as I
  ate my piping hot gazpacho soup!  I never ate at the Captain's Table
  again.  That was the end of my career.

LISTER: Oh, come on.  Anyone could've made that mistake.

RIMMER: If only they'd've mentioned it in Basic Training!  Instead of
  climbing up and down ropes and crawling on your elbows through
  tunnels. [shouting] If only, just once, they'd said, "Gazpacho soup is
  served cold!" I could've been an admiral by now! [quietly] Instead of
  a nothing which is what I am, let's face it.

LISTER: Aw, come one.  You're not a nothing.

CAT: He is.

RIMMER: [to the CAT] You're right!

CAT: I know I'm right.

RIMMER: I never got off the bottom rung.  And do you know why?  Because
  I didn't have the right nobby parents.  I bet Todhunter was fed
  gazpacho soup the moment he was on solids.  No, I bet he was
  breast-fed with it. [gesturing to where breasts would be (and were in
  "Balance of Power")] One side gazpacho soup and the other side freely
  dispensing chilled champagne!  Phbbbbttttt.....!

CAT: Is this gonna go on all day?  I thought he was gonna get wiped!

RIMMER: Yes, go on.  Turn me off.  Go on.  Turn me off.  Get rid of me.

LISTER: I've already done it.  I wiped the other one. [grins]

RIMMER: What?!  You wiped...  When??!!

LISTER: When you came in.

RIMMER: And you let me stand here and bare my soul?

LISTER: Yeah.  You see, I wanted to find out about gazpacho soup and I
  knew you wouldn't tell me.

RIMMER: Well, of course, I wouldn't tell you.  You'd make my life a hell
  with gazpacho soup jokes for the rest of my life!

LISTER: [standing] Rimmer.  I promise, I _swear_ I will never, ever
  mention this conversation again.  And when I swear, I mean it.

RIMMER: You promise?

LISTER: I promise. [crosses himself and makes a Boy Scout salute]

RIMMER: Do you swear absolutely?

LISTER: I swear absolutely that I promise that I will never mention
  gazpacho soup again! [again crosses himself and makes a Boy Scout
  salute]

RIMMER: Alright.  You're a bit of a slob, Lister, you know, but, when it
  comes down to it, you keep your word.  This time I'm gonna believe
  you.  Let's go for another drink.

[RIMMER, LISTER, and the CAT head out the door.]

LISTER: Souper! [RIMMER glares at him]


                                The End




CREDITS:
                       Arnold J. Rimmer  Chris Barrie
                            Dave Lister  Craig Charles
                                    Cat  Danny John-Jules
                                  Holly  Norman Lovett

                             Written by  Bob Grant
                                         Doug Naylor
                                  Music  Howard Goodall
            Developed for Television by  Paul Jackson Productions
                       Graphic Designer  Mark Allen
                Visual Effects Designer  Peter Wragg
                             Prop Buyer  Mike Fallon
                Assistant Floor Manager  Dona Distefano
                   Production Assistant  Alison Thornber
                           Unit Manager  Mario Dubois
                     Production Manager  George R. Clarke
                       Costume Designer  Jacki Pinks
                       Make-up Designer  Suzanne Jansen
                           Vision Mixer  Jill Dornan
                      Camera Supervisor  Mike Jackson
                 Technical Co-ordinator  Ron Clare
                       Videotape Editor  Ed Wooden
                      Lighting Director  John Pomphrey
                       Sound Supervisor  Tony Worthington
                               Designer  Paul Montague
                     Executive Producer  Paul Jackson
                    Producer & Director  Ed Bye

GUEST CAST:
                                Captain  Mac McDonald

ADDITIONAL CREDITS:
                      Costume Assistant  Lesley Staves
                                  Sound  Alan Machin & Wendy Rath