From: msmith@rheya.lssec.bt.co.uk (Martin Smith)
Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
Organization: BT D&P, London Engineering Centre

                                        
             Red Dwarf Series II Episode 3 - Thanks For The Memory
             -----------------------------------------------------
                                        
                           Opening Narration by Holly

H:    Three million miles from Earth the mining ship Red Dwarf. Its crew: Dave 
      Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his 
      dead bunkmate and a creature who evolved from the ships cat. Message 
      ends 

H:    Additional: supplies are plentiful. We have enough food and drink to 
      last 30,000 years, although we have run out of Shake n' Vac. 

H:    Additional Additional: Last week we found a planet with a breathable 
      atmosphere. 

      
                              The Action Commences 

      We see the surface of a bleak planet with a sun and stars in the 
      background and pan across it to where there appears to be a rock concert 
      in progress. Lister and the Cat are playing and dancing exuberantly. 
      Lister has a guitar and the skutters are playing on keyboards. Rimmer is 
      in a structure labelled 'Hologrammatic Projection Cage' and seems to be 
      enjoying it. 

H:    We're grooving tonight, ahead groove factor five. Yeah! (a disco type 
      light starts flashing under his monitor). 

L:    Hang on everybody, hang on! (Lister stops playing and the music carries 
      on. He goes to take a pan off the fire and turns off the music) The 
      sausages are done. 

H:    It's the business innit? It's nice to get out once in a while, stretch 
      your cables. 

R:    (very slurred) I can't understand it. I've had so much to drink and it 
      hasn't even afflicted me. I'm not in the least bit tiddly. 

L:    Oh yeah? Why are you dancing then? 

C:    Ha! You call that dancing? I've seen people on fire move better than 
      that ? 

H:    We'd better be going. The moons'll be setting in a bit. 

L:    Whoa Whoa! Ok then, a toast. (raises cup) Gentlemen, and skutters, we 
      are gathered here today to celebrate the anniversery of Mr Arnold 
      Rimmer's death. 

R:    (belches and looks ill) Right on baby. 

L:    And for this very special occasion I have baked, a cake. (Lister 
      uncovers the cake. It is covered in icing, with a candle in the middle). 

H:    What's that then? 

L:    It's in the shape of a spanner holly cos he was a technician. 

H:    Well that's very apt that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it 
      in the shape of an envelope I suppose? 

L:    Yeah! 

H:    Gordon Bennett! It's lucky he's not a gynaecologist. 

L:    To Rimmer (raises cup at arms length) 

R:    To me! 

      Rimmer mimes drinking a glass of something and appears to get a kick 
      from it. They all start singing. Rimmer is a bit unsure of the words, 
      probably due to his state of inebriation. 

All:  Happy deathday to you. Happy deathday to you. Happy deathday dear 
      Rimmer. Happy deathday to you! 

      Back in one of the space buggies, Lister is trying to get it moving. 

All:  (singing) Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I want to go to bed 
      ... 

      We see them from the outside flying off into space towards Red Dwarf. 

R:    Are you sure you're alright to drive this? 

L:    Yeah. (suddenly slips into reverse) Oops. 

All:  ... I had a little drink about an hour ago to celebrate Rimmer's death. 
      (breakdown into laughter). 

      The crew is now back on Red Dwarf. Rimmer is sprawled out on his bunk 
      and Lister is doing a jigsaw. 

L:    What time is it ? 

      Rimmer crawls unsteadily to the clock and peers at it blearily. He is 
      clearly suffering the awful after effects of drinking. 

R:    Saturday. 

L:    Is that the best you can do? 

R:    There are some numbers next to it but they could be anything. 

L:    Do you know what I fancy right now? 

R:    A big, fat, woman with thighs the size of a hippo's. 

L:    No, I want a triple fried egg butty with chilli sauce and chutney. 

R:    (managing to sit down in a chair) Me too. 

L:    Well no problem then. Nothing's too good for the deathday boy. 

R:    Correct! (punches air) 

H:    Hol, Hol! 

      Holly appears on screen with a nightcap on. 

L:    Hol, give us something to eat. 

H:    You what? I'm jiggered man. 

L:    Oh come on. You don't sleep. 

H:    Course I do. I've got to offline. I can't keep up my full tilt, full 
      power, red hot, maximum pace all the time. I've got to take the odd 
      breather haven't I? 

R:    I want a triple fried egg sandwich with ... 

L:    With chilli sauce and chutney. 

H:    You what? 

L:    It's a state of the art sarny. 

H:    It's the state of the floor I'm worried about. Alright, ok. 

      Rimmer holds up his hand and the much discussed food item appears in it. 

L:    Wow, trust me! 

      Rimmer takes a bite and a succession of expressions are seen on his 
      face. He ends up at something like a mixture of pain, horror and shock. 
      He may be drunk but he's still got pain receptors. 

R:    I feel like I'm having a baby! 

L:    It's good innit? 

R:    It's incredible. Where did you get the recipe from? 

L:    I can't remember. I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.  

R:    It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery. 

L:    (nodding) It's well naughty. The trouble is you've got to eat it before 
      the bread dissolves. 

R:    I could never invent a sandwich like this Lister. You see all the 
      ingredients are wrong. The fried eggs, wrong. The chutney, wrong. The 
      chilli sauce, all wrong. But put them together and somehow it works. It 
      becomes right, it's you. This sandwich, Lister, is you. 

L:    What are you saying to me Rimmer. 

R:    You're wrong right, all your ingredients are wrong. You're slobby. 
      You've got no sense of discipline. You're the only man ever to get his 
      money back from the Odour Eater people. But people like you, don't you 
      see? That's why you're a fried egg, chilli, chutney sandwich. Now me, 
      now me. All the ingredients are right. I'm disciplined. I'm organised. 
      I'm dedicated to my career. I've always got a pen. Result? Total 
      smeghead despised by everyone except the ship's parrot. And that's only 
      because we haven't got one. Why? Why is that? 

L:    I suppose it's because you are a total smeghead. 

R:    But I'm not. I'm a nice guy, I'm a goodie. 

L:    No Rimmer see the trouble is you've never got time for people. You're 
      too busy trying to be successful. It's all midnight revision and up, up, 
      up the ziggurat lickety spit (salutes in a silly way). 

R:    I have got time for people. What about all the time I spent licking up 
      to Todhunter even though he was a total gimp? And Captain Hollister? Mr 
      fat bastard 2044. I went out of my way to simp around him.  

L:    Rimmer that's not having time for people. 

      During the following exchange they speak faster and end up both speaking 
      at the same time until Lister interjects forcefully. 

R:    Do you know how many times in my entire life I made love? 

L:    No, and I don't want to know. 

R:    I want to tell you. 

L:    I don't want to know. 

R:    No, but I want to tell you. 

L:    No, I don't want to know. 

R:    I want to tell you, I'm going, I am going to tell you, I want to tell 
      you. 

L:    (forcefully) Listen, listen Rimmer. If you tell me, right, you'll wake 
      up in the morning. You'll have your hang over and you'll feel like death 
      and you'll walk up to the mirror and you'll look in the mirror and 
      you'll remember and you'll go Ahahahahah!! (sticks his fist in his 
      mouth). See it's not worth it, I don't want to know and believe me you 
      don't want to tell me. 

R:    (holds up one finger) Once. 

L:    Smeg! 

R:    One time only. 

L:    (with ears covered) Don't tell me this Rimmer. You'll want to kill 
      yourself in the morning. 

R:    Yvonne McGruder. A single, brief, liason with the ship's female boxing 
      champion. March the sixteenth. Seven thirty one PM to seven forty three 
      PM. 

L:    Please. 

R:    Twelve minutes 

L:    (losing patience) Please! 

R:    And that includes the time it took to eat the pizza. 

L:    Please Rimmer! 

R:    In my entire life I have spent more time being sick. 

L:    So, I mean, you haven't met the right girl yet. 

R:    (with overdone sarcasm) No, I haven't Lister, I haven't met the right 
      girl and some just might say (wags finger) given the fact that the human 
      race no longer exists, coupled with the fact that I have passed on, some 
      just might say that I'm leaving it a little bit on the late side. 

L:    Well you made a decision didn't you? I mean you chose your career over 
      your personal life. 

R:    Yes I did, I did didn't I? Pearls of wisdom there from Mr fried egg, 
      chilli, chutney, sandwich face. (seriously) Well I'll tell you something 
      Lister, I'll tell you something. I'd trade it all in, all of it. My 
      pips, my long service medals, my swimming certificates, my telescope, my 
      shoe trees. I'd trade everything in to be loved and to have been loved. 

      Lister is still fiddling with the jigsaw but it's obvious that Rimmer's 
      speech has touched a chord. 

R:    (starts singing in a reedy voice in a pathetic kind of way) I'm a little 
      lamb, lost in the wood, maybe I could, really be good, with someone to 
      watch over me. 

      Rimmer goes and lies down on his bunk. Lister watches him. 

R:    That was going to be our song. But I never found anyone to share it 
      with. So now it's just my song. 

L:    (fiddling with jigsaw) Another bit of sky, that's a star. 

      Rimmer starts making high pitched crying type noises, Lister gets up and 
      leaves. 

      Exterior pan of the ship and then cut back to Lister asleep in the top 
      bunk. We descend to see Arnie, in his 'home sweet home' pyjamas, wake 
      up. Rimmer gets up and start doing his exercises to music provided by 
      himself. Suddenly memories of the previous night come flooding back. He 
      sees a picture of him drinking and carries on. He sees himself eating 
      the sandwich and shrugs. He then remembers telling Lister, he stops, 
      raises one finger and sticks his fist in his mouth. He sits back down on 
      the bunk with an anguished look. 

L:    Ah, me foot! I must have gone to sleep on it. Oooh! 

R:    (jumps up) Gah! you were really putting it away last night Lister. You 
      really fell for my joke didn't you? 

L:    Oh God, it's agony. 

R:    Ah that McGruder gag, fancy falling for that eh? (pause) I'll give you 
      my telescope, anything. Please God don't tell anyone. 

      Lister groans and pulls away the blanket. He discovers that his foot is 
      in plaster. They both look shocked. 

L:    Have you done that? 

R:    When did you do that? 

L:    I didn't! I just went to bed and I've woken up with this. 

R:    When did you finish the jigsaw? 

L:    I didn't. 

      Holly comes on screen looking a bit cross. 

H:    Oi. Whose been messing with my star charts! Here I am trying to do the 
      comprehensive, nay definitive, A-Z of the entire universe with street 
      names, post offices and little steeples and everything and some git's 
      been fiddling with it. 

L:    It's not us! 

      The Cat storms in. 

C:    Ok, which one of you chimpanzees did this? 

      Cat puts a foot on the table and points at it. It is also in plaster. 

H:    Look there's a perfectly logical explanation for everything. With the 
      possible exception of little Jimmy Osmond. 

R:    Who? 

L:    Hang on, today's Sunday right? 

R:    So? 

L:    Well, this clock, this clock says Thursday and that clock says Thursday. 

C:    And my foot says get the person who did this to my foot. 

L:    (looks through a book) Four pages have been torn out of my diary. 

      Rimmer snaps his fingers and points around the room. 

R:    Somehow we've lost the last four days. 

C:    Did you look behind the fridge? If you lose something it's nearly always 
      there. 

R:    Aliens! 

L:    What? 

C:    What are you talking about grease stain? 

R:    It's a well documented phenomenon. They kidnap you, give you a mind 
      probe, erase your memory and put you back. 

L:    Ok, aliens came aboard. 

R:    Without question. 

L:    They broke my leg. 

R:    For some reason. 

C:    They broke MY leg. 

R:    Right. 

H:    And then they did a jigsaw. 

R:    Right. 

H:    Well that's cleared that up then. 

R:    Look you're not thinking alien. That's what aliens are, alien. They do 
      alien things, things that are (shrugs) alien. Maybe this is the way they 
      communicate. 

C:    By breaking legs? 

L:    And doing jigsaws? 

R:    Why should they speak the way we do? They're aliens. 

L:    Ok professor, what does it mean? 

R:    Maybe, maybe, ok. Breaking your leg hurts like hell ok? Hell. They do it 
      below the knee, low. Hell-low, gettit?. They do it twice, twice, two. 
      Hell-Low-Two. And jigsaw must mean you. Hello to you. 

C:    I wouldn't like to be around when one of these suckers is making a 
      speech (he limps out). 

L:    Hang on, the black box. Holly the black box will have recorded 
      everything won't it? 

H:    Yeah, hang on I'll fish it out. (his image disappears briefly and 
      reappears) It's gone! It's been half inched. Wait a minute let me think 
      about this. It gives off a signal. We can trace it. 

      Pan past a space buggy, making a funny noise. We go inside to join 
      Rimmer, Lister and the Cat. 

L:    It's the gearbox man. I'm telling you. 

R:    Nothing yet. 

L:    This is impossible, it could be anywhere. It's like trying to find a 
      fart in a jacuzzi. 

R:    Look! Down there on that moon. 

      They stare at the screen and we draw in closer to a bleak landscape. We 
      see Lister and the Cat walking on it. 

L:    Are you getting a picture now? 

R:    Yeah but the quality's terrible. It's like watching Spanish television. 

L:    Oh my God! 

C:    What the hell is that? 

L:    Smegorama! 

      Err Holly, errm start the engines, warm her up. Keep her ticking over 
      yeah? 

R:    Err what is it? 

L:    It's a footprint the size of a surfboard. 

C:    (measuring it out) I don't believe the size of these feet. Can you 
      imagine the problems this guy must have trying to get fashionable shoes? 

L:    I wonder if it's true what they about the size of your feet? I mean, if 
      it is this guy could probably go to a fancy dress party as a petrol 
      pump. 

R:    I think you should come back. 

L:    There's more of them. They lead round this corner. 

R:    So a surfboard foot size monster came aboard, did a jigsaw, drained our 
      memories and broke a couple of legs. So what, forgive and forget is what 
      I say. 

L:    This I don't believe! It's a gravestone. To the memory, (trying to make 
      it out) To the memory of Lise Yates. 

R:    Who's Lise Yates? 

L:    You're not going to believe this but I used to go out with a girl called 
      Lise Yates. It's only shallow, the black box is buried in the grave (he 
      picks it up). 

      Back in the buggy they open the box and remove the recording. 

H:    Right, it's loaded. 

L:    Well play it sam. 

      The words 'Black Box Recording, Jupiter Mining Corporation Ship Red 
      Dwarf' come on screen followed by Holly. 

H:    Nice looking bloke. 

Tape: I don't know whether anyone will ever find this. But if they do and it's 
      you Dave, or you Arnold, don't ever play it. Some things are best left 
      buried. 

L:    Why have you frozen him Hol? 

H:    You heard what he said. Knows what he's talking about that dude. 

L:    Come on Hol, from Saturday night. 

      Holly plays the recording and Rimmer appears telling Lister how many 
      times in his life he's made love. The Cat looks interested. 

R:    Yes, well we all remember this bit. Spin on, spin on, spin on! 

      The recording goes into fast forward. The Cat is disappointed. He 
      signals to Lister behind Rimmer's back. 

C:    (silently) How many? 

L:    (silently, pointing at Rimmer) Him? 

C:    (silently) Yes! 

L:    (silently) No, no. 

      The Cat makes a 'Tell me' kind of gesture. Lister laughs and holds up 
      one finger. So does the Cat and points at Rimmer who is oblivious of the 
      whole thing, he's staring at the screen. 

C:    (silently) Him. (v. loudly) That Many? 

      Lister and the Cat look busy with the controls as Rimmer turns to glare 
      at them. The recording has reached the point where Rimmer is making sad 
      noises, just after his singing and on screen we see Lister leave. We are 
      now in flashback mode. The flashing word REPLAY appears at the top right 
      of the screen. We see Lister walking down a corridor towards camera with 
      the Cat who has a hair net on. 

C:    This better be good. I was sleeping and sleeping's my third favourite 
      thing and you come and wake me up this time of night. 

      They walk into a square room with wall to wall monitors, on which 
      various pictures of Arnie can be seen. A sign on the door reads 'No 
      unauthorised entry'. 

C:    What is this place? 

L:    It's the hologram simulation suite. This is the room that creates 
      Rimmer. 

C:    Have we come to blow this room up? 

L:    Look those are his dreams and everything there (fiddles with controls). 
      Look that's what he's dreaming right at the moment. 

      We see Rimmer in a top hat and dinner jacket carrying a cane and singing 
      the song he sang earlier. We pull back to see he has no trousers on. The 
      watchers laugh. 

L:    I'm going to give Rimmer the best present he will ever get. 

      Lister takes of his hat and puts on a helmet connected to the console by 
      a wire. He starts typing at the console and sees the word LOADING come 
      up on the screen. 

C:    What are you doing with that? 

L:    I'm recording my memory. 

C:    Your entire memory? 

L:    Yeah, everything. Everywhere I've been, everything I've learnt, my 
      entire knowledge. (the words LOADING COMPLETE come up almost instantly) 
      Right, that's it (he takes off the helmet). I'm going to give Rimmer a 
      love affair. I'm going to take eight months out of my memory and I'm 
      going to paste it into his. So everything that's happened to me he's 
      going to think happened to him. 

C:    You're going to give him one of your old girlfriends? 

L:    I'm going to give him Lise Yates. 

      Lister presses more keys and they stare at the screen. Lister covers the 
      Cat's eyes but he takes the hand away. A rather pretty woman is on 
      screen running and laughing. She dives to the ground. 

LY:   God I love you Dave, I love you so much. 

L:    (on memory recording) And I love you Lise. 

L:    A few minor adjustments (presses some keys and the scene replays). 

LY:   God I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. 

L:    (on memory recording) And I love you Lise. 

L:    Change the voice (presses more keys and we see it again). 

LY:   God I love you Rimmer, I love you so much. 

R:    (on memory recording) And I love you Lise.  

L:    And that's it. 

C:    And when he wakes up he'll think all this happened to him? 

L:    Yeah, the whole eight months. 

C:    Man that's a fine present (Lister nods). He was probably only expecting 
      a tie. 

      Lister keeps keying, we see Rimmer asleep and enter his dreams via a 
      heart shaped zoom. He is walking with Lise, drinking from a beer can and 
      smoking. He looks a real slob. Rimmer wakes, looking happy. He goes to 
      sleep again. 

      Some time later Lister hears music, jumps in the air and clicks his 
      heels. He walks into the room to see Rimmer dancing to the music. 

L:    You're in a good mood. 

R:    Why not Listy? When life's so good (He makes A-OK sign and snaps his 
      fingers). 

      Rimmer seems to have changed somehow. He seems more normal and less like 
      the Rimmer we all know. For one thing his shirt is crumpled and 
      unbuttoned. He seems relaxed and confident. 

L:    Why is life so good? (opens beer). 

R:    (lying on bunk) You wouldn't understand Lister, you've never been in 
      love. 

L:    I have! 

R:    Oh, not real love Lister, not like I have. Not fireworks in the sky, 
      from here to eternity, rolling naked on the beach kind of love. Not like 
      me and Lise. 

L:    So who's Lise? (smiles to himself) 

R:    Never you mind Lister. Someone who was absolutely nuts about me, that's 
      all you need to know. 

L:    Fine, if you want to keep it to yourself. 

R:    All I'm saying is, from now on call me Tiger (growls). 

L:    An old girlfriend was she? Tiger. 

R:    (gets up) What a crazy, crazy, year that was. The first three months I 
      was at Saturn Tech doing a maintenance course. Then for absolutely no 
      reason I suddenly moved to Liverpool. I drank too much, I smoked too 
      much, I became a total slob. I met Lise, of course. I even started to 
      eat my own toenail clippings. 

      Behind him Lister is doing this as he speaks. He doesn't notice. 

R:    My tastes in music radically changed. I stopped adoring Mantovani and 
      got into Rastabilly Skank. Crazy! 

L:    Well, you know, you were in love. You go a bit crazy. 

R:    It was weird. I was absolutely nuts about her but yet I started to treat 
      her really badly. 

L:    No you didn't! 

R:    I did! I started to give her some wishy washy twaddle about not wanting 
      to get tied down. 

L:    But you were young! You didn't want to settle down. You wanted to bum 
      around and have a laugh. 

R:    But I hate bumming around and having a laugh. 

L:    But that's what you're like when you're young. 

R:    But I wasn't like that when I was young so why did I say those things? 

L:    But, I mean, she wanted you to have a career (spits out the word 
      career). 

R:    That's what I'd always dreamt of so why did I finish it with her? 

L:    Because, you wanted to play the field. 

R:    That's right I told her I wanted to play the field (wistful look). I 
      told her that. I must have been mad. She was great and she thought I was 
      great.  

L:    (with a strange look) Yeah man you're right. You were mad. 

R:    She was a lover and a friend. 

L:    And beautiful. 

R:    Gorgeous. 

L:    Great sense of humour. 

R:    Terrific. 

L:    The sex was fantastic. 

R:    Amazing sex. 

L:    Brilliant sex. 

R:    Oh primo dynamite sex! 

L:    Fantastic sex, stupendous sex! 

R:    Lister! 

L:    The way she used to Oh ... 

R:    Lister! 

L:    Oh sex, brilliant sex. 

R:    Lister, Lister, how do you know? 

L:    I'm just having a guess. 

      Back in the buggy, we come out of flashback. The crew are watching the 
      recording. 

R:    (on the tape) Kindly don't. No one will ever know how beautiful the 
      relationship between me and Lise Yates was. 

R:    How could you do this to me? It's the most heart breakingly tragic thing 
      it's ever been my misfortune to witness. 

C:    Popcorn? (offers it to Rimmer who declines, Lister takes some) 

L:    Look, I'm sorry man. I mean obviously I thought I was doing you a 
      favour. 

H:    (appearing on a monitor) What's all this got to do with jigsaws, broken 
      legs and Godzilla size footprints eh? (Lister shakes his head) 

      We go into flashback again. The word REPLAY appears on screen as it did 
      last time. On the recording we see Rimmer striding angrily down a 
      corridor punching the air. He walks into the room where Lister is again 
      working on the jigsaw. 

R:    Right, smeg brain, prepare to die! 

L:    Eh? 

R:    I found the letters. 

L:    What letters? 

R:    Don't give me 'What letters?', the letters. 

L:    What letters? 

R:    You went out with Lise Yates too, I found the letters she sent you. 

L:    Oh smeg! 

R:    All the time she was going out with me she must have been seeing you as 
      well, behind my back. And what is more, to pour salt into the wound, you 
      used to take her to the exact same places I used to take her and do the 
      exact same things. 

L:    Rimmer, it's not what it looks like. 

R:    That woman is unbelievable. We spent a night in a hotel in Southport and 
      made love six times. According to her letter you were in the exact same 
      hotel and you made love six times too.  

L:    Listen. 

R:    Twelve times a night? What is wrong with the woman? She's sex mad! 

L:    Listen! 

R:    It's a good job you were there. If I'd been on my own I'd have been dead 
      within a week. But it doesn't make sense, I mean, she loved me. 

L:    Listen, listen. She wasn't going out with us both at the same time. 

R:    Come on, I've checked the dates. 

L:    She wasn't going out with you at all. 

R:    She (stops). She didn't go out with me at all? 

L:    No, you've never even met her. 

R:    Is that the best you can do Lister? That's below feeble. 

L:    I went down to the hologram simulation suite and I gave you eight months 
      of my memory. 

R:    What? 

L:    It was a present. 

R:    You gave me eight months of your memory, as a present? 

L:    (nodding) Yeah. 

R:    That's why I was an orphan, even though my parents were alive. That's 
      why I had my appendix out, twice. 

L:    I thought it was what you needed. 

R:    You've destroyed me Lister. The woman I loved most in the whole world 
      didn't love me, she loved you. 

L:    Rimmer, listen. (Rimmer leaves silently) Rimmer, listen, Rimmer! Oh 
      Smeg! (he goes to sit down at the jigsaw looking upset) 

C:    You should have bought him a tie. 

      Rimmer is standing alone in the observation dome, staring into space. 
      Lister climbs the stairs to join him. 

L:    Come on Rimmer, you've experienced love. It made you more confident, 
      more secure. 

R:    It didn't happen. I never even met her. 

L:    It did happen. I mean you fell in love with her in a way I never did. 
      She's yours now and nothing can take her away from you. 

R:    That time she stuck her tongue down my ear. It wasn't my ear at all it 
      was your ear. The woman I loved most in the whole world had her tongue 
      down your ear. The most romantic thing I've ever had down my ear is a 
      Johnson's baby bud. 

L:    Come on, as far as you're concerned you had a love affair, right, which 
      was wonderful, yeah? And for some reason that you can't understand it 
      all went hideously wrong. Well so what, join the club bucko. It's just 
      you me and everybody else in the world. 

R:    I don't want to feel like this any more. 

L:    So, so you're in pain yeah? I know but Rimmer, if you go through life 
      without feeling, if you go through life never experiencing, you're no 
      better than a jellyfish. No better than a bank manager. 

R:    I don't want this feeling any more. I want my own memory back. 

L:    Ok, Ok, Ok. I'll erase the last four days. The incident will never have 
      happened. 

R:    But you'll know about it! 

L:    Well I'll erase my memory from Sunday too. 

R:    And the Cat's and Holly's. 

L:    Fine, if they agree. 

R:    And what about the black box. 

L:    (sighs) I'll destroy it. 

R:    It's indestructible. 

L:    Ok I'll shoot it off into space. 

R:    Someone might find it. 

L:    Ok, ok. We'll bury it. We'll bury it on some planet yeah? 

      The same bleak landscape as before appears before us. We see the black 
      box buried in its shallow grave. Rimmer is watching as Lister and the 
      Cat carry a large slab. 

L:    I'm going to drop it, I'm going to drop it! Put it down man, put it 
      down! (they drop the stone heavily) 

C:    Why does he want a grave stone? 

L:    He said he just wanted something somewhere. So it didnt, like, 
      disappear. 

      They pick up the stone again and carry it on a bit. The crater it left 
      behind looks rather like a footprint. After a short time they drop it 
      again and this time it lands on their feet. 

L:    Aaaagggghh! My foot! I've broken my foot! It's broken! 

C:    Help me find my toes. 

      The buggy is on screen again, jetting back to Red Dwarf. We are still in 
      flashback. Rimmer is lying on the bunk. Lister and the Cat enter. Lister 
      looks tired. 

L:    Ok, that's it. (he picks up his diary and tears out some pages) Let's go 
      and erase our memories. 

      They all troop out, or limp out in some cases. Lister stops and puts the 
      final piece into the jigsaw. The picture is of Red Dwarf in space. We 
      zoom into it. 

      
                                    Credits:
                                        
                              Rimmer: Chris Barrie
                             Lister: Craig Charles
                             Cat: Danny John-Jules
                              Holly: Norman Lovett
                                        
                                     with:
                                        
                           Lise Yates: Sabra Williams
                                        
                     Written By: Rob Grant and Doug Naylor
                             Music: Howard Goodall
                          Graphic Designer: Mark Allen
                           Unit Manager: Kelvin Jones
                          Associate Producer: Ann Zahl
                           OB Lighting: David Parker
                         Vision Supervisor: John Battye
                      Technical Coordinator: Andrew Cowley
                        Camera Supervisor: Melvyn Cross
                           Vision Mixer: Jill Dornan
                            Prop Buyer: Mike Fallon
                      Visual Effects Designer: Peter Wragg
                          Videotape Editor: Ed Wooden
                Production Team: Helen Campbell and Kate Preston
                    Assistant Floor Manager: Dona DiStefano
                      Production Assistant: Anna Staniland
                         Production Manager: Mike Agnew
                         Costume Designer: Jacki Pinks
                         Make-Up Designer: Bethan Jones
                       Sound Supervisor: Tony Worthington
                        Lighting Director: John Pomfrey
                            Designer: Paul Montague
                        Executive Producer: Paul Jackson
                        Produced and Directed By: Ed Bye
                                        
Notes and Trivia: 

This is one of my favourite episodes. I like the way Rimmer interprets all the 
clues to the 'aliens' and it all gets explained at the end, totally 
differently. 

I understand how Rimmer's memory could be erased, he's a hologram. Holly could 
probably have it done too, but what about Lister and Cat? 

Suppose Lister had got Holly to manufacture a similar fake incident and feed 
it to Rimmer a la Virtual Reality. How should Rimmer then have felt? What if 
he never found out? What if I have another drink? That's more like it! 

This episode, along with 'Kryten' and 'Better Than Life' is on BBC Video BBCV 
4749. 

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Martin Smith          | 'You've got a magic carpet for three people to fly to 
msmith@lssec.bt.co.uk | the King of the Potato People to plead your case and
BT D&P London         | you're trying to tell me you're sane?' - A.J. Rimmer
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