Subject: 'The End' script
From: alien@acheron.amigans.gen.nz (Ross Smith)

Here's my transcription of the very first episode, 'The End'.

BTW, I may have lost the odd line or two at the start or on either side
of commercial breaks; back then I had a new VCR and hadn't quite got the
hang of it yet :-) If anyone spots anything missing, let me know.

[Apologies if you get this twice; my net link has been playing up and I'm
pretty sure a batch of news got trashed, so I'm posting it again.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


                    RED DWARF -- EPISODE 1 -- `THE END'


Characters
   C:  Cat
   CH:  Captain Hollister
   FT:  Frank Todhunter
   H:  Holly
   KK:  Kristine Kochanski
   L:  Lister
   R:  Rimmer


[A corridor in the ship.  Grey walls, machinery here and there, you know
the drill.  Rimmer is carrying a clipboard; behind him comes Lister,
pushing a trolley full of tools and spare parts.]

L sings: To gannymede and titan, yes sir I've been around....

R: Have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?

R:  Just shut up and push the trolley.

L:  [Mock salute] Yes, Sir, Rimmer!

[They approach a food dispenser.]

R:  Right, corridor 159.

[Lister begins humming.]

R:  Lister, shut up!

L:  I'm only humming.

R:  Well don't.

[Lister stops humming and continues the tune by holding his mouth open and
slapping his cheeks.]

R:  Lister, don't hum and don't make any stupid sounds with your cheeks.

[Lister stops slapping his cheeks and continues the tune by making clicking
sounds in his throat.]

R:  Lister, one more sound, anything, and you're on report, my laddo.  What
job number's this?

[Lister mimes talking without making a sound.]

R:  Right, that's it.  [Begins writing on his clipboard.] Lister, D, Third
Technician.  Offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming,
clicking, and being quiet.  When the Captain sees this you're dead.

L:  Rimmer, I'm bored!

R:  Bored?  This is essential routine maintenance!  It's absolutely vital
for the well-being of this crew, this mission, and this ship.  [Checks his
clipboard.] Dispenser 172.  Chicken soup nozzle clogged.  Pass me a 14-B,
Lister.

[Lister hands him a small white tube.]

R:  Lister, is this a 14-B?  Does it look even remotely like a 14-B?
[Reaches into the parts trolley and pulls out another small white tube,
indistinguishable from the first.] *This* is a 14-B, Lister.  This [the
original] is a 14-F.  Are you blind?

L:  Who cares?

R:  *I* care, Lister!  [Looks at them, realises he can't tell the
difference either, quickly picks one (actually his one) at random and
returns it to the trolley.] It's my career, Lister.  I'm the one who gets
it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and gets
black currant cordial with blancmange and two creams and a sugar.  [As he
says this he installs the 14-something in the dispenser unit.] Chicken
soup.

[The machine hums and dispenses a cup of something.  Rimmer takes a sip of
it, grimaces in disgust, and spits it out.]

R:  Yep.  That's working.

L:  It's stupid anyway, all this maintenance business.  The only reason
they don't give this job to the service robots is they've got a better
union than us.  [He picks up the cup of soup.  His reaction is the same as
Rimmer's, but he drinks the rest of it anyway.  They move off.]

R:  Lister, that is absolute nonsense.  [Checks his clipboard.] Botanical
gardens, faulty pourer circuit, and corridor 147, sticking door.

L:  It's true, though, you know, Rimmer.  You rank below all four of those
service robots.  Even the one that's gone absolutely mad.

R:  Well, Lister, not for long, matey.  Up, up, up, that's where I'm going.

L:  Not until you pass your engineer's exam.  And you won't do that,
because you'll just go in there and flunk again.

R:  Lister, last time I only failed by the narrowest of narrow margins.

L:  You what?  You walked in there, wrote `I am a fish' four hundred times,
did a funny little dance, and fainted.

R:  That's a total lie.

L:  No, it's not.  Petersen told me.

R:  `No, it's not.  Petersen told me.' Lister, if you must know, what I did
was, I wrote a discourse on pourer circuits which was simply too radical,
too unconventional, too mould-breaking for the examiners to accept.

L:  Yeah.  You said you were a fish.

R:  Is that a cigarette you're smoking, Lister?

L:  No.  It's a chicken.

R:  Right!  You're on report.  Two times in as many minutes, Lister, I
don't know.

[Another crew member (Frank Todhunter) walks up to them.]

FT:  Rimmer, Lister.

R:  Yes, sir.  [Stands to attention and salutes.]

L:  Yo, Todhunter, get down!

FT:  Indeed.  Now, Rimmer, I'm just going through MacIntyre's artifacts,
and I see that you've filed 247 complaints against Lister.

R:  [Looking proud of himself.] Yes, sir.

FT:  That's 123 counts of insulting a superior technician, 39 counts of
dereliction of duty, 84 counts of general insubordination, and one count of
mutiny.

R:  Yes, sir.

FT:  Mutiny, Lister?

L:  I stood on his toe.

R:  Maliciously, and with intent to wound.

L:  It was an accident!

R:  Lister, I put it to you, how is it possible to stand on one small toe
by accident?  You didn't stand on my toe at all, you stood on my entire
foot, thereby obstructing a superior technician in pursuit of vital duty.

L:  But the vital duty was him going to snap my guitar in half!

R:  Whereupon you leapt from the top bunk onto the whole of my right foot.

FT:  All right, that's enough.

R:  [Ignoring him.] Had there been a crisis situation, Lister, I would have
had to perform my duties hopping, clearly putting the ship at risk, clearly
therefore mutiny.

FT:  Finished?

R:  [Still ignoring him.] However, I'm not a vindictive man, so I don't
intend to apply for the death penalty.

FT:  There are 169 people on this ship.  You, Rimmer, are over one man.
Why can't you two get on?

L:  You see, I try, sir.  I'm not an insubordinate man by nature.  I try
and respect Rimmer and everything, but it's not easy, 'cause he's such a
smeghead.

R:  Did you hear that, sir?  Lister, do you have any conception of the
penalty for describing a superior technician as a smeghead?

FT:  Oh, Rimmer.  [Claps him on the shoulder.] You *are* a smeghead.

[Todhunter leaves them.  Lister is cracking up with laughter.]

R:  You heard that, Lister.  Todhunter, with respect, sir, your career's
finished, you big lig!

                                 * * * * *

[After a quick shot of the ship from outside, we cut to Lister and Rimmer's
cabin.  Rimmer is sitting on the bottom bunk writing on his arm.  Lister
reaches down from the top bunk to pick up his guitar.]

R:  You touch that guitar, Lister, I'll remove the E string and garrotte
you with it.

L:  Can I do anything?  Is it OK if I breathe?  Can I breathe?  [He does
so, into Rimmer's face.]

R:  Lister, I have an exam tomorrow, which I intend to pass.

L:  I know, yeah.  By cheating.

R:  This is not cheating!  [Holds up his arm, with mathematical-looking
stuff written all over it.] It's merely an aid to memory.  Helps me marshal
the facts already in my command.

L:  What does?  Copying the entire textbooks onto your body?  Why don't you
hand your body in and let them mark that?

R:  Lister, do you think it's easy for someone like me to become an
officer?  Someone who wasn't Academy educated?  Someone who didn't have the
right nobby background?  Someone who didn't have the right parents?

L:  You didn't have the right parents?  Whose parents did you have?

R:  *My* parents.  The wrong parents.

L:  I'm just saying, you know, if you can't pass fair and square, why
bother?

R:  Well, you would, Lister, because you've got no ambition, no drive.
You're perfectly content to be the lowest rank on this ship.

L:  I'm not the lowest rank on this ship.  What about the laboratory mice?
I tell those mice to do something, they've got to jump to it.  [Squeaky
voice.] `Yes, sir, Mr Lister, sir!  Eee, eee, eee, eee...'

R:  Lister, you are a nothing.

L:  I'm not a nothing!  I've got me plan.

R:  What's that, the plan to be the slobbiest entity in the entire
universe?

L:  No.  Me five year plan.  You see, I;m going to do two more trips, and
I've been saving up all me pay--

R:  Since when?

L:  Since always.  That's why I never buy any soap or deodorant or socks or
anything like that, you know.  Anyway, I'm going to buy meself a little
farm on Fiji, and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses.

R:  With a sheep and a cow?

L:  No, with horses and horses.

R:  On Fiji?

L:  Yeah, the prices there are unbelievable.

R:  Yes, because they had a volcanic eruption and now most of Fiji's three
feet below sea level!

L:  It's only three feet.  They can wade.  That's why the animals are going
to have to be quite tall.

R:  Nice plan, Lister.  Excellent plan!  Brilliant plan, Lister!  What
about the sheep?  What are you going to do, buy them water-wings?  Better
still, you could cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton.
[Gestures with his pen to represent a woolly dolphin leaping out of the
water.] Baa, splash, baa, splash.

L:  You can get a drainage grant these days.

R:  Why bother, Lister?  You could be the first man to produce wet-look
knitwear.

L:  Look, this is why I never ever said anything to you, 'cause I knew
you'd say something like this.

R:  Lister, you've got the brain of a cheese sandwich.  [Mimes swimming and
puts on a Mummerset voice.] `Mornin', Farmer Lister, I'm just poppin' down
to the shops in my submarine.  Can I buy you anything?'

[There's a honking sound, and Holly's face appears on a monitor.]

H:  The `Welcome Back George MacIntyre' reception is about to begin in the
refectory.  George says he'd like to invite everybody, especially those who
weren't able to attend his funeral.

[Rimmer and Lister get up.  Rimmer picks up Lister's jacket and starts to
hand it to him, then drops it on the floor.  Lister kicks Rimmer from
behind as they leave.]

                                 * * * * *

[Another quick outside shot of the ship, then we cut to the mess, and
MacIntyre's party.  At the front of the room, Todhunter, Captain Hollister,
and a hologram of George MacIntyre are sitting at a table.  The Captain
stands.]

CH:  Folks, today is a day for both sadness and joy.  Sadness, for the
passing away of George, and joy, because George is back with us, albeit as
a hologram.  Now some of you may not have travelled with a hologram before,
so I ask you to treat him as a normal man, because he is in every respect
like George.  He has George's personality and George's knowledge and
experience.  Of course, he can't lift anything or touch anything, so I ask
you to cooperate with his requests.  And please, take every care not to
walk through him, not even when you're in a hurry.  Thank you.

[General applause, and cries of `Speech!  Speech!']

GM:  I want to thank everybody for giving me such a marvellous funeral.
I've just seen the vid.  And I want to thank the Captain for his beautiful
eulogy.  Beautiful.  But I still don't understand why he didn't use the one
I wrote.  [General laughter.] This must seem pretty spooky for everyone,
but I don't want you to think of me as someone who's dead, more as someone
who's no longer a threat to your marriages.  I think Joe knows what I'm
talking about.  [Laughter from everyone except one guy, presumably Joe.] As
you know, Holly's only capable of sustaining one hologram, so my advice to
anyone more vital to the mission than me is, if you die, I'll kill you.
[Applause.]

FT:  Please be upstanding for the cutting of the cake.

[The Captain cuts the cake.]

FT:  [Raising his glass.] Flight Coordinator George MacIntyre.

All:  George!

[As the toast is drunk, we hear the sound of someone, probably Lister,
gargling into his glass.]

CH:  OK, just one thing before the disco.  Holly tells me that he's sensed
a non-human life form aboard.

L:  Sir, it's Rimmer!

CH:  We don't know what it is, Lister.  So just be careful, OK?

L:  I'm turning you in, Rimmer.

[Rimmer pulls out his notebook and pointedly begins to write.]

L:  [And his friends.] Ooooh!

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Rimmer is wearing shorts and singlet,
and every visible part of his skin is covered with notes.]

R:  Right, they're bound to ask the right thigh, which is 10 per cent.
They must ask the left thigh, which is 20 per cent.  They've got to ask one
of the forearms.  Which means I've passed already; anything on the left
shin's a bonus!  Right.  [Looks at one arm.] `CUTIE'.  Current under
tension is ...  what's this?  Current under tension is equal?  Current
under tension is expandable?  Current under tension is expensive?  What
does this mean?  [Begins to panic.] What does any of it mean?  I've covered
my body in complete and utter and total absolute nonsense gibberish!
Aaaargh!  Just relax, relax, relax, relax--

[Lister, sleeping in the top bunk, is woken up by Rimmer's raving.  Rimmer
notices and makes an effort to appear calm.]

R:  Er, plus 20 per cent of the ship's course minus the Pythagoras theorem
multiplied by two over the X axis minus one equals the total velocity of
`Red Dwarf', which means I know everything about astro-engineering, good
morning Lister for probably the last time.

L:  You've got it all down, have you, Rimmer?

R:  Couple of blanks [slaps his buttocks] but I think we're there.

L:  So you can't remember anything?

R:  Think what you will, Lister.  [Begins to pull on his overalls.]

L:  Rimmer, F, I, S, H, that's how you spell `fish'.  Then you just keel
over.  I'm sure it'll all come flooding back to you.

R:  Dry up, Lister.

[The intercom honks.]

H:  Will entrants for the engineer's examination now make their way to the
teaching room.

L:  No, Rimmer, honestly, good luck.

R:  It's all right, Lister.  I'm in complete and total control.

[Rimmer picks up his briefcase and leaves the cabin, turning right.  After
a short pause, he hurries back across the doorway in the opposite
direction.]

L:  Lock.  [Nothing happens.] *Lock!* [The door closes.]

[Lister climbs down from his bunk.  We hear faint meows.  He opens a
locker, pulls out a bottle of milk and a bowl, and goes over to an air
conditioning grating on the wall.]

L:  Frankenstein.  Come on, Frankenstein.  [He puts the bowl on the floor
and pours some milk into it, spilling half of it all over the floor.  Then
he opens the grating and lifts out a large black cat.] Oh, but you're
getting really big now, you know.  I hope it's not twins, you've already
got all me milk ration.  Never mind, when the baby cat comes, maybe we can
give him water and pretend it's milk.  It's only a baby cat, it won't know,
eh?  [Pulls a photo out of his pocket.] Do you want to see my picture of
Fiji again, Frankie?  You're going to love it there.  Look.  [He holds the
photo up to the cat, who looks the other way.]

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to the examination room, where Rimmer and several others are taking
the exam.  Todhunter is monitoring.]

FT:  OK, everybody.  You've got three hours.  No modems, no speaking slide
rules.  Turn over and start.  Good luck.

[Rimmer examines his paper, looking more and more confused.  He looks
around at the others, but they all seem to be doing OK.  Finally (after
checking that Todhunter isn't looking) he rolls up his sleeve -- only to
discover that he's smeared all his notes into illegibility!  After sitting
there in mortal terror for a moment, he simply slams his hand down on the
paper to leave an inky palmprint, signs it, stands up, gives the bemused
Todhunter a spectacularly precise salute, and faints.]

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to the bridge.  Various people doing the usual technical-looking
things that people do on spaceship bridges in SF TV series.  Lister walks
in and goes to Kristine Kochanski's station.]

L:  Hi.  Where's the Captain's office?

KK:  It's over there.  Where it says `Captain's Office'.  Where it's always
said `Captain's Office'.

L:  So that's the Captain's office!  So how are you then?

KK:  Fine.

L:  Do you know what he wants to see me for?

KK:  Yes, I think you've been promoted to Admiral.

L:  Yeah?

KK:  Yeah.  For your diligence and general devotion to duty.

L:  Yeah!

[Captain Hollister walks in from his office.]

CH:  Lister!

L:  [Following the Captain back into his office.] You asked to see me,
Captain?

CH:  Where's the cat?

L:  What?  What cat?

CH:  Lister, not only are you so stupid you bring aboard an unquarantined
animal and jeopardise every man and woman on this ship, not only that, but
you take a photograph of yourself with the cat and send it to be processed
in the ship's lab.  Now, I'm going to ask you again.  Do you have a cat?

L:  No.

CH:  [Holding up a photo of Lister and Frankenstein.] Have you got a *cat*?

L:  Er, yes, that one.

CH:  Where'd you get it?  Titan?

L:  Yes.

CH:  Don't you realise that that thing could be carrying *anything*?  Don't
you remember what happened on the `Oregon' with the rabbits?  Lister, a
loose animal aboard this ship could get anywhere.  It could get into the
air ducts.  It could get into Holly.  You know, a little nibble here and a
little nibble there, Lister, and before you know it we're flying
*backwards*.  Now I want that cat, and I want it *now*.

L:  Sir, just suppose I did have a cat, just suppose ...  what would you do
with Frankenstein?

CH:  I'd send it down to the medical centre, and I'd have it cut up and
tests run on it.

L:  Would you put it back together when you'd finished?

CH:  Lister, the cat would be dead.

L:  So, with respect, sir, what's in it for the cat?

CH:  Lister, give me that cat!

L:  It's not as easy as that!  Me and the cat, we're going to have a baby
cat, and we're going to buy a farm on Fiji, and we're going to have a sheep
and a cow and three horses, it's me *plan*, and no-one can get in the way
of it, not even you, and I do respect you.  Sir.

CH:  Lister, do you want to go into stasis for the rest of the trip and
forfeit 18 months' wages?

L: No

CH: Choose.

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to a corridor somewhere in the ship.  Lister and Todhunter are
standing outside a stasis booth.  Two medical technicians wheel Rimmer past
on a stretcher.]

L:  Is this going to hurt?

FT:  Haven't you ever travelled interstellar?

L:  No.

FT:  Oh, you don't feel a thing.  The stasis room creates a static field of
time.  See, just as X-rays can't pass through lead, time cannot penetrate a
stasis field, so, although you exist, you no longer exists in time, and for
you, time itself does not exist.  You see, although you're still a mass,
you are no longer an event in space-time, you are a non-event mass with a
quantum probability of zero.

L:  Oh.  Simple as that, eh?

[Todhunter opens the door, and Lister steps inside.]

L:  OK, I'm ready.

FT:  See you in 18 months.  [Closes the door.] Holly, activate the stasis
field.

H:  OK, Frank.

[We see Lister waving through a window in the door.  Suddenly he freezes.]

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to an extended outside shot of the ship, then back to the stasis
booth.  Lister unfreezes, the door opens, and he walks out.]

H:  Good morning, Dave.  It is now safe for you to emerge from stasis.

L:  I've only just gone in.

H:  Please proceed to the Drive Room for debriefing.

[Lister walks down the corridor, looking around.  As he enters the mess, he
notices small piles of white powder on some of the tables.]

L:  Where is everybody, Hol?  [Sticks his finger in one of the piles of
white powder and tastes it.]

H:  [Appearing on a monitor on the wall.] They're dead, Dave.

L:  Who is?

H:  Everybody, Dave.

L:  What, Captain Hollister?

H:  Everybody's dead, Dave.

L:  What, Todhunter?

H:  Everybody's dead, Dave.

L:  What, Selby?

H:  They're all dead.  Everybody's dead, Dave.

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to another corridor.  Lister is still trying to understand what Holly
is saying; you get the impression the conversation has been going on for
some time.]

L:  Petersen isn't, is he?

H:  Everybody is *dead*, Dave.

L:  Not Chen?

H:  Gordon Bennett, yes, Chen, everybody.  Everybody's dead, Dave.

L:  Rimmer?

H:  He's dead, everybody's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, Dave!

L:  Wait.  Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?

H:  Wish I'd never let him out in the first place now.

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to the Drive Room.  Lister enters.  There are more of the little piles
of white powder everywhere.]

L:  How?

H:  The drive plate was inefficiently repaired.  It blew, and the entire
crew was subjected to a lethal dose of cadmium 2 before I could seal the
area.

L:  [Brushes the powder off a chair and sits in it.] Oh, this is terrible.
And why is it so dirty around here, Hol?  What is this stuff?  [Dips his
finger in another pile and tastes it.]

H:  That is Catering Officer Olaf Petersen.

L:  [Quickly spitting it out.] Aaaah!  I've been eating half the crew!  And
who's that?

H:  That's Captain Hollister.

L:  And that's Todhunter.

H:  No, that's Second Technician Rimmer.

L:  Oh, yeah.  I didn't recognise him without his report book.  What was
Rimmer doing in the Drive Room?

H:  He was explaining to the Captain why he hadn't sealed the drive plate
properly.

L:  So wait on.  How long was I in stasis?

H:  Well, I couldn't release you until the radiation reached a safe
background level.

L:  How *long*?

H:  Three million years.

L:  Three million years!  [Pause.] I've still got that library book.  And
what about Krissie?  What about Krissie Kochanski?

H:  She's dead, Dave.

L:  Oh, hey...

H:  I don't suppose it's any consolation, but if she were still alive, the
age difference would be insurmountable.

L:  She was part of me plan.  I never got round to telling her, but she was
going to come with me to Fiji.  She was going to wear a white dress and
ride the horses and I was going to take care of everything else.  It was me
plan.  I planned it.

H:  Well, she won't be much use to you on Fiji now.  Not unless it snows
and you need something to grit the path with.

L:  Holly!

H:  Sorry.  I'm sorry about that.  I've been on my own for three million
years, and I'm just used to saying what I think.  I think I've gone a bit
peculiar, to tell you the truth.

L:  So everyone's dead?  I'm on me own?  There's just me?

H:  Well, technically speaking, yes.

L:  What do you mean, `technically speaking'?

[Rimmer walks in.  He's a hologram.]

R:  Hello, Lister.  Long time no see.

L:  Rimmer!  You're a hologram!

R:  Yes.  That's because I'm dead.  Dead as a can of spam.  And it's all
thanks to you.

L:  Me?  What did I do?

R:  If you hadn't kept that stupid cat, Lister, and hadn't been sent to
stasis, I would have had some help when I was mending the drive plate, and
I wouldn't be dead.

L:  What's it like?

R:  Death?  It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.

L:  No, I mean being a hologram.

[Lister waves his hand through Rimmer's stomach.  Rimmer jumps back in
disgust, and Lister looks at his hand in amazement.]

R:  Do you mind?  Being a hologram is fine, Lister.  I still have the same
drives, the same feelings, the same emotions, but I can't touch anything.
Never again will I be able to brush a rose against my cheek, cradle a
laughing child, or interfere with a woman sexually.

L:  Rimmer, you never used to do any of those things anyway.

R:  But I would have done one day, murderer!

L:  Hey, hey!  I didn't do anything!  It was *you* who didn't fix the drive
plates properly.

R:  [Looking at one of the piles of powder.] Is this me here?

L:  Yeah.

R:  Me?

L:  Come on, Rimmer, look on the bright side.

R:  The bright side?  What bright side?  I'm dead, I'm composed entirely of
light, and I'm alone in space with a man who'd lose a battle of wits with a
stuffed iguana.  Where's the bright side?

L:  What's an iguana?  And look, look, you're not dead, are you?  I mean,
you're dead, but you're not *dead* dead, because you're still here, aren't
you?

R:  Lister, I'm not really here!  I'm not really *me*!  Don't you see?  I'm
a computer simulation of me.  That's me, there, that pile of albino mouse
droppings.

L:  Come on.  Lot's of people have died.  lots of people have died and then
gone on and done really really well.  You're a hologram.  So what?

R:  I suppose you're right, Lister.  I've got to pull myself together.  But
you've got to help me.  You've got to be my hands and my touch.

L:  I know the sort of things you like to touch.  No way, Rimmer.  Forget
it.

R:  Are you smoking, Lister?  In the Drive Room?

L:  Yeah.  I stopped for quite a while, but I'm back on them now.

R:  You're on report, squire.  [Reaches for his notebook, which isn't
there.] I can't write it down.  I'll remember it.

L:  Ohhh ...  Rimmer, look, I know it's wrong of me to speak ill of the
dead and all that, but you're still a smeghead.

R:  I beg your pardon?

L:  [Leaving the room.] I said, you're still a smeghead.

R:  Lister, do you have any conception of the penalty for describing a
deceased superior officer as a smeghead?  [He goes to lean on a table, and
falls through it.]

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to a corridor.  Rimmer is following Lister.]

R:  Lister, will you listen to me?  Just listen to me.  Just shut up.  Shut
up.

[They proceed out of sight.  After they're gone, a panel falls off the
wall, and a guy dressed in a pink suit climbs out of an air duct.  This is
the Cat.  He does a somersault and three twirls.]

C:  Aaahhh, ooowww, eee!  How am I looking?  [Pulls out a small mirror.]
Looking nice.  No, wait a minute.  I'm looking better than nice.  I'm
looking dangerous.  Aaaoooww, dangerous!  Aaaooowww -- hey, what's that?
Oh, it's my shadow.  Hey, even my shadow's looking nice!  I'm looking nice,
my shadow's looking nice, what a team!  We are unbelievable!  OK, team,
this way.  No, this way.  Aaaooowww, yeah.  This way!

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to another corridor.  Rimmer is still following Lister.]

R:  Lister, just hold your horses.  Listen to me--

[He's interrupted by the Cat spinning into view.]

C:  Aaaooowww!  [Notices Lister and Rimmer.] Oh oh.  Better make myself
look big!

[The Cat holds up his claws and looks fierce.  Lister and Rimmer turn tail
and run.]

C:  Hee hee hee!  Fearsome.  I was fearsome!  Me and my shadow, ooohhh,
come on boy, walking down the avenue...

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to the mess.  Lister and Rimmer are backing away from the door, until
Lister backs into a table and nearly jumps out of his skin.]

L:  Aaahhh!  Holly, what was that?

H:  During the radioactive crisis, Dave, your cat and her kittens were
safely sealed in the hold, and they've been breeding there for three
million years, and have evolved into the life form you just saw in the
corridor.

L:  I don't get it.

H:  Well, you know how mankind evolved from apes?

L:  Yeah, I know that.

H:  He evolved from cats.  His ancestors were cats, he's descended from
cats, he is a cat.

[Suddenly the Cat enters the room.]

C:  Aaahhh, ooohhh, yeah-- [Suddenly freezes as he notices the others.]

L:  Hello ...  Cat?

C:  [Noticing something on his sleeve.] Whoa!  Crease!  [Pulls out a small
steam iron and runs it over the sleeve.]

R:  Stand back, Lister.

[Screaming incoherently, Rimmer takes up a Kung Fu posture and leaps at the
cat, hands and feet flying everywhere.  He passes straight through the
astonished Cat and disappears out the door.]

                                 * * * * *

[Cut to Lister and Rimmer's cabin.  Lister retrieves the milk and bowl and
some cereal from his locker and pours some out.]

L:  Here you go, Cat.

C:  Ah, Krispies!

L:  Holly says you like these.

C:  Mmmm!

[Lister puts the bowl down on the floor, in the place he used to feed
Frankenstein.]

C:  Hey!  You monkeys eat off the *floor*?  Ain't you got no style or
sophistication?

L:  Oh, I'm sorry, Cat, I'm sorry.  [Picks up the bowl and puts it on the
table in front of the Cat.]

C:  You people are unbelievable.  [Starts to lick up the cereal and milk
with his tongue.]

L:  Where are all your other catty friends, Cat?

C:  Good Krispies, man!

L:  But where are all the other little kitties?  Are they gone?  Are they
dead?  Have they left you?

R:  Who cares?  I want it off the ship!

L:  No!  He's coming home with us, aren't you, Cat?

R:  Home?  And where exactly is home supposed to be?

L:  Earth.

R:  Earth?  What makes you think there'll be any Earth, Lister?  And even
if there is, look what it's done to a household pet in three million years.
Can you imagine what humankind has evolved into?  To them, you'll be the
equivalent of the slime that first crawled out of the oceans.

L:  I could smarten meself up a bit.

R:  Naah, you're a dinosaur, you're extinct, you've got nothing.

L:  Hey, hey!  I've still got me plan.  And I've still got a cat.  OK, it's
not Frankenstein, but it's still a cat.

C:  Did you say Frankenstein?

L:  Yeah, she was your great great great great great great grandmother or
something.

C:  The Holy Mother?  The Virgin Birth?  No-one believes that stuff!

R:  The Virgin Birth?!

L:  No, it was a big black tom on Titan.

C:  Frankenstein, yeah!  I remember that stuff from kitty school.  The Holy
Mother, saved by Cloister the Stupid, who was frozen in time, and who
gaveth of his life that we might live...

L:  No!  No, it's not Cloister, it's me, it's Lister!  It's *Lister* the
...  stupid?!

C:  ...Who shall returneth to lead us to Fushal, the Promised Land.

L:  No, it's not Fushal, it's Fiji!  And I will!  I'll lead you there.  [To
Rimmer.] *That's* where we're going.  Holly, plot a course for Fiji.  Look
out, Earth -- the slime is coming home!


                                  THE END


---------------------------------------------------------------------------

--
... Ross Smith (Wanganui, NZ) ............ alien@acheron.amigans.gen.nz ...
"Among the gods, there is a dispute as to which one of them originally
thought of Christianity; or, as they call it, the Great Leg Pull.  Apollo
has the best claim, but a sizeable minority support Pluto, ex-God of the
Dead, on the grounds that he has a really sick sense of humour." (Tom Holt)