Peregrinus Jupiter's Real Live Sure Fire Uranium-235 Texas Chili!
 
                                 YEAH-HOO!
 
            A-when my ten gallon hat's a feelin' five gallons flat --
                     I hanker for Jupe's Chil-hil-ee!
          When I'm in for a showdown and my Vic-20 starts to slow down
                  Or when Captain Keen is weak-in-the knees...
                          I hanker for a bowl of
                         A pot, a cup, a crock of
                        A mess, a batch, a tub of
                       That treat that we all so love
                 Jupe's Sure Fire Texas Chil-hil-ee!  YEAH-HOO!
 
 
                             25 July, 1992
 
All right, boys and girls.  First, make sure to get a parent's permission!
Now, then.
 
1 package Durkee (tm) chili mix
1 lb. dead cow, extra lean.
1 lb. Jimmy Dean or Dinner Bell (or whatever) pork sausage.
A mess of onions
Like one and a half green peppers
One garlic in the shape of Orville Redenbacker's head.
1 jar saffron.
Salt und Pfeffer.
15 oz. can Dan Quayle's Tomatoe sauce
1 jar Fisher Honey Roasted Cashews, large size.
Canned tomatoes, crushed tomatoes, stewed tomatoes, whatever you got.
3-4 Tons Belgian Congo high-grade Uranium Oxide ore.
6 tubes toothpaste (not baking soda toothpaste)
2 cans kidney beans, one light, one dark.  (All light may be used in the South.)
Cinnamon.
Some beer.  You can even use O'Doul's, or Old Milwaukee if you're really cheap.
Chili powder.
Flour.
1 latex condom, non-ribbed, non-lubricated.
Olive Oyl (ag, ag, ag, ag, ag) (Popeye imitation.) (Yes, you can use any oil.)
White tortilla chips
Cheddar or Monterey Jack Cheese
Sour cream.
 
Find a pot.  Make it a good one, it's the only one you're going to use.  It has
to be rather large.    Oh yeah, it should have a lid.
 
Cut up a mess of peppers, and onions.  Also, mince the garlic.  Put some oil in
the pot, oh, just enough to barely cover the bottom.  Turn on the burner like
medium, wait till it heats up, then throw the peppers in.  No, don't throw the
onions in at the same time, the peppers take longer to cook.  By the way,
congratulations, you are sauteeing.  I wish I could put an accent over one of
the e's in "sautee" but alas ASCII will not allow.
 
Ok. The peppers are like half done now.  So throw in the onions and the garlic.
Oh yeah, use yellow or Spanish onions, not the red salad type.  And I hope you
really mined the garlic fine, you wouldn't want to swallow a whole chunk of it.
 
Ok, so you've got some sauteed vegetables.  Dump the 1 lb. extra lean ground
beef in there along with the tube of Jimmy Dean sausage.  Now, while all of that
is cooking up, be sure to keep breaking it up.  You don't want it to all clump
up.  Ok, so you're done, it's all brown, so you're not eating raw meat.  Take
the nice large size Fisher Honey Roasted Cashews, open the jar, and pour the
cashews into the barrel.  Take the jar, put it on your sink, and come over with
the pot with the lid on it.  Invert the pot, holding tightly onto the lid, and
drain the fluids out through a little opening into the jar.  This will take like
3 minutes...get it all out!  If you screw this up, the meat and vegetables will
fall all over the place and you will make an ass of yourself.  Throw the jar out
and put the pot back on the stove.  Incidentally, you shouldn't pour the fluids
down the sink because they will clog it up.
 
Ok, dump in the 15 oz. can of tomato sauce along with a little bit of any
crushed or stewed tomatoes you have lying around.  Just make sure they are
mashed up good.  Do not use ketchup/catsup, Pizza Quick, salsa, barbecue sauce,
or tomato paste, in case you are inclined to do so.  Also, for those of you who
don't have much experience in these matters, the tomato sauce comes in a can and
is watery.  Francesco Rinaldi and Prego and that shit is SPAGHETTI SAUCE and is
something totally different.
 
Ok, now dump in the contents of the package of Durkee chili mix and stir things
around.  In doing so, you may notice that there are chili directions on the back
of the package.  Do not read them; the guy who wrote them was a lunatic.  If you
follow those directions you will be sorry.  Incidentally, if you can't find
Durkee mix but can find Carroll Shelby, that will do.  Dump in the large packet
only and set the rest aside.  Now, add some water.  How much water? I don't
know.  At least add one 15-oz can full.  Basically, this mixture will not look
very appetizing yet, don't let that bother you.  The mixture should certainly be
less thick than sloppy joes.  So make it wet, you will boil off the water
anyway.
 
Ok, now add some salt, some pepper, some chili powder (that's mostly what the
Durkee/Shelby mix is, but it's not enough.)  Throw in a sip of beer.  Now: add a
pinch of cinnamon.  This sounds strange, but it is an essential ingredient and
complements it wonderfully.  Throw in some other spices too, as long as they are
not strong.  A little oregano, a little parsley, a little dehydrated onion
flakes.  Incidentally, if you bought the saffron as the list above suggested, I
hate to inform you that it was a joke, and at $9.00 a pinch at your local Star
Market, I'm finding this very funny.
 
If you're going to put in some cayenne pepper to impress the females, do it now.
Personally I think it ruins the chili.
 
Ok.  The heat should be on medium.  Simmer it at medium covered for half an
hour, stirring every 5 minutes to keep the bottom from burning.  Dump in a
little more water if it looks like it will burn without it.
 
While that is happening, go to your basement.  Take the uranium oxide ore and
melt it in a large furnace to liberate the uranium.  Fill a garbage can full of
it.  Throw in the 6 tubes of toothpaste to obtain Uranium Hexafluoride.  Place
the garbage can on a red-hot bed of coals to turn the Uranium Hexafluoride to
gas.  Capture this gas any way convenient.  Pressurize the gas and pump it
through a membrane made of the condom material.  Collect the gas on the far side
of the membrane and repeat, say, four thousand times or so.  Eventually you
should have enough U-235 to give your chili that extra kick.  Plus, you can can
the chili and sell it to a small Arab nation.
 
Done? Good, the chili's almost ready to work on.  Go upstairs and open the 2
cans of kidney beans.  Drain them well and dump then in.  It still doesn't look
like chili, does it?  Ok, then do this.  Take some flour and put it in a cup.
(Users of the Shelby mix, use the white package.) Add some water to get a mix
the consistency of Arby's sauce. (thin ketchup)  Dump it in the pot and stir!
Magic!  The color should change and things should smooth out.  Keep adding flour
until you get the color and texture you want.  Also, add 1.5 cups U-235 or to
taste at this time.  Cover it and cook 10 minutes more.
 
DONE!
 
Well, not quite.  Presentation is quite important.
 
Dump the chili in your favourite piece of crockery.  Throw some cheese and raw
onions on top.  If you are impatient, microwave it until the cheese melts.
 
Put some sour cream on top, and on the side.  The sour cream is essential for
temperature contrast.
 
Enjoy with a lovely beverage.  I recommend skim milk.
 
Have some white tortilla chips with it.  They are lighter and I find the yellow
ones too greasy and heavy to go with the chili.
 
Also, have some crescent rolls or Pillsbury bread sticks or corn bread sticks
with it to cleanse the palate when necessary.
 
Oh, I almost forgot.  Don't drop it.  Also, hospital X-Ray technicians are not
advised to consume this dish in their places of work since a noticable fog may
develop on the plates.
 
Enjoy.  I sure did.
 
Finis.
Also sprach Jupiter.
 
------------------
jupiter@works.uucp
or
merk!works!jupiter
------------------
 
A PEREGRINVS IVPITER PRODUCTION (C) 1992 Peregrinus Jupiter.
All rights reserved.
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