Battlestar Red
Part 2

The Boyz Introduce Themselves To Our Heroes...
        *Ooooooh. Headache. Ouch,* Starbuck moaned. *Why is 
it whenever I go on a mission I get smacked upside the head and 
have to suffer a migraine until I get to sickbay? Once, just once, 
I'd like to see Apollo get it instead of me.*
        He opened his eyes and realized that he was staring at 
the landing bay's industrial steel floor. He slowly rolled over only 
to see the tall guy with the letter in the middle of his forehead 
standing over him in what looked like a hand-to-hand combat 
stance. 
        "Don't move or I'll snap your neck like a twig," the letter-
man warned. "Anyone who knows me will tell you that I'm a master 
at the martial arts. They don't call me Arnold 'Bruce Lee' Rimmer 
for nothing." Suddenly he let out the most unholy screech, which 
seemed to go in time with some wild, awkward-looking arm 
movements. "YYYYEEEEAHHHH! HOOO! HAAAA!" 
        "Ohkahy, ohkahy," Starbuck groaned. "Just keeping your 
fraking voice down. Headache." Then he moaned again. "Fraking 
languatron. When I get my hands on Wilker..."
        Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Apollo sneaking up 
behind the man. *It isn't _fair_!* Starbuck thought. *He can 
move without his head falling off while the sound of my hair 
growing hurts.*
        "I said don't move!" letter-man ordered. "No twitching, no 
moaning, no nothing. Just stay puuuu-YEAOW!" At that very moment 
Apollo attempted to tackle Rimmer. What Starbuck saw (and 
consequently it was the last thing he remembered before he 
blacking out for a few centons) was the shocked look on the 
captain's face as he went through the letter-man's midsection. 
Naturally, Starbuck provided Apollo with a nice, soft landing spot.
        When Starbuck finally came to a few centons later 
(with his headached doubled in intensity since Apollo had, in fact, 
landed on his head, thus confirming Starbuck's suspicion that the 
Lords of Kobol had it in for his poor, abused skull), he was greeted 
with the unbelievable view of Apollo and the guy with long braids 
bending over him with concerned looks on their faces.
        Somewhere in the background, he could hear letter-man 
yelling about how the height of rudeness is walking through a 
hologram.
        "A holo-wha?" Starbuck asked. The sound of his own 
voice echoing between his ears caused him to wince.
        "Stop being such a baby," Apollo chided. "It wasn't like I 
landed with _all_ my weight on your head. Besides, it's thick 
enough that it should be able to withstand the pressure."
        The guy with braids looked up, "Kryten! Get the 
smegging Tylenol over here!" 
        "Yarhg! Mercy, please," Starbuck moaned through 
clenched teeth as he grabbed for his hollow-feeling head.
        "Sorry," the braid man apologized. "I'm Lister. Kryten is 
the mechanoid. The smeghead making like Grasshopper in 'Kung Fu' 
is Rimmer..."
        "We've met," Starbuck interrupted through his grinding 
teeth. "Please, could you turn the volume down just a little bit?"
        Lister complied with the request as he continued, "And 
Cat was holding the other bazookoid. 'Pollo here already told us 
who you two are. You, okay man? That flying tackle looked brutal."
        "I plan on filing charges against a certain superior 
officer when we get back to the Galactica," Starbuck muttered as 
he was helped to an upright sitting position in preparation for the 
industrial strength Tylenol.
        "On what grounds?" Apollo yelped.
        "Physical torture of a junior officer and mental 
cruelty," Starbuck grumbled.
        "Hey, it was an accident," Apollo grinned. "How was I 
supposed to know that he wasn't solid? And what's with the 
mental cruelty felgercarb?"
        "After a two yahren of dragging me all over the 
universe to get me into fraking trouble and you have the nerve to 
ask 'what mental cruelty'?"  
        Kryten appeared into view, bearing a _very_ large pill 
and a glass of what looked like water. "Take this, sir. It'll help."
        Starbuck looked at the multi-colored pill. In his own 
eyes, it looked rather huge. "I don't know if I can swallow that. 
Besides, how do I know it won't poison me?"
        "It won't, sir. Your biology indicates you're human so 
this should work," Kryten urged, forcing both pill and water into 
the dazed lieutenant's hands. 
        Rimmer materialized behind Kryten, "Of course, you're 
taking the word of a souped-up vacuum cleaner."
        Apollo looked up. "Is that a bad thing?"
        "No," Lister interrupted before Rimmer could answer. 
"Kryten 'ere is a marvel. Especially when it comes to space 
mumps."
        "Space mumps?" Starbuck asked as he stared at the 
pill. He quickly looked up. "No. Don't tell me. I _really_ don't wanna 
know." He looked back at the pill. His head was moving into the dull 
long-term annoying ache that had become all-too-familiar during 
his career in the Colonial Service. He decided he didn't want to 
wait to get back to the Galactica only to endure snide comments 
from Dr. Salik implying that he got so many headaches because 
there was nothing in his skull to act as a cushion. "Well," Starbuck 
mustered a painful smile. "Bottoms up."

        Apollo was in his glory.
        He had just finished radioing back to the Galactica that 
he and Starbuck were fine, despite some initial misunderstandings 
with the crew. He told Athena that they wanted to find out a bit 
more about their hosts before inviting them back to the Galactica 
for a chat.
        He didn't tell them that part of the reason why they 
wanted to stay was that Lister had offered to make them dinner by 
way of apology for the 'hanger incident,' as he called it. Home-
cooked food. Not standard military mush. Apollo was in absolute 
heaven.
        Kryten was busy fussing over a very grumpy lieutenant 
in the ship's sickbay, Lister was busy cooking and Cat had 
disappeared Lords of Kobol knew where after declaring the need to 
change his clothes since there was a serious color clash problem. 
Apollo decided it was best not to ask what Cat meant by his 
statement.
        That left Apollo alone with Holly, the very attractive 
blonde woman who was even now giggling cutely on the vid screen 
in front of him. "So, tell me Holly. Why haven't I gotten to meet you 
in person? Do they keep you chained to your communications 
console?"
        "You are meeting me in person," Holly answered with a 
foolish grin, which prompted Apollo to break into a foolish grin 
himself. 
        *I don't believe this! A woman is finally hitting on me 
instead of Starbuck! Hah! It's about time I got the girl,* Apollo 
thought. "No, no. I mean body as well as electronic soul," he said to 
the attractive face. He then winced because the line was _so_ 
corny. *God, I've been watching Starbuck's greatest hits _way_ too 
much.*
        "You are looking at her body." Apollo looked up to see 
Rimmer standing behind him. "Holly is our senile ship's computer. 
To hear her talk, the entire smegging ship is her body. It explains 
it's current beat-up condition, I think."
        "'E knows that," Holly protested. "I told him on the way 
over. Told him I had an I.Q. of 6,000 and everything."
        Rimmer leaned over conspiratorially to the stunned 
Apollo and said, "I'd remove three zeroes from that figure before 
believing her."
        Apollo looked back at the screen. "You're a computer?"
        "That's right," Holly said proudly.
        "I've been flirting with a computer." Apollo blinked. 
"This just isn't my day."
        Rimmer smiled, "Indeedy, matey. If you're done making 
goo-goo eyes at our resident dumb blonde.."
        "'Ay! Who are you calling a blonde?" Holly interrupted.
        "...I'm here to escort you to sickbay so you can prevent 
your compatriot from ripping out Kryten's internal circuitry with 
his bare hands and strangling that malfunctioning bathroom 
attendant with his own wiring," Rimmer finished without missing 
a beat.
        "What?" Apollo shot to his feet. Truth to tell, he was 
kind of relieved about Rimmer's interruption, in light of having 
Holly's status hammered home to him. "And you're sitting here 
making small talk? Where's..."
        "Just follow me." Rimmer made a smart turn and 
headed down the hall, with Apollo gamely trying to keep up with 
him. 
        "Why would Starbuck try to hurt Kryten?" Apollo asked 
breathlessly behind him.
        "I don't know," Rimmer answered with a smile playing 
around the edges of his mouth. "Last I saw, Kryten had just 
finished explaining what the swirly thing was and started explaining 
what a mechanoid is."

                  Apollo had managed to calm his lieutentant down, 
barely in time to prevent a nasty accident involving Starbuck, 
Kryten, Lister and a very dangerous-looking fire axe hurtling its 
way across the cramped sickbay. 
                   Lister claimed he was just trying to get Starbuck's
attention when he threw it, but Apollo wasn't sure whether or not
to believe him. "You could've used something else," Apollo said.
                   "What? And listen to another round of Starbuck 'ere
complaining that his head is not a battering ram? We only just 
managed to get rid of his last headache," Lister countered.
                   Apollo bit back the acerbic comment that using it as a
pin cushion would not have improved Starbuck's mood. Truth to 
tell, he couldn't actually blame Starbuck reacting the way he did,
once the whole mechanoid business was explained to him. To 
prevent further 'accidents,' Lister asked that the two of them 
remain in the medlab and wait for Cat to pick them up for dinner.
Apollo agreed that it might be for the best, all things considered.


In Which We Discover That Capricans _Really_ Don't Like Curry...
        Cat, newly decked out in fresh clothes, cheerfully led 
Apollo and Starbuck into the crew's sleeping quarters for chow 
time. They really didn't want to ask the meaning of his cryptic 
song, "I'm gonna get you little dinner..."
        But they were hungry. They hadn't eaten since 
breakfast and the thought of food, real, home-cooked food, was 
enough to set their mouths salivating in a most unattractive way.
        That's probably why the stench that greeted them, the 
same stench that seemed to be coming from a huge mixing bowl of 
what appeared to be sludge set in the middle of a dinner table, was 
enough to cause their vision to blur and nearly blow them back out 
into the corridor.
        "Ahk! Gas..." Apollo choked as his knees began to loose 
their strength. Somehow Starbuck was able to grab him under the 
armpit before he made a spectacle of himself by falling on his 
knees and begging for mercy. He was comforted to hear that 
Starbuck had started wheezing through his mouth.
        Lister, who was just now starting to portion out the 
curry for their guests, sniffed suspiciously under his armpits. 
Since nothing seemed amiss there, he checked his feet.
        "Get it away! Please!" Starbuck begged, using his one 
free hand to wipe the tears streaming down his face. "I'll tell you 
anything! Please!"
        "What? Get what away?" Lister asked, genuinely 
mystified.
        Apollo vaguely waved at the bowl. "THAT!"
        "Oooooo, Listy, Listy, Listy," Rimmer clucked. "You've 
just attempted to kill the first aliens we've ever encountered with 
your impressive cooking skills. So much for first contact with 
intelligent lifeforms. On second thought, if they don't like it, that 
probably means they _are_ intelligent after all."
        "Well, I still say they look human to me," Lister 
grumped as he tossed the bowl in the refrigeration unit.
        "Wish we could say the same about you," Starbuck 
panted. 
        That's when Apollo slid into unconsciousness. Unable to 
keep his companion's dead weight up, Starbuck dropped him with a 
most impressive thunk. He was too weak to even see what was 
wrong. The room spun as he grabbed for a table. That _smell_! It 
was disorientating him. "What? What..." he choked.
        "Holly! What's wrong with them?" Lister asked.
        "I'm not sure."
        "Bet it's the food," Rimmer mumbled.
         Lister spun around to face his bunkmate. "What? They 
don't like curry?"
        "No one likes three inches of curry on their food," 
Rimmer shot back.
        "_That's_ food?" Starbuck wheezed. "What are you? You 
can't be human..." his voice trailed off into a series of wracking 
coughs.
        Kryten kneeled next to Apollo and checked his pulse. 
"Sir, he's fading fast."
        "Actually," Starbuck mumbled as he lost his grip on the 
table and slid to the floor, "You're kinda fading away yourself." 
Then he blacked out.
        Lister pounded over to the fallen lieutenant's side and 
checked his pulse. It seemed normal, if a bit fast. His breathing 
was very shallow, though. Not a good sign. "Get them to the medlab. 
Kryten, any idea what's..."
        "I think they're poisoned, Mr. Lister, sir."


Post Curry Recovery...
        Starbuck came to very slowly. As memory returned, he 
realized he wasn't really sure he wanted to wake up. He opened his 
eyes just a crack to confirm his fears.  Yup -- he was back in the 
Red Dwarf's sickbay all right. Well, considering that he was still 
alive, perhaps the food incident really was an accident. In which 
case he never wanted to find out what happened to people the Red 
Dwarf crew decided _not_ to be nice to. As he pondered waking up 
fully, he began to make out voices behind him.
        "Well how was I supposed to know they'd be allergic to 
curry?" 
        *That must be the one called Lister,* Starbuck 
painfully thought.
        "Perhaps the problem isn't the curry per se, but the 
fact that you use enough curry to knock over a rabid water buffalo. 
Lister, the only reason _you_ can eat that much curry is that your 
taste buds are dead. And no wonder -- I saw what else you put in 
that! They're lucky the curry got them first!"
        *Rimmer, definitely Rimmer.*
        "Sirs, I think they may be coming around. Might I 
suggest an apology is in order?"
        *Kryten -- the, what-did-they-call-it? Oh yes, the
mechanoid.*
        With that, Starbuck opened his eyes fully and looked 
around. The Red Dwarf crew was huddled together on the other side 
of the sickbay. Considering the raging headache he had developed, 
they were probably doing the right thing. As he slowly sat up, 
Kryten made a hesitant move to come forward. The glare Starbuck 
shot back stopped him cold.
        Kryten said carefully, "Sir, you really shouldn't be 
moving around too much. According to the medical computer, you 
have suffered a mild concussion."
        Of course! The perfect climax to an otherwise 
wonderful day! Dr. Salik and Cassiopea both would get a chuckle 
out of this. "A concussion? Because of this stuff you call curry?" 
he asked.
        "Well, no. Because of the table that you hit when you 
passed out," replied Kryten.
        "Lovely. How's he?" Starbuck nodded in Apollo's 
direction.
        "He should be waking up any time now. Except for a 
possible feeling of disorientation and perhaps a mild headache, 
your friend should be fine," Kryten soothed.
        "Good. Because when he wakes up I'm gonna wring his 
neck."

        Apollo came to a short time later. The headache he had 
was a first. So was the slight feeling of nausea and dizziness that 
came with it. *So much for that home-cooked meal. I wonder what 
happened to Starbuck?* He opened his eyes and looked up. Looming 
above him was the lieutenant in question looking more than a 
little irked.
        "How do you feel?" asked Starbuck.
        "Ugh. My stomach and I aren't speaking right now. You?"
        "Oh, _me_? What could _possibly_ be wrong with 
_me_? Oh, sure, a little concussion, a few bruises here and there. 
Nothing out of the ordinary after a day on a mission with my 
bestest buddy," Starbuck sounded more than just a bit sarcastic. 
"This is the _last_ time. That's it. I'm _through_! I'm getting a 
transfer to kinder, gentler squadron. Or maybe get one of my own. 
At the very least, I should get a raise for hazardous duty!" Now he 
sounded downright angry.
        "Starbuck..."
        "Don't talk to me. I have a headache. Again!" With that, 
Starbuck huffed back over to the other couch and laid back down, 
with his arm over his eyes.
        "Does he really have a concussion?" he asked the Red 
Dwarf crew.
        "A little one. We could fix it up right here..." began 
Kryten.
        "NO! Under _no_ circumstances am I letting anyone of 
you do anything to me with this equipment. I'll wait until we get 
back to the Galactica. And the sooner the better, " Starbuck glared 
back at Apollo. "This place is too dangerous."
        Apollo considered the subject. Seriously. Things were 
not going as well as he'd expected here. He doubted the Red Dwarf 
crew meant any harm, though. And they might have information 
that Adama wanted. Perhaps it would be safer dealing with them 
on the Galactica. "Gentlemen, I think Starbuck is right. We should 
go back to the Galactica. On behalf of Commander Adama, my 
father, I would like to invite you to come with us," Apollo said.
        "Back to your ship? The one that looks like a giant 
skiing bug? How do we know this isn't a trap?" asked Rimmer.
        "What are you worried about, Alphabet Head? You're a 
hologram. What could they do to you? Now I, on the other hand, 
have a more important question. What color is the inside of your 
ship?" asked Cat.
        "What?" Apollo was taken aback by that question, "Ah, 
silver I think."
        "Great! Silver goes with just about anything! Hmm...let 
me pack two or three dozen outfits and I'll be all set."
        "Just a smegging minute. How do we know it's safe?" 
Lister interrupted.
        "Look, we're human, you're human..."
        "Maybe..." muttered Starbuck to himself.
        Apollo shot him a 'Be quiet' look and continued, "...And 
maybe we can help each other out. Maybe we can help you get back 
to where you came from and get this ship fixed..."
        "And what's wrong with the ship?" asked Holly, "I 
mean, you travel in space for three million years and sure, you get 
a bit rusty..."
        "Okay, okay. We'll come with you. If you are human, then 
there might be some other interesting people to meet. It's getting 
a bit dull with just these blokes to talk to all the time," said 
Lister.
        "Well, you're no Mr. Life of the Party, yourself..." began 
Cat.
        "Great, great! We'll get started right away. As soon as I 
warn...I mean, notify the Galactica that we're coming. I assume one 
or both of those ships we saw in the landing bay is operational? 
I'm afraid Starbuck won't be able to fly back himself," Apollo said.
        "Wait a micron, here. You want me to get in one of 
_those_ ships? If I sneeze, they'll fall apart!" Starbuck protested.
        "You're the one who wanted to get back to the Galactica 
in a hurry. You could just wait until I go back, get a shuttle ready, 
and return for you..."
        "You'd leave me alone with these guys, wouldn't you? 
All right, all right. You win. Kryten, could I get you to get me 
another one of those tielenol things...."

        Omega couldn't believe what he was seeing on the 
scanner. The ship Capt. Apollo was leading toward the Galactica 
was just too decrepit and beat up-looking to possibly fly. He had 
to credit Lt. Starbuck with being an extremely brave man to get in 
that thing. Or crazy. But he was more willing to bet both factors 
were in play. "Capt. Apollo returning with the alien...shuttlecraft, 
sir" he informed Commander Adama.
        "Excellent. Inform Capt. Apollo that I will meet him and 
his guests in the landing bay upon his arrival," Adama replied.
        "Sir, he is also requesting that a medical team meet 
him in the bay. It appears that Lt. Starbuck has managed to injure 
himself. Again. A concussion, I believe."
        "Now why doesn't that surprise me," muttered Tigh.
        "Please, Tigh. Omega, inform Dr. Salik that his services 
are required." With that, Adama turned and left the bridge.

Adama Considers Changing Course...
        Apollo and Adama waited patiently for their guests to 
come out of decon. Meanwhile, Dr. Salik examined the grumpy 
Starbuck. "Tell me, how did you manage to do this to yourself?" 
asked the doctor, a note of humor in his voice.
        Starbuck glared first at the doctor, then at Apollo. "It 
was a culinary accident. Too much spice in the food."
        "You got a concussion from spice?!"
        "Doctor, please. Just fix it. I really don't wanna talk 
about it."
                Dr. Salik sighed, and turned to Adama. "Will you 
gentlemen excuse us, please. I need to take the lieutenant to the 
Life Center. Maybe Cassiopea can get the story out of him."
        As the medtechs hoisted the stretcher in which 
Starbuck was laying, the lieutenant called out, "Apollo..."
        "Yeah, buddy, what is it?"
        "When I recover from this, you and I have an 
appointment on the triad courts for a little one on one."
        Apollo winced. Somehow he doubted he'd win that 
particular match. As Salik and his patient left the landing bay, 
Adama turned to his son and asked, "What was that all about?"
        "Starbuck thinks I'm on a mission to get both of us 
killed. I think he blames his injuries on me. I..."
        Just then the doors from the decon chamber opened, 
and their guests walked out. Cat, Rimmer and Kryten looked pretty 
much the same as they had on the Dwarf, which was enough to 
make Adama's eyes widen in shock. Lister, however, was wearing a 
standard issue Colonial jumpsuit...in blue...and actually looked, 
well, clean...
        "They burned my clothes! That machine actually burned 
my clothes! That was my best outfit -- the t-shirt with only three 
curry stains on it, my favorite pants and my underwear that 
almost bent!"  Lister exclaimed indignantly.
        "Of course they burned your smegging clothes. They 
don't want to contaminate the whole ship. And they jettisoned the 
ashes for good measure. My, my, Listy. For the first time in your 
life, you're actually clean," replied Rimmer smugly. "Yep, entire 
colonies of disease-causing microorganisms have bit the dust. If 
it hadn't been for you, we would've been out of that a long time 
ago."
        "At least they gave you a more tasteful outfit than 
what those other guys were wearing. Basic blue may be boring, but 
at least it doesn't clash with my red and blue suit!" remarked the 
Cat. He looked around the bay. "Ooh. I can see these people 
definitely need my decorating expertise."
        "Sirs, I believe that important looking gentleman over 
there standing next to Capt. Apollo is the man in charge. May I 
suggest that we introduce ourselves to him?" asked Kryten.
        "Of course. After me." With that, Rimmer began walking 
confidently toward Adama and Apollo.
        "Hey, why does he get to go first?" grumbled the Cat.
        "Oh, come on then. We better save them from that 
annoying git before they decide to toss us all out the airlock," 
answered Lister.
        
        Adama experienced a sinking feeling of dread as he saw 
the Motley Crew approach him. "Gentle...men," he paused, not sure 
if that would be the correct term to use as an address to this 
bunch. Always the diplomat, though, he continued, "Welcome to the 
Galactica. I am Commander Adama. I hope your stay will be 
pleasant.  And perhaps we could be of mutual assistance to each 
other. Is there anything...."
        "Hey, are there any, you know, females on this bug?" 
Cat interrupted.
        Taken aback by this interruption, Adama blurted, "Why, 
yes..."
        "YEEEAAAOOOWWWW! All right!  In that case, you don't 
have to worry about my stay being pleasant at all!" Cat exclaimed, 
as he and Lister hi-fived.
        Not knowing what to make of this exchange, though he 
had an unpleasant suspicion, Adama continued, "Perhaps you could 
help us with our quest. You..._appear_ to be human. Mostly. Perhaps 
you can tell us something about what we seek. In exchange, we 
would be willing to give you any aid in returning through the...um..."
        "The swirly thing?" prompted Lister.
        "I believe the term 'time hole' would be a more 
accurate description, Mr. Lister, sir," interjected Kryten.
        Relieved to have a more scientific-sounding name for 
the swirly thing, Adama continued, "Yes, the time hole. Am I to 
presume, then, from that description that you have come from 
another time?"
         "Certainly a more fashionable time. Brown on tan? 
Silver on blue? If this is the height of fashion around here, I can 
see that you could sorely use my services!" answered Cat.
        "Actually, we appear to have come from...well...the 
future. And let me introduce myself and my <ahem> companions. I 
am Capt. A. J. Rimmer," with that, Rimmer straightened and 
saluted Adama with a bizarre series of arm motions that Adama 
wasn't quite able to catch. He glanced at Apollo, who rolled his 
eyes. The captain's look said, 'Unh-oh.'
        Rimmer continued unfazed with his introductions, 
"This mechanoid is Kryten, that," pointing to Cat, "is Cat, 
and this," nodding to Lister, "is Dave Lister. Now, you were saying 
something about a quest?"
        Adama nodded in acknowledgment of the introductions
and replied, "Yes, as a matter of fact. You see, we are looking for a 
planet known as Earth."
        "Why?" asked Lister. "I mean, it's a nice planet and all, 
and I'd give anything to go back. But you blokes don't really look 
like you'd fit in. I mean, you can't even stand curry!"
        Adama was stunned. They knew about Earth! At last, 
the answer to his prayers and the prayers of the fleet! "You know 
of Earth!"
        "Yeah! Sure I do. I was born there, after all. But why do 
you want to go there?"
        Hoping Lister was not a typical example of the 
denizens of Earth, Adama continued, "We need to find help in 
battling the enemy that pursues us. You see, our home planets were 
destroyed by our enemies, the Cylons, and our last hope is to turn 
to our sister world for aid. That world is Earth. Can you help us?"
        "Wait just a smegging minute. Did you say something 
about an enemy? Pursuing you? And you want us to lead you and 
that enemy back to earth? Do you think I've gone spare? I mean, I 
wanted to be famous and all, but as a musician, not as the git who 
led some nasty aliens to earth and got it destroyed," replied 
Lister.
        "Mr. David, sir, if I may interrupt. We don't know how 
far back in time the time hole has put us. It's possible that at this
time point, earth has the technology to defend itself against 
whatever these enemy beings are. Of course, it's also possible that
we're in the Middle Ages," Kryten said.
                  "Oh, great. Then we can launch a smegging Crusade 
against 'em, eh?" Lister asked sarcastically.
                  Unfazed, Kryten continued, "The point is, we don't know
what time point in earth's history is the present one. Until Holly
figures that out, we won't know whether it's safe to lead these
people to earth."
                 "I think you're both forgetting one eensy-weensy little
detail," Rimmer interrupted. "We don't know where the smeg we 
are! Holly couldn't find earth again if there were bright orange 
neon road signs from here to London!"


Praying They're Not of This Earth...
        "This is mine. This is mine. Ooooh. I like that one. 
That's mine, too. This is mine. That's mine...." On and on and on as 
Cat danced down the corridors spraying everything in sight with 
two hastily-produced pump bottles.
        "Can't you make him stop?" Apollo pleaded to Lister, 
the only seemingly sane one of the crew. And that wasn't saying 
much.
        Lister looked at Cat before looking back at Apollo and 
said, in all seriousness, "Ever tried to make a cat do anything 
before?" 
        Apollo had to admit to himself that he hadn't, mostly 
because he didn't know what a cat was. Instead, he steeled himself 
like the hero he was, tried his best to ignore Cat's antics since 
they seemed to be pretty harmless and prayed that the whole 
experience was some terrible dream.
        The captain had been roped into escorting their guests 
to the Life Center. His father's official excuse was that he wanted 
to make sure they were healthy, but Apollo suspected that his 
father was actually hoping that the medical scans would prove 
that the crew was not human. Of course, Kryten and Rimmer were 
obviously not human by any standards, but Cat and Lister...Apollo 
shuddered to finish the thought.
        He remembered the hastily whispered conference in the 
landing bay after Lister's stunning, almost casual revelation that 
he was from Earth. While the quartet drank in their busy 
surroundings, the commander actually dragged his son over to a far 
corner of the landing bay and ordered him to escort the Red Dwarf 
crew over to Life Center.
        "Why me? can't you get someone else to..."
        "You and Starbuck invited them aboard, you and 
Starbuck get to watch them and make sure they don't do something 
to put us all in danger," Adama ordered. He sighed, "How do you two 
manage to get into so much trouble?" And with that, Apollo and 
company were sent on their way.

        Meanwhile, Starbuck had just finished 
undergoing the last of his treatments. His headache was gone, his 
mood was remarkably improved and he was starting to believe that 
maybe he'd bee just a little too hard on Apollo.
        It also helped that Cassiopea was showering him with 
attention, probably in an effort to get him  to talk about how he 
managed to injure himself _this_ time. But he wasn't talking. Unh-
unh. No way. It was too embarrassing.
        "Well, all set," she said, putting the last of the medical 
instruments away. "Free to go. And Starbuck? Try avoiding getting 
yet _another_ concussion on a mission? I'm starting to think you 
do this to yourself on purpose just to have an excuse to see me 
while I'm on duty."
        Starbuck was about to answer when the Red Dwarf 
crew made their grand entrance with Apollo in tow. On seeing his 
buddy up and around, he fled to the lieutenant's side and 
whispered, "Thank the Lords of Kobol you haven't left yet. We have 
to babysit these guys."
        "What? No. Absolutely not. I refuse..."
        "No choice. My father's orders," Apollo said. He looked 
at Cat, who was now spraying half the Life Center with the bottles 
declaring it to be his, all his, before adding, "I have one nerve left. 
I think it's about to snap."
        Cat suddenly appeared out of nowhere, spraying and 
saying, "This is mine. This is mine. This one is mine..." upon 
reaching Starbuck and Apollo, he stopped. "Except you two. I don't 
want you two. They can keep you." He looked around, spotted a 
stunned Cassiopea and said, "YEAOOOW! That one can be mine!" 
Before Starbuck could protest the statement, he took off for the 
medtech's side.
        He was soon joined by his mates.
        The Boyz had, let's face it, not seen a living human 
woman in years. In the case of Rimmer and Lister, three million 
years, give or take a few years. In Cat's case, never. In Kryten's 
case, it wasn't that he _wanted_ a woman, it's just that he had a 
scientific interest in how the genders would interact. At least, 
that's what he told himself.
        The simple fact of the matter is, Cassiopea could've 
been 1,000 years-old, had hair growing out of her ears, a wart at 
the tip of her nose and no teeth and they probably would've reacted 
pretty much the same way. Pent-up hormones will do that to you. 
Granted, the response to her presence might not've been, well, so 
enthusiastic if she _wasn't_ a pretty blonde, but the fact is, she 
was. That just made the greetings a little bit more intense.
        Of course, Cat almost blew their chances at getting to 
know this vision. As if they had a blizzard's chance in hell to start 
with. "A potato sack? They put you in a potato sack? What did you 
do? Commit murder?"
        Overwhelmed by the sudden appearance of the 
strangest-looking humans she ever laid eyes on, Cassiopea issued 
a thoughtful, "What?"
        "That thing you're wearing!" Cat turned to the two 
warriors, who decided the better part of valor was to cower on the 
other side of the bed. "Get this woman some clothes! If we're going 
to get to know each other better, she's gonna need duds almost as 
fine as mine! YEAOOOW!"
        "'Ang on a minute, 'ang on a minute!" Lister interrupted. 
"For someone who's never actually seen a woman before, you're 
pretty sure that she'd want to get to know you better." He leaned 
over and said sweetly. "Pay no attention to him. Cat's harmless."
        "Harmless! I'm dangerous, dude. I'm so dangerous that I 
should be locked up and the key thrown away." Cat protested before 
turning back to Cassiopea. "So tell me, do you have an opening in 
your schedule, say, in 15 seconds?"
        "Seconds?" Cassiopea asked. She decided Cat probably 
_was_ dangerous, at least, the fangs looked dangerous.
        "No style. No style," Rimmer interrupted. He addressed 
Cassiopea. "Mademoiselle, tell me, s'il vous plait, how do you feel 
about an evening of l'amore, moonlight..."
         "That's it! Enough! Hands off!" Starbuck finally decided 
that he really didn't _need_ to see these creatures slobbering all 
over Cassiopea. In his hesitation to get to her side to protect her, 
he walked through Rimmer.
        "Cut that out!" Rimmer yelped. " I told you it's not 
polite to walk through a hologram!"
        "Stuff it Rimmer." Starbuck glared at the lot of them 
before issuing his final threat. "Back off! Now! Or I'll repay you for 
that meal!"
        "Oh, smeg," Lister remarked cheerfully. "Better do what 
he says, guys."
        The Boyz took a few steps back from the fuming 
Starbuck and the amused woman, but not so far back as to lose 
sight of her.
        "Hologram?" Cassiopea asked. She studied the letter in 
the middle of Rimmer's forehead a few moments before adding, 
"That must be what that symbol means."
        "Nope. Means smeghead," Lister volunteered.
        "They're here for medical scans. Just Lister and Cat. 
Kryten is a mechanoid and Rimmer is a hologram, so there's no 
need for them," Apollo announced in an effort to bring things under 
control. "Think you can perform the tests?"
        "Sure. No problem." Cassiopea flashed her best 
flirtatious smile. "This way, ummmmm, gentlemen."

                   As Lister and Cat followed Cassiopea into an adjoining 
room, Apollo dragged a distracted Starbuck to a corner. 
        "I don't _believe_ this. You'd think they'd never seen a 
woman before," Starbuck muttered. "I don't like the fact that 
Cassie's doing the tests. Maybe..."
        "Will you forget about that?" Apollo didn't need this. He 
needed to rely on his lieutenant to keep the quartet under control.
        "But..."
        "But, nothing. Cassiopea's perfectly capable of taking 
care of herself. She's dating you, isn't she? We've got other things 
to worry about."
        _That_ got Starbuck's attention, even though he knew 
he was going to regret it. "And those things are?"
        "Keeping them out of trouble."
        Starbuck looked over to Rimmer and Kryten, who 
seemed to be bickering over a piece of medical equipment in an 
effort to figure out what it was. The bickering was well on its 
way to a full-grown row, complete with personal insults and 
vague suggestions about Rimmer's parentage, or rather, the lack 
thereof. "Impossible," the lieutenant observed.
        "Then take them to the Officers Club. Get them talking. 
You might be able to find out more from them in an informal chat 
than they might be willing to tell in a full-blown interrogation," 
Apollo said.
        "Me?! What about you? Where are you gonna be?"
        Apollo hated himself for hiding behind his son, but he 
needed to get away from the lunatics visiting the ship. His nerves 
were very frayed and he needed a break. Besides, it was Starbuck's 
turn to watch them. "I need to spend some time with Boxey."
        "Since when?"
        "Since when what?"
        Starbuck took his shot. "Since when do you cut out on a 
mission just to spend time with Boxey. _You're_ the one who's 
always exhorting me to pay attention to my duties. Now you're just 
gonna cut out on me?"
        "We're not on a mission."
        "Oh, yes we are! We've got to babysit these guys until 
your father makes other arrangements. You are not leaving me 
alone with..."
        "Look, I haven't seen Boxey in days because we've been 
so tied up with patrols and then the swirly thing..."
        "Time hole," Starbuck corrected.
        "Whatever. And now this. I'm beginning to forget what 
he looks like," Apollo pleaded.
        Starbuck looked at Apollo. He mumbled something under 
his breath, probably a curse. He looked to heaven for guidance. The 
answer was never _really_ in doubt. "Fine. Just so long as you stay 
where _I_ can find you if I need you at a micron's notice. I'll take 
these guys to the Officers Club and see what I can..."
        The pair were interrupted by the sudden appearance of 
Rimmer. The hologram looked slightly uncomfortable. "Captain, 
lieutenant. I, ummmm, I, ahhhhh..."
        "Out with it," Apollo ordered wearily.
        "I need to get my light bee recharged on Starbug." 
Rimmer's words came out all in a rush.
        "So?" Starbuck asked.
        "If I don't recharge, I'll fade out. Cease to exist. It'll 
only take about a few hours or so," Rimmer explained.
        "Fine, fine," Apollo said. "I'll get someone to..."
        "That won't be necessary," Rimmer said hastily. "I can 
remember how to get to Starbug and when I'm done, I'll just come 
back here."
        "We won't be here. We'll probably..." Starbuck began.
        "Well if you aren't, I'll get that nice nurse to take me."
        "Good idea!" Apollo said before Starbuck could protest. 
"But I still think I should send someone to go with you."
        "I'd really rather you not," Rimmer said.
        "Why?" Starbuck didn't know why, but he was 
suspicious. He smelled a con, but he really couldn't fathom what it 
was or why Rimmer was trying to con them.
        "Well, you see, it's, ummm, rather embarrassing and 
_very_ personal," Rimmer explained. He leaned in and whispered, 
"The charge cable has to be attached to a _very_ sensitive and 
personal part of my anatomy. Being men, I think you understand."
        Apollo and Starbuck took a step back out of 
embarrassment and grimaced in sympathy. 
        "Go! Go!" Apollo practically shouted. "Just finish up as 
quick as you can. I'll walk you as far as the landing bay since I 
have, ummm, other business to attend to." Apollo turned to 
Starbuck and added, "Inform me when my father wants to speak to 
us.  I'll be in my quarters."   

End part 2