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R O M A N A   ' N   D A V E	An Unauthorized Doctor Who/LATE NIGHT
---------------------------	Parody featuring characters originally
#2    Written by Tom Golden	portrayed by Lalla Ward and David Letterman
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		'DAVE MEETS THE BLACK AND WHITE GUARDIANS'

	       (AN UNEARTHLY JOKE / THE WAD OF GUM, Part 2)

OUR STORY SO FAR:  Dave accidentally causes Romana's new Tardis to 
materialize on planet Thertirok IV-H.  Romana checks out the surroundings, 
only to be chased back into the Tardis by a guest monster hand (played by 
Paul Schaffer).  Dave serves fish sticks and jellybabies for dinner.

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SCENE 1:  CONTROL ROOM, THE NEXT MORNING

Romana is busily pulling out and replacing burnt-out circuit boards from
the control console...

DAVE		(Entering the control room, yawns)  Y'know, this Tardis of
		yours would be a whole lot nicer if there were signs 
		pointing to where the can is.  I must have spent half the 
		night looking for it.

ROMANA		(Uncomfortably) Male humanoid... hmmm... Down the main 
		corridor, once to the left, once to the right, then two 
		more lefts and another right -- I presume you found it?

DAVE		LEFT off the main corridor?  I went right, right, left, 
		left, left, then kind of diagonally and then left...the 
		room LOOKED like a bathroom...

ROMANA		Oh NO, the ZERO ROOM!

DAVE		Well I guess it's the ONE and TWO room now...(grins 
		sheepishly) sorry.

ROMANA		I guess I'll just have to jettison it from the architectural
		configuration... (sigh) is there no end to your madness?

DAVE		What did you say?

ROMANA		I said, 'Is there no mending this Tardis?'  We burnt out 
		a lot of circuitry when we dematerialized so suddenly.  
		We're stuck here until I can make repairs.

DAVE		Stuck?  I have tickets to a Knicks game tonight!  They cost
		a FORTUNE and I'm not about to miss it!

ROMANA		Don't worry...I can get you there on time, and then after 
		the game is over I can get you there again and you can 
		watch from the other side, Blinovich willing.  OK?

DAVE		Really?  I think I could get used to travelling around in 
		this crate if we can do that.

ROMANA		(to herself) but can New York handle TWO of him, I wonder?

Looking bored, Dave takes a handy pencil and fingers it...and then looks
mischeviously at the viewscreen...

DAVE		Hmmm...wonder what kind of sound it'd make...naah, I'm in
		enough trouble already.  Hee hee hee hee--

Suddenly, with a clap of thunder, two figures appear on the viewscreen --
The BLACK and WHITE GUARDIANS!

DAVE		Hey, Romana -- look at the two geeks on the screen!

ROMANA		What?  OH!  David, they are not...'geeks'...they are the
		Black and White Guardians...you should be more respectful...

DAVE		Sounds like a security service for police cars.  Who are 
		these guys?

WHITE GUARDIAN	ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR...We bid you GREETINGS and 
		FELICITATIONS.  What means GEEK?

ROMANA		(To guardians) It is a term of the highest respect.  
		P-p-please don't mind David, he's a little eccentric.  He 
		goes on like this for hours at times.  David, these beings 
		are the supreme forces for good and evil in this universe.  
		Now, be a good companion ... and ... say ... HELLO.

DAVE		Oh, you mean like Batman and the Joker.  Hey, I think the 
		White Guardian is...yes, folks, it's really Chris Elliott!

WHITE GUARDIAN	(whispers) Shut up Dave, you'll ruin the sketch...Marv 
		Albert is the Black Guardian, OK?  Don't be a jerk -- 
		follow the program, OK?

DAVE		Hee hee hee hee hee...Okay, Chris, I mean Mr. White 
		Guardian, hee hee hee...hello, it is, and I mean this 
		sincerely, it is an HONOR and a privilege to meet you.

WHITE GUARDIAN	(Elliott's most pompous tone)  Why thank you, young man.  
		I must say, you haven't been much of a force for good, have
		you.  Do you have anything to say for yourself?  Perhaps 
		something like, 'I'm sorry for not giving Chris Elliot 
		more time on my show'?

DAVE		Hee hee hee hee Well, I just don't know what to say... I--

BLACK GUARDIAN	YESSSSS! Wait! I think that I must point out that he hasn't 
		done much to serve me either.  In fact, he's been mostly a 
		waste of good protoplasm for most of his life.  I have an 
		idea...YESSS!  Why don't I just fix the space between his 
		teeth and then no one will be compelled to stare transfixed 
		at him anymore...YESSS!

DAVE		You mean I wouldn't be able to, like, STARE directly into 
		the camera and say something like 'I...AM...DAVE...
		LETTERMAN,...AND YOU...WILL...OBEY...*ME*' and people won't 
		watch my show anymore?

WHITE GUARDIAN	(Ignoring Dave)  We don't have time...remember, YOU locked 
		the Key to Time in a parallel universe, and now we have to 
		find the Locksmith Guardian...

DAVE		The supreme force for Shlage in the universe?

WHITE GUARDIAN	No, Yale.  Just stick to the script, Dave...OK?

DAVE		Hee hee hee...Y'know, Guardians,  I hear that there's a
		football game between the 49ers and 5 other teams at the 
		same time -- and I hear that NBC's looking to sign Brent 
		Musberger to cover it.  I'm just about ready to put it on 
		the viewscreen...would you like to watch?

BLACK GUARDIAN	(hurriedly)  If you'll excuse me, I have some other 
		obligationssss... YESSSSS..... 

The Black Guardian disappears from the viewscreen to the sounds of a
football crowd enthusiastically cheering a field goal...

DAVE		I knew Marv'd fall for that one...

WHITE GUARDIAN	Your companion is much brighter than he looks.  But then 
		again, most asteroids are brighter than he looks.

ROMANA		(whispering to Dave)  You are too lucky for your own good.
		Don't you get it?  These Guardians can alter time so you
		NEVER existed!

DAVE		(whispering to Romana)  If I never existed, then Chris 
		Elliot would still be a taxi driver in Manhattan, whining 
		'I'm Bob and Ray's son!  I'm Bob and Ray's Son' all the --

WHITE GUARDIAN	SILENCE!  ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR, the Key to Time is locked 
		in a parallel universe, and I want YOU to search for the 
		Locksmith Guardian.  I'll pick up the tab, of course.  All 
		you need do is find him and I can do the rest.  You will 
		find what you need to complete the task on this planet.  
		Do you have any questions?

DAVE		Yeah, I want to know why you took the job on 'Nick and 
		Hillary' a while back.  I mean, that show just stank up 
		the place.  NBC actually got the first negative share in 
		ratings history with that turkey.

WHITE GUARDIAN	(as Chris Elliott) Dave, for the LAST time, shut UP and 
		stick to the SCRIPT -- or I'll have to TOAST you with my 
		White Guardian Powers.

ROMANA		Regardless of who you think he is, David, I suggest you 
		listen to what he says -- I know what he is capable of.

DAVE		Ok, ok.  But you promise to let me smoke a cigar in the 
		control room.  Deal?

ROMANA		(Hesitates) Deal. (to herself) And I thought the Doctor 
		was out of control.  I wish I hadn't left K-9 with Biroc!

DAVE		Biroc?  Oh, you mean the guy who looks like Vincent on 
		Beauty and the Beast?  Yeah, I never saw anyone actually 
		dump Kal Kan on a plate and eat it with a fork and some 
		white wine before!  By candlelight, no less!

ROMANA		Look!  The White Guardian has disappeared!

DAVE		Yeah, probably to do another book tour.  Well, it looks 
		like it's time to go down the hall, or rather outside.  
		Shall we?

ROMANA		I think that would be a good idea.

SCENE 2:  A DARK FOREST

Romana and Dave venture outside the Tardis, which looks like a 7 foot tall
gray box.  The Tardis is in a small clearing, surrounded by a dark forest.
As they close the door and step away, the box begins to glow and change
shape...

DAVE		Hey, what's it doing?

ROMANA		The Tardis is activating its chameleon circuit -- to blend 
		in with its surroundings.  And mine actually works, too.

DAVE		But it's not quite blending in, is it...it looks like --

ROMANA		Like a seven-foot-tall --

DAVE		Yep, it's a fire hydrant.

ROMANA		I should NEVER have trusted K-9 to correctly remember how 
		to build a chameleon circuit.  Oh well, nothing we can do 
		now... we're off...

DAVE		Y'know, Romana, TARDIS is a really dumb word...it sounds 
		like the stuff you get on your teeth...'Ummm, we're going 
		to scrape all the TARDIS off your teeth now', or 'Chewing 
		CRUNCHY-BONE Dog Biscuits will remove stubborn TARDIS off 
		of your dog's teeth.'	Hee hee hee he he --

ROMANA		David, DO shut up and let's go...

DAVE		(Voice fading as they walk into the forest)  Well, YES 
		MA'AM, your Time Ladyship... You know, I think I ought 
		to check the air in your ego next time we're near a 
		service station...it's just a leeeeetle bit over-inflated...

NEXT TIME:  THE LETTERMAN FACTOR
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(C) 1990 by Thomas H. Golden, Jr., all rights reserved.

'Romana 'n Dave' is a satire, and by its nature must refer to certain char-
acters, places and things which are copyrighted by or are trademarks of the 
National Broadcasting Company, BBC Enterprises, or other persons or entities.
No permission or endorsement by those entities should be construed.  This 
work may be distributed on condition that it MUST be intact as provided by 
the author, including this copyright notice, and that it MUST NOT be dis-
tributed for profit.
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Internet address: tgolden@cup.portal.com