A COMPLETE GUIDE TO NASAL LOVEMAKING
                                 
                                    By: Strange Boy
                            
                                      April, 1992
   
    
      Nasal Sex: The very words can conjure fascinating (and horrific)
   images in one's mind. As joked about as it may be, nasal sex is an 
   honorable (and enjoyable) pastime. However, very few in recent memory 
   have attempted this art form, condemming it to a graveyard of 
   horrible comic books and failed punchlines. In this age of AIDS, the 
   thought of a nosebleed during nasal intercourse may frighten you
   to the point of abstinence. You should not be frightened thus. With a
   few proper precautions, such as the application of a condom, you and 
   your partner may fully enjoy the experience and joy of safe nasal sex.
   What thought is as erotic as the one of a 14" phallus projecting into
   the huge, moist nostrils of a diva such as Barbera Streisand? None that
   come readily to MY mind. With that note out of the way, let's explore
   this much-maligned pleasure.

:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:)STEP ONE: FOREPLAY(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:

      This is obviously very important, as it is a rare partner indeed who
   will participate in such a voodoo thing as nose penetration with no
   objections. But by following this handy guide, you should be able to
   have a willing and ready partner, ready to share in and enjoy the 
   experience:

   1) Get your partner alone, and make sure he/she is horny as hell.
   
   2) Once alone with your partner, compliment him/her on what BIG,
   BEAUTIFUL nostrils they have. (If you plan to be on the recieving end,
   refer subtly to the "Extra Opportunities" open to people with big noses
   and those who date them).
   
   3) Commence a back, neck, or body rub with your partner, fondling their 
   various fleshy areas. Kiss your partner gently on various parts of their
   body, finally coming to the mouth. After spending a few minutes sucking
   your partner's face, make the great leap: With a deft, sexy motion, slip
   your tongue into their nasal cavity. Your partner's reaction may be one
   of revulsion (or extreme amusement). If so, calm them down and just say
   that good things are to come. Continue to keep the tongue in motion
   inside the nose, going deeper and deeper, until your partner begins to 
   moan in anticipation. He/She is ready. (If you are to be the recieving
   end, after you've licked your partner to passion, then have them lick
   your nose out. Then proceed).

:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:)(:):(:)STEP TWO: LUBRICATION(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):

      By the time you are ready to apply lubrication for the impending
   act, you and/or your partner's nose has already been moderately
   lubricated with its natural lubricants (snot, phlegm, and saliva).
   However, a project of the magnitute of fitting a full-sized penis
   into a hole rarely larger than a dime usually needs a bit of practical
   help. Read: Lubrication. So follow these easy steps:

   1) Get a container of your favorite high-velocity lubricant (vaseline,
   surfboard wax, etc) and put a liberal portion on your index and middle
   fingers.

   2) With a gentle, snaking yet forward motion, angle the two fingers
   into yours or your partner's nostrils. Gently work the fingers around
   inside, coating every clear spot with your lubricant of choice.

   3) Lovingly remove your fingers, lingering over sensitive nasal spots
   such as the sinus spots. The nose is ready for penetration.

(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:)STEP THREE: PENETRATION(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):                           
    
      Now you are ready for the beginning of the real fun. You and/or your
   partner's nose has been adequetely prepared and excited by the sinus
   foreplay and is open for invasion by the penis. So now you begin your
   `Move':

   1) Go into a position comfortable for both of you. The oft-prefered nasal
   position is the missionary, much like the conventional sexual position,
   in which the recieving end lies on his/her back, and the other partner,
   in a crouched sitting position, inserts the penis into the nasal cavity.
   Other popular positions include the kneeling position, the upside-down
   position, and the difficult positions such as the "Durante" and "Danny
   Thomas" postions. These are not for the amateur, so watch out! Several
   lung collapses have resulted from the "Danny", and Hallucinations of
   Hollywood's glorious past have been associated with the rush of euphoria
   from the "Durante" position, resulting in delusions of grandeur and
   subsequent rejection of your partner. Let the thrillseeker beware!

   2) Take it slowly at first, as it is unlikely that your partner is
   used to this sort of action. This will allow the nostrils to enlarge
   naturally. However, for two experienced partners, this is fully a
   matter of taste and choice. The Sky's the limit!

   3) Try to sustain for awhile to ensure continued pleasure for both.
   The novice will probably experience the problems of either premature
   ejaculation or failure to come at all. Well, premature ejaculation will
   probably subside after the first few times, and failure to come could
   work to your advantage, prolonging the experience. If these problems
   persist, however, I reccomend a psychiatrist or some self-help books.
   That should help you.

   4) When you cum, it is important to take your partner's wishes in 
   consideration. Many people may not like having a huge stream of semen
   shot into their sinuses, so you must decide whether to pull out or not.
   After all, the sight of someone blowing their nose and your cum coming
   out may turn you off. But some people, especially speed addicts and
   others who like snorting things through their nose, may enjoy it.
   It's all a matter of taste.

   5) In the aftermath, you may want to compliment your partner on what a
   nice larynx or tonsils she has, or how you felt the world move (cigarette
   optional). The recieving end may have had a rather intense sinus orgasm
   as well, so she/he probably had as good a time as the other partner.

:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:)ALTERNATIVES(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):(:):


      Of course, there are many other ways people enjoy nasal penetration.
   For instance, one may enjoy masturbation with a standard or vibrating
   dildo, or even a simple finger inserted manually. Kids everywhere do
   this innocent childhood action, described as "nose-picking", but we
   know better, don't we? If you wake up one morning with your finger in
   your nose or in your bed-partner's nose, you may have had a "Phlegm
   Dream", which is completely natural. Other alternatives include
   mutual nose masturbation, or use of a Groucho Marx nose in creative
   ways.
      
      For those who feel nasally inadequete, nasal extendors should be 
   available soon due to high demand. These miracle devices are placed
   into the nostril and then pressed on to create the expansion effect.
   If your nose doesn't explode, this should ensure a much expanded and
   loosened nose. But remember: It isn't the size of the nosrils that
   counts, it's how you flare them. Or something like that...

      We offer no moral judgements, as we feel it is your right to do
   what you please in the privacy of your own home. The techinques described
   within have livened many a dying marrige thru a new method of pleasure
   which both can enjoy. Happy probing!


                                 With thanks to "Big Nose Annie"