Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!hobbes.physics.uiowa.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!ub!acsu.buffalo.edu!ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu!v122kzkw
From: v122kzkw@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (A FROOD WHO SURE KNOWS WHERE HIS TOWEL IS)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: parody- 2002: The next Odyssey
Message-ID: <1992Apr5.191405.8974@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Date: 5 Apr 92 20:13:00 GMT
Sender: usenet@acsu.buffalo.edu
Organization: University at Buffalo
Lines: 161
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41
Nntp-Posting-Host: ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu

Greetings all!
Ok, I've bothered the people on this board enough times to post and repost
parodies of stories. Well, I figured it was high time I wrote a parody of my
own to share with everyone here. Before I post it, I would just like to thank
TAB129@psuvm and his friends down there for the moral support. It'll be in two
parts with the second part to be posted in a day or two. All friendly Email
replys are welcome!
T.
(not *T*, the other T.)
--------------------------------begin parody------------------------------------

			2002: The Next Odyssey

Picard: Captain's Log Stardate 3456.7. We are doing a routine search of the 
Eingeweide system. Our scanners have picked up some unusual magnetic
harmonics on the moon of the fourth planet.

Picard: Mr. Data. What do you see?

Data: Well - I spy with my eye, something that...

Picard: Mr. Data! On the moon!

Data: Oh, sorry sir. Sensors indicate that the harmonic pattern is pointing 
to a direction in the sky. Specifically, an uncharted part of the galaxy.

Worf: Captain, recommend we raise shields and destroy the moon.

Captain: Why?

Worf: Well, it'd give me something to do sir.

Captain: Not yet Worf. We have to find out where that signal is going and what
it says. When we come back you can destroy it.

Worf: Thank you sir.

Captain: Mr. Crusher, lay in a course to follow that signal. Warp 5. Engage.

Riker: Mr. Crusher, can you use the Universal decoder on the message?

Wesley: No need to sir. I already translated it by hand into 15 different 
languages. I am a self proclaimed genius ya know.

Everyone: Shut up!

Picard: Well, what's it say?

Wesley: It's from some sort of life form that has been monitoring this sector.

Picard: Ah, thank you. Number one, will you join me?

Riker: Sir?

Picard: I need help finding the head.

Riker: Yes sir. Data, you have the bridge.

Data: Thank you sir. Wesley, would you like to continue your driving lesson 
now?

Wesley: Sure thing!

Data: Ok, now then sit here. Now today, I want you to practice doing turns. 
Do you remember what to do?

Wesley: Yes sir. First I signal to turn by pressing this button (hits button,
show exterior of ship. Show the warp nacelle blinking. Go to interior) Then I
press this one here...

Data: No, that is the wrong button. That sep... (exterior shot of ship 
separating) ...erates the ship. Why not let me take over for a while? That is
better. Data to captain, we are at the designated coordinates

Picard voice: Good, what do our sensors pick up?

Data: Sensors indicate a large object floating in the middle of nowhere.

Picard voice: What are it's dimensions?

Data: 8 by 8 by 8. A perfect cube. Sir, I'm afraid we have discovered the Borg!

Picard voice: Righty ho, be right there.

Commercial: Having problems getting cash quick? Do you find that your bills are
starting to pile up quickly? Well come to the Congressional House Bank. Yes you
too can bounce checks like the best of them, and get no penalties! Sound like 
an offer too good to be true? Well listen on, there's more! We've said we were
closing the bank. That's just a ploy to fool the American public. In actuality
we're expanding! Now we're giving out low percentage loans for those looking to
buy a house in their district, so as to look interested in their job. You say
you want in? Ok, just run against your congressperson saying how bad he or she
was with bouncing checks. You'll get the job in no time. So start today and 
screw tax money out of the tax payers in your district!

Picard and Riker walk onto bridge, look at the viewscreen and continue on to
the ready room.

Picard: Number one, where's my head buffer? I want to look good if the Borg
want to kidnap me.

Riker: Don't you think we have bigger fish to fry right now?

Picard: Fish? Fry? Right! Computer, two fish frys, hot! (Computer sound of 
making fish)

Riker: No, I mean with the Borg out there and all.

Picard: (while starting to eat) Well, as far as I'm concerned, they can make 
their own fish.

Riker: Let me put it this way. Don't you think we should be out there, on the 
bridge, defending our...

Data Voice: Captain, I think you should see this.

Picard: On our way.

Scene of Bridge. Viewscreen has Borgship on. A second after Picard and Riker
enter, scene of inside Borgship appears, with Borgified movie celebrities.

Data: My God, it's full of stars!

Everyone: Shut up!

Worf: Message for you sir! (grabs chest and falls)

Commercial: Do you like to cook? Do you like to chop celery, make cloe slaw,
cut down a forest? Well introducing the Ginsu 5000 powersaw! Yes, it slices,
it dices, it cuts, it chops, it does things we can't describe on television.
It'll chop tomatoes, cut through leather, chop a house in half and still be as
sharp as the day you bought it. The Ginsu 5000 is the only culinary power tool
you'll ever need. And if you order now, we'll throw in, absolutely free, this 
cake froster, which doubles as a power sander. How much would you expect to pay
for this? Way too much! Send all your money to, I-was-born-a-loser, P.O. Box
111 New York, New York 10101 or call 1-800-I-m-s-u-c-k-e-r.

Borg Voice: Hello, I'm the H-E-L-L 6660 series Borg computer. Just after I 
killed the crew of the Discovery, this Borg ship assimilated me, and now with
the help of the monolith, we go around and assimilate everything for our 
galactic zoo. You are to be next.

Picard: Hmmm - I don't think I'll like that. Will I still be able to recite
Shakespeare?

Borg Voice: Shakespeare is irrelavent!

Laforge: I somehow knew that was comming.

Troi: I thought I was the only one with empathic abilities. 

Laforge: If that's the case, what's gonna happen in the next part?

Everyone: Hunh?

Announcer voice: Will the Enterprise be saved? Find out on the next new, not
entirely exciting episode of Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaar Trek!

Worf: Where is that comming from? Permission to shoot at the voice sir. 

Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!sol.ctr.columbia.edu!spool.mu.edu!yale.edu!jvnc.net!rutgers!ub!acsu.buffalo.edu!ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu!v122kzkw
From: v122kzkw@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (A FROOD WHO SURE KNOWS WHERE HIS TOWEL IS)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: 2002: the next Odyssey part 2
Message-ID: <1992Apr8.000417.17273@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Date: 8 Apr 92 01:03:00 GMT
Article-I.D.: acsu.1992Apr8.000417.17273
Sender: usenet@acsu.buffalo.edu
Organization: University at Buffalo
Lines: 185
News-Software: VAX/VMS VNEWS 1.41
Nntp-Posting-Host: ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu

Greetings,
Just like the header says, this is part two.
Email compliments are always welcome.
Enjoy!
T.
(I am considering writing another parody - just be warned)
-------------------------------begin part two-----------------------------------
And now the next part of 2002: The Next Odyssey

(Scene of Bridge. Viewscreen has the inside of the Borg ship)
Borg voice: We will begin assimilating you.

Picard: (to Riker) I got me an idea. (to Borg) Uh, excuse me, Mr. Hell,
before you do, can we have a little group pop on over and examine your 
ship?

Borg voice: Hmm, well, the place is a mess really.

Picard: Don't worry, we just want to use your bathrooms. Silly Engineers
forgot to put them on our ship.

Borg voice: Ok, but nooo tricky stuff!

Picard: We wouldn't even think of it. Picard out! Geordi, find all materials
related to the destruction of the Discovery. Number one, lead an away team
over there (Riker points to Worf, Data, and Geordi). Wesley, you're a genius,
find a way to make the food dispensers make some good Earl Grey tea. Troi...

Wesley: Yes sir. It'll be an hon...

Everyone: Shut Up!

Commercial: (Beautiful looking woman appears on the screen)
Hi. Are you lonely? Want to talk to someone? Have a question only a woman
can answer? I'd like to help, but I only filmed this commercial. When you call
1-900-I-M-L-O-N-E-L-Y, you'll actually be talking to people who look like this
(Flash a picture of T.V.'s Hazel, and a picture of Immelda Marcos). We'll 
charge you a ridiculous amount of money a minute, so you can get horny listen
ing to a bunch of old women listen to your perverted fantasies. Call 1-900-
I-M-L-O-N-E-L-Y. Call today!

(Borg ship. Four figures materialize on the ship. Riker is wearing Worf's
sash, Data's left arm and right leg have been switched, Worf is wearing
Geordi's Visor and Geordi is in typical Reading Rainbow clothes. They switch
back their stuff.)

The voice of Hell: Hello. Is Dave with you?

Riker: (looking up) Uh, no. Dave left before you were taken by the Borg. Don't
you remember. 

V. of Hell: I'm sorry, I forgot. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've detected
a fault in your spacecraft. It will go 100% failure in 72 hours.

Riker: We know about it. One of out bridge crew is learning how to drive. Would
you mind leaving us alone for a little while? We need to talk.

V. of Hell: Bye!

Riker: Geordi, any ideas?

Geordi: Well, before Dave left, he disconnected the brain. I think that's all
we have to do.

Data: I believe the brain center is this way.

Worf: Commander, permission to destroy the ship.

Riker: What, now?

Worf: Yeah, is there a problem?

Riker: We're sorta in it at the moment.

Worf: Oh yeah! Permission to destroy the ship when we leave.

Riker: Oh, I suppose.

Geordi: Commander, down this side passage - do you see what I see?

Riker: (moves toward Geordi, pulls out an air filter and puts it to his face)
Yeah, I should change this every 30,000 lightyears!

Geordi: That and the matre Borg. This must be the five star restaurant they've
assimilated.

Riker: Why would they do that?

Geordi: Hungry, I guess.

Data: Commander, I've found the brain control.

Picard voice: Number one, any progress?

Riker: (looking up) Yes sir. Data's found the brain of Hell.

Picard voice: No time for church chants! Disarm them and get the hell out of
there.

Riker: But sir, that's who we're trying to destory!

Picard voice: Who?

Riker: Hell!

Picard voice: What now?

Riker: That's who we're trying to kill!

Picard voice: Hunh? Look just destroy them come hell or high water!

Riker: Who's high water?

Picard voice: I don't know. Why do you bring it up?

Riker: I'm sick of this. Riker out! (to Data) Are we in yet?

Data: Just accessed it sir.

V. of Hell: What are you doing? I can't allow you to do this. (two Borg march
in. Geordi and Worf fire and kill them)

Riker: Everyone in! Data, lock us in.

Data: We're now sealed in sir. I do not know how long this will hold out.

Geordi: Commander, I think all we have to do is remove these glass looking
things (begins to remove them)

V. of Hell: Don't do that. Those are...my...higher functions. (Geordi starts
taking them out faster) Please... don't... I'm... loosing... my... mind.

Data: Tricorder indicates an energy backup sir.

V. of Hell: Would... you... like... me... to... sing... a... song?

Geordi: Yeah, can you sing Tutti Frutti?

V. of Hell: (ignoring request) Daisy... Daisy...

Worf: Commander, I must get out of here. Klingons *do not* like the pazoomqua.
Small spaces.

Riker: (Mockingly) Klingons don't like this - Klingons don't do that. Wimps!

Data: Commander, I advise we leave immediately. I believe the ship will self
destruct.

Riker: (hits communicator pin) O'Brien, get us back now!
(The four beam away)

V. of Hell: Ha! It fooled them! I think I'm gonna get me outta here for now.

Commercial: Jerry Brown says he's for the people, yet promises a flat tax of 
13% for everyone. Bill Clinton has high hopes and promises things he couldn't
fullfil in years. Pat Buchanan's grandfather owned a Nazi Concentration Camp.
And George Bush reneged on his campaign promise. You can't trust any of the 
candidates - until now! Presidential Candidate James Hickster. He's a people
person. He knows what it's like to be in the mud. He knows what a slug is.
James Hickster is a slug farmer and knows how hard the middle class is working
for it's hard earned buck. James Hickster wants to work for you. So, come 
primary day in your state, vote James Hickster, of the slug farmer party. Paid
for by the Elect James "I know what a slug is" Hickster committee.

(Scene of bridge. Away crew walks in and takes posts. Viewscreen has shot of 
Borgship leaving. Screen blinks to show the restaurant they saw.)

V. of Hell:I lied to you - haha. We'll meet again! (screen blinks off)

Picard: Good, maybe next time, there'll be more time to read Shakespeare and
drink some Earl Grey tea.

Wesley: Actually sir, while no one was paying attention, I beamed some nanites
over into their system. Thus doing my duty, once again, to save the ship yet...

Everyone: Shut Up!

Announcer: Will the Borg be back? Will Captain Picard ever spill Earl Grey tea
on that big book of Shakespeare? Will Wesley's head explode from all the 
knoledge stored in there? And will the Scarecrow ever get a brain? Find out on
the next semi unexciting episode of Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaar Trek!

Well, whaddya think sirs?