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Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!unix.cis.pitt.edu!krieger
From: krieger+@pitt.edu (William P Kreiger)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: Re: BarTrek II: The Sequel
Summary: Repost of Bar Trek
Message-ID: <199812@unix.cis.pitt.edu>
Date: 9 Dec 91 22:16:54 GMT
References: <91343.135606TAB129@psuvm.psu.edu> <1991Dec9.205040.29621@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu>
Sender: news@unix.cis.pitt.edu
Organization: CS Senior, University of Pittsburgh at Johnstown
Lines: 731
In article <1991Dec9.205040.29621@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu> tbm19061@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Thomas B MacIukenas) writes:
>I missed the first part of this parody. Could someone who has
>part one please E-mail me a copy?
>
> Thanx in advance,
>--
>__ ____ ____ ________ ___tbm19061@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu___________________________
> \_ _\ _ \ _ _ \ "Oh very clever Worf,
> \ \ \ \ \ \ \ eat any good books lately?" -Q
>______\__ \____\__\__\__\____________________________________________________
This is a repost of Bar Trek part one. I did not originally post
the story, but I had a copy of it in my directory and decided to
post it.
Enjoy
Bill
--
Welcome to the first ever parody concocted by Todd Bobenrieth and Tom Cusick.
It entails the adventures of the USS Enterprise with its new crew of the guys
from Cheers. Here is a list of which characters are which.
Picard...Frazier Crane
Riker....Sam Malone
Data.....Cliff Clavin
Worf.....Norm Peterson
Troi.....Rebecca
Beverly..Lillith
Q........Harry Anderson
Sela.....Diane Chambers
Geordie..Woody
Guinan...Carla
Daimon Bach..Robin Colcourt
And so begins the voyages of the bar...ah..starship Enterprise.
By the way...where you think commercials belong, imagine the logo
sequence coming on screen and the music played is the opening piano part of the
Cheers theme.
Fade into the all too familiar starfield that seems to be in every sector.
The USS Enterprise comes into view and the Captain logs his first entry.
Picard(voice only): Captain's Log Stardate 5193.5. I have just arrived aboard
this new Galaxy Class starship and am preparing to meet my
new crew. From what my old friend, the late Tasha Yar
told me, I am in for a big treat.
Cut to the bridge where we see Data endlessly chattering to Geordie in the
foreground, behind them to the left is Counciler Troi, who is chain smoking.
Commander Riker is sitting in the captain's chair, looking in a mirror and
fixing his hair.
Riker: So, today we finally meet our new captain.
Geordie: I've heard he is very dignified.
Data: Well, ah, Geordie. You know that the, ah, Captain graduated from
Starfleet Academy with a 3.987582 average. That is precisely, ah,
.192748 higher than the legendary Captain Kirk.
Riker: Mr. Data. I suggest for your sake that you round off your numbers when
the captain asks for them.
Data: Aye, sir.
Troi: Jean-Luc Picard, what the hell kind of name is that, anyway?
Data: It is from an obscure language known as, ah, French.
Picard(voice only): I beg your pardon?
Data(speaking really loud): I said, ITS FROM AN OBSCURE LANGUAGE KNOWN AS
FRENCH!!!
Picard: Thank you, Mr...Data is it?
Data: That is correct. It is name given to me by Dr. Noonian Soongh. It comes
from the, ah, Greek word Datum, which means...
Picard: Dammit, I know what it means!
Data is startled and quickly turns back to his control panel and pretends to be
concentrating on it.
Picard: I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Everyone at the same time says, "Ewwwww!"
Picard: And I will be your commanding officer. As Lt. Yar probably told you...
Riker: ...before she died...
Picard: ..Yes, before she died...
Riker smirks.
Picard: As I am sure she told you, I am a very expectant man.
Geordie: I didn't even know you were married.
Picard(losing his patience): Listen...I'll be in my ready room.
Picard stalks away to his ready room.
Geordie: Does he seem a bit...out of it to you?
Riker: Maybe a bit high strung...
Data: Could be sunspots.
Worf suddenly walks in from the turbolift with a mug of Romulan Ale.
Worf: Afternoon, everybody.
Crew: WORF!
Worf: Hi, guys.
Geordie: What's goin' down, Worf?
Worf: The rest of this Romulan Ale. (guzzles it)
Picard comes out of his ready room and notices Worf for the first time.
Picard: A KLINGON!!!!
Picard reaches for his phaser.
Riker: No, captain, he is one of the crewmembers.
Picard(looking at everyone) I knew that. I just wanted to test his reflexes.
Riker: Sure, Captain.
Picard returns to his chair and sits down. He looks over at Riker.
Picard: I take it you are Commander Riker.
Riker: You got it.
Picard(looks up to Data): And I know you, Mr. Data.
Data: But did you know that the Klingon Targ has a lifespan of approximately...
Picard: Enough, Data...
Data: Aye, Captain.
Picard: And you must be Geordie LaForge.
Geordie: Ok, then I will be.
Picard just sits there staring at Geordie, stunned. Picard looks to his left
and sees Troi opening up another pack of cigarettes.
Picard: Counciler Troi?
Troi jumps to her feet.
Troi: Yes, sir...thank you, hon..ahh...sir.
Picard puts his head down in his hands then looks back at Worf.
Picard: So, what is your name and position?
Worf: My name is Worf and I'm leaning against the railing, facing forward
Picard: Well, I'm sure I will get a chance to meet the rest of the crew
in later episodes. Anyway, what is our heading, Mr LaForge?
Geordie: I'm not sure, this console doesn't seem to be working.
Picard gets up, straightens his shirt and walks up to the console and
switches it on.
Geordie: Ohhhhhhhh...thanks, Captain.
Picard(sits down): Now, what is our current heading?
Geordie: Heading 321 Mark 1.
Picard: We are heading toward the Romulan Neutral Zone. Why are we going
there?
Data: If I may surmise, captain...?
Picard: If you can do it in 10 words or less.
Data thinks to himself as his pupils go back and forth.
Data: We..are...computer..locked..and...heading...to...the...Neutral...Zone.
Picard glares at him.
Picard: Number Twelve( I think that was Sam's Uniform Number), why is the
computer locked?
Riker: There has been a wave of crime aboard ships lately sir.
(Looks around, trying to find his mirror.)
Picard: oh.
Worf: Captain, we are slowing down...we are stopped.
Guess that means that I have time to get more Ale...
(Turns around and pulls on the tap coming out of the engineering
console.)
On the viewscreen, a cage appears around the ship.
A bright light flashes beside Worf and Q appears.
Q: Hello, people. I just wanted you to know that you are going to the Neutral
Zone.
Riker: Thanks for the hot tip.
Q: Well well well, what have we here. A wise guy?
Troi: Oh, you're way off.
Riker blows a kiss towards Troi.
Troi: Never in a million parsecs, Will.
Troi leaves the bridge and gets her dress caught in the turbolift.
Picard: Who are you and what do you want with my ship?
Q: Why, my name is Q of the famous Q Continuum. And as for your second
question, you are going to meet with an old friend of yours. I have
already seen to that.
Riker: Well, maybe we don't want to go there.
Q: Oh, pity. Well, you are going anyway. Does anyone know what time it is?
Data: It is precisely...
Crew: Shut up, Data. ( had to put it in somewhere since Wes is gone)
Q vanishes and Picard scratches his forehead.
Picard: Opinions, anyone?
Geordie: You could get a hair transplant.
Picard: Now from someone with a somewhat higher intellegence.
Riker: Hmmmmm....Data?
Data: No idea, Commander.
Troi walks back in from the turbolift. She obviously couldn't get it
to work. She sits back down beside Picard.
Picard: Counciler?
Troi is applying lipstick and as she turns to look at Picard it makes a line
along her cheek.
Troi: I sense great monetary value.
Picard: Are you saying he is rich?
Riker: She probably means my car down in ShuttleBay 3.
Troi sticks her tongue out at Will. He starts to get up to move toward her
but Picard stops him.
Worf: I think we should call it a day and head down to Ten Forward.
Picard: Well go ahead, you are relatively useless to me up here anyway.
Worf: Thank you, sir. Oh, and sir...if you see my pet Targ..be nice to him.
Worf goes over to the coat rack and puts on his coat, then exits through the
turbolift.
Picard: What the blazes is a Targ?
Riker: Its a...
Data: I think I can handle this one, Willie....
Riker sneers at Data.
Data: Captain, a Targ is a Klingon animal that closely resembles an Earth boar
except it has a large horn on its nose and its back is lined with sharp
points. If you would like, I could, ah...tell you the complete history
of the Targ as it relates to Cultural Events on the Klingon Homeworld.
Picard: No, that will be unneccessary...
Data: It's no problem, Johnny. Klingons have a vast history of...
Picard: Damn you...shut up, please!
Data: Hey, no problem, Captain, sir.
Crusher(over intercom): Captain Picard?
Picard: Beverly?
Crusher: Yes, it's Beverly Crusher.
Picard: Beverly, I've so missed you. It's been o'er a fortnight since we last
gazed into each others eyes.
At this point the crew is dozing off, with the exception of Riker, who is
moving closer to Troi.
Crusher: Jean-Luc, since we had parted I just wanted to tell you something so
desperately. You have a son.
Picard stands up and looks out into the blackness of space.
Picard: But, I thought you had married Jack Crusher.
Crusher: Well, obviously. Thus the name Beverly CRUSHER!
Riker sits on the armrest of Troi's chair and slowly puts his arm around her.
Picard: Now, Beverly...ah..Doctor Crusher...let's not get indepth with the
crew listening in.
Picard glances around the room to see that everyone is sleeping except for
Riker, who is looking down the front of Troi's uniform.
Picard(whispers): I'll be right down.
Picard tiptoes off the bridge and into the turbolift. Riker is slapped just as
the doors close.
Cut to Ten Forward where Worf is drinking down the last of his mug of beer.
Guinan: What, you gonna have another or sit there like a lump.
Worf: I think I'll sit here like a lump and have another.
Guinan retreats into the back room just as Data sits down beside Worf.
Data: Say, Worfy...what is new with you?
Worf: My bar tab has reached Warp Ten.
Data orders a glass of beer and when it arrives, he picks it up and looks at
Worf.
Data: Hey, Worfy, did you know that, ah, beer was originally used as an
ointment on, ah, Malkotia?
Worf: Golly, Data...I never knew that.
Data: Yeah, well, only us androids are privaledged with such information.
Worf raises his leg closest to Data and farts. Data loses his balance and falls
on the floor.
Cut to Sick Bay where Crusher is twidling her thumbs waiting for Picard to
arrive. The doors open and Picard enters.
Crusher: Well, Jean Luc, once again we see that your punctuality is equalled
only by your charm.
Picard: And you, doctor, are as always pleasing to hear as well as see.
Crusher: I suppose you are wondering why I said you had a son.
Picard: Gee, Beverly, the thought would never have crossed my mind had you
not brought it up.
Crusher: Then again you were never one for massive thought processes.
Crusher and Picard suddenly fall into each others arms and onto the floor.
Cut to the Holodeck. Riker is standing outside.
Riker: Computer...pattern Riker 1...
Computer(Casey Casem's voice): Pattern Riker 1 now complete, you may enter when
ready.
The doors slide open to reveal a luxurious bedroom. Riker steps in and the
doors close behind him.
Riker: Computer, create image of Deanna Troi...dressed in sleezy clothes.
A holographic image of Troi appears, dressed in a French Maid outfit.
Riker: Well, Deanna,it looks as though you decided to take me up on my offer.
Troi: Of course, Will. You know you are the only man for me.
Riker takes her into his arms.
Riker: How did I know she'd say that?
Cut to Ten Forward where Data is just getting back up off the floor.
Guinan: Bout time you get back up...customers had to step over you to get to
the bar.
Data: I'm, ah, sorry about that, Guiny. That was the first time I ever fell
down. It is sort of a new thing for me.
Picard(over intercom): Mr Data, report to the bridge, immediately.
The claxons start wailing away. We cut to the bridge where the crew is looking
at the viewscreen as Data comes in from the turbolift.
Data: Evening, everyone.
Crew: Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Worf comes in from the turbolift.
Crew: Worf!!!
Worf: Howdy.
Geordie: What took so long?
Worf: The creation of the universe, no doubt.
Picard: Silence, everyone. We seem to have some guests in our journey.
Data and Worf glance up at the viewsceen to see a Ferengi vessel, which is
on the starboard bow.
Worf: Khhesting Ferengi.
Data: Captain, that is a Ferengi ship.
Picard throws a log book at Data.
Picard: I know what it is, Mr. Data.
Data: But did you know that...
Crew: SHUT UP!!!!!
Data turns his stare to the floor as he sits down at ops.
Picard: Mr. Worf, open a hailing frequency to the ship.
Worf: Hailing frequency open, sir.
Picard: This is Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Federation starship Enterprise.
Daimon Bach(voice only): Ewwwwwwwww.
Picard: Why are you following us?
Bach(v.o.): Why should I tell you, hu-mon?
Picard: There might be a little money in it for you.
Daimon Bach's image appears on the viewscreen.
Bach: What kind of revenue are we referring to here? Denebian Coinage? Earth
Capitol? Klingon Apphrodesiac?
Picard: Well, how does a ten Earth dollars sound?
Bach: WHAT?!!!!!
Data: He said, HOW DOES TEN EARTH DOLLARS SOUND??????!!!!!!
Bach covers his ears and screams.
Bach: I heard what he said, I just don't believe he would make such a petty
offer. In fact, I wish to buy your ship. How much do you want for your...
En-ter-prise?
Riker: Daimon, I can tell you are a Ferengi of great power and influence...
can I have it if you buy it?
Picard: RIKER?!
Bach: Ahhhh, a little rivalry among your multitudes...I see.
Picard: Will, I'm going to make you tend the bar again if you don't wise up.
Riker slouches in his chair and folds his arms.
Bach: Well, Pee-card Captain, how does my offer sound?
Picard: Unacceptable...this is a Federation starship, it cannot be bought?
Riker: How much would you give us for Counciler Troi here. (gestures to her)
Troi gets a shocked look on her face.
Bach: Your counciler is quite pleasant to look at. I will give you 500 credits.
Riker: Captain, we could get that Nintendo Super Special System we have been
wanting.
Troi almost bursts in anger.
Picard(pauses to consider): Ahhhhhh. No, we cannot sell Deanna.
Troi: Thank you, sweetheart...ahhh...Captain.
Riker smirks.
Bach: I am going to be straight with you, hu-mon. It seems that I have been
caught in some sort of tractor beam and I cannot seem to get free. I need
your help.
Riker: Hey...guess what!!!
Picard starts slapping him about the head and shoulders.
Bach: So, you are caught in it too.
Picard: I never said that...oh, what's the use...yes, we are caught in it as
well.
Bach: Perhaps if some revenue were involved, we could (gasp!) strike a bargain.
Picard: Hey, we don't have any other women important enough to give to you...
Now we have a flashback scene...
Crusher: Well, Jean-Luc, once again we see that your punctuality is equalled
only by your charm.
Crusher: Then again you were never one for massive thought processes.
We come back to live action.
Picard: You know, Daimon...we just might have something for you.
Bach: ohhhhh?
We cut down to Sick Bay where Lillith is sporting a new, awful hair style.
Picard: Beverly, I was....(gazes in horror)
Crusher: How do you like my hair, dearest?
Picard: It's....(supresses laughter) different.
Crusher: But do you like it?
Picard: Umm....(snorts) Yes...
Crusher: Good. I intend to wear this new look for at least three episodes...
Picard: Ummmm....splendid...(points behind Beverly) What's that machine doing?
Crusher looks behind her. Picard starts silently laughing to himself.
Crusher: That, my dear, is a Neutronic Polar Isolinear Flip Flop Override
Device...it calculates the brain frequencies of patients who don't
like having that enourmous bowl put over their heads.
Picard stops laughing and straightens up just as Crusher turns back to him.
Picard: I came down here to ask you if you would do me a favor, Beverly.
Crusher: I suppose anything for my love mate.
Picard: Thank you, kitten. I need you to beam over to the Ferengi ship. There
are....casualties that they are unequipped to deal with.
Crusher: I will grudgingly accept this meager task in an innate hope that I can
serve you, Jean-Luc.
Picard: Good..be prepared to beam over immediately. Meet me in transporter room
three.
Crusher: Yes, my love. I shall not disappoint thee.
Crusher walks out and Picard falls to the floor in hysterics.
Cut to Main Bridge where Riker is pulling Troi's hair.
Troi: Cut it out, Will. That's not very funny.
Riker: I tell you, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your head..I
have to get it out.
Data: Hey, ah, Willie, I did not see a multi-legged...
Riker throws his phasor at Data, who ducks and hits his head on the control
board.
Geordie: I wonder what's taking the Captain so long.
Worf: Yeah, this tap is running out.
Worf fills his mug again and quickly drinks it down.
Picard: I am back.
The crew boos and hisses him.
Picard: Thank you, my faithful and loyal crew.
Bach: Well, hu-mon. I am waiting.
Picard: We are preparing for her beam over right now.
Bach: Very good, Pee-card Captain, beam her directly to the bridge.
Picard: As you wish, Daimon....?
Bach: Bach!
Riker: Balk? There isn't even anyone on base!!!
Geordie: I didn't even know there was a game on.
Geordie punches in a code and the viewscreen shifts to an overhead view of
Fenway where the RedSox are playing the Yankees.
Picard: Put that back.
Riker: Wait, I want to see who is winning.
Picard: NOW!!!
Geordie returns the viewscreen to a view of Bach, who is sifting through his
credit cards.
Picard: Bach!
Computer(Casey Casem): You got it, Captain, sir.
A selection from Bach plays over the intercom.
Picard: Computer, stop playing that damn music.
Data: Well, you know, Johnny...Bach was originally from...
Worf phasers Data, who falls on the floor.
Picard: Thank you, Mr. Worf.
Worf belches in acknowledgement.
Bach: Are you prepared to send us your gift?
Picard: One moment, Daimon Bach.... Beverly, are you ready to beam over?
Crusher(voice only): Yes, Captain. I have completed my survival pack.
Picard: Good...beam over on my mark. Bach, here she comes... energize.
Crusher materializes aboard the Ferengi bridge off viewscreen. Bach looks
at her and screeches in shock.
Bach: What kind of trick is this???!!!!
Picard: That is your gift, Daimon Bach...I hope you enjoy her.
Crusher: What do you mean GIFT, Jean-Luc? Get me off this infernal ship. I want
to come back to your loving arms and give you the bounty of my lust.
Bach: You will pay for this, Pee-card!!!
Suddenly the viewer switches to an external shot of the Ferengi ship warping
away.
Riker: Hey, how did they do that?
Picard: Number Twelve, you have been out here for this long and you don't even
know about warp drive?
Riker: Yes, big guy, but they were in the same tractor beam as us...
Picard: Oh, yeah...Mr. LaForge...where are we?
Geordie: Out here in space somewhere.
Picard(sighs): Mr. Data, could you expand on that?
Data: Why, sure thing, Cap'n sir. We appear to be well withing the Romulan
Zone.
On the viewscreen, five Romulan warbirds decloak.
Picard: Mr. Worf, raise shields.
Worf looks around on his control panel. After a few seconds he finally presses
the button activating the shields.
Picard: Open hailing frequencies.
Worf: Opened, sir.
Picard: This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
Romulan voice: Ewwwwwwwww.
Picard: We have been brought in the Neutral Zone by an being called Q...
Rom: Save your breath, Captain...we know you have come here to attack the
Empire.
Picard: That is not so. Put your image on the viewscreen. Show yourself.
The viewscreen switches to a shot of the Romulan bridge where, standing in the
foreground, is a blonde Romulan female.
Picard(stands up slowly): Diane..urr...Tasha....
We switch back to the view of the Romulan Commander and the words...
TO BE CONTINUED... appear on the screen.
Well, thats the end of part one...I hope you enjoyed it..please e-mail me
with your thoughts and opinions, or post them so all can see. Thank you for
reading. I will post part two whenever I finish it.
Later.
***********************************************************************
* * *
* * Todd A. Bobenrieth *
* But I am mortal. How can * We are strong. We have weapons. *
* I prove it to you? * TAB129@PSUVM.psu.edu *
* -Q * *
* * *
* Die. * Leiben Sie lang und gedeihen. *
* -Worf * *
***********************************************************************