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From: v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu (sandra guzdek)
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Subject: repost, part 1, bizarre trek (new! easier to read!).
Message-ID: <1992Mar28.173439.14078@acsu.buffalo.edu>
Date: 28 Mar 92 17:36:00 GMT
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i'm reposting part 1 which i've fixed to make easier to read. i've gotten 
some nice comments. thanks a lot!!!! you're encouraging me.....whether 
that's GOOD or not is another story.
cast of characters:
everybody's the same, except there is a reversal of personality. i.e. riker 
is like doug winer [of the SNL doug and wendy winer fame].

scene one: outer space, we see the enterprise zooming about carelessly.

picard: captain's log....oh, sometime in june, 24th century, blah, 
blah, blah. right now we're joy ridin this babee. hell of a time actually!

[captain ends transmission. scene changes to interior of captain's ready 
room where picard is admiring a row of toupees perched upon mannequin heads. 
he seems ready to choose one for the day when the ship begins to rattle. 
picard runs stumbling towrds the door; as he does a bacherloresque boudoir 
on the far side of the ready room flashes by. he hits a button, which 
brings down a false wall to conceal it, and leaves.
picard bursts onto the main bridge.]

picard: what's going on here? someone let wesley drive again?

[cut to wesley, played by ferris bueller, who is fast asleep on the 
console. everyone on the bridge is nonchalant and nonattentive.]

picard: why won't someone give me an answer?

data [with a shrug]: *i* don't know.

troi [yawning. she is dressed like a typical Dead fan, down to a threaded 
gold band around her head and a jingling ankle bracelet]: and *i* don't 
care.

[wesley jerks awake. a pool of drool is on the console where his head was.]

worf [face twisted in agonising thought]: what is *the* answer anyhow? what 
is the meaning of life? what is the purpose of this action in the scheme of 
it all? why are we here? why....[he continues rambling]

ensign [played by the effeminate but bizarre air traffic controller in the 
movie _airplane_, singing] : why do birds suddenly appear...everytime you 
are near.....?

riker [in a whisper]: worf, you know how it turns me on to hear you talk 
like that....[worf continues agonising]

picard: mr. laforge, are we being attacked or what?

geordi [voice only]:  *what? WHAT?*

picard [with a sigh]: never mind, i forget you can't hear a damn thing i 
say...

geordi: ***WHAT? WHAT?****

picard [yelling at top voice]: PICARD OUT!!!

[ a spark of genius lights on troi's face.]

troi: heeeyyyyyyyy! how about the view screen?

picard: good thinking, dollface. viewscreen up!

[two ensigns come in with a projector screen and proceed to assemble it. 
when they are through, a large fish-shaped vessel can be seen in the 
starfield before them. wesley licks his palms.]

wesley [offering his palms as evidence]: captain, i think i need to go to 
sick bay.

picard [impatiently]: get the hell outta here.

[crew cheers as he leaves.]
[turning back to the screen, picard seems annoyed.]

picard: destroy that.....ship. NOW.

worf: but sir, shouldn't we see if they're....

picard [pissed, lets out an impatient breath]: you and your...diplomacy. oh 
all right. sound red alert, however.

all: klax---on! [...and clap twice]  :)

riker [covering ears]: oooo, i HATE that noise....

troi [to riker, roughly]: oh, DEAL with it.

[a beep is heard from worf's console]
worf [excitedly]: they're hailing us! they're hailing us!

picard: stand down form red alert.

all: klax---off! [crew claps twice]

picard: on screen, mr. worf.

[on the screen appears a regal figure surrounded by several peons.]

picard [standing akimbo]: i'm jean-luc picard, captain of this vessel. who 
the hell are you?

king: i am ar-the, king of the b'tins.

picard [puzzled]: king of the who?

king: king of the b'tins.

picard: who are the b'tins?

peon1 [standing next to king]: we are all b'tins, and he is our king.
[he makes a sweeping gesture]

peon2 [aside]: well, *i* didn't vote for him.

peon3 [aside to 2]: you don't VOTE for king....

picard: ENOUGH! tell us what you want. you're in federation territory and 
we can blow you into tiny bits if we want to.

riker [aside]: well, sir, we can't blow them up....

picard [hotly]: then we'll severly maim them.

riker: SIR....

picard [explodes]: we'll shoot at the space around them then, number two! 
are you HAPPY? [riker cringes visibly]

[king clears his throat.]

picard [to king]: sorry.

[worf embarrasedly covers his face with his hand and shakes his head. at 
this moment beverly appears from the turbo-lift, dressed in a low 
cut/hi-rising outfit, if-ya-know-what-i-mean. she walks over to picard.]

beverly [seductively] jean-luc, you...wanted me?

picard [out of the side of his mouth]: not now, twizzle-toes.

beverly: i'll wait for you in your...ready-room.[she smiles at the last 
word]

king: wait! it is she!!!

[beverly is confused.]

king: it is the great one....loretta! come with us, o loretta, and all of 
this will be yours! [makes a sweeping gesture]

beverly: what, the furniture?

[king appears angry. he then chatters something in a foreign tongue, and 
suddenly beverly disappears with a horrified look on her face.]

beverly [as she de-materializes]: jean-luuuuuuuuuuuuuu............

[the alien ship also disappears, without a trace] 

picard [in shock]: love puppy!

[picard sits in his chair, his clothing dishevelled]

picard: mr. data, any signs that the alien ship is still out there?

data [leaning back in his chair]: tell me, sir, do you SEE a ship out 
there?

picard: uh, no....

data [triumphantly]: well, then!

picard [turning red with temper and embarrassment, turns to crew]: FIND 
THAT FISH!!!!!!

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my apologies to monty python fans and hearing-impaired people everywhere.

copyright 1992 by sandra g. don't think of snagging it!
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sandra g.                    .  .          
ub illustration            \______/   buffalo, ny
                                      username:v130qh57@ubvmsb.cc.buffalo.edu  
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