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Subject: Parodies 1990 - the best of R.A.S. (fwd)
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>From amigo@milton.u.washington.edu Sat May 25 11:29:33 1991
From: The Friend <amigo@milton.u.washington.edu>
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Subject: Parodies 1990 - the best of R.A.S.
To: aardvark@milton.u.washington.edu (John Yuill)
Date: Sat, 25 May 91 11:28:45 PDT
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>From: ccs026@deneb.ucdavis.edu (-=paul=-)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Some fun for you
Message-ID: <2425@ucdavis.ucdavis.edu>
Date: 13 Jul 88 15:49:02 GMT
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

In article <2595@bgsuvax.UUCP lewis@bgsuvax.UUCP (Dwight Lewis) writes:
[quite a bit, actually.  here it is.]

Organization: Slow-Witted Weapons Experts, Ltd.
[Postscript: Feel free to cross-post this across the Universe.  Just remember
to give proper credit to the author (namely, not me).  Thanks.]
--------

			Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation

			   "Where No Sane Man Would Go"

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0:
	After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful
first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey
of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes
that something interesting will happen.  On another note, I must admit that
I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates
I am required to quote.  They remain a great mystery to me, despite the
extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard:	Stop smirking, number one.

Riker:	I wasn't aware that I was, sir.

Picard:	You do, Riker.  All the time.  And stop leaning against things
	with your head hunched down between your shoulders.

Riker:	[Standing up straight for a change]  Aye, sir.

	[ Tweedlesquirge ]

Data:	Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at
	extreme range.

Picard:	Analysis?

Data:	It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.

Picard:	Then how do you know it's a derelict?

Data:	I do not know, sir.  I would speculate that it is a writer's error.

Picard:	Obviously.  Well, let's rubberband our way over there and have a
	look at it.  Geordi, set course.

Geordi:	Aye, sir.  Three two two point eight nine mark four three....
	seven...  and some other meaningful numbers.

Picard:	Engage.

	[ Purrdlefreezowp ]

EXTERNAL SHOT:

	[ fwEESH!!!   POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

BRIDGE:

Data:	Approaching derelict craft.

Picard:	Scan it, Mr. Data.

	[ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ]

Data:	It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century.

Picard:	[Muttering] Not again....

Data:	It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around
	and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent
	function.

Riker:	I've got a bad feeling about this.

Troi:	Hey!  That's MY line!

Riker:	Well, you dropped your cue....

Picard:	I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.

Data:	Awwww....

Picard:	Riker, put together an away team.

Riker:	Aye, sir.  Geordi, Worf; come with me.  [Shouting at ceiling]
	Lieutenant Tsu to the bridge.

Ceiling:  OH, GOODIE!

Picard:	And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously
	have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there.

Riker:	Of course, sir.

--------
	[ Fade.  Opening credits.  Commerical for Ginsu Knives and a
digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having
gingivitis. ]
--------

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5:
	We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer.  Riker, LaForge,
and Worf are beaming over to investigate.  While these plots always resolve
themselves in 50 minutes, I nontheless feel that this is going to be very
unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT.  A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT
LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS.  STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A
LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR.  THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL
FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE
ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE.

	[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh!  The away team appears. ]

Riker:	[Tapping communicator]  Down and safe.

Worf:	Uh, wrong series, sir.

Riker:	Ooops...

Picard:	Good, number one.  Keep the channel open and continue to report.

Riker:	Aye, sir.

Picard:	And don't smirk.

Riker:	Yes, sir.

Geordi:	Sir, this doesn't make any sense.  This is an ordinary plate glass
	window, and yet it looks out onto open space.  It should shatter
	under the pressure.

Riker:	That's nothing compared to what I think we're going to find.

Worf:	OOoooo.  Foreshadowing.

Geordi:	[Looking through a disc of plexiglas]  Now, *this* is
	interesting...

Picard:	Describe what you see, Geordi.

Geordi:	I see...  Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary......

Riker:	Come on, Worf.  Let's go downstairs.

	[ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ]

Riker:	Well, here we are downstairs.

Worf:	It appears to be the crew's quarters.

	[ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a human female
in each. ]

Riker:	Hey!  Lookit what I found!

Picard:	What have you found, Number One?

Riker:	No, I found two females.  They appear to be in some sort of coma.

	[ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ]

Worf:	Two more humans over here, sir.  They also appear to be comatose.

	[ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws
another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man. ]

Worf:	Still more over here, also dead to the universe.

Picard:	Let's hope they stay that way.

	[ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ]

O.M:	AAGGGHHH!!!!  Oh, good heavens!  Who are you??  What do you want??

Riker:	No such luck, sir.

Picard:	Oh, piss...

O.M:	[Pointing at Worf, cowering]  What are *you*??

Worf:	I am a Klingon.

O.M:	[Cowering]  Oh, how very apt.

	[ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of
their coma. ]

Man 1:	Who are you?  What are doing on my ship?

Woman 1:  Who are they?

Man 1:	I don't know.

Worf:	I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.

Riker:	Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Geordi....

Geordi:	...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and.....

Riker:	Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!

Geordi:	.... er, yes, sir!

Man 1:	Who are you?

Riker:	I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf.

Man 1:	Where do you come from?  How did you get aboard?

Riker:	We're from the Starship Enterprise.

Man 1:	Never heard of it.

	[ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks.  Geordi enters
from the rear of the room. ]

Riker:	We're from Starfleet Command.

	[ No response. ]

Riker:	The United Federation of Planets.

	[ Still no response. ]

Riker:	Earth, you dullards!

Man 1:	Oh!  Sorry.  We've been out of touch for a while.

Riker:	And you are.....

Man 1:	My name is Robinson.  This is my wife, whose name I can't seem to
	remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't seem to remember;
	my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.

O.M:	[Sheepishly]  Hello...

Robinson:  And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.

Smith:	How do you do, sir.  I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier.
	I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth.  I
	fear my powers of perception are failing me.

	[ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ]

Voice:	Disturbance!  Disturbance!  I will render assistance.

Robnsn:	And that is our robot.

Picard:	Riker!  What's going on???

Riker:	We've encountered six humans and a robot.  They seem ordinary
	enough, though they haven't heard of the Federation.

Data:	I recommend we beam them over, sir.

Picard:	You would.

Geordi:	I concur with Data, sir.  That plate glass window is going to go
	at.....  *Any Moment!*

Picard:	Oh, very well.  But keep them out of my way.

Tsu:	[Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think
	you do]  I'm here, sir.

Picard:	Good.  Take Geordi's station.

Riker:	Transporter room!

Xport:	Sir.

Picard:	Nine people and a robot to beam over.

Xport:	Ready to beam you over, sir.

Riker:	Engage.

Xport:	You mean "energize".

Riker:	Oh, yeah.  Right.

Xport:	........ Well?

Riker:	ENERGIZE!!!!!!

	[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY.  THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH.  THE REST OF THE
DIPS ARE WATCHING.  PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI.  THE DOCTOR TURNS TO
ADDRESS PICARD.

McCoy:	Dammit, Picard.  What do you think you're doing throwing these
	peoples' molecules all over creation?

Picard:	Admiral McCoy!  What are you doing here?

McCoy:	Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause.  Why the hell did
	you fire Crusher, anyway?

Picard:	She wasn't cute enough.

McCoy:	You *must* be kidding!

Troi:	Captain....

Picard:	Yes, counselor.

Troi:	I'm sensing great stupidity.

Picard:	Who from?

Troi:	Everyone.

McCoy:	That's unsurprising.  I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it's
	barely measureable, even all the way down to the smallest
	intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three
	Reagans apiece.

Troi:	No, sir.  It's more than just the people we picked up from the
	ship.  It's much greater than that....

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Ensign Tsu.  The helm has just gone down.  I can't
	navigate the ship.

Picard:	Go to manual control.

Ceiling:  Sir, that trick never works.

Picard:	Try it, anyway.

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname.  The fire
	sprinklers just went off down here, but we don't know why.
	Everything's getting wet.  Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon
	setup down here...

Picard:	Turn them *off*, engineer.

Ceiling:  We can't, sir.  The faucet handle broke off in my hand.

Picard:	[Rhetorically]  What is going on????

Ceiling:  Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.

Picard:	\
Data:	 \
Riker:	  \
McCoy:	   	Shut up, Wesley!
Geordi:	  /
Worf:	 /
Troi:	/

Ceiling:  But sir!  Holodeck two just turned itself inside out.  And it's
	not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

	[ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ]

Ceiling:  ...Though it is kinda neat.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot,
followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar.  Dick Cavett tries to
sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese
excuse for a Jeep. ]
--------

Captain's Log, Supplemental:
	I've given up on stardates.  It's probably meaningless, anyway.  My
ship is in total chaos.  Utterly impossible things are happening all over
the ship, seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, or even common
sense, the holodeck notwithstanding.  It's like a nightmare.

Picard:	Riker, you're smirking again.

Riker:	Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.

Picard:	I find nothing amusing about it.  You can't run a starship with
	chaos running rampant.  I didn't get where I am today by letting
	chaos run rampant.

Leonard Rossiter:  Of course not, C.J.

Riker:	Where did he come from?

Data:	I believe it is a reference to a old British entertainment series.

Picard:	Good God!  Everyone's being infected.  Even me!

Ceiling:  Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat.  The toilets
	have just backed up into the warp drive.  It'll take time to clear.

Picard:	WHAT!!?????

Ceiling:  In the meantime, we have...... *No Power!*

Picard:	[Rhetorically]  This is unbelievable.

Ceiling:  And the fire sprinklers are still running.  We're working on it.

	[ Pshhhhhh.  The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin
and a rather delapidated tabby cat. ]

Penguin:  [Approaching Picard]  How do you do.  I'm Mr. P. Opus.  George
	Bush is a wimp.  I'd like you to meet my running mate, Bill the Cat.

Bill:	Ack!  Phft!!

	[ Pshhhhhh.  Wesley enters from the other turbolift. ]

Wesley:	Sorry, sir.  They got loose from the holodeck.  It's going
	absolutely berserk.  Tasha even walked out and handed me an old
	pulp-paper publication entitled 'Playboy'.

Data:	Is she still there?

Wesley:	Dunno.  Why don't you go look?

	[ Data gets up to leave. ]

Picard:	AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!

Data:	But sir....

	[ Pshhhhhhh.  The Robot enters. ]

Robot:	[Flailing arms]  DANGER!  DANGER!  WARNING!  DANGER!  WARNING
	WILL ROBINSON!	DANGER!

Picard:	Why are you yelling that?

Robot:	I don't know.  It seems appropriate somehow.

	[ PFFT!  The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and
quite boorish man. ]

Viewer:	TV...  or MTV?  [PFFT!  Same thing, only female this time.]
	TV...  or MTV?

Picard:	[In a perfect Graham Chapman twang]  WHAT IS GOING ON!!?????

Data:	We appear to be intercepting some old Earth transmissions, sir.

	[ Pshhhhh.  Will Robinson enters. ]

Robot:	DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Will:	What is it, Robot?

Robot:	Unknown intelligence nearby.  Danger!

	[ Pshhhhhh.  Dr. Smith enters.  Picard is fuming. ]

Smith:	There you are, you bubble-headed booby!  I have chores for you.

Robot:	DANGER!  DANGER!

	[ Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack. ]

Smith:	That'll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!

Picard: [Smoke pouring out of his ears]  EVERYONE GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!

Riker:	Aye, sir.

Picard:	NOT **YOU!!**

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface.  We're up to
	our waists here with water from the fire sprinklers.  Some of the
	waterproof components are starting to rust.

Smith:	[At ceiling]  You incompetent ninny!  Where did you study
	engineering?

Ceiling:  I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and......

Picard:	OUT!!!  OUT!!!  OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker:	Yes sir.

Picard:	NOT ****YOU!!!!****

	[ The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel.  Picard
sits down, ready to spit venom. ]

Troi:	I sense great frustration, sir.

Picard:	No shit, Sherlock.

Troi:	You mustn't blame yourself, sir.  You are not at fault.  Some
	greater force is at work.

Picard:	Shut up, Wesley.

Troi:	Huh?

Picard:	[At ceiling]  Bridge to Medical Bay.  Doctor.....

Ceiling:  This is the Medical Bay.  All our lines are busy.  Please hold;
	your call will be answered in the order it was received.  [Muzak]

	[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard:	Computer!!!

Computer:  Hi there!  Whatever your problem, I'm here to help you solve it.
	All I want to do is to make your day more and more bearable.

	[ Picard is stunned rigid.  He ambles in a daze over to his ready
room. ]

Door:	[Pshhhhhh]  Thank you for making a simple door very happy.

CUT TO PICARD'S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the tropical
fish in it).  PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY DUMBFOUNDED.  RIKER
ENTERS.

Door:	[Pshhhhh]  Glad to be of service.

Riker:	Shut up.  [To Picard]  Sir, are you all right?

Picard:	I've lost control.

Riker:	Sir, I don't know what's going on.

Picard:	So what else is new?

Riker:	There's no need to be abusive, sir.

Picard:	It makes me feel better, Number One.

Riker:	Sir, there has to be some external force at work.  All this chaos
	couldn't happen naturally.  I mean, everyone's acting so stupid...

	[ You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head. ]

Picard:	STUPID!  That's IT!!  Counselor Troi mentioned something about
	stupidity just before all hell broke loose.  Where is she?

Riker:	Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar's quarters to pick out a new
	costume for herself.

Picard:	Let's go.  [They get up.]

Door:	[Pshhhhh]  Thank you so very much.

Picard:	Stick it up your nose.  [To Data]  Data, come with me.  Tsu, you
	have the con.

Tsu:	Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

	[ They enter the turbolift. ]

Picard:	Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift:  I'm fine; how are you?

Picard:	I said, Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift:  I'm fine; how are you?

Picard:	Now what!?

Data:	Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.

Riker:	Go for it.

Data:	Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data.  If you don't take us
	to Yar's quarters pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your
	major databank with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming
	you will never forget.  Understand?

	[ Silence. ]

Data:	Okay.  Get the axe.

	[ The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters.  Picard and
Riker eye Data quizzically. ]

Data:	A literary reference, sir.  Given the current situation, it seemed
	appropriate.

	[ The door opens, and they exit. ]

CUT TO YAR'S STATEROOM.  PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.

Picard:	Counselor Troi!  Where are you?

	[ Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar
wore for Data. ]

Troi:	Hello, Umzadi.

Riker:	Troi!  Uh....

Troi:	I sense great desire...

Picard:	Good God!  Troi's been affected, too.

Data:	Rather well, it would seem.

Riker:	Sir, if you don't mind.....

Picard:	Oh, go ahead.  You're no use to me, anyway.  Go do something
	productive for a change.

Riker:	Aye, sir.  [ Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with
	Troi.  Picard and Data enter the hallway. ]

Picard:	Now what do we do?

Data:	If I may recommend, sir.  Since all the trouble began with the
	arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem prudent to question
	them.

Picard:	Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data.  Let's get some answers.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on people,
followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial.  K-Tel offers you every Top 10
hit ever made.  Trained professionals demonstrate a Popiell Pocket
Fisherman, since no normal human could use them; and a banana slug tries to
sell you a used car. ]
--------

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED
TO REMAIN.  EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard:	Right.  I want some answers, and I want them now.

Will:	Two plus two is four.

Mother:	Be quiet, dear.

Will:	Where's Lassie, mom?

Mother:	I left that series, dear.

Picard:	Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.

Mr. Robinson:  [To Data]  Are you an android?

Data:	[Getting upset]  No!  I'm an eggplant!!  WHY DOES EVERYBODY ASK ME
	THAT???  [Starts jumping up and down]

Picard:	Data!  Why are you getting upset?

Data:	[Reverting instantly to his normal self]  Getting upset is a human
	trait, and I do try to be more human....

Picard:	Well, stop it.  [To family]  Now, I want some answers.  Things on
	my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why.

Mr. Robinson:  No idea.

Mother:	Got me.

Penny:	Duh....

Co-Pilot:  Let me get back to you on that.

Robot:	Danger!  Unknown intelligence nearby!

Smith:	Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!

Will:	Captain?  I'd like to help if I can.

Picard:	Oh, great.  Another boy genius.  I should have signed onto a
	trawler or something.

Data:	I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly, Captain.

Picard:	[Sighs]  Oh, all right.  Tell me how you got all the way out here.

Will:	Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri.  But our
	robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course.  Since then,
	we've been Lost In Space....

	[ Stupid music starts up. ]

Picard:	Stop that!  Stop that!  Stop it!

	[ Music runs down. ]

Picard:	Please go on.

Will:	Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange aliens in bad
	makeup who were always bent on destroying us.  The robot always
	tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble.

Smith:	[Indignant]  Such gratitude!  And after all the help I've
	rendered...

Picard:	Shut up!!  [To Will]  So how long have you been out here?

Will:	I don't really know.

Picard:	Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth?

Will:	Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen,
	and we'd get lost again.

Picard:	What would happen?

Will:	Oh....  It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a
	space walk for no reason, or....

Picard:	STUPID!  Are you sure?

Will:	Oh, yeah.  It was always something really dumb.

Picard:	Thank you.  You *have* been helpful.  [To Data]  Let's go.

	[ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ]

Picard:	What do you think, Data?

Data:	Penny is cute....

Picard:	No no no no!!  What do you think of their story?

Data:	I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation
	that is upon us now.  However, I believe that whatever has affected
	them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and
	is now affecting us.

Picard:	Speculation?

Data:	I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from
	The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds
	on stupidity.

Picard:	What?  You mean we're reusing a plot device?

Data:	It has been done before, sir.  If you'll recall in The Naked Now...

Picard:	Yes, yes, I know...

Data:	This situation seems far more amusing, however...

Picard:	Never mind your editorial remarks, Data.  How do you propose to
	eliminate this creature?

Data:	To eliminate it, we must first locate it.

Picard:	And how do we do that?

Data:	Are you completely helpless or something?

Picard:	*Humor* me!

Data:	It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter
	of the stupid activity.

Picard:	The holodeck?

Data:	A good place to start, sir.

Comm button:  Captain Picard?  This is Chief Engineer Snidely P. Whiplash.
	We're up to our chests in it now...

Picard:	Why don't you just beam the water out?

Comm:	Oh, no, sir.  That's far too obvious.

Picard:	What are you doing about it?

Comm:	I've got my best men working on it....

	[ In the background: ]

Man 1:	You numbskull!!  [SLAP!]

Man 2:	Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Man 1:	And you!  [BONK!]

Man 2:	Ow!

Man 3:	Hey, leave him alone!

Man 1:	Oh, a wise guy...  [TOINK!]

Picard:	Dear God.  Should we set self-destruct?

Data:	Unadviseable, sir.  It would probably malfunction.  I suggest we
	move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.  Delay could be fatal.

Picard:	Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Computer....

Computer:  Hi there!

Picard:	[Winces]  Hi.  Sound Red Alert.

Computer:  Sure thing!

	[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer:  How's that?

Picard:	Wonderful.  Thank you.  [Glances heavenward.  Taps comm. again]
	Worf!

Worf:	Sir!

Picard:	Meet us at holodeck two.  And don't take the turbolifts.  Bring
	Geordi with you.

Worf:	At once, sir.

Picard:	Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?

Worf:	Stupidity is too much like..... *bathing!*

Picard:	[Shakes head]  Picard out.  Let's go, Data.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch
of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell
you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's.  Highlights of
this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds." ]
--------

PICARD AND DATA WALK THE HALLS OF THE ENTERPRISE.  THEY AVOID THE
TURBOLIFTS LIKE THE PLAGUE, TAKING THE GANGWAYS INSTEAD.

Data:	Caution is recommended, sir.  Anything could happen.

	[ A giant 16-ton weight falls from nowhere and crashes to the
deck. ]

Picard:	Understood, Data.

	[ Pshhhhh.  A nearby set of doors opens to reveal a moose standing
erect on its hind legs, and a squirrel wearing a leather flight helmet. ]

Moose:	Rocky, I don't think we're in Frostbite Falls anymore.

Squirrel:  Don't be silly, Bullwinkle.  This is the Starship Enterprise.

Moose:	Are you sure?  I used to watch that show all the time, and this
	doesn't look anything like it.

Squirrel:  Silly, this is the new Enterprise.

Moose:	[Pointing to Picard]  Who's that guy?

Picard:	I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

Moose:	You've *got* to be kidding.

Squirrel:  He's the new Captain, Bullwinkle....

Moose:	You'd think they would have found a cure for baldness after 300
	years.

Picard:	Phasers on kill, Mr. Data.

Moose:	Oooo!  I always wanted to see what those looked like from this
	angle...

Squirrel:  Oh, Bullwinkle...

Picard:	Fire!

	[ PHWATT!!  The moose and squirrel disintegrate. ]

Picard:	I wish I'd thought of that before.  Let's hurry before something
	else stupid happens.

	[ Before they can get twenty feet, another door opens to reveal a
well-dressed man holding a briefcase. ]

Man:	Excuse me, Captain, but I'm afraid you'll have to cease and desist
	this story immediately.

Picard:	Ignore him, Data.  [They try and move on, but the man obstructs
	their path]

Man:	I'm sorry, sir, but I have an injunction.  [Produces thick legal
	document]  I'm afraid this show infringes on the look-and-feel of
	my client's copyrighted works.  You'll have to cease immediately,
	pending a lengthy and obscenely expensive civil suit.

Picard:	Infringement?!  What are you talking about?

Man:	Your companion, Mr. Data.  He clearly infringes on my client's
	copyrighted character, C3PO.

Data:	[Aside to Picard]  It's a lawyer, sir.  Very dangerous.

Picard:	Understood.  [To lawyer]  Ahem.  Writ ex-post-facto habeas corpus,
	ipso-facto, injunction hearing, irreperable harm disclaimer, and
	overturned on appeal.

Man:	[Confused]  Mr. Picard, you're talking nonsense.

Picard:	So are you.  FIRE!

	[ PHWATT!!  Data and Picard fire at... POINT BLANK RANGE!  The
lawyer slowly collapses, and his chest bursts open.  Zillions of little
white cockroaches fly out.  A mother creature identical to the one in
_Conspiracy_ rears up from the chest cavity and shrieks.  Picard and Data
phaser it to smithereens. ]

Picard:	I hope that's the last of them.

Data:	Quickly, sir.  Time is of the essence.

PICARD AND DATA CLIMB A GANGWAY TO THE HOLODECK LEVEL.  THEY EMERGE INTO
THE HALLWAY.

Picard:	What could happen now?

Data:	Absolutely anything, sir.

	[ There is a loud BEEP BEEP from behind.  Picard jumps straight up
into the ceiling, banging his head.  He turns to find a very large road
runner standing there.  It sticks its tongue out at him.  Picard fires his
phaser, but the bird takes off down the hall, outrunning it.  The phaser
beam instead blasts a very large black duck at the end of the hall, who is
now burnt and smoking. ]

Duck:	[Wholly indignant and sarcastic]  Shoot me again!  I love the smell
	of ionized air!  And burnt feathers!  I'm an Elk!  Go ahead and
	shoot me!  I'm a Fiddler Crab!!  Why don't you shoot me?!??
	IT'S FIDDLER CRAB SEASON!!!!!

	[ Picard obliges.  PHWATT!!  The duck ceases to exist. ]

Data:	Classical physics may no longer apply here, Captain.

Picard:	Let's hurry up.

	[ Picard and Data run down the hall.  As they approach an
intersection, they hear a horrible grinding noise that grows louder.  As
they arrive, a large blue box appears out of nowhere, with a flashing white
light on top of it.  The door to the box opens, and a female emerges. ]

Female:	[Screams bloody murder.  A nearby transparent aluminum panel
	shatters.]

	[ A appallingy badly dressed man emerges from the box. ]

Man:	What is it, Mel?

Female:	Oh, nothing Doctor.  I just felt like screaming.

	[ Picard raises his phaser. ]

Data:	No, sir.  They may be useful.

Picard:	They're looney toons, Data.

	[ Stupid music starts. ]

Picard:	Stop that!!  Stop it!!

	[ Music runs down. ]

Man:	Hello.  I'm the Doctor, and this is my friend Mel.

Picard:	I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.  This is
	Lieutenant Commander Data.

Doctor:	An android?

Picard:	No, he's an eggplant.

Data:	Thank you, sir.

Doctor:	He sure beats the hell out of Kamelion...

Picard:	Why do you think they're useful, Data?

Data:	The woman's scream may be useful as a diversion.

Picard:	Agreed.

Doctor:	[Sarcastically]  Thank you!  I can be useful, too, you know.

Picard:	Somehow, I doubt it.  But come along anyway.

	[ The Doctor locks up the blue box and he and Mel follow along.
They walk along the corridor, now very close to the Holodeck. ]

Singing voice down the hall:  Love, exciting and new, come aboard, we're
	expecting you....

	[ Picard and Data fire in the direction of the voice out of
reflex. ]

Voice:	Love, life's sweetest re....  [PHWATT!!]  AAGGGHHH!!!

Voice from opposite end of hall:  Gimme a light!

	[ Data spins around and blasts its owner. ]

Voice:	[Just before completely disintegrating]  No, Bud Light....
	AAGGGHH!!

	[ Picard and Co. approach the last intersection before the
holodeck.  Worf and Geordi are there. ]

Picard:	Excellent Worf.  You made it.

Worf:	Not without difficulty, sir.  We had to phaser our way through
	several dozen blue dwarves wearing white stockings on their heads.
	I found it quite satisfying.

Picard:	Geordi, what's your assessment?

Geordi:	I'm scanning through the entire spectrum.  Nothing makes any sense,
	though it does look really cool.

Picard:	Can you discern any center of activity?

Geordi:	No sir, not directly.  The activity appears to be coming from
	within the holodeck itself.

Picard:	Right everyone.  Phasers set to industrial strength kill.

Worf:	I only have a Dustbuster, sir.

Picard:	Set it to "shag rug" and let's go.

	[ Picard and Co. approach the open holodeck door.  Light, gas,
dust, and all manner of stuff is spewing forth from the door, not unlike
the scenes from _Poltergeist_.  Wesley is at the door, fooling with some
circuit panel. ]

Picard:	Wesley!  What are you doing?

Wesley:	I'm trying to get my Mom to come back!

Picard:	You can't do that!  Gene fired her!

Wesley:	I don't care!  I'll bring her back at all costs!!  MWAH HA HA HA
	HA HA HA HA!!!!!

	[ Worf slugs Wesley in the gut, who doubles over and falls
motionless to the floor. ]

Picard:	Good work, Worf.  Geordi, what do you see?

Geordi:	I'm sorry sir, but my batteries just went dead.  I shoulda used
	Duracells....

Picard:	Dura-what?

Geordi:	Lasts millions of times longer than regular carbon batteries....
	[Geordi starts going bonkers.]

Data:	He appears to have been completely engulfed by the force inside,
	sir.

	[ Picard adjusts his phaser to stun, and shoots Geordi.  Geordi
falls unconscious on the floor. ]

Picard:	That should keep him out of trouble, as well as keeping him out of
	our way.  Deep breath, everyone.  We're going in.

	[ They plunge into the maelstrom. ]

--------
	[ Fade to black.  More banana slugs.  Vidal Sasoon doesn't look
good.  Time magazine tries to entice you with a cheap phone.  And of course
it's absolutely vital that you call 976-1212; directory assistance for 976
services (all calls $2 plus toll). ]
--------

	[ Picard and Co. plough through the insanity.  All is chaos for a
few moments, then suddenly, everything clears, and they all find themselves
in a plush wood-paneled corporate board room.  The walls are adorned with
gaudy and self-serving plaques, trophies, and mementos.  Several posters
adorn the walls, apparently advertising various forms of entertainment,
including _Under The Cherry Moon_, _Hello, Marin, Hello_, _Heaven's Gate_,
and Lorimar Telepictures.  Three men are seated at the head of the table. ]

Man 1:	Welcome, Captain Picard.

Data:	[Aside to Picard]  This is it, sir.  This is the core of the
	disturbance.

Man 1:	Quite right, Mister Data, quite right.  Allow me to introduce
	myself.  I am Aaron Spelling.  This is my good friend, Glen A.
	Larson...

Glen:	How do you do.

Aaron:	And this is Steven J. Cannell.

Steve:	Hello.

Aaron:	Please, sit down.

Picard:	No, thank you.  What's happened to my ship?

Aaron:	Relax, Captain, relax.  It's the natural order of things.  Some
	refreshments!

	[ Aaron claps his hands.  A vapid female dressed in a trendy gown
loaded with more sequins than you can count appears with a tray and sets it
down upon the table. ]

Aaron:	Thank you, Vanna.  [She turns around once, then exits.]

Picard:	What do you mean, the natural order of things?

Aaron:	Surely, you're aware of the principle of entropy?

Picard:	Of course.

Aaron:	We are merely carrying that principle to its natural conclusion:
	The entropy of human intelligence.

Picard:	But man isn't naturally stupid.....

Aaron:	Oh, but he is, Captain.  Simply observe for yourself how easily
	your ship and your crew succumbed to even the simplest of our
	techniques.

Picard:	Fortunate happenstance.  We weren't expecting it...

Aaron:	I'm afraid not, Captain.  We've successfully subjected entire
	nations to these techniques, and they have capitulated quite
	readily.  They've even welcomed it.

Picard:	Welcomed it?!??!!!  No doubt you didn't give them a choice!

Aaron:	Oh, but we did, Captain.  They could have stopped at any time.  All
	they had to do was turn us off.  There were plenty of alternatives.
	Movies, live theatre -- something which I understand you're
	familiar with --, even PBS.  But they *chose* to stay with us.  We
	didn't make that choice for them.  Humans *want* to be stupid,
	Picard.  Otherwise, we would not have been successful.  Look at
	your own history.  Drug abuse, religious wars of all kinds,
	American politics, the legal profession, rec.humor, talk.bizarre,
	IBM, Apple....  The list goes on and on.

Picard:	We've grown beyond that.  To quote my first officer, we're not
	savages anymore.

Aaron:	Ah, yes.  Your first officer, who is currently participating in
	various forms of debauchery without protection,	which by now your
	species should realize is the height of stupidity.  No, Captain.
	Your species is no better now than it was a thousand years ago.

Picard:	He's under your influence!  He wouldn't do such a thing of his own
	accord.  How can you call yourselves superior when you treat those
	beneath you so harshly?

Aaron:	It's not like we're heartless monsters, Captain.  We do have
	morals, and it pains us to see your species so easily taken in.

Steve:	I even chose to pull one of my own creations off, partly because it
	was too stupid even for your species....

Picard:	[Fishing]  But mostly because....

Steve:	[Eagerly completing sentence]  It wasn't profitable anymore...

Aaron:	Shhhhh!!!!

	[ Picard, Data, and Worf look at one another.  A lightbulb goes on
above all three of them. ]

Worf:	FERENGI, SIR!!

	[ At this very moment, Mel lets out a perfect blood-curdling ear-
shatterer.  All the tumblers on the tray burst into pieces.  Aaron, Glen,
and Steve cover their ears tightly, trying in vain to shut out the
unexpected sound.  Worf, who is used to such sounds, drops, rolls, and
comes up with his phaser firing.  He hits Steve, who falls to the ground.
His disguise dissolves, revealing him to be the Ferengi that he is.

	[ Worf makes ready to fire at Aaron, but a toy dumptruck nearby
turns into a warrior robot, and moves toward Worf at about five frames per
second.  Worf spins to parry, but the robot catches him in the head, and
Worf is knocked unconscious.

	[ Data rises and phasers the robot (pitifully simple, since it's
moving at five FPS), turns, and shoots Glen, who crumples to the floor.
His disguise dissolves, too.

	[ Suddenly, Data's head pops off on a large spring, and his body
flops to the ground. ]

Data's head:  Oh dear!

	[ Mel stops screaming, and falls to the ground exhausted.  Picard
recovers from the ordeal.  He looks to the end of the table to see Aaron,
or rather, the Ferengi officer.  Picard raises his phaser and fires.

	[ POING!  A large flag pops out of his phaser, reading "BANG!" ]

Ferengi:  It is too late, Picard Captain.  Your ship will transmit our
	stupidity waves across your entire Federation.  Your species will
	be turned into babbling nincompoops, and we will profit endlessly
	from your species as a result, selling them cheap merchandise at
	inflated prices.

	[ He punches a button victoriously on a box behind him. ]

Ferengi:  Good-BYE, Picard Captain!!!

	[ The Ferengi steps to leave through a side door, but falls through
a trap door that appears out of nowhere.  There is a long descending
whistling sound, followed by a faint "POW". ]

	[ Shortly thereafter, an image appears on the box's screen: ]

Box:	WHEEL!  OF!  FORTUNE!

	[ The Doctor runs in abject terror. ]

Box:	Look at this studio!  Filled with glamorous bonus prizes!  Fabulous
	and exciting merchandise!!

	[ Picard screams in agony, unable to turn his eyes away from the
screen. ]

Box:	Our first puzzle is a phrase.  [Doo dee ding dong]

Data's head:  Sir!!  Destroy the box!!  Quickly!

Box:	"One-fifty."  "S!"  BZZT!  "Nope, no S."

Picard:	With what?

Data's head:  Anything!!!!

Box:	"Two hundred..."

Picard:	There's nothing here!  What should I use?!?!??!

Data's head:  R!  Guess R!

Box:	"P!"  BZZZT!  "Nope, no P."

Data's head:  You idiot!!

	[ Data is lost to the stupidity wave.  Picard forces himself toward
the device.  The box has a slot with the legend "Tape". ]

Picard:	[Summoning all his will power]  COMPUTER!

Computer:  Hi there!

Picard:	Eject the tape!!

Computer:  [BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you sure you want to do that?

Picard:	YES!!!!

Computer:  [BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you absolutely sure?  It's not finished
	with yet....

	[ Picard ignores the question.  He manages to look at the
conference table, and notices a stack of papers.  He grabs the stack, and
removes the paper clip holding them together.  He bends it straight, and
shoves it into a hole next to the tape slot.  The tape promptly ejects.
However, the screen does not go blank. ]

Box:	Yes, there are three F's.  [Ding.  Ding.  Ding.]

Picard:	DATA!  WHAT DO I DO!!???

Data's head:  Guess R!  Guess R!

	[ In a final desperate act, Picard throws the tape at the screen
with all the strength he can muster.  The tape case and screen crack.  The
screen goes blank.  For a moment, all is quiet.  Then, the tape and screen
start arcing, slowly at first, but gaining in intensity.  Picard steps
back. ]

Data's head:  [Recovering]  Sir!  You must get it off the ship at once, and
	get as far away as possible!

	[ Picard moves to put Data back together. ]

Data's head:  No sir!  There's no time for that!  You must get it off the
	ship now!!!

	[ By now, the box and tape are arcing too wildly for Picard to pick
up.  He wracks his brains.... ]

Picard:	Computer!  Exit!

Computer:  Sure thing!

	[ The exit appears.  Picard rushes outside to find the nearest
transporter.  The ship is still in chaos.  Thousands of tubes of pump-
format Crest For Kids obstruct his path.  He stumbles over a Pet Rock.  He
rounds a corner and collides with a man dressed in a white suit. ]

Man:	Welcome to Fantasy Starship!  I am Mr. Rork, your host.

	[ Picard phasers him, revealing a dwarf behind him. ]

Dwarf:	Oooo, dat wasn't verry nice!

	[ Picard phasers him, too.  He continues to rush down the corridor.
Suddenly, an ancient petrochemical-powered vehicle painted black with
flickering red lights on the front rounds the corner and speeds toward
Picard at 100 MPH.  Picard attempts to phaser it, but the beam simply
bounces off with some cheap pyrotechnics. ]

Car:	Michael!  There's a man obstructing the corridor!

Driver:	I see him.  Turbos, buddie!

	[ PWAFFFF!!  The car sails into the air, over Picard, and into the
wall behind him.  The car is demolished. ]

Car:	That was pretty damn stupid, Michael....

Driver:	Well, it's always worked before....

	[ Picard does not hear the rest of the conversation.  He speeds
down the hall, turns the final corner, dodges several religious fanatics
with no hair and handing out flowers, and enters the transporter room.

	[ Picard scrabbles at the controls.  He programs the computer to
connect to the holodeck's interprocess communication port, and extract the
box/tape from the holodeck and place it on the transporter platform.  In
moments, the box/tape appears, arcing wildly.  Picard punches in random
coordinates frantically, and energizes.  The box/tape disappears. ]

Picard:	[Punching comm. panel]  Ensign Tsu!!

Tsu:	Yo!

Picard:	Get us out of here!!  Warp nine!!

Tsu:	But I want to see if she wins the bonus round...

	[ Picard curses, and rushes into the hallway.  He runs to a bridge-
access turbolift, and suddenly remembers that the only way on to the main
bridge is by turbolift.  Cursing again, he spins around and heads for
engineering.

	[ He manages to duck a salesman hawking something called
MultiFinder, and phasers a few Writer's Guild workers picketing in the
hallway.  He rounds another corner, and collides with a heavy-set man with
glasses, and a pocket protector.  He is holding a thick tome of stapled
pages. ]

Man:	Hi.  We're thinking of implementing the keyword 'noalias'.  What do
	you think?  Not that what you think makes any difference....

Picard:	[Picking himself up]  Huh?

Man:	We're also going to make the string space read-only, and enforce
	parenthetical groupings in all cases.  We feel this will go a long
	way to make C a respected standard, like Pascal and Ada.

Picard:	What about binary constants?

Man:	Sorry, no way.  No prior art....

	[ PHWATT!!  Picard phasers him and the tome.  He continues running.
In short order, he arrives at the door to engineering, and nearly runs into
it, since it fails to open.  Picard waves his arms around, but nothing
happens.  ]

Picard:	COMPUTER!

Computer:  Hi there!

Picard:	Open this door!

Computer:  [BINGGGGGGGGGG...]  Are you sure you want me to do that?

Picard:	YES!!!!

Computer:  Okay, you asked for it!

	[ Pshhhhhhhh!  Instantly, the corridor is inundated with water.
Three men ride out in a bathtub, slapping each other. ]

Man 1:	You idiots!  [THUMP!  BONK!]

Man 2&3:  Oooff!

	[ Picard forces his way in to the nearest control console. ]

Picard:	Engineer!

Engineer:  Chief Engineer Frederick Y. Airhead here, sir.

Picard:	Start the main engines!

Engineer:  But we haven't unclogged the toilets yet.....

Picard:	I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!!!!

Engineer:  No, but the toilets will if we start the engines.  [Into comm.
	panel]  How are you two making out down there?

Female voice 1:  Laverne!  Get your head out of the matter-antimatter
	reactor!

Female voice 2:  I can't, Shirley!  My hairpins are caught!  Hand me the
	magnetic scissors...

Female voice 1:  You mean this?

Female voice 2:  No!  Not that!  [BLAM!  static....]

Picard:	[Losing it]  START THE ENGINES!!  **NOW!!!**

Engineer:  [Capitulating]  Aye aye, sir.

	[ Airhead presses the engine start button.  Immediately, all the
toilets on the Enterprise violently spew forth odiferous guck.  A
disgusting but nonetheless impressive sight.  ]

Picard:	Course is set!  WARP NINE, NOW!!!

Engineer:  But sir!....

Picard:	***NOW, YOU FLATHEAD!!!<<***

	[ Airhead shuts his eyes tight, and presses a Big Red Button. ]

CUT TO EXTERIOR REAR SHOT:

	[ RumblerumbleburbleburblebucoughubbleBuSLOSHubbbubububBubUUBUBB....
**SPLOWFFFF!!!!**  Water spurts out of every conceivable engine orifice.

	[ fwEESH!!!   POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

Picard:	Computer!  Rear viewer!

Computer:  Righto!

	[ The ship diagram on the wall vanishes and is replaced by a view
of the rear of the ship.  Stars streak off into the void at warp nine.
Suddenly, the biggest, loudest, most impressive, and most expensive
explosion ILM ever made goes off.  The entire ship is flooded with an
intense white hazy light.  The ship rocks violently.  People are bouncing
off the walls.  Sparks fly everywhere. ]

CUT TO YAR'S BEDROOM.

Troi:	Oh, Umzadi!  In-CREDIBLE!

Riker:	[Smirking]  Uh, thanks.

CUT TO EXTERNAL SHOT OF EXPLOSION EFFECTS.  ILM STRUTS THEIR STUFF LIKE
NEVER BEFORE.  NOT A SINGLE MATTE LINE ANYWHERE!  AS THE EXPLOSION
SUBSIDES, THE RESULTING CLOUD FORMS ITSELF INTO THE VAGUE SHAPE OF A
CLOWN'S HEAD.  AND DESPITE THE TOTAL VACUUM OF SPACE, WE CAN BARELY MAKE
OUT A VOICE, WHICH SEEMS TO UTTER, "I have complete faith in Ed Meese."
SOON, ALL IS DARK AND SILENT.

CUT BACK TO ENGINEERING.  PICARD IS LEANING AGAINST THE CONTROL PANEL.  HE
AWAKENS, AND LOOKS ABOUT.

Picard:	[Shouting at ceiling]  Bridge!  Ensign Tsu!

Ceiling:  Aye, sir.

Picard:	Damage report.

Ceiling:  [Pause]  No damage, sir.

Picard:	No damage??  That's impossible!!

Ceiling:  With all due respect sir, so was everything else that happened in
	this kooky story.

Picard:	[Reflecting]  Hmmm.  Quite right, Ensign.  I'm on my way up.

CUT TO BRIDGE.  THE ENTIRE BRIDGE CREW IS ASSEMBLED.  DATA IS IN ONE
PIECE AGAIN.

Picard:	So the destruction of the Ferengi device caused all the chaos on
	the ship to spontaneously vanish and return to normal.

Data:	Correct, sir.  Since there was no logical foundation for the chaos
	to exist upon, the anomalies vanished when the Ferengi device was
	destroyed.

Picard:	Hmmmm...  Do you suppose that they may try again?

Data:	Unknown.

Riker:	I certainly hope not.  What do you think, Deanna?

	[ Troi says nothing; she just keeps purring and petting Riker. ]

Worf:	I think the Ferengi will not try again.  They do not have the
	necessary bravery.

Picard:	Yes, Worf.  You were unaffected.  Aren't Klingons susceptible to
	stupidity?

Worf:	[Shakes head]  Klingons are immune to all forms of human weakness.

Geordi:	Except, it would seem, ethnocentricity.

Picard:	We may have a great deal to learn from you, Worf.  It would seem
	that we, as a race, have a great deal of maturing to do.  Data, lay
	in a course for Starbase One.  We're in serious need of some R&R.

Data:	Course plotted and laid in, sir.

Picard:	Engage.

	[ Freedlezrowp! ]

Riker:	What about the Robinson family?

Picard:	What about them?

Riker:	Well, are we going to keep them on board, or what?

Data:	I'd like to keep the Robot, if I may.  It could prove most
	intriguing.

Picard:	Absolutely not!  I'm having them transferred to the USS
	Scuttlebucket, which will land them on Earth in about eight months.
	It'll give them time to get a clue.

Geordi:	What about The Doctor and Mel?

Data:	Mel disappeared with the Ferengi device.  The Doctor regenerated
	into a different actor with much better fashion sense, entered his
	blue box, and disappeared.

Picard:	Good.  I didn't have much use for them.

	[ FOOMP!  A lemon meringue pie lands squarely on Wesley's head.
Picard eyes him with some regard. ]

Riker:	It was Data's idea sir.  He's still exploring the nature of human
	humor.

Picard:	Excellent, Data!  You're beginning to get the idea.

Wesley:	I'm going to sell you for scrap, Data.

Picard:	Shut up, Wesley.

	[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard:	And don't smirk, Number One.

Riker:	Sir.

Picard:	And *stop* hunching your head between your shoulders!

--------

				T H E    E N D
				 (Thank God!)

	I had fun with this.  I hope you did, too.









-- 
The Samuri Switcher strikes again!                   *  L. Dwight Lewis 
CSnet:lewis@research1.bgsu.edu                       *  %School of Mass-Com
UUCP: ...!cbatt!osu-cis!bgsuvax!lewis                *  BG, OH 43403
Disclaimer: I'm responsible for the above. Everyone else is irresponsible!


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 08:00:47 CDT 1989
Status: O

Article 13069 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11626@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 5 May 89 05:38:36 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 327


SCRIPT BY:

>From: smeyer@topaz.rutgers.edu (Seth Meyer)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Star Trek: The Next Generation.....Episode 20
Keywords: Wesley & Troi Aboard Kirk's Enterprise
Date: 28 Oct 87 14:41:42 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sponsors: Pepsi - The Choice of the Next Generation
           Phaser Tag - The Game That Moves Faster Than the Speed of
                        Light (From Universe Of Wonder)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------         Star Trek:  The Next Generation           ----------
----------    Episode XX:  Share Minds but Kill the Kid      ----------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Scene 1:

[Sickbay...Kirk Enters]

Kirk:  How is she Bones?

McCoy:  Well, Jim, I gave her a sedative but she keeps rambling on.

Troi:  oh..pain...share minds...never got to share....mommy...

McCoy:  I told Nurse Chapel to leave.  'Mom' that is.  I don't get the
     connection but it was driving Chapel crazy.

Kirk:  [rubbing his chin] Share minds...hmm...What does she mean by 
     sharing minds?

McCoy:  I'm not sure...It's like nothing I've ever encountered.

[Kirk presses button on wall intercom]

Kirk:  Kirk to Spock...

Spock: <<Spock here captain.>>

Kirk:  Come to sickbay.  We want you to help us with Troi.

Spock:  <<Affermative Captain.  But what shall I do with Wesley?>>

Kirk:  Explain.

Spock:  <<Well he said he's trying to re-invent Transwarp Drive.>>

Kirk:  Hmm...Let him talk to Scotty.

Spock:  <<Acknowledged.>>

[After a minute, Spock enters sickbay]

Kirk:  Spock, we need you to mind meld with Troi here.  Find out what you
     can.

Spock:  Acknowledged. [places fingers carefully on Troi's face] Our minds
     are getting closer and closer...

Troi:  Yesss...Share minds...

Spock:                ...Our minds are wow!  [a smile appears on Spock's
     face.  He starts to blush, and he begins to shudder uncontrollably.
     Spock's face begins to moisten with sweat, and both eyebrows are
     'jumping' up and down.  Finally, after three minutes, the contact
     is broken, though Spock's odd grin persists]...oboy, oboy, oboy!
     Errr...I mean fascinating.

Troi:  Oh yes!  Joy!  Pleasure!  Satisfaction!  Wonderful!  Gratitude!
     Again!!  [Chapel enters]  Mom!!  [Chapel exits, blushing]  Confusion...
     dismay...pain...oh the pain!!  [Spock proceeds to mind meld again]
     Yes!!  Joy!  More!!

Kirk:  Keep her quiet and give me a report in an hour, Mr. Spock.

Spock:   If you...uhhh...insist.

Kirk:  Bones, lets go check up on Wesley.

[Exit]

=======================================================================

Scene 2:

Scotty: ...an' if ya ever try ta do that again, I'll take ya by yur
     bloody hair and send ya into space and torp' you, ya little...

[Kirk enters]

Scotty:  Captin'!  Thank God yur here!

Kirk:  What happened?

Scotty:  Well, this little brat came down here an' used this here device
     ta make it sound like your voice, tellin me to come up to the 
     bridge.  When I found out you were in sickbay and that Wesley was going
     ta meet me, I ran back here but Wesley locked the Engineering doors.
     It took me a good two minutes to reprogram the computer to override
     Wesley's practical joke.

Wes:  I'm sorry, but gee, it was fun!

Kirk:  Take it easy Scotty.  He really meant no harm.

Scotty:  Aye Captin, but the little bugger better watch his step, or I
     might use the transporter to get rid of his brain.

[Wesley and Kirk leave Engineering]

Kirk:  Wesley, you better watch what you do around here.  Another stunt
     like that and you will be confined.

Wesley:  Gee, Captain, I only want everyone to know how smart I am.  [he
     looks up at Kirk at notices hair]  Gee, you having hair problems?
     Picard did too, 'cept he didn't use a toupee.  He's a real boring
     guy.  Hey how's Troi?

Kirk:  [Yelling and waving arms in old dramatic-Kirk-like fashion]  Listen
     Wesley, *you* have the opportunity...to make something of yourself.
     Don't blow it by doing stupid things.

Wesley:  Gee, you don't have to be so dramatic...

Kirk:  [slamming Wesley into corridor wall]  Listen you stupid little
     jackass!  After Charlie X, Trelayne, Miri & Jahn, and the children
     from Triacus you're nothing.  If you ever try to get wise to me or
     to any of my crew, I will put you over my knee and ......[high pitched
     whistle from intercom]...[pushing intercom button]...What!?

McCoy:  I'm in sickbay, Jim.  Sorry to disturb you, but its Spock.
     I..I think you better get down here.

Kirk:  Why?  Has Spock died again?

McCoy:  Now!

Kirk:  On my way.

[Kirk, followed by Wesley run into the turbo-lift]

=======================================================================

Scene 3:

[Sickbay, Kirk and Wesley enter]

Kirk:  What is it Bones ohmygodisthatspock?

Wesley:  Gosh!

[Kirk and Wesley look in shock at Spock and Troi]

[Spock is sitting next to Troi.  They are both smoking a cigarette, and
 Staring into one another's eyes.  Spock has the biggest grin on his face.]

McCoy:  Well, Jim, Spock seems to be in total bliss.  I haven't
     encountered anything like this since you and that Deltan.  I
     think Spock's life is in danger.

Kirk:  Don't spend too much time worrying about it Bones...Spock will pull
     through...He's a regular.  However, I think I will need some time
     alone with Troi, in my quarters.

Wes:  Oh yeah!  Jimmy boy is gonna do Troi!

Kirk:  [aside to Wesley]...shut up kid!...

=======================================================================

Scene 4:

Chekov:  Cowordinites Captin'?

Kirk:  Hmmmmmm...

Sulu: [to Chekov]  I don't understand it.  He's been like that after that
     session he had with Troi.

Chekov:  [shruggs, and repeats]  Cowordinates Captin'?

Wesley:  Yo Captain!  The ruskie asked you for coordinates!

Kirk:  [Suddenly remembering where he is and what he should be doing and
     that the kid is still on his ship]  Set a course for the neutral zone.
     [presses button on chair]  Scotty, I need maximum warp now!

Scotty:  <<I can give ya warp 9>>

Kirk:  [almost whispering into chair intercom]  Look, do you want to get
     rid of the kid or not?

Scotty:  <<I'll have warp 11 for ya in a jiffy.  Scott out>>

Wesley:  Warp 11 is impossible!!  Maximum logical warp is 10, stupid!  I
     should know.

Kirk:  [into chair intercom]  Security, come to bridge and confine
     Wesley.  Strip search him and I want a twenty-four hour watch on him.

Security Head:  Aye, Sir.

Kirk:  Uhura, send a message to starbase 5, code 2, that the highly 
     valuable commodity, Wesley, is aboard, but we are having engine
     problems and are heading for the neutral zone.

Uhura:  But sir, the Klingon-Romulan Empire have broken code two a long 
     time ago.

Kirk:  I know [smiles to Uhura].

=======================================================================

Scene 5:

[Exiting warp speed...]

Spock:  We are in the neutral zone, Jimbo.

Kirk:  [To Spock]  Jim!  You used to call me Jim!  Remember?  [sighs, and
     then speaks into chair intercom]  Scotty, I need you to transport Wesley
     into the first Klingon ship that enters transportation range, and then
     get us out of here.

Scotty:  <<Aye!  That'll be a pleasure.  And if they thought tribbles were
     bad...>>

Uhura:  Klingons are hailing us.

Kirk:  On viewer.  [she does and nods]

Klingon:  This is Captain Dk'ls of the starship Tr'gn, representing the
     Klingon empire.  Your presence here is an act of war.  Give us the human
     known as Wesley or prepare to die.

Kirk:  [in chair intercom]  Now Scotty!  [turns] Go Sulu!!

[Woooossssshhhhh!!!!!]

============================================================================

Scene 6:

[In a more computerized looking universe...]

Picard:  What's wrong with you.

Crusher:  Shouldn't you be on the bridge?  You're supposed to be monitoring
     the reattachment of the saucer section.

Picard:  No need.  Its on automatic as usual.  I'm let Riker think he's doing
     it manually and...What's wrong?

Crusher:  Dammit, its my son!  Why did you get rid of him?

Picard:  I got rid of them so we could have better adventures.  Troi was
     driving me crazy, and your son was such a brat.  C'mon, we are finally
     alone...no Wesley...no crises...lets get under the covers and...

Crusher:  [pushing Picard into the wall]  You had no right to do that!  He
     may of been a brat, but he was *my* son.  There will be no future between
     us until you get my son back!!  Don't come to me to console you during 
     your next crises!!!

Picard:  Oh alright.  [Pressing insignia]  Riker.  Picard here.  Re-seperate
     saucer section and lets go back and get Wesley and Troi.

===========================================================================

Next Episode...Klingons, Peace, Pain, oh the pain!

===========================================================================

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
| To be continued....|
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/


This episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, has been created, thanks
to the following older episodes:

Trek Classic (old series)         Diet Trek (cartoons) {Same old ST with a
=========================         ====================  bit less Trek than
Charlie X                         More Tribbles, More Troubles        usual}
The Squire of Gothos                                                 
The Naked Time
The Deadly Years
Miri
This Side of Paradise
The Trouble With Tribbles
Ellan of Troyius
The Enterprise Incident
Let That Be Your last Battlefield
And The Children Shall Lead
The Savage Curtain
...and all the other episodes in which Kirk gets lucky...


Cherry Trek (Movies) {Trek with a          New Trek (The Next Generation)
====================  little extra}        ==============================
ST:  The Motion Picture                    Encounter at Farpoint
STII: The Wrath of Khan                    The Naked Now
STIV: The Voyage Home                      Code of Honor
                                           The Last Outpost
                                           

                     ---===> Seth Meyer <===---



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                           * NEW NOVEL *

                       _The Deltan Encounter_

              (Originally called:  Death With a Smile)

...The Story of How Humans Discovered That They Were Sexually Inferior...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 07:58:19 CDT 1989
Status: RO

Article 13064 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The Best of RAS **
Message-ID: <11621@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 5 May 89 05:20:11 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 194

Script by: Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)

       "Old Trek Meets New Trek"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Piccard: "Star Date Unknown - The Enterpise has just come out of Warp speed
          from an appearent "accident" with our Warp Engines.  I sent CMD
          Ryker down to Engineering to find out what happened"

Ryker: [ On Communicator ] "Captain, Ensign Wesley was playing with the warp
       drive controls again - shall we toss him in the brig?"

Piccard: "Oh no Number One - You know that ever since that Alian in the Last
          Outpost told me to encourage his learning I have let him play with
          every control system on the ship!  Hehehe, poor kid was simply having
          fun.  I think that even though he placed 3,100 human lives in danger
          we can let this pass as usual, right Ryker?

Ryker: "Of course Sir - well just do the usual "naughty little child" speach
        and send him down to Transporter Control so he can dinker with that.
        Ryker out."

Piccard: "Hehehe - Kids today, always getting in to trouble don't they?
          Reminds me when I was...."

Troi: "CAPTAIN!  Shouldn't you be thinking up a way to get us out of here?

Piccard: "oh yes your quite right...okay so where are we Data?"

Data: "Appoximately 25 years before our show went on Television Sir.  In the
       days of the Free Speech Movement, Vietnam,  Food for peace, The Cuban
       Missile Crisis, Civil Rights, Protesting, Drug Expirmenting, The
       Beetles, Woodstock..."

Piccard: "JUST THE FACTS DATA."

Data: "well to put it simply we have travled back in time Sir.  Back to the
       days when GOD...er I mean..Gene Roddenbury first started writing these
       scripts...you know back in the dark times."

Piccard: "Yes Data I know of it - Worf, Yar what do the scanners show?"

Worf: "Captain unidentified craft is approaching us.  It is registered as -
       CAPTAIN!  The U.S.S. Enterprise!"

Piccard: "NO!  You mean the original ship with all of it's flaws and mistakes
         that we were created to improve upon?  You mean the mold for which
         90% of our series has copied line for line, story for story?"

Worf: "Yes Sir, and it is pulling into orbit around us captain."

Piccard: "Well then i guess it's time to do the all famous, completely over
          used, everyone give a suggestion to the captain scene."

Yar: "We should take 5 hostages from their ship and torture them until..."
Piccard: "Thanx, Yar - anyone else?"

Worf: "I say we fight to the last man and self destruct the ship"
Ryker: Of course - Never says anything

Yar: "Captain - communication from the other Enterprise"

Piccard: "Put it on Visual Yar"

[ The screne clears and Kirk is on viewer - Sulu, Checkov, Uhura, Spock are in
  the background ]

Kirk "This is the USS Enterprise calling unidentified ship, can you read me"

Piccard: "Enterprise, this is the USS Enterprise of your future.  My name is
          Captain Piccard.  I want you to know that I surr..."

Troi: "NO!  Captain you DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT."

Piccard: "..Ah, yes...er I invite you over here to see what your future looks
          like.  We are from the year 1987 - Where Gene is given a new job
          after 25 years and gets to recreate a New Generation of Star Trek.
          Enterprise, we are the Next Generation!"

Spock: "Captain he refered to Gene Roddenbury.  I believe he was the one that
        got all of us into this mess.  I believe that he might be telling the
        truth.

Kirk: "Commander Enterprise - Prepare to recieve us"

[  In the Transporter Room ]

[ Kirk Materializes with Spock, McCoy and Scotty ]

Piccard: "Welcome to the Enterprise Captain Kirk, my name is Piccard.

Kirk "Hello Mr. Piccard, this is my first officer Mr. Spock, Chief Medical
      officer McCoy and Engineer Mr. Scott"

Scott: [ See's Worf ] "A Klingon!  [ Pulls his phaser ] "I canna believe it
      how'd this nastly little beastie get on 'er ship?  Captain I knew this
      was a Klingon trap.

Kirk: "Easy Scotty, lets let Piccard explain to us about this - Captain?"

Piccard: "Well..um..ah - you see, Gene Decided that there would be this new
          alian in 1987 and it would be named the Ferengi..and uh...we would
          pretend like all the agressions of the past didn't happen and we
          are all friends now and there is no real explaination..uh"

Kirk: "I see.  You mean to tell me that we have to be friends!!!  After all
       I've gone through - and now Gene makes us friends!!   Were's the script
       writer..LET ME AT 'EM, LET ME AT 'EM!!!!

Spock: "Hypo him doctor!"

McCoy: " [ Hypo's Him ] - Easy Jim.  Here's a sedative."

Scotty: "Alright Klingon - at ease.  I guess Gene has his reasons, but someday
         I'll get even."

Kirk: "Whew - I am okay now - shall we tour the ship gentlemen?"

[ Piccard leads them to the bridge ]

Piccard: "This is the bridge gentlemen -"

Spock: " [ See's Wesley ] Facinating Captain they use teenagers on the bridge!

Kirk: "Piccard - why do you let allow teenagers on the bridge?"

Piccard: "Well..uh captain, you see Gene has determinded that todays viewing
         audience is below the age of 13 years old.  Therefore all of us
         that have spend years and years working for Star Fleet and attending
         the academy have been outclassed by - you guessed it - someone that
         is 1/5 of our age.  Let me show you - Wesley?"

Wesley: "Yes Captain?"

Piccard: "I want you to turn my communicator into a combination phaser rifle
          and grenade launcher, okay?"

Wesley: "But of course Captain, right away!"

McDougal: "Captain, I have been an Engineer for 27 years and I am absolutely
           positive that that cannot possably be done!"

Wesley: "What?  You must be the dumbest, stupidest person I know!!  All you have
         to do is push these three buttons, turn this dial, pull down this
         lever, turn this gidget [ okay - this goes on for another 30 seconds ]

         and presto - what is absolutely, positively impossible is done!

Piccard: "Isn't that amazing!  I mean my Engineer now looks like the biggest
          dolt on the ship - but boy - doesn't Wesley look intelligent!" 

Spock: "Facinating Captain - the kid actually does "steal the show" as the
        20th century producers used to call it."

Scotty: "Ay - but if he was in my Engineer'in section and double talked my like
         that I'd have 'em placed into the matter/anti-matter condenser to
         be sure."

Kirk: "Uh-huh - well I tell you what I think we'd better be getting back now"

Piccard: "So soon, I was going to let Ryker show you the rest of the ship"

Spock: "This unit..er..person seems to serve no perpose - what does he do?"

Piccard: "..er..uh well he takes over for people when they should be doing it
         themselves.  He's like a Wesley in reverse - he takes over someone
         elses job and screws it up worse than they would have done otherwise.
         But he always looks like a hero in the end.

Kirk: [putting on a faked smile] Well isn't that helpful!"

[ Pulling his Communicator ]

Kirk: "Sulu 4 to transport back"

Wesley: "Wait - Remember I made modifications to our transporter!  Can I
         transport you back, can I, can I?"

Kirk: "Well..uh..okay - Sulu belay that order - we'll let use the New Enterprise
      transporters instead.

Wesley: "Weeeeeeeeee!  Okay here we go!  Locking on to your coordinates - okay
        beaming!"

COMPUTER: MALFUNCTION, MALFUNCTION, MALFUNCTION -

Kirk: "Hay uh - AAARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!"

         [ And the Rest is - uh hummm - history! ]

Please E-MAIL ALL Flames - Don't post to the NET!

"UUCP is responding Sir"
"Okay let's quench those flames!"


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 07:58:31 CDT 1989
Status: RO

Article 13065 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The Best of RAS **
Message-ID: <11622@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 5 May 89 05:24:16 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 184

After YAR died (because the moving Oil Slick named ARMUS had killed her
in Episode 'Skin of Evil').  But after the terrible loss of Denise 
Crosy - it was announced that Dr. Crusher was going to leave the show!!
At this time we had no idea how she would be killed off (which was a
robbery in it'self because we NEVER got to see her leave ;-(  So I
wrote this script showing the crew of TNG returning to AMUSES planet
to let AMRUS have 1 last victem ;)  (hehe as if YAR wasn't enough!)

Script by: Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Captains Log: Stardate 23323.22.  By order of the Vice Admerial of Star
              Fleet (Gene Roddenbury) we are in route to Armuses's planet
              to rid oursleves of another cast member...er..crew.  This
              order from Star Fleet troubles me, but I dare not defy
              a direct order from Star Fleet Command.

Data: Captain we have entered orbit around ...... (Skin of Evil).

Picard: Excellent!  Ryker assemble a landing party of Worf, Gordi, Data
        Troi..and...uh...let me see here who else should go along on
        this trip???  Hummm....

Gene: (from behind the Sound Stage) Dr CRUSHER you bone head!!

Picard: er...ah yes, Dr. Crusher.

Ryker: Right away Captain!  [ place typical GLEEFUL Ryker smile here ]

[..and so they beam down..]

Ryker: Becareful - remeber the moving Oil Slick we encountered down here
       before.

Data: Captain Ryker, I am picking up strange life readings..

Worf: Captain, if I may add, it was a mistake for us to beam back down here
      again.  Why did we risk coming here?

Troi: True Captain, I FEEELLL anger, frustration, revenge, yogurt, granola,
      whole wheat...

Ryker: ENOUGH TROI!!! Say uh..Dr. Crusher why don't you scout ahead of us
       a little bit.  Tell us what you find.

Worf: [ Wispers to Data ] Say Data at least we know who's getting it in this
      episode!!

Data: [ Wispers back ] Shhhhhh - you don't want to get Gene sore at US too
      do you???  Remeber what happened to Yar.

(Suddenly - the Moving Oil Slick appears - Armus!)

Troi: Ohno, oh please...oh God No, this is horrible.  Evil, Evil, Evil..

Crusher: Hay, CUT,CUT,CUT - Gene can I talk to you for a sec?

Gene: (appearing from behind the sound stage) - Yes, what can I do for you
      Mrs. Macfadden?

Crusher: Well it just seems silly for me to get wiped out by Armus again.
         Can't you come up with an original death for me?

Gene: Well due to the writers strike..

Crusher: GENE!!  This is rediculous.  I was hoping you were going to grant
         me a decent death - long and agonizing, maybe even include a scene
         where I give up my life to save a fellow cast memeber.  Besides
         who wants to listen to Troi scream and moan while Armus teases
         her again??

Gene: I'm sorry miss Macfadden but you'll just have to ride this out as best
      you can.  Okay everybody let's pick it up with "Oh no please....oh God,
      No this is horrible...etc"

Script Writer Bob: ACTION!!

Armus: SO!  You've come again!  No I'm going to kill each of you one by one

Troi: NOOO Oh God no...please...

Armus: We'll begin with ..uh...

Gene: (From behind the Sound Stage) Dr. CRUSHER!!  Come on people, get with it!

Armus: ah yes, Dr. Crusher..

Troi: Oh pain, oh agony, oh suffering...

Armus: YYYEESSSS, it frightens you doesn't it? 

Tori: Noooo.. Oh please stop it...stop it...

Armus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Troi: Oh God, No .. oh stop.... oh frustration .... oh Granola ...

Gene: CUT - okay, okay I see what you mean, this is a pretty bad scene.  Let's
      make it a little more interesting.  Bob - "Beam Down" the dweeb..er..
      Wesley.

Bob: okay... ACTION!!

[ Wesley beams down... ]

Crusher: (to Armus) You will never get away with this!!

Armus: Ah, but YOU are a co-star while *I* am only an extra.  You wanted a 
       fair salary, more lines, a real piece of the show, but now you'll never
       get it.  Welcome to Hollywood, DR. CRUSHER!!!!  (bright beam flares 
       from the glowing Oil Slick and pushes Dr. Crusher 50 feet into the air)

Wesley: Mom!

Troi: Pain, Great Pain...

[ All rush to Dr. Crushers fallen body ]

Wesley: Mom! oh mom..<sob>

Crusher: [ weak sounding ] ........Wesley?.....

Wesley: yeah Mom? <Sob>

Crusher: ..... shut up.....oh..and...Gene?...

Gene: (from behind the Sound Stage) I'm here Dr. Crusher

Crusher: ...I'll be back!

Gene: Only in reruns..

Crusher: don't count on it, I won't die as peacefully as Yar did.  This may
         be the second main character that you've managed to kill off in
         1 1/4 seasons - but pretty soon your going to run out of "kill-able"
         characters.  Heck Gene, you haven't even found a REAL chief engineer
         yet!

Gene: Yes, and NOW we haven't found a DOCTOR yet either!  Bring in the Doctor
      of the week!

[ Enter McCoy ...]

McCoy: What the devils going on here.  I'm a doctor not a drama critic.

Crusher: Oh yeah!  Just once I'd like to see the doctor DIE while trying to
         save the ship from YET ANOTHER strange and un-encountered virus!!

Gene: That's good Gates... please pick your check up at the door. 

Wesley: gee golly Mr. Roddenbury I guess both my parents are dead now.  <Sob>

Gene: there, there Wesley, we'll work something out.  After all Picard DID
      bring your Dad home dead - so now we can tell the "non-union" script
      writers to give you more lines like, "If *I* were a grown up you'd
      listen to me!" and "Look at me, both *my* parents are dead, don't
      you feel sorry for me?"  Think of the possibilities that have openned
      up for your character!

Wesley: Gee, I never thought of that Mr. Roddenbury, you sure are swell!

Gene: That's Hollywood Son, now you run along and play with the Transporter
      while Uncle Roddenbury finishes the script.

Wesley: Okay. weeeeee.....

Gene: Okay now that Gates Macfadden is out of the way - let's pick it up
      where we left off..

Script Writer Bob: ACTION!!

Armus: YYYEEESSS, she's dead!!  I've killed her! hahahahahaha

Troi: oh God no... please ... stop the hurting ... stop it... stop it


[ And you know the rest..... ]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Kirk, Bones, Scotty and Lt. Lebowitz all beam down to the planet, guess who
 doesn't make it BACK TO THE ENTERPRISE!!!"
BITNET:  JTRIM@DUCAIR
UUCP:  { ncar, isis, onecom }udenva!jtrim   INET: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 07:58:53 CDT 1989
Status: RO

Article 13066 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11623@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 5 May 89 05:26:49 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 106


Script by: Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picard: "Star Date 144565.09.  We are in orbit around Gamma-Bingulese VI,
         and we have established no contact with the civilization there.
         I anxiously awaiting a script change so I can get on with this
         episode"

[ Enter Wesley - wearing his usual RAINBROW BRIGHT Costume ]

Picard: "Ensign Crusher, WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRIDGE??"

Wesley: "...uh...I was planning on NAVIGATING the ship as ALWAYS Sir!  You know
         if I WAS AN ADULT you wouldn't give me this kind of trouble all the
         time!!"

Picard: "It's not because your YOUNG, it's because you behave like a 2 year
         old!  Act like a man and fly the ship for once!!"

Wesley: "If you keep pushing me Picard I'm gonna pull Rank on you!"

Picard: "HA!  A little IMP like you!  You couldn't pull rank on me in 20
         Billion Years!!  If I could write these scripts I'd have you beamed
         on to an asteroid"

Wesley: "Okay Picard, that's it!  Gene?"

Gene: "Why, Yes Wesley!"

Wesley: "I want you to let me run the ship for once!!"

Gene: "Okay, let me tell script writer Bob.  YO BOB!"

Bob: "I've already got the answer to this one Gene!  Ready - ACTION!!"

Yar: "Message from Star Fleet Command!  Ensign Crusher get's Immediate
      Command!"

Troi: "Oh Pain, Great Pain.."

[ Yar is about to say something WHEN... ]

Wesley: "DON'T SAY IT YAR!  You only get one line per episode"

Yar: "Oh yeah, I forgot about that...[ realizing her mistake ]
      oops, oh well I guess I've said this weeks line! 
      I guess I am picking my check up at the door now.

Gene: That's right Yar, bye now!

Yar: "See you next week Gene!"

Welsey: "Take Mr. Picard and his Smiling "Number One" down to security and
         Book 'em!"

Picard: [ Realizing it's a choice of Fight or Surrender to the situation ]
        "Okay, I surrender!"

Wesley: "I knew you would Sir, bye now!"

Data: "What are your orders [ trying to keep from laughing ], Captain Welsey?"

Welsey: "Oh Boy..weeeeeeee. Gee Golly this is fun!  What does that button
         do?  I want to try the Photon Firing Controls, launch a couple of
         those Gravidic Mines!"

Worf: "Okay, I'VE HAD IT.  [ Pulls out a Klingon Communicator ] Beam outta
       here Krudge!"

Krudge: "Gladly Worf!  Disengage Cloaking Device!"

[ In front of Enterprise, a Shimering Klingon Bird of Prey appears ]
[ at that same instance, Worf Beams Away! ]

...seconds later:  Worf to Enterprise

Ryker: Worf, is that you?

Worf: "You betcha!  On this ship I get to have more lines and I don't have
       to say stuff like "Oh Gee Wesley your such a GOD"  It's great!  Want
       to switch sides?

Ryker: "SURE - count me in, anyone else?"

Troi: [ looking at Wesley ]..uh..yeah!  Get me off this rust bucket!"

Data: "Intriging, we'd actually get more LINES!  Count me in!"
       Besides he took over MY NAVIGATION Station!  I've wanted to get even
       for 20 episodes now!!"

Picard: "You know after the 21st episode Wesley's shirt has really started
         to smell.  ICK, I would just leave to get away from that!"
         Change your shirt for cristsake!!!  Put on some deoderant!!"

[ They beam out, leaving Wesley alone on the bridge ]

Wesley: "Aw Gee.... [tears on his face ], WAAAAAHH."

Gene: "Cheer up Wesley, you still have 3,100 other people to command"

Wesley: "Oh Yeah!  That's Right!  All Kids between the ages of 12-15 report
         to the bridge!"

And so, we leave the TNG - as it always is, with Wesley getting all the lines
and all the kids having all the fun!  But isn't that what Star Trek is all
about?  We don't need mature adults in space after all - Wesley can handle it!


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 08:03:06 CDT 1989
Status: O

Article 13069 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!uxc!csd4.milw.wisc.edu!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11626@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 5 May 89 05:38:36 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 327


SCRIPT BY:

>From: smeyer@topaz.rutgers.edu (Seth Meyer)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: Star Trek: The Next Generation.....Episode 20
Keywords: Wesley & Troi Aboard Kirk's Enterprise
Date: 28 Oct 87 14:41:42 GMT
Organization: Rutgers Univ., New Brunswick, N.J.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sponsors: Pepsi - The Choice of the Next Generation
           Phaser Tag - The Game That Moves Faster Than the Speed of
                        Light (From Universe Of Wonder)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------         Star Trek:  The Next Generation           ----------
----------    Episode XX:  Share Minds but Kill the Kid      ----------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Scene 1:

[Sickbay...Kirk Enters]

Kirk:  How is she Bones?

McCoy:  Well, Jim, I gave her a sedative but she keeps rambling on.

Troi:  oh..pain...share minds...never got to share....mommy...

McCoy:  I told Nurse Chapel to leave.  'Mom' that is.  I don't get the
     connection but it was driving Chapel crazy.

Kirk:  [rubbing his chin] Share minds...hmm...What does she mean by 
     sharing minds?

McCoy:  I'm not sure...It's like nothing I've ever encountered.

[Kirk presses button on wall intercom]

Kirk:  Kirk to Spock...

Spock: <<Spock here captain.>>

Kirk:  Come to sickbay.  We want you to help us with Troi.

Spock:  <<Affermative Captain.  But what shall I do with Wesley?>>

Kirk:  Explain.

Spock:  <<Well he said he's trying to re-invent Transwarp Drive.>>

Kirk:  Hmm...Let him talk to Scotty.

Spock:  <<Acknowledged.>>

[After a minute, Spock enters sickbay]

Kirk:  Spock, we need you to mind meld with Troi here.  Find out what you
     can.

Spock:  Acknowledged. [places fingers carefully on Troi's face] Our minds
     are getting closer and closer...

Troi:  Yesss...Share minds...

Spock:                ...Our minds are wow!  [a smile appears on Spock's
     face.  He starts to blush, and he begins to shudder uncontrollably.
     Spock's face begins to moisten with sweat, and both eyebrows are
     'jumping' up and down.  Finally, after three minutes, the contact
     is broken, though Spock's odd grin persists]...oboy, oboy, oboy!
     Errr...I mean fascinating.

Troi:  Oh yes!  Joy!  Pleasure!  Satisfaction!  Wonderful!  Gratitude!
     Again!!  [Chapel enters]  Mom!!  [Chapel exits, blushing]  Confusion...
     dismay...pain...oh the pain!!  [Spock proceeds to mind meld again]
     Yes!!  Joy!  More!!

Kirk:  Keep her quiet and give me a report in an hour, Mr. Spock.

Spock:   If you...uhhh...insist.

Kirk:  Bones, lets go check up on Wesley.

[Exit]

=======================================================================

Scene 2:

Scotty: ...an' if ya ever try ta do that again, I'll take ya by yur
     bloody hair and send ya into space and torp' you, ya little...

[Kirk enters]

Scotty:  Captin'!  Thank God yur here!

Kirk:  What happened?

Scotty:  Well, this little brat came down here an' used this here device
     ta make it sound like your voice, tellin me to come up to the 
     bridge.  When I found out you were in sickbay and that Wesley was going
     ta meet me, I ran back here but Wesley locked the Engineering doors.
     It took me a good two minutes to reprogram the computer to override
     Wesley's practical joke.

Wes:  I'm sorry, but gee, it was fun!

Kirk:  Take it easy Scotty.  He really meant no harm.

Scotty:  Aye Captin, but the little bugger better watch his step, or I
     might use the transporter to get rid of his brain.

[Wesley and Kirk leave Engineering]

Kirk:  Wesley, you better watch what you do around here.  Another stunt
     like that and you will be confined.

Wesley:  Gee, Captain, I only want everyone to know how smart I am.  [he
     looks up at Kirk at notices hair]  Gee, you having hair problems?
     Picard did too, 'cept he didn't use a toupee.  He's a real boring
     guy.  Hey how's Troi?

Kirk:  [Yelling and waving arms in old dramatic-Kirk-like fashion]  Listen
     Wesley, *you* have the opportunity...to make something of yourself.
     Don't blow it by doing stupid things.

Wesley:  Gee, you don't have to be so dramatic...

Kirk:  [slamming Wesley into corridor wall]  Listen you stupid little
     jackass!  After Charlie X, Trelayne, Miri & Jahn, and the children
     from Triacus you're nothing.  If you ever try to get wise to me or
     to any of my crew, I will put you over my knee and ......[high pitched
     whistle from intercom]...[pushing intercom button]...What!?

McCoy:  I'm in sickbay, Jim.  Sorry to disturb you, but its Spock.
     I..I think you better get down here.

Kirk:  Why?  Has Spock died again?

McCoy:  Now!

Kirk:  On my way.

[Kirk, followed by Wesley run into the turbo-lift]

=======================================================================

Scene 3:

[Sickbay, Kirk and Wesley enter]

Kirk:  What is it Bones ohmygodisthatspock?

Wesley:  Gosh!

[Kirk and Wesley look in shock at Spock and Troi]

[Spock is sitting next to Troi.  They are both smoking a cigarette, and
 Staring into one another's eyes.  Spock has the biggest grin on his face.]

McCoy:  Well, Jim, Spock seems to be in total bliss.  I haven't
     encountered anything like this since you and that Deltan.  I
     think Spock's life is in danger.

Kirk:  Don't spend too much time worrying about it Bones...Spock will pull
     through...He's a regular.  However, I think I will need some time
     alone with Troi, in my quarters.

Wes:  Oh yeah!  Jimmy boy is gonna do Troi!

Kirk:  [aside to Wesley]...shut up kid!...

=======================================================================

Scene 4:

Chekov:  Cowordinites Captin'?

Kirk:  Hmmmmmm...

Sulu: [to Chekov]  I don't understand it.  He's been like that after that
     session he had with Troi.

Chekov:  [shruggs, and repeats]  Cowordinates Captin'?

Wesley:  Yo Captain!  The ruskie asked you for coordinates!

Kirk:  [Suddenly remembering where he is and what he should be doing and
     that the kid is still on his ship]  Set a course for the neutral zone.
     [presses button on chair]  Scotty, I need maximum warp now!

Scotty:  <<I can give ya warp 9>>

Kirk:  [almost whispering into chair intercom]  Look, do you want to get
     rid of the kid or not?

Scotty:  <<I'll have warp 11 for ya in a jiffy.  Scott out>>

Wesley:  Warp 11 is impossible!!  Maximum logical warp is 10, stupid!  I
     should know.

Kirk:  [into chair intercom]  Security, come to bridge and confine
     Wesley.  Strip search him and I want a twenty-four hour watch on him.

Security Head:  Aye, Sir.

Kirk:  Uhura, send a message to starbase 5, code 2, that the highly 
     valuable commodity, Wesley, is aboard, but we are having engine
     problems and are heading for the neutral zone.

Uhura:  But sir, the Klingon-Romulan Empire have broken code two a long 
     time ago.

Kirk:  I know [smiles to Uhura].

=======================================================================

Scene 5:

[Exiting warp speed...]

Spock:  We are in the neutral zone, Jimbo.

Kirk:  [To Spock]  Jim!  You used to call me Jim!  Remember?  [sighs, and
     then speaks into chair intercom]  Scotty, I need you to transport Wesley
     into the first Klingon ship that enters transportation range, and then
     get us out of here.

Scotty:  <<Aye!  That'll be a pleasure.  And if they thought tribbles were
     bad...>>

Uhura:  Klingons are hailing us.

Kirk:  On viewer.  [she does and nods]

Klingon:  This is Captain Dk'ls of the starship Tr'gn, representing the
     Klingon empire.  Your presence here is an act of war.  Give us the human
     known as Wesley or prepare to die.

Kirk:  [in chair intercom]  Now Scotty!  [turns] Go Sulu!!

[Woooossssshhhhh!!!!!]

============================================================================

Scene 6:

[In a more computerized looking universe...]

Picard:  What's wrong with you.

Crusher:  Shouldn't you be on the bridge?  You're supposed to be monitoring
     the reattachment of the saucer section.

Picard:  No need.  Its on automatic as usual.  I'm let Riker think he's doing
     it manually and...What's wrong?

Crusher:  Dammit, its my son!  Why did you get rid of him?

Picard:  I got rid of them so we could have better adventures.  Troi was
     driving me crazy, and your son was such a brat.  C'mon, we are finally
     alone...no Wesley...no crises...lets get under the covers and...

Crusher:  [pushing Picard into the wall]  You had no right to do that!  He
     may of been a brat, but he was *my* son.  There will be no future between
     us until you get my son back!!  Don't come to me to console you during 
     your next crises!!!

Picard:  Oh alright.  [Pressing insignia]  Riker.  Picard here.  Re-seperate
     saucer section and lets go back and get Wesley and Troi.

===========================================================================

Next Episode...Klingons, Peace, Pain, oh the pain!

===========================================================================

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\
| To be continued....|
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/


This episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, has been created, thanks
to the following older episodes:

Trek Classic (old series)         Diet Trek (cartoons) {Same old ST with a
=========================         ====================  bit less Trek than
Charlie X                         More Tribbles, More Troubles        usual}
The Squire of Gothos                                                 
The Naked Time
The Deadly Years
Miri
This Side of Paradise
The Trouble With Tribbles
Ellan of Troyius
The Enterprise Incident
Let That Be Your last Battlefield
And The Children Shall Lead
The Savage Curtain
...and all the other episodes in which Kirk gets lucky...


Cherry Trek (Movies) {Trek with a          New Trek (The Next Generation)
====================  little extra}        ==============================
ST:  The Motion Picture                    Encounter at Farpoint
STII: The Wrath of Khan                    The Naked Now
STIV: The Voyage Home                      Code of Honor
                                           The Last Outpost
                                           

                     ---===> Seth Meyer <===---



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
                           * NEW NOVEL *

                       _The Deltan Encounter_

              (Originally called:  Death With a Smile)

...The Story of How Humans Discovered That They Were Sexually Inferior...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 08:03:28 CDT 1989
Status: O

Article 13071 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11629@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 6 May 89 03:02:57 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 121

Script by: Jeff Trim (jtrim@orion.cair.du.edu)

         Picard takes Koybiashi Maru Test
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ships Log: Star Date 12123.4, USS Enterpise on Nutral Zone Patrol.

Piccard: "Data - adjust to Parabolic course to avoid entering Nutral Zone
Data: "Ay,Ay Sir - New course is Mark 77.29
Troi: "Captain I am getting a sub-space message on Subspace channel 9"
Piccard: "Put it on the main speaker"

Message: "Enterprise - this is the Kobiyashi Maru...we have struck a pravidic
          mine and have lost all...power...can you assist Enterprise, can
          you assist..."

Troi: "Repeat your message - We are having trouble hearing you, what are your
       coordinates?"

Message: "Enterprise - we are in Gamma-Hydra sector 12"

Piccard: "The Nutral Zone...."

Data: "Data on Kobiyashi Maru - is a Nutronic Fuel Carrier under federation
      registery.  Crew complement is 300 passengers and 12 officers."

Piccard: "Yar - we are going to Red Alert - sound the alarm"

Yar: "Captain - I have all 20 phasers banks ready, 15 torpedoe tubes loaded
      19 wide angle dispersment mines, 22 old style atomic torpedoes and
      I booby traped the Shuttle Craft with 1.2 million tons of TNT so we
      can suicide our attack craft into it!  Kill them captain, kill them
      ALL!"

Piccard: "Yar - all I wanted was a Red Alert Claxon..."
Yar: "Oh - sorry....jumping the gun again wasn't I sir"
Piccard: "Yes you were Yar, but as usual we'll ignore it."

[ Red Alert - All hands man your stations ]

Piccard: "If only I knew what to do..."
Troi: "Captain I suggest we cross the boarder and try to save the ship"
Piccard: "Hay great idea - wish I'd thought of it.  It's a good thing my
          crew can think these things out for me"
Piccard:"Navigator - course 1675.45 Mark 54.76 Warp Factor 8"
Navigator: "Uh..Captain if the starship enters the zone....."

Piccard: "I know what I'm doing Data - but feel free to question my orders
         anytime you feel like it because I am not going to stop you at all
         because I don't mind people doing whatever they feel like."

Ryker: "Captain - I really need to have something to do here, I mean I just
        standing around watching everyone one else do their jobs."

Piccard: "Your right number one, tell you what the main focus of the next
          three scenes is going to be on the the person that fires the weapons
          station so we'll build you ego up a little more and place you there
          where it will look like you are a hero.   
           
Ryker: "I knew you would sir...thank you."

Data: "Entering Nutral Zone captain - Warp Factor 8 and increasing.."
Piccard: "Right, now begin scanning for any signs of those mines, I don't
          want us hitting anything before we reach the Kobiyashi Maru."

Worf: "Trouble captain I have lost the scan image of the Kobiyashi Maru.
       But now I see 9 Romulan War Birds:

Yar: "Captain locking torpedos, arming phasers, dis-patching mines and
      dumping the log bouy..."

Piccard: "HOLD IT!!!  Now I want each of you to tell me what I should do."

Troi: "Captain - jetsion the sauser section"
Yar: "Shoot to kill, take no prisoners"
wolf: "Kill them, fire until have absolutely no chance of winning, then self
       destruct"
Ryker: "Tell the cameraman to get a closeup of me firing the first torpedo"
Data: "Go talk to Crusher down in sickbay"

[ Enter Wesley ]

Data: "Hay you can't be up here - get back down to the Civilian Area"

[ WHAM - First Torpedo Hit ]
[ WHAM - Phaser hits shield #16 crippling decks 2-4 ]

Piccard: "It's okay Data, I am still feeling guily about bringing his father
          home dead so I will let Wesley do whatever he feels like.  GO ahead
          Wesley do whatever you want"

Wesley: "Gee, wow, great - weeeeeeeee, hay what does this button do, let's
         fire torpedoes treat them to some phaser fire"

Piccard:"Silly child don't you know we are going to surrender, kids today"

[WHAM - Second Torpedo hits ]
[WHAM - Two Phaser hits hit shild #34 ]
[WHAM - Third Torpedo hits - damage to shuttle deck ]

Wesley: "Gee - lets try to do what kirk did in Star Trek III"
Piccard: "Hehehe kids, okay Wesley what did Kirk do, hehehehe"

Wesley: "Computer code 1-1A
                  code 1-1A-2B
                  code 1B-2B-3
WORKING -

Wesley: "Final Sequence: 000-destruct-0

Piccard: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!  GET OFF THE BRIDGE YOU $^&$# KID!!"
Troi: "OH - Captain I feel pain, great pain"
Data: "Sorry I can't help captain - I got caught in another finger trap"
worf: "To die in this fasion is honorable"
Ryker: "Hay - turn that camera over here!"

9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1----------BOOM

And the rest is history...

               - Keep On Trek'en


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 08:03:41 CDT 1989
Status: O

Article 13072 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11631@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 6 May 89 03:08:23 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 234

SCRIPT BY:

>From: leonard@tekecs.TEK.COM (Leonard Bottleman)
Subject: Script for Episode 13 of ST:TNG!
Date: 9 Oct 87 21:19:08 GMT
Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Wilsonville, OR
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A friend of mine in LA knows this person who was visiting Paramount Studios
when he found this script in the executive mens' room.  On the cover sheet
was scribbled "I think we should go with this, Gene R."  Sounds pretty
authentic to me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


		STAR TREK: The Next Generation

			Episode XIII

			  "Willi"

[Special effects: Against a background of stars and nebulae, the Galaxy
 class ship Enterprise swiftly passes by the camera with an unrealistic,
 but aesthetically pleasing, "swoosh!"]

[The scene changes and the fiery glow of a RED ALERT warning fills the
 main bridge. Some of the crew look a little confused, because instead
 of the normal emergency klaxon, an old-earth fog horn is blowing with
 a roar that is deafening. Wesley Crusher is standing by a turbo-lift
 door, snickering to himself.]

Captain Picard [looking annoyed]: "Captain's log: supplemental entry. I
				   have asked Commander Data to take the
				   necessary actions to reinstate an
				   old navy tradition, keel-hauling.
				   Refer to my previous entries on
				   throwing away a brilliant Starfleet
				   career for momentary satisfaction."

Ryker: "Data, give me the sensor readout for the ship that's closing in with
	us."

Data: "The ship seems to run on a subspace, deutronium fueled impulse
       drive. It is very small. The Enterprise has one to the sixty-third
       times its volume..."

Ryker [In an irritated tone] "Data, one to any power is still one, I think
			      you haven't the slightest idea what you're
			      talking about."

Data [His silver skin tone flushing to grey as he blushes in embarrassment]:
     "Uh, um... let me explain warp speed to you. See, you take the speed
     of light..."

Worf: "Captain, the enemy vessel has fired on us!"

[Switch to close up of main view-screen, revealing, in addition to the usual
 background stars, a blob of light in the center of the screen, and strands
 of webbing, which bear an uncanny resemblance to the special effects used
 in "The Amazing Spiderman," streaming towards the view-screen.]

[Switch back to bridge. As the web engulfs the Enterprise, the bridge
 rolls back and forth, with crew members grabbing onto the railings for
 support as the lights flicker off and then on again.]

Worf: "We've stopped, sir, but the alien vessel has vanished."

Yar: "Captain, I'm getting a report of a ship materializing in the
      shuttle craft bay."

Picard: "Ryker, Yar, and Troi, go down to the shuttle bay and find
	 out who these beings are, and what they want with us. If
	 you need me, I'll be down in sick bay apologizing to
	 Doctor Crusher."

[The three officers enter the turbo-lift, and Wesley follows them.]

Ryker [To the lift computer]: "Shuttle craft bay."

[A moment or so passes before Ryker realizes the lift hasn't moved.]

Ryker [In a more forceful tone]: "Shuttle craft bay."

Lift Computer: "No record of a shuttle craft bay onboard this vessel."

Ryker [Really pissed now]: "Dammit! I know this ship has a shuttle bay -
			    I heard it mentioned in the pilot episode -
			    isn't it in the secondary hull?"

Lift Computer [In a snooty voice] "There is NO shuttle craft bay listed
				   for this ship."

[Commander Yar intervenes in the conversation by performing a side-kick to
 the lift computer. Her efforts are rewarded by a shower of sparks, and
 the lighting in the lift dimming somewhat.]

Yar: "There's nothing I hate more than insubordination!"

Troi: "I feel a great anger and hostility directed at someone in this lift -
       no, wait - it's quickly changing to nausea..."

Wesley: "We can find the shuttle craft bay by tying in the ships sensors to
	 the lift computer, and thereby calculating the exact coordinates of
	 the bay by using a simple four dimensional trapezoidal transform."

[As he explains, Wesley opens the lift access hatch and crosses two wires.
 The turbo lift whirs to life, stops, and the doors slide open.]

Lift Computer: "Shuttle craft bay."

[Smoke clears from the bay to reveal a grey, saucer shaped craft, which
 is supported by telescoping legs. A ramp descends between two of the
 legs, and down this ramp, a small, foreboding figure slowly descends.]

[Commander Troi groans in pain, rolls her eyes up, and doubles over onto
 the floor.]

Ryker: "What do you feel, Troi? Is it the intense pain of a loneliness known
	only to those who are condemned to roam the vastness of space for all
	eternity?"

Troi: "No, it's just gas. Wesley reprogrammed the food synthesizers so they
       only make Mexican dishes."

Small foreboding figure: "You are all in great danger! Go back from whence
			  you came."

Ryker: "Wait a minute - I just happened to be reading about one of the
	first exploratory space vessel sent from earth. Your ship looks just
	like the Jupiter II, but that ship was launched with a family on
	board."

Small foreboding figure: "Yes, my ship is the Jupiter II. Many years ago we
			  landed on a planet inhabited only by children. My
			  father was the first to die: a particularly ugly
			  youth snuck up behind him and with a "bonk! bonk!"
			  killed him. Slowly, all of the other adults from
			  our ship died of a strange disease."

[An old, thin man looks out from the Jupiter II, gives a startled cry, and
 runs down the ramp.]

Old Man: "Oh, Will Robinson, thank heavens you've found another ship - a
	  ship with adults!"

Will: "Dr. Smith..."

Ryker: "Dr. Smith? I read that Dr. Smith was on the Jupiter II when it
	was launched. I thought you said all the adults from your ship
	died."

Will: "That's right."

Troi: "Oh, the pain! The pain!"

Yar: "Hey kid, what did you mean by that comment about us being in danger?"

Will: "The Jupiter II's sensors detected a fault in your matter/antimatter
       interflux regulator. I estimate that you have exactly three hours,
       twenty seven minutes, and thirteen seconds before the ship's power
       converters go critical."

Wesley: "Is that all?! I can fix that problem with my pseudo-hypertech
	 converter corrector, which I built from a kit by Starfleet
	 Shack. Of course, we'll have to tie it in with the ship's
	 main power supply, making sure the power shifts are in phase
	 when we do."

[A large robot with a cylindrical torso, bubble head, and rubber booties
 mounted on a rolling truck rumbles down the spaceship's ramp and towards
 the group. The robot's accordion arms are fully extended and swinging up
 and down wildly.]

Robot: "Danger, Will Robinson, danger!"

Will: "Yes, Robot, I've already said that."

Robot: "You do not understand. This ship is not in danger, but this plot
	is! Once again, in an attempt to capture the prepubescent male
	viewing audience, the writers have resorted to the 'whiz kid'
	plot gimmick - the very same plot gimmick that doomed our series.
	Remember our first season? Dr. Smith was an evil meddler, I
	was a cold, ruthless robot, and you were an ordinary kid. But
	then your character was changed into the 'boy genius' stereotype,
	and I became your pal, and Dr. Smith became a whining nincompoop
	to contrast with your brilliance. The new episodes were all rehashes
	of the same theme: boy genius saves the day. Oh, stop me Will, I'm
	waxing poetic."

[Will reaches over to the robot and pulls a small circuit board from its side
 and drops the board to the floor. The lights in the robot's bubble-head
 go out, and it lists to one side.]

Will: "You people are a bunch of stiff shirts! I was just trying to have
       some fun with the story-line, but all you guys want is realism
       and consistency. I'm out of here."

Wesley: "Where are you going?"

Will: "I'm meeting a friend of mine, Trelane, and we're gonna head over
       to Andromeda and egg any ships traveling through the intergalactic
       lanes. Why don't you leave these relics and join me."

[Troi picks up the circuit board and plugs it back into the robot. The
 robot's lights come back on as it lifts itself up straight.]

Yar: "Hey, big boy, have you been programmed to use those pinchers for
      pleasure?"

Robot: "No, but I can shoot 250,000 volts of electricity through them."

Yar: "Ooh, would you care to join Commander Data and me in my quarters
      later on today for a little cybernetic frolic?"

[The two adolescents clamber onboard the Jupiter II, and it zips out
 of the shuttle bay - unfortunately, leaving a gaping hole in the
 shuttle bay doors, which had never been opened.]

Ryker [to Troi]: "What do you feel?"

Troi: "I feel like a cheese burrito."

[The scene slowly changes to the Enterprise moving away from the camera,
 as the rest of the crew laughs with what is suppose to be mild amusement,
 but is in fact, intense relief that their characters didn't end up with
 such a lame line.]

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can hardly wait to see it!

Leonard Bottleman		"What is it, Mr. Spock?"
leonard@elf.GWD.TEK.COM		"The captain has a tomato."


>From deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim Sat May  6 08:04:08 CDT 1989
Status: O

Article 13073 of rec.arts.startrek:
Path: deimos.cis.ksu.edu!unmvax!indri!pikes!csm9a!isis!udenva!jtrim
>From: jtrim@udenva.cair.du.edu (Jeff Trim)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Subject: ** The BEST of RAS **
Message-ID: <11630@dutyche.cair.du.edu>
Date: 6 May 89 03:05:50 GMT
Reply-To: jtrim@udenva.UUCP (Mac Man)
Organization: U of Denver
Lines: 1586

SCRIPT BY:

>From: ewhac@well.UUCP (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)
Subject: "Where No Sane Man Would Go" (A ST:TNG parody)
Summary: It's *big*, but I think it's worth it.
Keywords: TNG, parody, cheese grater
Date: 23 Jun 88 08:44:23 GMT
Organization: Slow-Witted Weapons Experts, Ltd.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


	Every one else seems to be writing a Star Trek parody, so I guess
it's my turn (although my friends would suggest that my time would be
better spent on _MircoSaga_).

	What with all the "suggestions" for the next season being bandied
about, Gates McFadden leaving, Crosby already dead, the Romulans being
"back", and nobody being particularly fond of Wheaton or Frakes; AND a
whole bunch of other things, I think we have some ripe writing material
here.

	So here goes.  Excuse any spelling errors; they're all typos,
anyway.  Honest.

[Postscript: Feel free to cross-post this across the Universe.  Just remember
to give proper credit to the author (namely, me).  Thanks.]
--------

			Star Trek: The Next (de)Generation

			   "Where No Sane Man Would Go"

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.0:
	After a particularly poorly written but nonetheless successful
first season, the Enterprise has been assigned to do an exploratory survey
of an unexplored quadrant nearest the center of the galaxy, in the hopes
that something interesting will happen.  On another note, I must admit that
I am somewhat distressed at the seemingly random nature of these stardates
I am required to quote.  They remain a great mystery to me, despite the
extensive research that was done on them nearly 400 years ago.

Picard:	Stop smirking, number one.

Riker:	I wasn't aware that I was, sir.

Picard:	You do, Riker.  All the time.  And stop leaning against things
	with your head hunched down between your shoulders.

Riker:	[Standing up straight for a change]  Aye, sir.

	[ Tweedlesquirge ]

Data:	Captain, ship's sensors have detected a derelict spacecraft at
	extreme range.

Picard:	Analysis?

Data:	It's too far away for any meaningful scan, sir.

Picard:	Then how do you know it's a derelict?

Data:	I do not know, sir.  I would speculate that it is a writer's error.

Picard:	Obviously.  Well, let's rubberband our way over there and have a
	look at it.  Geordi, set course.

Geordi:	Aye, sir.  Three two two point eight nine mark four three....
	seven...  and some other meaningful numbers.

Picard:	Engage.

	[ Purrdlefreezowp ]

EXTERNAL SHOT:

	[ fwEESH!!!   POOOWWWWWW!!!!! ]

BRIDGE:

Data:	Approaching derelict craft.

Picard:	Scan it, Mr. Data.

	[ Blinkitydinkitydinkityzeerp ]

Data:	It appears to be an old Earth craft from the late 20th century.

Picard:	[Muttering] Not again....

Data:	It seems to be saucer-shaped, with little lights that spin around
	and around on the bottom, serving no other readily apparent
	function.

Riker:	I've got a bad feeling about this.

Troi:	Hey!  That's MY line!

Riker:	Well, you dropped your cue....

Picard:	I will *not* have petty bickering on my bridge.

Data:	Awwww....

Picard:	Riker, put together an away team.

Riker:	Aye, sir.  Geordi, Worf; come with me.  [Shouting at ceiling]
	Lieutenant Tsu to the bridge.

Ceiling:  OH, GOODIE!

Picard:	And don't bother to wear environmental suits, since they obviously
	have an oxygen-pressurized atmosphere over there.

Riker:	Of course, sir.

--------
	[ Fade.  Opening credits.  Commerical for Ginsu Knives and a
digital watch (if you order now), followed by a man accusing you of having
gingivitis. ]
--------

Captain's Log, Stardate 32768.5:
	We have encountered a dippy-looking flying saucer.  Riker, LaForge,
and Worf are beaming over to investigate.  While these plots always resolve
themselves in 50 minutes, I nontheless feel that this is going to be very
unpleasant.

INTERIOR, DERELICT SPACECRAFT.  A DOME-ISH STRUCTURE IS IN THE MIDDLE THAT
LOOKS VAGUELY LIKE A COMPASS.  STEEL SQUARES ADORN ONE WALL, DESCENDING TO A
LOWER LEVEL, RIGHT NEXT TO AN ELEVATOR.  THE CAMERA PANS TO A CONTROL PANEL
FILLED WITH SWITCHES AND FLASHING LIGHTS WHICH IS SET BEFORE A LARGE
ORDINARY PLATE GLASS WINDOW WHICH LOOKS OUT INTO OPEN SPACE.

	[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh!  The away team appears. ]

Riker:	[Tapping communicator]  Down and safe.

Worf:	Uh, wrong series, sir.

Riker:	Ooops...

Picard:	Good, number one.  Keep the channel open and continue to report.

Riker:	Aye, sir.

Picard:	And don't smirk.

Riker:	Yes, sir.

Geordi:	Sir, this doesn't make any sense.  This is an ordinary plate glass
	window, and yet it looks out onto open space.  It should shatter
	under the pressure.

Riker:	That's nothing compared to what I think we're going to find.

Worf:	OOoooo.  Foreshadowing.

Geordi:	[Looking through a disc of plexiglas]  Now, *this* is
	interesting...

Picard:	Describe what you see, Geordi.

Geordi:	I see...  Jimmy, and Tommy, and Billy, and Susan, and Mary......

Riker:	Come on, Worf.  Let's go downstairs.

	[ Riker and Worf go downstairs. ]

Riker:	Well, here we are downstairs.

Worf:	It appears to be the crew's quarters.

	[ Riker draws a curtain and finds two bunkbeds, with a human female
in each. ]

Riker:	Hey!  Lookit what I found!

Picard:	What have you found, Number One?

Riker:	No, I found two females.  They appear to be in some sort of coma.

	[ Worf draws another curtain, and finds two human males. ]

Worf:	Two more humans over here, sir.  They also appear to be comatose.

	[ Riker moves to examine the newfound humans, while Worf draws
another curtain and finds a young boy and an oldish man. ]

Worf:	Still more over here, also dead to the universe.

Picard:	Let's hope they stay that way.

	[ Suddenly, the old man wakes with a start. ]

O.M:	AAGGGHHH!!!!  Oh, good heavens!  Who are you??  What do you want??

Riker:	No such luck, sir.

Picard:	Oh, piss...

O.M:	[Pointing at Worf, cowering]  What are *you*??

Worf:	I am a Klingon.

O.M:	[Cowering]  Oh, how very apt.

	[ As a result of the old man's screaming, the others come out of
their coma. ]

Man 1:	Who are you?  What are doing on my ship?

Woman 1:  Who are they?

Man 1:	I don't know.

Worf:	I think we better get Geordi down here, sir.

Riker:	Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Geordi....

Geordi:	...Patrick, and Walter, and Edna, and Sally, and.....

Riker:	Put a sock in it, LaForge, and get down here!

Geordi:	.... er, yes, sir!

Man 1:	Who are you?

Riker:	I am Commander William T. Riker, and this is Lieutenant Worf.

Man 1:	Where do you come from?  How did you get aboard?

Riker:	We're from the Starship Enterprise.

Man 1:	Never heard of it.

	[ Riker and Worf flash each other quizzical looks.  Geordi enters
from the rear of the room. ]

Riker:	We're from Starfleet Command.

	[ No response. ]

Riker:	The United Federation of Planets.

	[ Still no response. ]

Riker:	Earth, you dullards!

Man 1:	Oh!  Sorry.  We've been out of touch for a while.

Riker:	And you are.....

Man 1:	My name is Robinson.  This is my wife, whose name I can't seem to
	remember; my co-pilot, whose name I also can't seem to remember;
	my daughter, Penny; and my son, Will.

O.M:	[Sheepishly]  Hello...

Robinson:  And *that* is Dr. Zachary Smith.

Smith:	How do you do, sir.  I apologize for my appalling behavior earlier.
	I should have recognized immediately that you were from Earth.  I
	fear my powers of perception are failing me.

	[ A vaguely mechanical voice descends on the elevator. ]

Voice:	Disturbance!  Disturbance!  I will render assistance.

Robnsn:	And that is our robot.

Picard:	Riker!  What's going on???

Riker:	We've encountered six humans and a robot.  They seem ordinary
	enough, though they haven't heard of the Federation.

Data:	I recommend we beam them over, sir.

Picard:	You would.

Geordi:	I concur with Data, sir.  That plate glass window is going to go
	at.....  *Any Moment!*

Picard:	Oh, very well.  But keep them out of my way.

Tsu:	[Bouncing onto the bridge, if you know what I mean, and I think
	you do]  I'm here, sir.

Picard:	Good.  Take Geordi's station.

Riker:	Transporter room!

Xport:	Sir.

Picard:	Nine people and a robot to beam over.

Xport:	Ready to beam you over, sir.

Riker:	Engage.

Xport:	You mean "energize".

Riker:	Oh, yeah.  Right.

Xport:	........ Well?

Riker:	ENERGIZE!!!!!!

	[ FFFeeeeeerrrrrrrrzzzzzzzzsssshhhhhhhh! ]

CUT TO MEDICAL BAY.  THE DOCTOR IS EXAMINING DR. SMITH.  THE REST OF THE
DIPS ARE WATCHING.  PICARD ENTERS WITH DATA AND TROI.  THE DOCTOR TURNS TO
ADDRESS PICARD.

McCoy:	Dammit, Picard.  What do you think you're doing throwing these
	peoples' molecules all over creation?

Picard:	Admiral McCoy!  What are you doing here?

McCoy:	Starfleet cited a seldom-used activation clause.  Why the hell did
	you fire Crusher, anyway?

Picard:	She wasn't cute enough.

McCoy:	You *must* be kidding!

Troi:	Captain....

Picard:	Yes, counselor.

Troi:	I'm sensing great stupidity.

Picard:	Who from?

Troi:	Everyone.

McCoy:	That's unsurprising.  I ran an IQ test on all these guys, and it's
	barely measureable, even all the way down to the smallest
	intelligence unit available; they only measure about two to three
	Reagans apiece.

Troi:	No, sir.  It's more than just the people we picked up from the
	ship.  It's much greater than that....

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Ensign Tsu.  The helm has just gone down.  I can't
	navigate the ship.

Picard:	Go to manual control.

Ceiling:  Sir, that trick never works.

Picard:	Try it, anyway.

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Chief Engineer Roland W. Whatshisname.  The fire
	sprinklers just went off down here, but we don't know why.
	Everything's getting wet.  Funny, though; I thought it was a Halon
	setup down here...

Picard:	Turn them *off*, engineer.

Ceiling:  We can't, sir.  The faucet handle broke off in my hand.

Picard:	[Rhetorically]  What is going on????

Ceiling:  Sir, this is Wesley Crusher.

Picard:	\
Data:	 \
Riker:	  \
McCoy:	   >	Shut up, Wesley!
Geordi:	  /
Worf:	 /
Troi:	/

Ceiling:  But sir!  Holodeck two just turned itself inside out.  And it's
	not a pretty sight, I can tell you.

	[ Picard dons a look of amazement and panic. ]

Ceiling:  ...Though it is kinda neat.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  A female starts lecturing you on athlete's foot,
followed by an obnoxious brat eating a chocolate bar.  Dick Cavett tries to
sell you on a TV dinner, and a bunch of dips drive around in a Japanese
excuse for a Jeep. ]
--------

Captain's Log, Supplemental:
	I've given up on stardates.  It's probably meaningless, anyway.  My
ship is in total chaos.  Utterly impossible things are happening all over
the ship, seemingly defying all the known laws of physics, or even common
sense, the holodeck notwithstanding.  It's like a nightmare.

Picard:	Riker, you're smirking again.

Riker:	Sorry, sir, but this is all so amusing.

Picard:	I find nothing amusing about it.  You can't run a starship with
	chaos running rampant.  I didn't get where I am today by letting
	chaos run rampant.

Leonard Rossiter:  Of course not, C.J.

Riker:	Where did he come from?

Data:	I believe it is a reference to a old British entertainment series.

Picard:	Good God!  Everyone's being infected.  Even me!

Ceiling:  Sir, this is Chief Engineer Smedley X. Dinklephwat.  The toilets
	have just backed up into the warp drive.  It'll take time to clear.

Picard:	WHAT!!?????

Ceiling:  In the meantime, we have...... *No Power!*

Picard:	[Rhetorically]  This is unbelievable.

Ceiling:  And the fire sprinklers are still running.  We're working on it.

	[ Pshhhhhh.  The turbolift doors open to reveal a rotund penguin
and a rather delapidated tabby cat. ]

Penguin:  [Approaching Picard]  How do you do.  I'm Mr. P. Opus.  George
	Bush is a wimp.  I'd like you to meet my running mate, Bill the Cat.

Bill:	Ack!  Phft!!

	[ Pshhhhhh.  Wesley enters from the other turbolift. ]

Wesley:	Sorry, sir.  They got loose from the holodeck.  It's going
	absolutely berserk.  Tasha even walked out and handed me an old
	pulp-paper publication entitled 'Playboy'.

Data:	Is she still there?

Wesley:	Dunno.  Why don't you go look?

	[ Data gets up to leave. ]

Picard:	AS YOU WERE, MR. DATA!

Data:	But sir....

	[ Pshhhhhhh.  The Robot enters. ]

Robot:	[Flailing arms]  DANGER!  DANGER!  WARNING!  DANGER!  WARNING
	WILL ROBINSON!	DANGER!

Picard:	Why are you yelling that?

Robot:	I don't know.  It seems appropriate somehow.

	[ PFFT!  The main viewer changes to reveal a remotely human and
quite boorish man. ]

Viewer:	TV...  or MTV?  [PFFT!  Same thing, only female this time.]
	TV...  or MTV?

Picard:	[In a perfect Graham Chapman twang]  WHAT IS GOING ON!!?????

Data:	We appear to be intercepting some old Earth transmissions, sir.

	[ Pshhhhh.  Will Robinson enters. ]

Robot:	DANGER WILL ROBINSON.

Will:	What is it, Robot?

Robot:	Unknown intelligence nearby.  Danger!

	[ Pshhhhhh.  Dr. Smith enters.  Picard is fuming. ]

Smith:	There you are, you bubble-headed booby!  I have chores for you.

Robot:	DANGER!  DANGER!

	[ Dr. Smith unplugs the Robot's power pack. ]

Smith:	That'll teach you to talk back, you tin-plated bathtub!

Picard: [Smoke pouring out of his ears]  EVERYONE GET OFF MY BRIDGE!!!!

Riker:	Aye, sir.

Picard:	NOT **YOU!!**

Ceiling:  Captain, this is Chief Engineer Ernie R. Ferretface.  We're up to
	our waists here with water from the fire sprinklers.  Some of the
	waterproof components are starting to rust.

Smith:	[At ceiling]  You incompetent ninny!  Where did you study
	engineering?

Ceiling:  I sent in a bunch of Cheerios boxtops and......

Picard:	OUT!!!  OUT!!!  OUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Riker:	Yes sir.

Picard:	NOT ****YOU!!!!****

	[ The bridge is cleared of all non-starfleet personnel.  Picard
sits down, ready to spit venom. ]

Troi:	I sense great frustration, sir.

Picard:	No shit, Sherlock.

Troi:	You mustn't blame yourself, sir.  You are not at fault.  Some
	greater force is at work.

Picard:	Shut up, Wesley.

Troi:	Huh?

Picard:	[At ceiling]  Bridge to Medical Bay.  Doctor.....

Ceiling:  This is the Medical Bay.  All our lines are busy.  Please hold;
	your call will be answered in the order it was received.  [Muzak]

	[ Riker smirks. ]

Picard:	Computer!!!

Computer:  Hi there!  Whatever your problem, I'm here to help you solve it.
	All I want to do is to make your day more and more bearable.

	[ Picard is stunned rigid.  He ambles in a daze over to his ready
room. ]

Door:	[Pshhhhhh]  Thank you for making a simple door very happy.

CUT TO PICARD'S READY ROOM/OFFICE (you know, the room with the tropical
fish in it).  PICARD IS SEATED AT HIS DESK, UTTERLY DUMBFOUNDED.  RIKER
ENTERS.

Door:	[Pshhhhh]  Glad to be of service.

Riker:	Shut up.  [To Picard]  Sir, are you all right?

Picard:	I've lost control.

Riker:	Sir, I don't know what's going on.

Picard:	So what else is new?

Riker:	There's no need to be abusive, sir.

Picard:	It makes me feel better, Number One.

Riker:	Sir, there has to be some external force at work.  All this chaos
	couldn't happen naturally.  I mean, everyone's acting so stupid...

	[ You can almost see the light go on above Picard's head. ]

Picard:	STUPID!  That's IT!!  Counselor Troi mentioned something about
	stupidity just before all hell broke loose.  Where is she?

Riker:	Last I saw, sir, she left for Yar's quarters to pick out a new
	costume for herself.

Picard:	Let's go.  [They get up.]

Door:	[Pshhhhh]  Thank you so very much.

Picard:	Stick it up your nose.  [To Data]  Data, come with me.  Tsu, you
	have the con.

Tsu:	Oh, thank you thank you thank you!

	[ They enter the turbolift. ]

Picard:	Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift:  I'm fine; how are you?

Picard:	I said, Lieutenant Yar's quarters.

Turbolift:  I'm fine; how are you?

Picard:	Now what!?

Data:	Sir, I believe I can resolve the situation.

Riker:	Go for it.

Data:	Elevator, this is Lieutenant Commander Data.  If you don't take us
	to Yar's quarters pretty damn pronto, I shall go straight to your
	major databank with a very large axe and give you a reprogramming
	you will never forget.  Understand?

	[ Silence. ]

Data:	Okay.  Get the axe.

	[ The elevator starts on its journey to Yar's quarters.  Picard and
Riker eye Data quizzically. ]

Data:	A literary reference, sir.  Given the current situation, it seemed
	appropriate.

	[ The door opens, and they exit. ]

CUT TO YAR'S STATEROOM.  PICARD, RIKER, AND DATA ENTER.

Picard:	Counselor Troi!  Where are you?

	[ Troi emerges from the bedroom wearing the same getup that Yar
wore for Data. ]

Troi:	Hello, Umzadi.

Riker:	Troi!  Uh....

Troi:	I sense great desire...

Picard:	Good God!  Troi's been affected, too.

Data:	Rather well, it would seem.

Riker:	Sir, if you don't mind.....

Picard:	Oh, go ahead.  You're no use to me, anyway.  Go do something
	productive for a change.

Riker:	Aye, sir.  [ Riker smirks, and then retires to the bedroom with
	Troi.  Picard and Data enter the hallway. ]

Picard:	Now what do we do?

Data:	If I may recommend, sir.  Since all the trouble began with the
	arrival of the Robinson family, it would seem prudent to question
	them.

Picard:	Excellent suggestion, Mr. Data.  Let's get some answers.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  Large boxes of anti-acne medicine fall on people,
followed by a surrealistic Pepsi commercial.  K-Tel offers you every Top 10
hit ever made.  Trained professionals demonstrate a Popiell Pocket
Fisherman, since no normal human could use them; and a banana slug tries to
sell you a used car. ]
--------

PICARD AND DATA ENTER THE LOUNGE WHERE THE ROBINSON FAMILY WAS INSTRUCTED
TO REMAIN.  EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE ROBOT, IS THERE.

Picard:	Right.  I want some answers, and I want them now.

Will:	Two plus two is four.

Mother:	Be quiet, dear.

Will:	Where's Lassie, mom?

Mother:	I left that series, dear.

Picard:	Shut up, all of you, and answer my questions.

Mr. Robinson:  [To Data]  Are you an android?

Data:	[Getting upset]  No!  I'm an eggplant!!  WHY DOES EVERYBODY ASK ME
	THAT???  [Starts jumping up and down]

Picard:	Data!  Why are you getting upset?

Data:	[Reverting instantly to his normal self]  Getting upset is a human
	trait, and I do try to be more human....

Picard:	Well, stop it.  [To family]  Now, I want some answers.  Things on
	my ship are going bonkers, and I want to know why.

Mr. Robinson:  No idea.

Mother:	Got me.

Penny:	Duh....

Co-Pilot:  Let me get back to you on that.

Robot:	Danger!  Unknown intelligence nearby!

Smith:	Oh, shut up, you bubble-headed booby!

Will:	Captain?  I'd like to help if I can.

Picard:	Oh, great.  Another boy genius.  I should have signed onto a
	trawler or something.

Data:	I would not discount the boy's offer so quickly, Captain.

Picard:	[Sighs]  Oh, all right.  Tell me how you got all the way out here.

Will:	Well, a long time ago, we left Earth for Alpha Centauri.  But our
	robot malfunctioned, and we were thrown off course.  Since then,
	we've been Lost In Space....

	[ Stupid music starts up. ]

Picard:	Stop that!  Stop that!  Stop it!

	[ Music runs down. ]

Picard:	Please go on.

Will:	Anyway, everywhere we went, we'd encounter strange aliens in bad
	makeup who were always bent on destroying us.  The robot always
	tried to help, but Dr. Smith usually got us into trouble.

Smith:	[Indignant]  Such gratitude!  And after all the help I've
	rendered...

Picard:	Shut up!!  [To Will]  So how long have you been out here?

Will:	I don't really know.

Picard:	Couldn't you ever find your way back to Earth?

Will:	Oh, we almost did a few times, but something would always happen,
	and we'd get lost again.

Picard:	What would happen?

Will:	Oh....  It was usually something stupid, like Dr. Smith taking a
	space walk for no reason, or....

Picard:	STUPID!  Are you sure?

Will:	Oh, yeah.  It was always something really dumb.

Picard:	Thank you.  You *have* been helpful.  [To Data]  Let's go.

	[ Picard and Data leave the lounge and enter the hall. ]

Picard:	What do you think, Data?

Data:	Penny is cute....

Picard:	No no no no!!  What do you think of their story?

Data:	I do not believe they are directly responsible for the situation
	that is upon us now.  However, I believe that whatever has affected
	them adversely was brought aboard when they were beamed over, and
	is now affecting us.

Picard:	Speculation?

Data:	I would surmise that a creature similar to the hate creature from
	The Old Series is at work here, except that it generates and feeds
	on stupidity.

Picard:	What?  You mean we're reusing a plot device?

Data:	It has been done before, sir.  If you'll recall in The Naked Now...

Picard:	Yes, yes, I know...

Data:	This situation seems far more amusing, however...

Picard:	Never mind your editorial remarks, Data.  How do you propose to
	eliminate this creature?

Data:	To eliminate it, we must first locate it.

Picard:	And how do we do that?

Data:	Are you completely helpless or something?

Picard:	*Humor* me!

Data:	It would be logical to assume that the creature is at the epicenter
	of the stupid activity.

Picard:	The holodeck?

Data:	A good place to start, sir.

Comm button:  Captain Picard?  This is Chief Engineer Snidely P. Whiplash.
	We're up to our chests in it now...

Picard:	Why don't you just beam the water out?

Comm:	Oh, no, sir.  That's far too obvious.

Picard:	What are you doing about it?

Comm:	I've got my best men working on it....

	[ In the background: ]

Man 1:	You numbskull!!  [SLAP!]

Man 2:	Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!

Man 1:	And you!  [BONK!]

Man 2:	Ow!

Man 3:	Hey, leave him alone!

Man 1:	Oh, a wise guy...  [TOINK!]

Picard:	Dear God.  Should we set self-destruct?

Data:	Unadviseable, sir.  It would probably malfunction.  I suggest we
	move to the holodeck as quickly as possible.  Delay could be fatal.

Picard:	Agreed.  [Taps comm.]  Computer....

Computer:  Hi there!

Picard:	[Winces]  Hi.  Sound Red Alert.

Computer:  Sure thing!

	[Klaxons and lights start going off.]

Computer:  How's that?

Picard:	Wonderful.  Thank you.  [Glances heavenward.  Taps comm. again]
	Worf!

Worf:	Sir!

Picard:	Meet us at holodeck two.  And don't take the turbolifts.  Bring
	Geordi with you.

Worf:	At once, sir.

Picard:	Why do you seem unaffected, Worf?

Worf:	Stupidity is too much like..... *bathing!*

Picard:	[Shakes head]  Picard out.  Let's go, Data.

--------
	[ Fade to black.  John McEnroe gets livid about Bic razors, a bunch
of diseased obnoxious people swill beer, and more banana slugs try to sell
you Dodge Trucks, Toyota Trucks, and Pontiac Gran Prix's.  Highlights of
this week's National Enquirer flash before you, "For prying idle minds." ]
--------

PICARD AND DATA WALK THE HALLS OF THE ENTERPRISE.  THEY AVOID THE
TURBOLIFTS LIKE THE PLAGUE, TAKING THE GANGWAYS INSTEAD.

Data:	Caution is recommended, sir.  Anything could happen.

	[ A giant 16-ton weight falls from nowhere and crashes to the
deck. ]

Picard:	Understood, Data.

	[ Pshhhhh.  A nearby set of doors opens to reveal a moose standing
erect on its hind legs, and a squirrel wearing a leather flight helmet. ]

Moose:	Rocky, I don't think we're in Frostbite Falls anymore.

Squirrel:  Don't be silly, Bullwinkle.  This is the Starship Enterprise.

Moose:	Are you sure?  I used to watch that show all the time, and this
	doesn't look anything like it.

Squirrel:  Silly, this is the new Enterprise.

Moose:	[Pointing to Picard]  Who's that guy?

Picard:	I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise.

Moose:	You've *got* to be kidding.

Squirrel:  He's the new Captain, Bullwinkle....

Moose:	You'd think they would have found a cure for baldness after 300
	years.

Picard:	Phasers on kill, Mr. Data.

Moose:	Oooo!  I always wanted to see what those looked like from this
	angle...

Squirrel:  Oh, Bullwinkle...

Picard:	Fire!

	[ PHWATT!!  The moose and squirrel disintegrate. ]

Picard:	I wish I'd thought of that before.  Let's hurry before something
	else stupid happens.

	[ Before they can get twenty feet, another door opens to reveal a
well-dressed man holding a briefcase. ]

Man:	Excuse me, Captain, but I'm afraid you'll have to cease and desist
	this story immediately.

Picard:	Ignore him, Data.  [They try and move on, but the man obstructs
	their path]

Man:	I'm sorry, sir, but I have an injunction.  [Produces thick legal
	document]  I'm afraid this show infringes on the look-and-feel of
	my client's copyrighted works.  You'll have to cease immediately,
	pending a lengthy and obscenely expensive civil suit.

Picard:	Infringement?!  What are you talking about?

Man:	Your companion, Mr. Data.  He clearly infringes on my client's
	copyrighted character, C3PO.

Data:	[Aside to Picard]  It's a lawyer, sir.  Very dangerous.

Picard:	Understood.  [To lawyer]  Ahem.  Writ e