Brown Christmas: Memories of the Kalahari

     Christmas was something special for Sheila Mackenzie when
     she lived in the Kalahari desert of southern Africa. Now on
     the staff in UW's school of accounting, Mackenzie sends this
     reminiscence -- disguised as a recipe for "a Kalahari
     Christmas dinner (serves 150-plus)".
 
     Invite everyone in your village (150). Three weeks before
     the event, ask two trusted San (Bushmen) women to make the
     beer. Give them some yeast and sugar and provide a large
     metal drum. Keep the drum in your camp and have them make
     the beer there. This ensures that there will still be beer
     on the big day. You will need a number of huge drums;
     acquire four if possible.
 
          Begin negotiations for one complete, living cow. This
     will cost about $100. Get the man in your camp to go with a
     couple of San men (this is men's work) to start haggling
     with any Herero who might be willing to sell a cow, even at
     $100.
 
          Over the next couple of weeks, try to avoid starting a
     relationship with your cow as she trudges by your camp with
     her friends every morning on her way to the waterhole. Stop
     looking every time your husband points and says, "There's
     our cow!"
 
          Two days before your dinner, get some of the men to try
     to catch the cow, who seems to be fully aware that its days
     are swiftly ending. As the cow runs extremely quickly over
     the soft sand, be prepared to fall down laughing as your man
     and his San and Herero friends try to look macho while
     attempting to catch it. A couple of hours later they will
     all reappear, sweating profusely, proudly leading the
     finally tethered thing.  Keep busy as your cow is dragged
     unwillingly on its final death walk into the bush. There is
     an alarmingly large amount of blood in a cow but there is no
     need to go to the killing place.  Simply send along your
     biggest pot for the San men to use for cooking the blood
     (their treat, as the butchers).
 
          At dawn on the big day, having had your camp helpers
     gather extra firewood, let the men half-fill two drums with
     water and put in all the cut up chunks of beef from the
     whole cow. There will be a large amount of meat. Add salt.
 
          It takes a great deal of salt for one cow and unless
     you purchased wisely the last time you were able to shop
     (some months back) the end result will taste "fresh". As the
     smell of the cooking beef wafts over the Kalahari, try to
     keep the San from getting too wired and do keep an eagle eye
     on the beer drum.
 
          Some hours before the meal is to be eaten, boil another
     drum of (we hope) salted water for the mealie meal. (This is
     white corn meal and the finished product is the consistency
     of porridge.)
 
          While everything is nicely simmering, you will have
     time to slip into your tent, change into your only decent
     cotton skirt, comb your hair and hunt fruitlessly for your
     lipstick. Check the seasonings. Everyone will bring his/her
     own plate and cup. Let everyone help themselves. Your San
     helpers will keep a watch over the drums and pots to see
     that no one takes too much.  Everyone (you too) gets boiled
     beef, mealie meal and Kalahari beer. Everyone gets full and
     drunk.
 
          When it gets dark, ask your helpers to make a huge
     fire. The dancing will begin. There will no longer be any
     need to guard the beer drum. Everyone will dance and sing
     into the night, some older folk will go home, the kids will
     fall asleep on their mom's backs or on the sand, and you can
     crawl into your tent and dream of roast turkey, cranberry
     sauce and white snow.