All this talk of dry fruitcake made me pine for the days of yore when I
would help grandma make Christmas cake. Here's the recipe (as best as I
can remember it, it's a little fuzzy):

You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large
eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of
salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
NOTE: Whiskey may be replaced with your favorite swill^H^H^H^Hbeverage.
Being of Scottish ancestry, me and grandma naturally used Scotch.

Directions:

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric
mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon
of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried
fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the
beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of
salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon
juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat
off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey
again and go to bed.