After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack

After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack
After 5 Years In U.S., Terrorist Cell Too Complacent To Carry Out Attack 

The Onion
June 18, 2007 
Issue 43-25

SAN CLEMENTE, CA - Five years after settling in southern California and 
trying to blend into American society, a six-man terrorist cell 
connected to the militant Islamist organization Army of Martyrs has 
reportedly grown too complacent to conduct its suicide mission, an 
attack on the San Onofre Nuclear Generating Station.

According to cell leader and boat owner Jameel al-Sharif, the 
potentially devastating operation, which involves breaching the 
station's reactor core and triggering a meltdown that could rival the 
Chernobyl disaster, "can wait."

"We remain wholly committed to the destruction of America, the Great 
Satan," al-Sharif said. "But now is not a good time for us. The season 
finale of Lost was such a cliff- hanger that we have to at least catch 
the first episode of the new season. After that, though, death to the 

"Probably," added al-Sharif, who noted that his nearly $6,000 in 
credit-card debt from recent purchases of a 52-inch HDTV and a backyard 
gas grill prevents him from buying needed materials for the attack.

Though the members of the cell said that they "live only to spill the 
blood of crusaders who oppress Muslims," they cited additional reasons 
for the delay, including an unexpired free Netflix trial and nagging 
lower-back pain.

"I think I'm entitled to a little time to fully enjoy the in-dash MP3 
adapter and heads-up display that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, has 
seen fit to provide me with," munitions expert Mohammed Akram said of 
the 2006 Mercury Mariner that is intended to be used as a car bomb 
during the attack. "Also, I have nine months left on the lease. But 
after that, I am more than willing to load it with explosives and go to 
my glory in its all-leather interior and heated seats."

Cell member Sayyid al-Tantawi, a Cairo-born former physics professor who 
was able to obtain employment at San Onofre as a reactor technician, 
once routinely worked 18-hour days so he could secretly obtain security 
codes and detailed schematics of the facility. But since his promotion 
to senior project manager last November, al-Tantawi has grown accustomed 
to perks such as higher pay, mandatory vacation time, delegation of 
responsibilities, and long lunches with other managers.

"Don't get me wrong, I totally wish swift and painful death to all 
American pigs, especially that jerk [general manager] Dave [Landis]," 
al-Tantawi said. "But I'm no longer the new guywhy bust my ass all day 
long anymore? When I get home after a day at work, I don't savor staying 
up all night designing dirty-bomb triggering mechanisms like I did when 
I first got here. Sometimes I just want to pop in a CD by that soulful 
infidel Chris Daughtry and relax."

Al-Tantawi added that due to the sedentary nature of his job, he would 
have to "lose a few pounds, Allah willing" before being able to fulfill 
his most challenging task: infiltrating the reactor's spent fuel storage 
area and draining its coolant, thereby triggering a fire and releasing 
radioactive material.

Indeed, general preparedness appears to be the cell's greatest stumbling 

"Five a.m. is when the facility is most vulnerable to attack, when the 
morning shift security personnel replace the overnight crew," said Adib 
Dhakwan, the cell's second-in-command. "Unfortunately, Starbucks doesn't 
open until six, and I don't know about you, but if I don't have that 
first cup of coffee, forget it."

Despite the terrorists' successful assimilation into American society, 
the FBI has been monitoring the activities of the "San Clemente Six" 
since late 2005. According to declassified intelligence documents, the 
cell's status was recently downgraded to "low risk," due in part to a 
near absence of cell phone chatter to parties other than Moviefone, and 
last month's online purchase of a hammock.

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