AOH :: P13-08.TXT

Computerists Underground News Tabloid - CUNT


                               ==Phrack Inc.==

                     Volume Two, Issue 13, Phile #8 of 10

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*   Computerists Underground News-Tabloid   *
%             By  Crimson Death             %
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     Welcome to the first issue of Computerist's Underground News-Tabloid. Now,
I am sure you are thinking, "aren't 'news' and tabloid basically synonymous?
Isn't that a bit redundant?". Hell, YES! It is! But "we" don't care. Names
don't mean a DAMNED thing to us! Hell, NO! What we care about it NEEEEWS! Hard-
core, FACTUAL news. That's why we tell it like it is. All Bullsh-t aside. You
don't like what you're seeing? Don't read it! These are the "Bob"-damned facts,
buddy. This is a tough world we live in. Things aren't always as pretty as we'd
like them to be. It's a Dog-Eat-Dog world. If you can't take it, you won't make
it, and it's as simple as that. So read and learn! It's OUR world, and only WE
can change it, so keep informed!

                                                Editor-in-Chief
                                                Crimson Death
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DREADFUL DIGITAL DILEMA

     "IT'S TRUE!", say top scientists at South Hampton Institute of Technology,
"Within three years, the world will face its worst dilema in ages." A new
strain of virus called C-AIDS (Computer/Artifical Intelligence Deficiency
System) will begin attacking micro-chips around the globe.
      Where is it coming from? Scientists aren't quite sure, but believe it to
be a combination of many industrial waste products that float around in the
air, and human virus! How can this be? Well, that is uncertain right now.
      Dr. Harry Koch claims, "We just don't know, but it's comming!" Religious
groups claim it's a sign from God to "slow down". Our resident psychic believes
it's a plague sent down by aliens to hinder us in catching up to their
technology.
      Just what will this mean? The downfall of many businesses, government
problems, stock market crash, media troubles! You name it! Almost everything is
run by computers these days. The world will be in shambles. Barbarian times
will set in! People will start using their minds! Something needs to be
done, and QUICK!
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QUICK QUOTES

      "IT'S TRUE," says:

Line Breaker, "I ran a Commodore 64 BBS with 100 megabytes of storage!"
American Telephone and Telegraph, "Our rates really ARE the cheapest!"
The Traveller, "My Jackin Box plans work! You just play with the little lever
                until it pops up!"
Cheshire Catalyst, "I did play Shaggy on Scooby Doo...but, hey, that's all in
                   the past now!"
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ROBOT CLONE SEEKS PHREAKS AND TRACKS HACKS

      "IT'S TRUE!", say our inside sources, "Bell Telephone Labs is currently
working on a high tech robot to seek out Phone Phreaks and Hackers. I have seen
one...they're almost life like, and it's scary!"
      Right now, there are only a few, but BTL plans to soon put them into mass
production. This means Bulletin Board Systems throughout the U.S. will be
teeming with these undercover agents. Two known NERD's (Neurologically
Enhanced Robotic Detectives) are John Maxfield, a Detroit based android running
a business called Board Scan; and Daniel Pasquale, a former officer of the law,
located in California.
      How can we protect ourselves? Well, we're not quite sure, but our
resident scientists are working on it now!
      More on this topic as it unfolds.
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      Latest news on Robot Clones: Rumor has it that N.E.R.D., John Maxfield
has contracted a premature case of C-AIDS. If asked, he only denies, but an
inside agent of ours at BTL said that he has been coming there for treatments.
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FAMED PHREAK FATHERED BY FUZZIES

      "IT'S TRUE!", says a close friend of Scott Ellentuch (better known as
Tuc) the sysop of RACS-III BBS, and former co-editor of Tap Magazine. "He
doesn't like to talk about it, but he was infact raised by a pack of male
Guinea Pigs!"
      At the tender age of three months old, the sibling Tuc was abandoned on
a doorstep in Manhattan. Unfortunately for the tot, the owner of the house was
an old druken man, who threw the poor baby into the trash before his wife got
home and found it. Luckily, a pack of wandering Guinea Pigs were on the hunt
for food, an happened upon the child. They then took him to their nesting in
Central Park, and raised him like one of their own.
      One day, at the age of 10, Tuc was apprehended by the police after being
caught shopplifting a bag of cedar chips at a local pet shop. It was decided
in court that he was a not a criminal, but just misguided because of his fate.
He was then put in an adoption home until taken in by the Ellentuch's.
      A crack reporter of ours decided to seek out these kindly rodents, and
ask about any grievances they may have about little "Zippy" (the name given
to him by his furry brothers). When questioned, they only replied with a
squeek, and left a few dung pellets. I suppose that's their way of saying,
"Come on back, Zip, we miss ya..."
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NEW PHREAK KLASS CO-SYSOPED BY DEMON FROM HELL

      "IT'S TRUE!", says respected Demonologist, Dr. Jack Goff, from Hawaii
State University, founder of the Academy of Supernatural Studies. "A modem
user, who dons the handle 'The Executioner' has been possessed by an evil
demon from the netherworld!"
      The Executioner, of New Jersey State, co-sysop of the revived Phreak
Klass 2600 (ran by The Egyptian Lover), and the 'Leader' of the also-revived
PhoneLine Phantoms, was "once a nice person", according to many of his old
friends. What caused his plunge into the sadistic-egotistical world he now
lives in? Black magick!
      His mother spoke with us. "Ever since he ate that bad can of Spaghettios,
you know...the ones with the sliced franks, he hasn't been the same.
Day-by-day, he gets worse-and-worse. It's like living with...a...a...monster!"
At that point, the poor woman broke into tears. But, she couldn't have been
more on the money if she were sitting on it! The truth is, while eating a plate
of those Spaghettios (you know, the one's with the sliced franks in them),
he was reading out of a book he bought the week before called "101 Ways to
Summon a Demon". Thinking it was all a bunch of nonsense, he read one of the
'prayers' aloud. From then on, the poor boy has been inhabited by the demon,
Isuzu.
      Sorry to say, Dr. Goff claims this demon is a "one of a kind". So far,
there are no known ways to Ex-orcise (pun intended) the dreaded Isuzu. "It's
a shame for the lad...I guess we will have to put up with his sadistic, ego-
tistical, obnoxious, rude, loud, ragging posts and attitudes for awhile."
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SCIENTIFIC STUDIES SHOW...

      If you put an infinate number of Taran King's in a room for an infinate
number of years, you probably still couldn't get Metal Shop Private to stay up
for over 30 days.
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LOD/H MEMBER DISMEMBERS MEMBERS

      "IT'S TRUE!" says an anonymous member of the 'Modem World', "Until now,
it has been all hush-hush, but in reality, there are only a couple LOD/H
members alive today...it's frightening, and it's hard to believe, yet it
happened."
      Just what did happen you ask? What is the truth behind the drop-out of
many LODers? How come the group has dwindled to a petty few? Murder! Yes, cold-
blooded throat-slashing MURDER! "Who? How? Why? ", you say? Well, that's what I
am here for, and that's what you're going to find out.
      In December of '86, an LOD/H meeting was held at The Mariott, in
Philadelphia, in which all of the members had attended. During a discussion on
the current MCI cracked-down, someone said, "Hey, let's pause this conver-
sation for 30 minutes, 'Punky Brewster' is coming on." It was at this point
that everyone in the room quieted, and The Videosmith stood up and threw a
glass of Pink Lemonade at the TV. He then ran out of the room yelling "Fuck
this shit! It all makes my balls itch!" Moments later he returned with a 17
inch machete, and a can of Raid. He had shaved his head, and was wearing a
shirt that said, "Buckwheat say 'Drugs NOT O-Tay!'" He was obviously deranged.
      He proceded to spray everyone's hair with raid, until the can finally
ran out. As the group stood in awe, he slashed all of them into tiny bite-
size pieces...one by one. He then sat down, and watched the rest of Punky
Brewster, and to this day, has no recollection of what had happened. Only
those few, who had been at Denny's at the time, remained.
      Following this massacre, he was treated at the Jason Voorhees Institute
for the Criminaly Insane, and is no longer a member of LOD/H.
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      Well, that about raps it up for the first issue of the Tabloid. There may
be a few more in the future, I am not sure at this point right now. I hope you
all enjoyed it, and that only AT&T, The Traveller, and Line Breaker were of-
fended.
      I'd like to have some comments on how you felt about it, so let me know.
Also, let me know if you figured out all of the puns and acronyms.
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