========
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: Major Annoyance
From: goshry@netvision.net.il (George Oshry)
Date: Tue, 28 Jan 97 18:11:34 GMT

This list was compiled especially for the denizens of alt.tasteless.jokes

Stand at the pizza bar eating the pepperonis off each slice.

Articulate your belches.

When the gang is getting videos, insist on The Three Amigos.

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strands, winding it around
your finger.

Redefine a new user's computer prompt to say: SPANK ME.

Remove every line of someone's .newsrc file except the entry
for alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.

Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

Fax a paper loop.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Bring a jar of lightning bugs into the movie theater.

In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage".

Never flush, that others may admire your accomplishments.

Ask 800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

Insist on keeping all your stationary in the fridge.

Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Permanently install as wallpaper for someone's computer desktop a scan
of the cover of Prince's Lovesexy album.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Test the echo properties of your shower with Axl Rose impressions.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

The Beavis laugh.

The Butthead laugh.

Bring your taxidermy hobby along to the office.

Honk and wave to strangers.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of
rental movies.

Wear your pants backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

Discuss your various piercings in intimate detail.

Construct small animal figures at dinner with toothpicks and tater tots.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Keep National Geographic map supplements such as Trade Routes of the
Inuit in your car's glove compartment.

Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal
Machine Music".

Leave someone printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Paint the side of your house with a giant eyeball.

Leave little puddles on the toilet seat.

Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

Use perfume inserts from magazines as bookmarks.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Hold long-winded debates about:
  whether January 1st, 2000, is really in the 21st century.
  whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Brutus" or "Bluto".
  whether water drains backwards in Australia.
  whether vinyl records sound better than CD's.
  what would happen if the Coyote dropped his Acme Instant Hole on
   top of himself.
  which axis is the "abscissa" and which is the "ordinate".
  details of the floor plan of the Brady Bunch's house.
  what would happen if gravity reversed.
  whether some infinite numbers are bigger than others.
  whether tomatos are vegetables.
  whether 2 plus 2 is actually 5 in distant galaxies.
  the International Date Line

Pronounce potato poe-TAH-toe, and tomato toe-MAH-toe.

Teach your parakeet to poop on command.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's 
roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Wear hot-pink eye shadow.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Bring a bushel bag of coupons to the grocery store and demand their
total cash value.

Play records with a paper cone.

Order a hamburger without the meat.

Order a taco without the shell.

Order a pizza without the crust.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your
tv and then pointing it at the screen.

Repeat all of Bob Saget's jokes to your co-workers.

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Sit at the front of the lecture hall and clip your toenails.

Install only 20-watt light bulbs.

Write long, ominous letters to the editor demanding that NASA bomb Mars.

Make a heraldic coat-of-arms for each of your pets, including fish.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce
that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

Keep hissing cockroaches as pets.

Wear your beeper to a wedding.

Purchase a 50,000 candle-power flashlight, and while away many an
evening from a high-story window by spotlighting the butts of passers-by.

Cruise around the neighborhood listening to the Carpenters at top volume.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

Cross-post all news messages to rec.pets.cats.

Write Bible verses on your face.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Before swallowing Jello, squish and slosh it around in your mouth
until it's thoroughly liquified.

Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
99 copies.

Leave random, clipped Ann Lander's columns on co-workers' desks, as if
suggesting they could benefit from the advice.

Insist on brushing your teeth every five minutes.

Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

Sniffle incessantly.

Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Hold a life-size magazine photo of a face over your own, and waggle
your tongue through a hole where the mouth is.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin.  When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Make your wine glass "scream" by rubbing a moistened finger over its rim.

Freeze bugs in ice cubes.

Vaguely insinuate that someone's toothbrush or comb was dropped in
the toilet.

Drive half a block.

Sprinkle grass clippings on your head and inform the neighbors you
are a "Lawn Goddess".

Push the end of the scotch tape flush against the roll.

Glue change to the floor.

Install twenty mysterious-looking antennas on your car.

Inform your friends, frequently and at length, how good it feels
to be done with *your* final exams.

Name your dog "Dog".

Hand out business cards identifying you as the "Maestro of Mirth".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Wander through the shoe department sniffing the merchandise.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.

Claim that you must always wear a football helmet as part of
your "astronaut training".

Turn your eyelids inside-out.

Stare intently at someone while scribbling in a small notebook.  Conceal
it quickly and whistle absently if approached.

Wear an overcoat and dark sunglasses to church.

Pick the lima beans out of your dinner and play "flick football"
with them.

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Cultivate a Norwegian accent.  If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it
was a "real hoot".

Occasionally whisper to others that you are entrusted with "nuclear
secrets".

Practice hog calling in a tile bathroom.

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that
you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Insist on being the first to sniff fresh mimeograph sheets.

When visiting someone's home, fish for change under their sofa
cushions.  Elaborately display any embarrassing items you uncover.

Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch
with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Insinuate that someone has something stuck to their back.

Ask for change for a dime.

Pop an entire sheet of plastic bubble wrap while sitting in the
library.

Lick all of someone's stamps.

Use' lot's of 'extra' apostrophe's in you're writ'ing.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers'
brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", or the Archies' "Sugar".

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Torment siblings with vivid recollections of all family get-togethers
where they threw up.

Spend an entire weekend test-driving riding mowers.

Growl like a pirate and address everyone as "matey".

Stand outside the window of a restaurant and stare at people eating.

Hang out every day at a waterbed store wearing an old Navy uniform.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Highlight irrelevant information in textbooks.

Assemble a collection of EXIT signs.

Frequently become mesmerized by shiny objects.

Serve only nachos for Thanksgiving.

Steer every conversation, no matter how irrelevant, toward a discussion
of the presidency of Millard Filmore.

When dining out, engage in graphics discussions of medieval prostate
surgery.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

When dining in polite society, scuplt yourself a Santa Claus beard
from mashed potatos.

Insist that your swordfish be netted, not hooked.

Construct an elaborate canal system in your front yard.

Run in circles around a streetlight like a human moth.

Grow out your nose hair and braid it.

Teach your parrot to answer the phone and put people on hold.

Turn street signs ninety degrees.

Mail a letter with 32 one-cent stamps.

Assure little kids that they can, in fact, be sucked down the bathtub drain.

Instead of a stapler or paper clips, use duct tape or chewing gum.

Push all the elevator buttons.

Build an anatomically-correct snowman.

Spell your name strangely, such as Jhonne Psmythe, and sue those who
misspell it.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book.  Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.

Interrupt people's sentences to inform them of non-existant food stuck in
their teeth.

Avoid normal text characters, and |_|s3 B1ff sp3/\k \/\/ |-| 3 |\|
P0sT1|\|g, |<00l |>00|>.

Practice the delicate art of picking up pieces of food from your plate by
slurping out and sucking in a particularly sticky "loogie".

Shave one eyebrow.

Cook pasta with cold water.

Ask people what year it is, and exclaim "Why I'm not even born yet!"

Giggle hysterically at the saddest part of a movie.

Smile constantly.

"Rap" everything someone says.

Cross out the names and reuse old Christmas cards.

Keep howler monkeys and screech owls as apartment pets.

Order printed transcripts of gameshows.

Do your calculus homework with a leaky fountain pen.

Switch the keycaps on someone's keyboard.  Better yet, switch the
key definitions in the computer.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

Excuse yourself from the dinner table to use the bathroom, flush four
times, and when returning, explain "man, that whopper just wouldn't go
down."

Practice making flatulence noises with your hands.

Hold a blade of grass between both thumbs and blow on it to produce
a piercing shriek.

Stare at the menu with a puzzled expression, and repeatedly ask the
waitress, "Zoo you haf zee eels en flambe?"

Take pictures of your feet, and give them as Christmas gifts.

Insist on squeezing the last 0.1% of the toothpaste out of the tube.

Grunt whenever someone sits down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Suck in spaghetti one strand at a time.

Pour your soup on your entree "as gravy".

Fill your front lawn with large home-made metal sculptures.

Chew your ice.

In a movie theater, turn around and instead watch the people sitting
behind you.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Tie your tie so that it appears only 5 inches long.

Root, vocally, for the other team.

Have a little contest to see whose tongue looks the grossest on the bottom.

Write messages in meadows with a bag of fertilizer.

Plant your ice cold fingers on someone's stomach.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Make sonar pinging noises when someone approaches you.

Write a check for 48 cents.

Hang out at Hickory Farms consuming all the sample trays.

Proclaim yourself the Czeckoslovenian ambassador, open a storefront
embassy, and see how many state dinners you can crash.

See how few legs you can balance your chair on, and act surprised when
you eventually fall over backwards.

Sing along at the opera.

See how many straws you can connect end-to-end in a chain and still
consume a beverage with the apparatus.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

Carry a pet chicken with you at all times and claim it is your "spiritual
advisor".

Fill the bathtub each evening and play with your radio-controlled "navy".

Wear a blank nametag.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Conduct pet weddings.

Wear green or black lipstick.

Frown, sniff the air, and ask someone, "Is that you?"

Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the
neighbors you are a "spider person".

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Attach diskettes to the fridge with magnets.

For a festive atmosphere, sprinkle glitter everywhere you go.

Marry yourself.

Vehemently insist that the cosine of any number is negative zero.

Whenever a co-worker sneezes or coughs, make elaborate waving motions
at them, and explain that you have a "gift of healing".

Plant dandelions.

Use inappropriate nouns as verbs.

Capitalize words Randomnly.

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Drop superballs down stairwells.

Tag pigeons with transmitters and track their movements in your local
park.

Sell potato chips in the desert.

Ask Santa for condoms.

When given change, bit it suspiciously to make sure it's not hollow.

Make new friends by leaving a trail of Reese's Pieces to your door.

As part of your Christmas display this year, include half a dozen
searchlights.

Eat peas one at a time.

Click your click eraser in and out...in and out...in and out until
you are assaulted.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers
in a notebook.  Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Ask a plastic surgeon for:
  a second nose.
  earlobe implants.
  butt implants.
  an extra thumb on your forehead to keep your glasses on.
  hair on your eyelids.
  a tracheal harmonica.
  an extra joint in your arm.
  vampire fangs.
  a second bellybutton on your big toe.
  a drink holder on your knee.
  antlers.
  glow-in-the-dark armpit hair.
  a nostril-implanted pencil sharpener.
  all of the above!

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't
cricket".

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Change your name to Robert Oot in hopes of getting the username "root".

Demand the right to perform animal sacrifices during exams.

Drop a test tube, and run from the room screaming "The killer flu is
loose! We're all doomed!"

Write an entire novel with 5,000 semi-colons and only one period.

Paw at someone's head while moaning "brains...brains..."

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Bet a drinking buddy a quarter you can down his entire drink without
touching it.  If he accepts, announce "I lose", slap a quarter down,
and consume his three dollar drink.

Fidget constantly.

Demand that all your diskettes be replaced by those who use them in the
little plastic baggies in which you bought them.

In the back of a crowded room, announce "I see London, I see France..."

For your party, rent free tapes from the public service section of
the video store.  Show "Hepatitus and You" and "Our Friend Tungsten".

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward
silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.


----
George Oshry
The next time you see someone really attractive
remember this: there's always someone else who's
sick to death of his or her shit.