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             **** Professional Bernsteining ****

April 19, 1989           by DISMA
Y                 12:00p.m.     
       
       Hello again!  Welcome to part 2 of the Freebage series.  I
hope you have read Freebage Part 1: A Beginner's Guide to
Bernsteining.  If you haven't, locate that file and read it
before you read this.  It describes some basic Bernsteining
techniques and gives some definitions to the terms used in this
series.  Part 1 dealt with hoarking in places such as bars, and
grocery stores.  In this issue I will talk about more challenging
targets, such as amusement parks,
oncert events.  Actually,
these places can be quite easy to get into, with some brains, and
a little luck.

******************************************************
Chilling toaster ovens and unidentified pizza rolls...
******************************************************

      Alrighty kiddies, let's begin.  Suppose you hit the weekend
without a cent in your pocket.  No worries.  You know that you
can do things that an ordinary person would not dare.  If you
have any kind of amusement park, or theme park
where you
live, it is very much possible to spend the day there without
spending money, and without having to climb over a fence.  All
you need to do it is some intelligence, and a good knack for
bullshitting.  Try not to look too much like a scum ball.  Look
like a tourist.  

 If you are going to do it at Disney World, wear a Mickey
Mouse shirt, etc. You have to realize that most all of the people
who work at these places are teenagers and young people in
general.  They aren't too concerned of being reall
y strict, just
to stand in place and grab tickets from people filing by.  Now,
you have arrived at the park, and are at the front gate.  What
you must do is wait for a large group of tourist looking people
to be going in.  The larger, the better.  

      The best groups are ones with a lot of handicapped or
mentally retarded people.  In groups such as these, the tickets
for the entire group are handled by one or two people.  If you
see something like this happening, go towards the entrance.  As
they start
le in, blend in with them.  If only one of this
group has the tickets, you are in luck.  Try to act either really
excited, or emotional about entering the park.  If you are with
retarded people, act a little slow, it isn't hard to do.  Make
sure you are in the middle of the group.  Even the group
shouldn't notice you until you are well inside, and by then you
should be separated from them.  If you want, put your arm around
someone in the group as you pass through the gate.  Say out loud
"Isn't it great to g
o see Mickey!!!"  Make sure that the person
you have your arm around gets excited, but doesn't freak out. 
They should thing that you are just someone having a really good
time.  Sometimes they really enjoy this.  

        Now, you've been sitting around the park entrance for an
hour, and no group has come.  Well, there is usually a large line
of people entering the park.  If you see that the line is moving
in a fairly fast stream, this is good.  Get in line.  When you
get up to the ticket person, act reta
 whatever you think
will work and mutter to the employee, "he's (or she's) got my
tickets," as you gesture behind you.  By the time you squeeze
through the gates and are inside far enough away, they will
realize that there is one ticket missing from the whole deal, but
most of the people who work at these places won't care. 
Sometimes when I have done this, the people in back of be have
been refused entrance.  I like when that happens.  If you were
lucky and got in this way, good.  There isn't too much to w
orry
about, as long as you weren't in sight when they discovered what
was going on.  If you put on a good mentally retarded act, you
shouldn't be questioned.  

       Alright, what if there are no lines at all, or next to no
lines.  This is when bullshitting is your only tool to get in. 
Check out the people taking tickets.  If it is slow they will be
talking amongst themselves.  Look for the person who is the
"outcast" or not talking to the others.  This may mean that they
are shy, or new.  Slowly walk to
their line.  If you have a
hat, mash it down onto your head.  When you get to them talk
slowly and softly.  Tell them that you were in the park with your
mother and got lost.  If you are older than a kid that would be
with his mother, act retarded.  Drool a bit.  Tell them that you
were with your mother and you got separated.  You got really
scared that she left, so you went out to the car, which was the
only place that you knew how to get to for sure.  When you got to
the car you remembered her telling you
 before you went in that
morning, "if we get separated meet me at the xxxxxx."  Fill in
with something that you know is in the park.  If they ask you for
a stub or something, act like you don't understand.  

       If they tell you that you can't go in without a ticket,
start to cry.  Stick to the story.  If they get someone like a
manager, stay with the story.  Get more and more flustered and
whiny the more they question you.  Get them tears flowing!!  It's
good theatrics, and really fun to see how these
 react to
you.  Tell them all you want to do is get to the place your
mother told you to meet her at and wait there for her.  You might
have an employee escort you to the spot.  This has happened to me
once, and that experience will be told about in Sportsage.  If
they find a person to escort you to the fictitious meeting place,
seem relieved that you are there.  Of course, your mother will be
no where around.  Tell them that you will have to wait there for
her.  After a few minutes of waiting they will eit
her leave you
alone there to wait, making you promise that you won't go
anywhere, or they will ask you to leave.  One thing, this method
only works when you are alone.  It would be hard to do this with
more than 1 person.  If they leave you alone, make sure they
aren't going to be back in a while, then take off.  You might
want to wait until they come back to check up on you, that way
they will really thing you are waiting for your mother.  This
method takes a long time to complete, but you feel really good

when you successfully pull it off.  

 There are other ways like these that I have described, it's
all up to your creative abilities.  If you come up with any that
work well, let me know, I will gladly put them in a future issue
of Freebage.  

  Other notes...  besides retarded people, you can grab onto
old people too.  They often come to theme parks in large groups,
so they are a good target too!  If you are stopped inside and
accused of sneaking in, tell them you had a ticket and tell them
to prove that
you didn't.  I don't think that there is a park
that requires you to always carry a stub around proving that you
paid to get in.  

    The only time I have been questioned at a park was when I
used to hop the fence at Busch Gardens.  If they see you enter
like this they will most definitely go after you. Going in the
front way is a lot better because the most they can make you do
is get out of the way.  

      If you are stuck at the gate, and they are asking for a
ticket, and you told them that the peopl
 you had it, and
it gets fouled up somehow, act like the people you pointed to
weren't the people that you meant.  Say something like "holy cow,
the people I were with are gone! They were right behind me!" 
This won't get you in, but it will keep you out of trouble.  When
this happens, leave the gate area and act pissed off that your
friends left you, and try to get in later.  It helps if there is
more than one entrance.  Also, if you are going with friends, go
in separately.  Unless you can squeeze in with
 a large group of
tourists, it isn't advisable to be together.  Have a meeting
place arranged beforehand so that you can get back together once
inside.  

     This all sounds real complicated, but it's almost too easy! 
As I said before, most of the people who work at these places are
kids, and don't want to be bothered chasing after someone who
squeezes through their line.  So!  Try this out and see what
happens! 

***********************************************
Excruciating Flatulence and Live Zen Worshi

***********************************************

      Taking the things I have talked about in hand, you 
adapt them towards other things, such as getting into concerts.
There are a few things that are concert specific, though.  A
crowd at a concert is much different from one at an amusement
park.  It is a lot harder to sneak into a concert than a park,
because there are not "tourist groups" to blend into.  Also, you
usually get frisked.  

 One method that has been used is fairly simple.  You just
have t
d a ticket stub.  If you can get one, get it.  You may
have to wait for someone leaving the show to give you their's. 
Or, if you know someone who has paid, have them hand you the stub
through a gate, or some place that you can "intersect" around the
place where the concert is held.  

 If you are more daring, try this method... go to the place
of the show early in the day.  Try to get around to where the
equipment is being loaded into the arena, or whatever the place
is.  If you can, slip in and find a pla
ce to hide out until the
show starts.  This can be hard, and takes a lot of patience. 
Again, if you can, use the skills taught in the last chapter.  

        Another good ploy is the wheelchair method.  A big show
should have a separate handicapped entrance.  Have a friend wheel
you to it.  Be covered with blankets, and have on a lot of the
band's junk, like shirts, hats, etc, so that you look like a real
fan.  The best kind of handicapped person to be is one that can't
talk, that just sits and does nothi
. 

    Now, let me get something straight with you, I am not
prejudiced against handicapped people, this is simply a method
used to enter places for free.  I am sure that anyone handicapped
in this way who reads this will find it moderately amusing. 
Enough said.  

    Okay, you are at the handicapped entrance, and they ask for
your tickets. You, of course, can't talk.  Drool a little.  If
you had a friend bring you in, they should say something like "oh
they are with the rest of the guys who are in anoth
e." 
Have him ask the ticket takers to let you and your wheelchair sit
inside so you won't get into any trouble.  When he goes off,
slowly wheel yourself to a good spot, and when they ticket takers
aren't looking, slide in.  

     A wheelchair is also a real good way of smuggling things
into a concert, be it drugs, cameras, or tape decks.  The topic
of tape decks and cameras will be dealt with in the file
"Bootleggage".  Look for it soon, heh. So, with all this, and a
little flavor of your own, you will be
e to Hoark with the
best. 

*****************
Finale, Finalo...
*****************

     Well, that does it for this issue of Freebage.  Look for
Sportsage coming soon.  Sportsage is a story about me and two
friends getting into the Super Bowl.  I was going to make it a
chapter in Freebage 2, but it's going to be quite a large file. 
Also, as mentioned before, look for Bootleggage, a guide to
taping, filming, and bootlegging concerts.

 And, as usual, please don't mess up the file.  If you want
to distribute
like that, but if you do, don't change anything. 
Any additions that you think should be made, write yourself into
a separate file, and get to me.  It will be included in a future
addition of Freebage.  Hopefully I can get some people to write
up a few things and put out a regular Tri or Bi monthly Freebage. 
If you have any suggestions, please address them to me, DISMAY. 
I can currently be reached at...um...well..probably wherever you
found this file.  Heh heh.
 
  Until next time, may your Hoarking be go
d and Bernstein
your way to hell.