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TUCoPS :: Scams :: funmail.txt

Fun with mail.

|                             Fun! with mailboxes                             |
|                           Written by The Nightfly                           |
|                               March 26, 1986                                |
|                                                                             |
|                              Spread it around!                              |

     Tired of cruising the streets looking for fun when nothing seems to be
happening? Bored of hanging around Dairy Queen at 3 AM? Well, fear not
because here is a fun and deceptively challenging activity that is sure
to releive those late-night doldrums. Yeah, you got it: smashing mailboxes
(and other hapless roadside fixtures). Before you start you'll need to make
a trip to your basement or garage to get the proper equipment, which include:

     - Crowbar
     - Sledgehammer
     - Pickaxe
     - A segment of board big enough to cover the front bumper of your car
     - Twine and/or rope
     - Explosives (i.e. M-80's, M-100's, etc.)
     - Spray paint

     Also, it makes for a better time if you can get ahold of some beer,
liquor, marijuana, etc. Just make sure one person stays sober to drive.

     So. Now you are standing out in your driveway at some wee hour of the
morning with your car full of demoliton equipment. Now what? Well, first you
must put some protection on your front bumper, which unprotected tends to
get rather scuffed up. Tie a length of board securely to the front bumper with
rope or twine, making sure that the board is long enough to protect the entire
bumper, but be careful that it does not obscure the headlights. The board
should be as thick as possible, and you might consider putting some padding
between it and the bumper, just in case it breaks. Now you are set to roll!
(Look out, though. Cops tend to be rather suspicious of cars driving around
looking like tanks, especially if they have intoxicated, armed teenagers
hanging out of the windows. You could get in serious trouble for any of the
actions I am about to describe, so be wary of the men in blue).

     The first step is to select the mailboxes you want to crush. Generally,
these fall into two categories: boxes belonging to enemies/losers, and
boxes selected simply at random. So drive around until you find a good,
dark, secluded road (perhaps in an exclusive section of town). Look for
houses with no lights on, and with neighboring houses that are either also
asleep or else a safe distance away. Once you are sure there are no witnesses,
choose your method of destruction:

     - By crowbar: this is generally the most difficlut method. For maximum
       effectiveness, try an uppercut, which is the best for completely
       removing the box from its post. Or, you can try the plain old
       baseball-style swing, straight from the side, which has a smaller
       chance of actually dismembering the box, but which will bend the post
       over partway, put a good crease in the side of the box, and bend it,
       causing it to appear comically lopsided.
     - By sledgehammer: there is really only one thing you can do with a
       sledgehammer: bring it down on the top of the box with all yer might.
       This will, quite simply, crush it. If you really lean into it and hit
       it lots of times, you might be able to squash it into a pankake.
       This could take more than a few seconds, though, so watch the house
       carefully. The sound of a mailbox being smashed wakes people up
       easily and fast.
     - By pickaxe: the method here is similar to using a sledgehammer, but
       the effect will be different in that the mailbox will definetly be
       unrepairable, since it will have several holes in it (as many as you
       wish to make). It's also not quite as loud, but that doesn't mean
     - Explosives: if you need to be told what to do with these, what are you
       doing reading this file? Be sure you put a long fuse on it, though;
       you don't want any mailbox fragments hitting your car, do you?
     - Spray paint: mailboxes make a good billboard for you to announce your
       opinion of their owners on, but there is not much room. You might be
       forced to write in the "margins" (i.e. the sidewalk, street, fence,
     - Your car: yes, this is the reason you put that board on the front of
       the car. Try knocking the box down, then running it over (as many
       times as you feel necessary).

     O.K., so now you've knocked down 10 or 20 mailboxes, and it is starting to
wear a little thin. So, you progress to the next step: CAPTURING mailboxes.
Actually, you should be doing this at the same time you are knocking them down.
Whenever you acrually knock on off its post, grab it and throw it in the back
seat. When you grow tired of knocking them down, or the back seat and trunk
become full, you can start disposing of the collected boxes. Try securing
several of them to your back bumper, then speeding down the highway until
they fall off. Throw a few at things you don't like. If someone in another
car on the highway flips you off, or otherwise rubs you the wrong way,
quickly speed ahead of them and throw mailboxes at them; it'll dent up
their car a little, and might even break a window. Be sure to get away fast,
because if they are real asswipes they will take your liscnse number and
report you to the cops. Back off the highway, try speeding down country roads
and throwing them at trees, phone poles, parked cars, etc. Make sure no one
is behind you.

     Now it's almost 3am, and your hands are starting to ache from throwing
all those mailboxes around. So dump all those remaining boxes in someone's
yard, and head off to begin the next step: no-holds-barred destruction of
roadside fixtures. See if you can bust up a parking meter so bad that the
coins come out. Use the crowbar to pry "fortress phones" off the wall, then
take them to a vacant lot or a parking lot and smash them inside out. If there
is really >nobody< out on the streets, try taking a pickaxe and sledgehammer
to one of those boxes that control traffic lights. Be very careful doing that,
though, because those things have electricity in them. You should be alright
if you use tools with wooden handles, though. Also, really be sure there is
no one around because if the cops catch you doing that they'll definetly
take you down to the station.

     Well, that's about all I can think of right now, but remeber, these are
only guidelines to give you ideas. Feel free to experiment; anything is fair
game. And keep the risks in mind; some of my freinds got busted for smashing
boxes recently, cuz some "good citizen" got their liscense number and reported
them. But don't worry too much; have a good time. Happy smashing!

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