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>>                                                                          <<
>>                                Real Pirates                              <<
>>                                  volume 4                                <<
>>                                                                          <<
>>                               by Redd Slaver                             <<
>>        sysop of the Blue Oyster Bay AE line, 409-693-7908 pw:DHARMA      <<
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  Well, these Real Pirate guides seem to be getting so popular that I thought
it was about time to write one myself. As a sysop I come into contact with a
lot of Real Pirates, as well as hordes of Assholes, Shitheads, Dick-for-Brains,
and other unsavory creatures. So, without further adieu, my perception of Real
Pirates:
 
 
  Real Pirates are at least 15 years old. (old, isn't it? but it remains true)
 
  Real Pirates can, if they have to.
 
  Real Pirates don't really care what kind of modem they use, because just
about any kind will work.
 
  Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos as the real useless piece of shit that
it is.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2 exclusively. If they don't have 4.2, they
improvise.
 
  corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates know enough 6502 programming to
improvise.
 
  Real Pirates play some instrument that can be used in a rock band, preferably
stringed. (guitar, bass, etc.)
 
  Real Pirates wear shirts that say: "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on them.
 
  Real Pirates just don't give a damn.
 
  Real Pirates who run systems of their own don't force uploads because they
know that there are enough other real pirates around that they will eventually
get what they want.
 
  corollary: when you offer a Real Pirate sysop a multi-sided ware, he doesn't
insist that you upload the whole thing at once.
 
  Real Pirates have Universe side 3 and have had it for a long time.
 
  Real Pirates are having no problems reading this because it's formatted for
80 columns.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates think in 80 columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms,
though, think in 160 columns.
 
  corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates dream in hi-res.
 
  Real Pirates who have Apple //es have never used 280 X 192 graphics on
their machine, only 560 X 192.
 
  Real Pirates have a ramdrive.
 
  Real Pirates who run systems don't backspace over their names 50 times
in the welcome message because they know that the only reason people read
welcome messages is to find out where the damn drives are.
 
  Real Pirates have a girlfriend. (at the very least)
 
  Real Pirates don't even think about calling the ANALOG lines any more
because there aren't any wares on them, only sext (sex-text) files.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates don't need to get their thrills from a textfile.
 
  corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl" is.
 
  Real Pirates don't whine about other people having funny names.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates call themselves whatever the hell they feel like
because they know that what they call themselves doesn't diminish their
abilities any.
 
  Real Pirates don't brag about their cracking abilities. If they crack
something, they put their name in ONE title page and start passing it
around.
 
  Real Pirates who get wares that have 10,000 useless title pages "CALL
THESE RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM! FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so
on, know how to get around them.
 
  Real Pirates upload.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST.
 
  If a system has online lists of what the sysop has and is looking for,
Real Pirates read them so they don't upload something he already has.
 
  Real Pirates who run AE lines do so 24 hours a day.
 
  Real Pirates have 1200 baud.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates have 1200 baud only because they haven't bought
a 2400 baud modem yet.
 
  Real Pirates know that it is only a matter of time before MCI and the others
clean up their long-distance lines enough to allow 2400 baud transfers.
 
  Real Pirates are not shelfish with their phreak codes, just like with their
wares.
 
  Real Pirates do not conclude every conversation with "Later", "Later on",
"Later daze", or anything of the like.
 
  Although they know how to spell and have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates
don't start bitching when someone else does it wrong. They just write them
off mentally as being a hopeless fuck-up.
 
  Real pirates have a larger vocabulary than just "what's your newest?".
 
  Real Pirates who are sysops do not have idiotic validation procedures that
take days or weeks. They know that when people call, they want wares, so
they give them immediate access to the AE part of they system.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates know that Textfiles are NOT the main reason to call
systems.
 
  Real Pirates who live in non-Communist zones read Joe Bob Briggs.
 
  Real Pirates read science fiction.
 
  corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because
they know it's derogatory.
 
  Real Pirates read Real science fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac Asimov,
Larry Niven, and David Gerrold, and couldn't care less about the fucking Xanth
series.
 
 
  well that's it for now. But since the Real Pirate breed is quickly becoming
contaminated and inbred, keep watch for more of these guides to set the
record straight. Call your favorite system today and upload any ware the
sysop needs, it'll be doing him a much-appreciated favor. Finally:
 
  Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you think you met every qualification in
this guide, you're just a stuck-up conceited excuse for an asshole and
should see a doctor to get your ego fixed.
 
  corollary: Read Pirates are Good Enough.
 
  THE END.