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*        Real  Rodent's  Guide        *
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*     Compiled By  Shooting Shark     *
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What if you don't want to be a pirate?
If you are content with being a rodent,
then it is still essential that you
do your best...here are some examples
of typical rodentesque behavior.
 
     Real Rodents still don't com-
pletely understand shape tables.
 
     Real Rodents think "Whiz Kids"
was a realistic show.
 
     Real Rodents call OSUNY, read 
all the messages, and then post 
messages stating that they'd like
to trade Commodore software.
 
     Real Rodents are taking Logo
at school.
 
     Real Rodents aren't allowed
on most Elite Boards, so they leave
messages on the scamaanonymous boards
asking people to "post some codez."
 
     Real Rodents don't understand the
concept of the "*" command, so they
select each board systematically until
they come to the board they want.
 
     Real Rodents use firmware routines.
 
     Real Rodents call Catsend lines 
with AE.
 
     Real Rodents don't have their own
phone line.
 
     Real Rodents call "Forthnet-80"
because it's the only board that's 
hardly ever busy.
 
     Real Rodents have never heard of
Steve Wozniak or Captain Crunch.
 
     Real Rodents have their dads buy
their disks for them.
 
     Real Rodents can't use their
word processors for actual schoolwork,
because they only have 40 columns and
upper case.
 
     Real Rodents don't even own prin-
ters, for that matter.
 
     Real Rodents hit "C" immediately 
after they get onto a board.
 
     Real Rodents can't type over 20
wpm.
 
     Real Rodents post passwords to
computer systemsSSprint codes that
they got off of 3-month old
messages without testing them out
first to see if they still work.
 
     Real Rodents will offer you 
money for the local Telenet number.
 
     Real Rodents can't quite grasp
the concept of file capture or even
printer echo, so they scribble stuff
down on paper.
 
     Real Rodents bug hackers they 
know personally for codes, even when
the mothers of the rodents in question
won't let them have modems.
 
     Real Rodents tell everyone they
know at school that they have the 800
number for Citibank Home Banking.
 
     Real Rodents can't understand why
the Metro codes they begged off of
people won't work on their rotary
phone.
 
     Real Rodents just can't get 
Catsend to work.
 
     Real Rodents think Coke is only
a drink, and it's their favorite.
 
     When Real Rodents see "WOPR"
under a person's name, they think
it's the computer in Wargames.
 
     When asked for a password,
Real Rodents use "JOSHUA" or
"PENCIL" or "APPLE".
 
     Real Rodents watch a lot of TV.
Their favorite shows are "Facts
of Life", "Simon and Simon", "Silver
Spoons", "Fall Guy", and "T.J Hooker".
 
     Real Rodents are always home on
Friday nights, but they don't watch
"Miami Vice".
 
     Likewise, Real Rodents are home
every Saturday night, but have to go
to bed before "Saturday Night Live"
is on.
 
     Real Rodents play Taxman.
 
     Real Rodents can't stand Infocom
games.  They prefer those "neat" Sierra-
On-Line hi-res adventures.   
 
     Since Real Rodents usually feel
left out on most boards, they post
obscene messages on the war board
insulting everybody, just so someone
will leave them a message.
 
     Real Rodents post "I have C64 
warez to trade" messages on the Story
and X-rated boards.
 
     When Real Rodents get into sysop
chat mode, they are so excuted that
they make a typo every other word.
So, they backspace and correct each
word, as if the sysop is so stupid
that he can't understand words when
they are misspelled.  The sysop
gets tired of waiting 5 minutes
for each response and hangs up
on the rodent.
 
     The first message a Real Rodent
posts on a board is one that tells
everything about himself ("I like
beer, cars and girls. Did I mention
girls?  My real name is...").
Most of this is bullshit.  The 
message is terminated with a plea
to "leave me email!!!!"
 
     Real Rodents haven't gone 
through puberty yet.
 
     Real Rodents don't understand
the term, "go into the monitor".
 
     Real Rodents use Byte Zap or
DF 3.3 to put their names on other
people's cracks.
 
     Real Rodents try to write
adventures in Applesoft.
 
     Real Rodents just don't know
when to shut up.
 
That's it...I hoped you enjoyed
the file.  If you keep these 
generalities in mind, in no time you
will be able to call yourself a
Real Rodent...
 
Copyright 1985     Shooting Shark