TUCoPS :: Truly Miscellaneous :: pizza.txt

100 Zany Ways to phone in a pizza order

Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: Re: Need "100ways to make your pizza-service crazy"
From: ddaniel@mindport.net (Dani)
Date: Sat, 01 Feb 1997 11:21:35 GMT

nobody@REPLAY.COM (Anonymous) wrote:

>Hi! I need the "100 ways to make your pizza-service crazy" that was postes
>by somebody a couple weeks ago. Can anybody help?
If you enjoy this joke and would like to see more like it, please
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  1.  If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.  Ask
      person taking the order to stop doing that.

  2.  Make up a charge-card name.  Ask if they accept it.

  3.  Use CB lingo where applicable.

  4.  Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

  5.  Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this

  6.  Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
      you're going with the lowest bidder.

  7.  Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang

  8.  Answer their questions with questions.

  9.  In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
      and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

 10.  Use these bonus words in the conversation:  ROBUST

 11.  Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

 12.  Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
      "Master of Puppets" CD.

 13.  Do not name the toppings you want.  Rather, spell them out.

 14.  Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

 15.  Stutter on the letter "p."

 16.  Ask for a deal available somewhere else.  (e.g. If phoning
      ask for a Cheeser!  Cheeser!)

 17.  Ask what the order taker is wearing.

 18.  Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

 19.  Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
      called you.

 20.  Rattle off your order with a determined air.  If they ask if you
      would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

 21.  Tell the order taker you're depressed.  Get him/her to cheer you

 22.  Make a list of exotic cuisines.  Order them as toppings.

 23.  Change your accent every three seconds.

 24.  Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
      from an equation you are about to dictate.  Ask if they need

 25.  Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.  Say
      Camp, right?"

 26.  Start your order with "I'd like. . . ".  A little later, slap
      yourself and say "No, I don't."

 27.  If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
      That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

 28.  Rent a pizza.

 29.  Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

 30.  Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.  When they say yes, heave
      sigh of relief.

 31.  Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."  Use the
long "i"

 32.  Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

 33.  Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?  When they say yes, say
      "Well, so is this!  You've got some explaining to do!"  When
      finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to
      cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

 34.  Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
      When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
      goodbye at the top of your lungs.

 35.  Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,

 36.  Imitate the order taker's voice.

 37.  Eliminate verbs from your speech.

 38.  When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?  Oh, you mean

 39.  Play a sitar in the background.

 40.  Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
      behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you
      surprise him/her.

 41.  Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country

 42.  Ask to see a menu.

 43.  Quote Carl Sandberg.

 44.  Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call

 45.  Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

 46.  Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

 47.  Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should

 48.  Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

 49.  Shout "I'm through with men/women!  Send me a dozen of your

 50.  Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
      was I?  Who are you?"

 51.  Psychoanalyze the order taker.

 52.  Ask what their phone number is.  Hang up, call them, and ask

 53.  Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

 54.  Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie.  Ask
      these be included in the pizza.

 55.  Call to complain about service.  Later, call to say you were
      and didn't mean it.

 56.  Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor

 57.  Report a petty theft to the order taker.

 58.  Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and
      in Tinsel Town."

 59.  Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

 60.  If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
      swayed by your sweet words."

 61.  Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

 62.  Try to talk while drinking something.

 63.  Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and. .
      . action!"

 64.  Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

 65.  Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

 66.  Be vague in your order.

 67.  When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
      this time."

 68.  If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the

 69.  After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
      Simulate a cutoff.

 70.  Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may
      be my last entry."

 71.  State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
      to get.

 72.  Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza."  Make
up a
      description to go with the term.  Ask that this be done to your

 73.  Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.  Ask if
      felt that.

 74.  Detect the order taker's psychic aura.  Use it to your

 75.  When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another

 76.  Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.  Stop talking at
      intervals to play it.

 77.  Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.  Suggest an even

 78.  Perfect a celebrity's voice.  Stress that you won't take any
      from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

 79.  Put them on hold.

 80.  Teach the order taker a scret code.  Use the code on all

 81.  Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat."  When asked to repeat
      say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

 82.  Make the first topping you order mushrooms.  Make the last thing
      say "No mushrooms, please."  Hang up before they have a chance

 83.  When the order is repeated, change it slightly.  When it is
      again, change it again.  On the third time, say "You just don't
      it, do you?"

 84.  When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
      I hate math."

 85.  Haggle.

 86.  Order a one-inch pizza.

 87.  Order term life insurance.

 88.  When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
      won't we?"

 89.  Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

 90.  Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

 91.  While on the phone, fake entering puberty.  Fluctuate pitch
      act embarrassed.

 92.  Engage in some serious swapping.

 93.  Dance all around the word "pizza."  Avoid saying it at all
costs.  If
      he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

 94.  Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
      background.  Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

 95.  If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing

 96.  Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

 97.  Order a steamed pizza.

 98.  Get taker's name.  Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
      your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so."  Hang up.

 99.  Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

 If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100.
 in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

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