Here's a bunch of phone call transcripts that I typed up simply
because I have no life to speak of. Most of them are actual
calls, typed straight from a cassette tape but a few are just
made up, something I did to kill time on a rainy day. The made
up ones are pretty obviously made up, as they include operator
suicides and police raids on phone booths.

By the way I have tons of cassette tapes FULL of most of this
crap and more. If you'd like to order the actual tape or want to
submit some of your own calls,
 dial 512-370-4680 voice and listen to the message, or leave your
own message.

MasterRoy: --------- AT&T: "This is the AT&T operator, may I help
you?" RBCP: "Yeah, I want to use my credit card to bill this
call." AT&T: "Please hold while I get an operator who can
validate your card." RBCP:
".........Hello?............Hellooooooooooo??....Hey, operator,
what,
      you get drunk and fall off of your chair or what?" AT&T:
(Irritated) "If you'll wait just a minute, sir, I'm getting
someone here
      who can validate your card." RBCP: "Well, geez, it's taking
you long enough. Don't you know you're not
      supposed to drink on the job?" AT&T: (New operator) "This
is AT&T, what kind of card will you be using?" RBCP: "It's a
MasterRoy." AT&T: "Excuse me?" RBCP: "MasterRoy. You know,
Master the possibilities? The universal credit
      card? No other card more accepted on the planet?" AT&T:
"You mean Mastercard." RBCP: "Well, it's from the bank in Roy,
New Mexico and they call it a
      MasterRoy. They're pretty silly people, aren't they?" AT&T:
"Could I have the expiration date, please?" RBCP: "Yes, it's
13/97." AT&T: "What's that?" RBCP: "The expiration date is
13/97." AT&T: "That can't be right, sir." RBCP: "Well, the kid
who put my card together at the Roy Bank was new and I
      think he made a misprint on my card. It's probably supposed
to say
      12/97." AT&T: (I hear her hitting the buttons harder, as if
in frustration.) "Thank
      you for using AT&T. Your call is completing."

Operator 4592: ------------- AT&T: "AT&T, Operator 4592. How were
you wanting to bill your call, sir?" RBCP: "I want to charge it
to my home phone. My number is 618-258-1160 and my
      name is Darin McCall." AT&T: "Just a minute......Sir, the
man on the other line says that HE is Darin
      McCall." RBCP: "Hmmm...Maybe that's because I just picked
his name at random out of the
      phone book and I'm trying to call my friend in Austraila
and bill it to
      him." AT&T: "You can't do that. Obviously, it doesn't
work." RBCP: "Yes it does work, actually. About every third try
it seems to work. You
      see, usually the wife will answer and she'll think it's her
husband
      trying to make a legitimate phone call." AT&T: "You'll be
caught, though, sooner or later." RBCP: "And if the third number
billing doesn't work, I'll simply use one of
      the stolen calling cards I've obtained or perhaps a
business's PBX
      number." AT&T: "I hope you get caught." RBCP: "I won't. I
wrote down your operator number you gave me and I know how to
      get your name from that. If you don't start being nice to
me, I'll
      charge some calls to your house. You can't stop me, you
know." AT&T: "Fuck you, you little bastard."
  Then she hung up. I swear, some operators just have absolutely
no sense of humor at all. I was just trying to make her job a
little more exciting. I did feel sort of bad when I saw the news
that night and found out that she had tried to hang herself
shortly afterwards with her operator headset.


A Little Fun Backfires: ---------------------- AT&T: "AT&T,
Please deposit 80 cents for the past three minutes." RBCP: (I
take a handfull of coins and jingle them next to the
mouthpiece.)
      "You hear that? I've got all this money and I'm not giving
you one damn
      cent! Hahaha!" AT&T: "Oh, well THAT'S fine with me, I'll
just bill it to the number you
      called then." RBCP: "Hey, go ahead, buster. I was
harrassing those people anyways. I'll be
      even better if they get a bill for it.........Well...hmmm,
I guess maybe
      I can give you a little money. Here's fifty cents..."
(beepbeepbeepbeep) AT&T: "Sir, it has to be real coins, not a
recording. Do you want me to turn
      you in to security right now?" RBCP: "That's not a
recording, it's a red box! They're electronicly produced
      coins. Learn to tell the difference, you shmuck." AT&T:
"Okay, let me turn you in to security right now....." SUPR:
"This is the supervisor. Can I help you?" RBCP: "Gee, that's
funny. He told me that he was getting security but all I
      get is a lousey low-life supervisor. What do you want?"
AT&T: "Sir, 80 cents." RBCP: "Okay, here...."
beepbeepbeepbeepbeep....beepbeepbeepbeepbeep...(I box
      in the eighty cents he wants.) "Oh, and here's an extra
quarter just
      because I like you." beepbeepbeepbeepbeep! SUPR: "Those
aren't real coins, sir. Do you want me to send the police over
      there right now?" RBCP: "Yeah, sure, send the police over
here. If I had a nickle for every time
      an operator threatened to send the police to me..."

Suddenly, I look up and there's a helicopter overhead with his
light shinning down on me. I turn to run toward's the shopping
center but there's a few dozen men in army fatiges with machine
guns running down the side of the hill. So I turn the other way
and three local police cars are sliding to a stop, surrounding
the pay phone. Two FCC vans pull up and about sixteen Illinois
Bell trucks follow close behind and I think, "Man, I'm
surrounded. I am fucked!"

I had to destroy the evidence, so I took my modified Radio Shack
tone dialer/ red box and swallowed it. After hours of grilling
by the police, they finally let me go because of lack of
evidence. Later that week, every employee of Cincinatti Bell
Telephone found that their home phone services no longer
existed. It took them days to fix it all.

MCDS: Thank you for calling McDonald's, May I help you? RBCP:
McYes. I'd like to have a 69 piece McNuggets, a McCoke and two
orders of
      McFrench fries delivered right Mcnow. MCDS: We don't
deliver, sir. RBCP: McExcuse me? I'm looking at your McAd in the
McPaper and it SAYS right
      here in black and mcWhite that you McDeliver. MCDS: Well,
that's some sort of printing mistake or something. RBCP: This is
McRediculous! Let me speak to your McManager! MCDS: Okay, please
hold. RBCP: McHurry, you McLoser.

Oregon Relay Service: -------------------- The following two
phone calls were done on the Oregon Relay Service. This is
service for the deaf where you call up an operator with your
computer and type the number you want to call. The operator will
translate what you're typing to the person who answers the
phone, word for word.

OREGON RELAY MAY I HELP YOU? GA

I need to call someone. The number is 503-234-6779 ga

DIALING LOCAL CALL PLS HD  RINGING 1 ... ( F) HELLO GA

Ask if they've found Karen yet ga

(EXPLAINING RELAY)  UM.. KAREN IS UM.. HAS GONE TO WORK  GA

Oh, so she's back home q ga

SHE WILL BE HOME ABOUT 7 00 GA

My name is floyd and I'm a senior citizen I saw a missing child
poster on a phone pole by my house and had a nude picture of her
on it. I thought i saw her but i was wondering if her nipples
are really so large q ga

EXCUSE ME GA

I found a poster by my house. Don't think me perverted but i
thought i might be able to identify by her nipples ga

(EXPLAINING RELAY)  UM.. THIS IS ABSURD AND  U KNOW IM JUST GOING
TO HANG UP NOW (PERSON HUNG UP) OTRS 907F GA OR SK

darn oh well, thanx for trying ga sksk

SKSK

Directory Assisstance: --------------------- at+t osd opr 4006 I
how can i help you q ga

YES, I NEED A NUMBER IN COUNCIL BLUFFS, IOWA GA

ma, name of the person and address please q ga

HER NAME IS KAY. GA

last name please ga

I'M NOT SURE OF THAT. JUST TYPE "KAY" AND HIT THE SPACE BAR A
COUPLE OF TIMES GA

ok    im sorry i can not find a listing for just a person named
kay. do you have a last name q ga

NO , BUT I HAVE KAY'S FIRST NAME. IT'S KAY. GA

so the name is kay kay q ga

YES, I DON'T KNOW HER LAST NAME. SHE WORKS AT THE CORNER MARKET
(KAY'S MARKET)

... ok for a listing in directory assistance the listing is not
done by the first name you need

WELL, IT'S MOSTLY A BLACK NEIGHBORHOOD, SO IF YOU LOOK UNDER THE
WHITE DIRECTORY YOU CAN PROBABLY NARROW HER DOWN GA

the listing is not listed by race colour job  or any other
descrpn ga

ARE YOU SAYING THAT I NEED MORE THAN JUST KAY Q GA

correct you need full name and address for directory asstance to
get phone nm

DO I GET A COOKIE FOR BEING CORRECT Q GA

hummmm.....   i cant answer that   but you might get the phone