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How to Avoid the Draft

     Hey, you.  Yeah... YOU!  Pacifist type.  Are you thinking "Hey,
this isn't MY war."  Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump
is worth my life!  Heck, even sixty cents!"  Perhaps you've weighed
the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar
Energy....  Death in the Sand..."  Maybe you're all set, and you're
ready to fight.  BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing",
it could help you to know...

                  The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT

1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)
     A popular choice during Vietnam.  A classic.  This is a good
opportunity to "see the world."  Actually, it's like being drafted in
that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh"
to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform,
finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it
on you head).  Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge aht
there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the

2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)
    This is fairly easy.  Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight.  The
VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out.  The
key is the cathode-ray tube.  Be sure to sit close to the set.  Feel
free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep!
Caffeine is totally legal.  This must be done immediately prior to
your physical examination for the Armed Forces.  Try not to yawn when
you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans.  The
only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is liable to
drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write.

3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your
     Going without sleep has no effect on you?  You've got the
allnighter's tolerance?  You're going to need to catch something.
Virulent.  This can definitely involve some interesting social

4. Ageification  (The Doctor Method...who?)
     Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry!  This stratagem either
requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend
telling you she accidently took the Pill out of order and has been
eating vitamins for the past week.  In any case, an old British phone
booth can be substituted for one of these methods.

5. Dopeification  (Whajjuu say, man?)
     The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the
brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking
to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab
of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and
your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole
thing is over.  Ten years ago.

6. Conscientious Objection  (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy)
     Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector.  Note, you
must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector
since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.

7. Captivity  (Non-self anti-exile)
     The default method.  See, the draft is a choice.  If you make NO
choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be
drafted!  When you don't report to base after receiving your draft
notice, the army won't make you fight.  In fact, they'll take you to a
maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit.  (Bonus:
free food, shelter, and back rubs).

8. Orientation Rearranging  ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")
     Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft
acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual."  You
couldn't beg them to let you stay in.

9. In and Out  (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)
     Sure!  You'll fight!  Report in.  Move in to the barracks!  You
want to fight, yeah.  Act enthused... maybe... too enthused.  Talk
about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate.  Be sure to keep a
hollow, far away look in your eyes.  It's also a good idea to twitch
random muscles whenever anyone is near you.  Scream "DIE" very loudly
several times during the night.  In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan
told me he loves me and is glad I'm here."  Repeat as necessary, don't
blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth.  Once you get
to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding
and that you are actually quite sane.

10. Violence  (The Last Resort)
     While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of
one of his hunger strikes, Ghandi was offered a piece of chocolate
cake by a less enlightened disciple.  The disciple then remembered
Ghandi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing.  The doctors
managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Ghandi's lesson to
him is well noted.  Should you find your back to the wall, here are
some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be
random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids
can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts
a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate,
dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety
off, and there are NO innocents!  Sure, you may become the thing you
most despise, but at least it's your fight.

Good Luck!

And remember, if things don't work out...
   don't forget the flea powder.

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