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Excerpts from A Speeder's Guide to Avoiding Tickets, written by a

The following are excerpts from the book "A Speeder's Guide to Avoiding 
Tickets" written by Sgt. James M. Eagan, N.Y.S.P.(ret).

What to do if a policeman is pulling you over.

Raise your right hand up, bent at the elbow and move it left to right a 
couple of times.  The cop now knows you have seen him and will be ready 
to slow down with you.

Turn on your right turn signal, so he knows your going to the right hand 
shoulder and not the median.

If their is a car in the lane next to you, pass it, do not slow down.  
If you slow down, it will piss off the cop.  Don't worry about speeding he 
has already caught you for speeding.

The cop may choose to stay directly behind you or drop behind the other car.  
Regardless of his actions, continue to pull over.

When you are in the right hand lane ease off to the right of 
the rod, not stopping too fast.

Pull as far right as you can so the cop can park his car closer to the 
traffic and use his car to protect himself.

If guard rails do not permit you to pull over far enough, try to pick a spot 
where they end and pull over there.  But don't drive a mile down the road to 
do so.

At night, it is very important to immediately turn o your interior light.

Do not start looking through your glove box for paper work.

After putting your car in park, turn off your radio and CB.  Put out your 
cigarette or cigar in the ashtray, not out the window.  If you are chewing 
gum, put that in the ashtray.  If you are wearing sun glasses, take them off.

Never exit your car unless you ask the cop for permission.

Roll your window all the way down and sit still with both hands on the 
steering wheel.

You now are ready to talk to the nice policeman.

It may be a few minutes before he walks up to you.  Don't act nervous and 
start fidgeting.  He is most likely running your plate to see if the car is 
wanted.  Just stay still, you don't want to present the appearance of being 
in a hurry.

When the cop comes to the door look straight into his mirror sunglasses or eyes.

If you are going to lie you should have thought it out long before you
were stopped.  If you start thinking now, it is too late you may want to 
just be honest and tell the truth, even if it was just that you were bored.

Here is a reason not to have your license and registration ready.  The more 
time you have to talk the better.  Which may just be 30 seconds.

When he asks you for your paperwork don't say WHY.  Say OF COURSE, SURE, or 

Then tell him where you are going to get them.  Like they are in my wallet, 
or they are in my glove compartment.

Then reach for them AFTER BREAKING EYE CONTACT!!!  If you continue to look 
at him, your are telegraphing the possibility that he is about to be blown away.

If you have to look elsewhere, then look into his eyes and tell him where you 
are going to look. Then break eye contact before looking.

Once you get the paperwork out of the glove box, leave it open.  This will 
say, I have nothing to hide.

The opposite is true if you go into a console between seats.  Close it after 
you get the paper work.  It is just to easy for you to reach back in and 
pull out a gun.

Do not over dose on the term "SIR". Instead call him by the type of cop he is.

    1.  If his sleeve has 3 or more stripes call him sergeant 
	or sarge.

    2.  If his sleeve has 1 or 2 stripes call him corporal.

    3.  If no stripes and state police call him trooper.

    4.  If no stripes and sheriff call him deputy.

    5.  If no stripes and highway patrol call him officer.

    6.  All other call him officer.

Treat female police the same.  Don't treat her as if you were in a bar.  
Don't give a big smile. don't try t o pick her up. Don't call her miss or 
m'am, dear, honey or even sir.  Use the 5 steps from above. Sargent, 
corporal, trooper, deputy, officer.

Stories you can try. 

For women only.

Women have a secret weapon.


You can't cry to much.  Start before he comes and keep going.  Don't just 
sniffle and weep, cry and make tears.

Men can try it also.

If crying isn't working then tell the officer that your husband, father, 
uncle said he would beat you if you got any speeding ticket.  Make sure you 
say speeding ticket! That way you may just get a ticket for a minor violation 
like burnt out taillights.

Don't use boyfriend or fiance.

You can also add the following.  Act scared of the big bad cop.  You simple 
feign in terror.  As the cop walks up, start shaking like a leaf.  Your voice 
must be cracking.  Breathing must be almost hyperventilating.  If he asks what 
is wrong.  Say your scared.  If he asks if you are ok, say no!  Your are in 
fear of him.  Point out how you are scared because you are going to get a 
speeding ticket.  Add you don't know what to do.

The following are stories anyone can try.

The Potty Ploy.

Something that sometimes works is that you have to relieve yourself.  Start 
before the cop comes to the car.  Twist your head around and out the window 
and say, "Officer, if you're going to give me a ticket, please follow me to 
the next rest room first.  I honestly don't thing I can hold it any

You should also be getting painful cramps while looking for you license and 
registration.  When you bend over, make is seem like it hurts and groan 

Be certain to ask the office where the next rest area is and can't he, at 
least meet you there

Also keep your eyes open.  If you just passed an exit that had a bathroom the 
cop will know you are lying.  And don't use the story if you are going 
150 mph. Think about what speed you might be going if it was true.

Also stop at the next rest stop no matter what, the cop may follow you and 

Here's another story.  The erratic driver ploy.

Have you ever been passed by a reckless driver and mumbled to yourself, 
"where is a cop now, I'd like to see that guy get a ticket".  Here's how to 
use it.  If someone does pass you try to get his plate number or at least the 
state or color and some numbers off the plate.  Follow him and drive a 
slightly slower keeping him in sight.

Here's how to use it.  When the officer approaches the car say "Am I glad to 
see you!"  Before he asks for your license and registration tell him you have 
been trying to raise a cop on channel 9 and 19 of you CB, assuming you have 
one.  Don't worry about being caught in a lie cops know how unreliable CBs are.  
If you have a cellular phone tell him you were just trying get the operator to 
connect you with the police.

You then tell him about the crazy driver that just flew by you and was 
tailgating and weaving.  Then describe the vehicle and the plate, and ask the 
cop to call ahead so someone can catch him.  When he tells you he has pulled 
you over for speeding say, " Of course,  I was trying to keep that nut in view 
until I could get one you guys; but I was afraid to get too close or go any 
faster so he was pulling away.  He still can't be more that a few miles or so 
ahead of us."  

Lack of Guilt by Association Ploy.

Cops don't give other cops tickets.  In spite of this knowledge, NEVER CLAIM 
TO BE A POLICE OFFICER!  We have our own jargon and in most state 
jurisdictions, it is a criminal offense to claim to be a cop.  Before the 
officer gets your license in his hot little hand, mention that you are 
traveling to or from your brother's house in an adjoining state.  Also 
mention that your brother just happens to be a cop.  Better yet, he is a 
lieutenant or captain in a police jurisdiction in the other state.  This works 
best if you managed to figure out what type of cop you are dealing with and 
your imaginary brother just happens to be the same kind.  (Sheriff, Trooper, 

Be sure to point out that your relative/policeman works in another state.  
Police officers are a close knit fraternity.  If you claim that you are related 
to a cop in the same state, you might find out that the office you are talking 
to was recently transferred from that area and knows all the cops who work 

There is a whole list of people who are often let go with a warning.  If you 
are one of those people, it is important let the cop know it as soon as you 
can work it into the conversation.  

Firemen (professional get more consideration that 
Ambulance and rescue workers.
Prison guards
Priests, Ministers and Nuns

You might also consider becoming a minister.  It is my understanding that 
some "churches" sell certificates attesting to ordination as part of what 
appears to me to be a scheme to avoid taxes.  I don't know any cop whoever 
took the trouble to find out to what church a priest or minister was 
affiliated with before letting him go.. There is also a real neat bumper 
sticker that just says "CLERGY' That works very well.

A most important point is that you look like a member of the clergy.  Your 
car should have religious medallion on the dashboard and a Bible somewhere in 
plain view.  Your car should not have any decals such as parking lot permits 
that would not be on a minister's car.  Don't forget that the registration 
might be a give away if it is a company car.  Have a reasonable explanation 
prepared in advance.

Famous last words.

I must remind you that mostly people who get ticket have managed to talk 
themselves into them.

Here are some things not to do.

Don't sit there silent, like a bump on a log.  If you sit there silent, the cop 
will label you as someone who is being silent to avoid self-incrimination.  He 
will then make the assumption you will be pleading no guilty and he will react 
accordingly by issuing you a carefully written ticket with bunches of notes on 
his copy.

Don't say "What's the problem?"  This should be avoided because it starts the 
conversation off with the insinuation that the officer is an irritant to you.

In like manner the very lame question,  "Was I speeding?" should never be used.

Don't say "I was just going with traffic,"  What a dumb comment to make to a 
cop who just finished chasing you!

The next frequently used gem Is, " My speedometer is broken."  It is used so 
often that the officer just assumed you are lying.

How many time has someone told me, " I had my cruise control set at sixty-two," 
when they had been pulled over for seventy of more in a fifty-five zone!  They 
are informing me it is O.K. to speed at certain rates and I should ignore them.  
Although true, why anger a cop by saying so.

"I'm sorry."  Maybe, once during my career, I ran into a person who was truly 
contrite but I doubt it.  What you really mean is,  "I'm sorry I was caught."  
Either way it hardly matters.  Cops are not offended by most speeders and don't 
expect an apology.  They just gave to write a certain number of ticket so as 
to justify their existence and keep their bosses off their backs.  

Never, never us the works, "do you know?"  Somewhere, somehow, the public got 
the idea that if they were able to name enough police officers then the cop 
giving the ticket would change his mind.  Mind you, I an not contradiction 
myself with respect to the "Not Guilty by association" ploy in the last chapter.  
There is quite a big difference.  In that part of the book, I explained how you 
might avoid a ticket by claiming to be related to a cop not known by the 
officer who stopped you.  I also told now pretending to be good friends with a 
high ranking police officer might help you avoid a ticket.  What I an referring 
to now is something completely different, where the violator (that's you, 
sport) believes if he can name cops who the officer knows then a ticket won't 
be written.  

The next one may anger many of you but sometimes the truth hurts.  Don't point 
out to the nice uniformed gentleman, "I fought form my country.  I'm a vet!" 
and expect him to fall on his knees while begging you to forgive him for being 
so unreasonable as to stop you.  there are quite a few variations of this, such 
as, "I fought in the big one, WW2," or " I was sounded while fighting for this 
country." We also go plenty of, " I spent a year risking my life in Vietnam, 
when my country called." I ask you, just what dies entering the military have 
to do with speeding?  To best take advantage of the police officers who would 
tend to give preference to a veteran. I would suggest you invest in a small 
decal and place it on your driver's side rear window.  No cop worth his salt 
would miss seeing the decal and your silence on the subject would tend to 
achieve the results you may have thought you would get by 'Sounding off."

I want to see the radar display.  Believe it or not, there are people out there 
who are so foolish as to actually make such a demand on a cop.

What's your name.  We can link this with similar dumb question, what is your 
badge number"  Now think, folks will his giving you this information aid you 
in any way?

Then there's the "You're a cop so you must be a racist" accusation.  It always 
starts out this the line, "You just stopped me because I'm_______."  In the 
blank space, the reader can feel free to insert the racial designation of 
his choice, except white.

One more gem guaranteed to give you a ticket is to claim you were not speeding.
Never directly contradict what a cop says.  When the cop says he stopped you 
for speeding, he does not what to hear,  "No I wasn't! or "I was NOT speeding!"
Let's not for get the standard police personality.  How dare you call that cop 
a liar!!!  

Here's a good one.  Often the officer will try to set you up by asking you,  
"Do you know how fast you were going?"  No matter what you say, you dig a 
bigger hole.  If you say you were driving at the speed limit, you are 
considered a liar by the cop and in his mind, you will deserve the ticket.

How can you possibly side step this attack?  It's hard to say.  It depends on 
the cop.  Your best bet is to try a comment like, "I just wasn't paying 
attention like I should have officer, how fast was I going?"  You put the 
ball back in his court.  When he tells you your speed, act surprised and 
respond with something like, "I had no idea!" If he is not sure your car was 
the one clocked, he will let you go.  If he is sure, he will be inclined to 
think of you as a nice guy.

Last but not least, let us address the few ladies who are still out there that 
look up at the cop through their fluttering eyelashes and with tongue wetting 
their lips, use the old line,  "I'll do anything to avoid a ticket."  
Often included in the show are open buttons on the blouse and a shirt hiked up 
nearly to the panty line.  Give the cop a break!  If you are that easy, what 
cop in his right mind would want to take a chance o getting a disease?  In 
the last few years, these ladies have become scarce.

Although you have already learned a few tricks and techniques to aid you in 
avoiding a ticket, there are many more the accomplished speeder should know.  
This next section will deal with what you can do before ever leaving your 
driveway or carport that will tend to make the officer want to let you go. 

First, examine the complete exterior of the vehicle.  Let's cover the most 
obvious . . . bumper stickers.  Political sticker should all be removed. 
The cutely sticker like: "Don't like my driving, dial 1 800 EAT SHIT" or
"Protected by Smith and Wesson".  The "MAFIA staff car" or "U toucha my car, 
I breaka Your face".  You can use your car as a forum for your opinions or you 
can use it to speed.  It is not a good idea to try both.

I mentioned that certain professional groups tended to be given a break.  
Included in the list were medial and emergency worker such as fireman, 
ambulance crews, rescue workers, doctors and nurses?  You might want to try to 
cash in on their good fortune by putting on a bumper sticker that could 
insinuates you were part o one these groups.  I am partial to the ones that say:


I know of no law that requires you to be a member of any group before using a 
bumper sticker. If the cop make the wrong assumption, shame on him.

While checking the rest of your car, let's not overlook those little yellow 
diamond shaped signs with the suction cups.  At first, all of them just said 
"Baby on Board" but then the humor started.  if you have on that say 
"Ex-husband in trunk," you can bet the cop will be recently divorced.  If you 
have one that says "Mother-in-law in trunk," he will have just had a fight 
with his wife, covering his mother.  Get rid of anything that might offend 

If you have a cap advertising any sport team, you can bet the cop will favor 
their division rival.  The use of caps with police logos only indicate to the 
officer, you were intending in advance , to speed.  Those hats also tend to 
reduce your vision through your rear view mirror and, if you want the best 
advice, get rid of them.

If you have a vanity plate that might be insulting, pro-speeding, or linked to 
any type of substance abuse (including alcohol) should be avoided.

Is the paint faded and does a dent exist in the rear quarter panel?  If you 
intend to spend a lot of time of the open road with the car, I would suggest 
you have the scratches and dents repaired.  Put a good wax job on the car.  
Always try to get the car washed before any long trip.  It is easier to ticket 
a bum than a "nice guy."  

Even if your car is a tired old bomb, you will want to make it look as good as 
possible.  This means you will have to go to a junkyard and replace that 
missing hubcap that you lost in 1982.

It is also time to fix that leaky muffler system and be certain you replace 
any tires that look the slightest bit worn.

Do I have to tell you to replace any cracked windows?

If your state requires a vehicle inspection and you are due, or nearly due, 
get it done before your trip.

While you are getting all these repairs done, don't forget to have any rust 
spots sanded and painted.

This may be running into more money than you desire to spend.  If you were to 
consider what a couple of tickets will do to your insurance rates, you might 
view the repairs as a good investment.

Let's not overlook your car windows.  Are there any decals that might be 
offensive to the cop?  The decals that might be offensive to the cop?  The 
decals that most frequently raise the hackles on cop necks are the ones 
relating to the musical groups such as "The Grateful Dead."

Do you have any decals that indicate you support a particular Police 
Benevolent Association or to the cop fraternal outfit?

Clean the floors and under the seats.  Get rid of any old beer, soda bottles 
or trash.  Consider removing all those items hanging from your rear view
mirror.  Empty the ash tray and get into the habit of closing it when not in 
use.  Clean out the glove box of all unnecessary items.  

Every officer is adamant that anyone stopped for speeding, who was equipped 
with a radar detector, would get a ticket.  You must figure out a way to keep 
your radar detector while making it invisible to the cop. 

The first thing to do is get out some black paint or tape and cover the small 
lights on the back of the unit. You must also hide the twisty cord that hangs 
down in plain view from your detector.  It is a simple matter to run the 
cord under the interior body molding the runs between the side of the 
windshield and the driver's door.  Your best bet is to have one installed that 
has the antenna mounted in the grill and the receiver mounted inside the car 
but out of sight.  If you are going to the expense of purchasing a radar 
detector,  your should also be willing to go the small expense of having it 
installed with its own power source,  other than the cigarette lighter.

One more action you can take to help yourself is when purchasing a car, avoid 
the trendy accessory of heavily tinted side windows.  If your car already has 
those windows, it would be well worth the cost and effort to have them replaced
with the standard type.  Cops hate them.

Most of the cars that have these windows are models that also have electric 
power windows so you do have another alternative.  Before the cop exits his car,
roll ALL of your car's windows down, even if you are alone.   This lights up 
the inside of your car and reduces his anxiety.

The value of a CB radio comes, not from speaking but from listening.  When set 
at channel 19 you will have an early warning system that will give you a 
constantly updated location of virtually all the marked police cares in the 
area and for most of the marked cars too.  You will know where radar has been 
set up and where the patrols are limited.  You will know where a patrol has 
someone pulled over and where any accidents are.  It is not necessary to ask, 
other drivers volunteer the information.  Keep in mind this is just one more 
tool and not the answer to avoiding any and all tickets.

That is about all I can condense into a short, well its shorter that the book, 
form.  I suggest that if you believe in what I have said you should find the 
book listed at the beginning of this file and read it. 

There is also information on finding out when shift change is in your area and 
using that to your advantage.  And I am sure that I have missed a lot of 
subtle things in between the lines.  Read the book and also pass this file to 
another friend or base.  

Just get on my soap box I think speeding tickets are around for one reason.  
To give money to the local government and state.  I think the only people that 
should get tickets are ones that are reckless and drive 100 mph instead of a 
safer speed.

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