Obviously, your best bet is to be drug free at the time of the test.
I would recommend two months of drug abstinence before the drug test.
Drug retention periods are as follows:

Compound                       Approx. Retention
Amphetamines                   20-25 days
Barbituates                    10-14 days
Cocaine                        2-4 days
Ethyl Alcohol                  1-2 days
LSD                            20-40 days
Marijuana                      14-30 days
Methaqualone                   14-21 days
Opiates                        10-14 days
Phenocyclidine (PCP)           10-14 days

Note: Length of retention varies because of many factors, including body
weight, metabolism, body fat ratio, and the quantity and concentration
of the drug.

   Given the above information, you may find yourself in need of a way to
beat drug testing other than 2 months of abstinence.  First off, water
is your best friend.  Drink a LOT of it.  Secondly, purge your system.
Urinate as often as you can before the actual test.  The first urine
of the day contains the highest concentration of contaminant particles.
Some people can't "go" with someone watching.  The testers, to speed up
excretion, might encourage you to drink as much water as you can.  DO IT!
Thirdly, adjust your sleep cycle.  Getting up earlier will let you squeeze
in more trips to the bathroom before the test.  If necessary, stay up all
night and drink water.  Fourthly, use your glands.  A good sauna flushes
out impurities through sweat.  THC and other metabolites are retained
in fatty tissues.  Any exercise to reduce body fat may help you beat
the test.
   Intense watering does not hide the presence of any illicit substance.
You are aiming to dilute all traces to a level below the cutoff point
needed for a positive result.  This is mandatory, elementary defense.

The Consent Form:
   To protect themselves from lawsuits, testers will ask you to sign a
urinalysis consent form.  It will ask you to list the drugs you've taken
in the past week.  Cross out the word "week" and write in "month."  If
the supervisor screams at you, just tell him you read an article that
said an over-the-counter drug you took for the flu three weeks ago could
show up.  Now for the drugs.  For almost every illegal drug there is an
OTC drug that tests positive.  Here is a list of cross-reacting drugs that
you should list on the consent form:

Drug/Metabolite              Cross-Reactive
Amphetetamine                OTC cold medicines, such as Nyquil,
                             Vicks Nasal Spray, Sudafed, Neosynephren, etc.
Barbiturate                  Rarely prescribed compounds... you're hosed
Cannaboids                   Ibuprofen (Advil, Nuprin, Motrin, Mydol)
Cocaine                      Amoxicillin (unconfirmed)
Methaqualone                 None reported to date
Morphine                     Codeine (in any prescription form)
                             Poppy seeds
Doxylamine                   OTC antihistamines and sleeping pills
Phencyclidine (PCP)          Dextromethororphan (found in some
                             prescription cough medicines)
                             Diazepam (Valium)
LSD                          None reported to date

The Testing Procedure:

   Learn what test is being used.  There are three that are quite
common.  The EMIT, Abuscreen (RIA), and ToxiLab (TLC).  If you find out
that
they are doing Gas-Chromatography/Mass-Spectrometry (GC/MS), then you
are totally screwed.  The GC/MS is the chemical equivalent of finding
a needle in a haystack.  It finds EVERYTHING and is IMPOSSIBLE to cheat
on.  Fortunately, GC/MS is VERY expensive, and it is only used for
confirmation tests.  Don't worry about it.
   The EMIT test does NOT scan for LSD, RIA does.  If you use ethyl
alcohol or barbituates, RIA does not scan for them, but EMIT does.
Also, nothing currently scans for Ecstasy, Psylocybin, mescaline,
or nicotine.
   If you are in the military, you are going to be tested with RIA.
The majority of federal agencies screen with EMIT.  Private sector
companies split between EMIT and TLC.  No problem.... all are about
equally beatable.

Slight of Hand:

   Something like 5% of the public finds it impossible to urinate with
somebody nearby.  More find it difficult to void under direct observation.
It's a documented medical condition, known as "blushing kidneys."
Although a minority are afflicted, who is to say you're not one of them?
A doctor's note or plaintive insistence of "Please, I can't do it if you're
watching" will do wonders for insuring privacy.
   Be creative when you're in the bathroom.  Use your body to disrupt
line-of-sight observance.  Hand placement can conceal a lot of activity,
but block with anything else that's available.  Males might say they only
urinate sitting down.  Like a good magician, distract the observer.  Ask
them to run the faucet; say that the sound of running water coaxes your
own activity.  Practice, practice, practice!
   Observers, though they may not show it, are embarrassed as you are.
The longer you take to urinate, the longer the line behind you grows.
Apply enough pressure and they'll give you the latitude you need to
perform your little alchemy.
   Why all the contortion?  Because you want to make some subtle
substitutions, replacing your urine with clean stuff.

Warm and Dry:

   Assume a temperature reading will be taken from the specimen.  Don't
swap an ice-cold brew for tepid pee.  The standard temperature that
they're looking for is between 90.5 and 99.8 degrees Fahrenheit.
   Getting pure urine is the first step to making an effective
substitution.  Know your source.  A relative, a minister, an infant,
anyone that can be counted on for "clean" urine should be tapped.
The sample should be as fresh as possible.  If you need to keep it a few
days before the switcheroo, stick it in the refrigerator.  After a two
month period of drug abstinence, you can make your own samples galore
and freeze them indefinitely in plastic baggies until needed.
   WARNING!!  Do not substitute animal urine, or make urine from food
coloring and water.  They are easily detected.

Houdini in the Washroom:

   The substitute urine is clean and warm.  Now you need a device to
get it into the bathroom.  At a pharmacy, purchase a Bard Dispoz-a-Bag
Drainage Bag or other similar product made for temporary use by
ambulant patients.  Cost, under $4.00.  They come in different sizes.
In our trials, the large leg bag worked best because the extra volume
and shape allowed for a flatter distribution along the midsection where
you'll be wearing it.  It has a short tube and cap, but you can add a short
piece of rubber tubing and a valve for easy filling.

   When a test is imminent, fill and seal the bag with clean urine.
Squeeze all of the air out, seal, and put it on - remembering that
it can't withstand more than eighteen hours at room temperature.
So if the test doesn't go down, take the bag home and put it back in
the fridge or freezer.  You can repeat this as many times as needed.
   Here's the correct procedure for concealing the bag.  Pull down
your skirt or pants.  Secure the bag to your abdomen, exposing as much
of the latex to your skin as possible.  The more surface area taken up,
the flatter the bag will lie, and the better concealed it will be.
Using the abdomen, not the leg, will let gravity do its thing.  Tape
it in place.  If you don't want to tape it to your body, it might rest
easy if you wear panties or jockey shorts.  Women shouldn't push it inside
panty hose because when you take them off to pee, it'll fall out, unless
you cut a pee hole for the hose.  You can also purchase incontinence pants
for about ten dollars.  These give a firm fit, additional warmth, and
need no tape.  If you need, buy a spool of surgical tape.
   Now, snake the output tube from the bag to your crotch.  The tube
and the on/off cap should be within easy reach, but hidden from sight.
It should also feel comfortable - strange at first, but comfortable.
After a few hours, you'll forget about it.  When the time comes for you
to "urinate", discreetly reach into your clothing, locate and turn on
the release valve, or take off the cap.  The "clean" urine will empty
into the jar, apparently your own product.  When the bag is empty, or
you feel you have given enough, turn off the supply, zip up, shake your
read end, and smile.  A few drops on your shoe or the seat adds a measure
of authenticity.
   This method works well for two reasons.  First, urine observers are
on the outlook for bulk - glass jars, things concealed in pockets, and
so forth.  While someone will occasionally ask you to remove a coat,
frisks and strip searches are verboten.  And someone would have to get
awfully close to see the small hose at work.  Men standing with their
backs to the observers and women sitting with their skirts up are
shields enough.  The drainage bag is form-fitting, especially when
taped flat.  No one but you knows it's there.  Second, your
abdomen serves as a heating pad, radiating body warmth directly
to the sample.  In an hour the bag will be near enough to body
temperature.
   As good as the bag trick is, it may not be right for everyone.
A good variation.  Purchase a few reservoir-tipped condoms (non-
lubricated, please).  Fill one, pull a second over it (to prevent
bursts), and tape it as close to your crotch as possible.  When the
time comes to urinate, with a presharpened fingernail, puncture the
reservoir tip, and go with the flow.

   Women have an anatomical advantage, the option of inserting a
urine-filled condom within the vagina.  Again, use sharpened
fingernails or a concealed pin to get things flowing.  Even at extra-
close range, it's virtually impossible to tell the source of the yellow
stream.  These techniques should be tried and perfected at home.  Novices
should use water in their dry runs.

Dilution:

   Diluting urine in the specimen jar is invariably more effective than
diluting it in your bladder.  In fact, dilution was so rampant that
Edwin Meese ordered all federal toilets filled with blue dye before
a urinalysis.  The toilet was one source of dilution the urine cops
hadn't thought of earlier.
   If a surprise urinalysis is forced on you, don't panic.  You're in
luck if you're looking into clear water.  Dip the specimen cup and
fill half full of toilet water.  Dry the outside.  Fill the rest with
your own urine and shake.  Rub the jar with your hands to warm.
Presto, the sample should be dilute enough to fall below the cutoff
point.
   Complete privacy means opportunity galore.  Rinse and fill the
specimen jar with hot water to increase the temperature; then dump
it clean.  Never use scalding water, since that may put it outside
the acceptable temperature range and could even crack a thick,
cold container.  Don't be alarmed if you don't have a thermometer.
Your finger is a reliable dipstick.
   Although the Health and Human Services Administration insists
that toilets be dyed blue, low-level sources inside government
washrooms assure us that in most cases the dye is dumped only
in the bowl, leaving you fresh, clear water in the tank.  Avail
yourself of the porcelain oasis.  But be careful - removing the
tank-top makes a lot of noise.  And don't flush if you are ordered
not to.  the thin copper or plastic spout in the tank contains fresh
water.  Push down on the big float to activate the fresh-water spout.
Avail yourself.  Take that, Blue Water Meanies!
   If you're a moderate drug user, or your last use wasn't last night,
as little as one third cup of water can make all the difference between
negative and positive results.  Conceal water in your mouth, in a rubber
between your legs or under your arms.  Be resourceful.  Don't use spit!
Saliva contains some tell-tale metabolites.

Color Bias:

   Although the color of urine varies from person to person and hour
to hour (depending on diet, metabolism, etc., it is nearly always
yellow), there is an unconscious Enforcer bias that rich yellow urine
is the real thing.  Dilution diminishes the color, so it's
semi-important to compensate.  No problem.  Taking vitamin C capsules
will give your urine a darker shade of yellow.  When you then dilute it,
it will balance back to innocent mellow yellow.  The vitamins increase
the odor, which also compensates for the added water.

Chemical Additives:

   Three tablespoons of iodized salt dumped into the sample and
quickly stirred will deceive EMIT tests for ALL substances.  The
salt, and electrolyte, increases the conductivity of the specimen,
and makes it harder for the binding reagents to find their target
metabolites.  Just make sure all of the salt goes into solution.
There's nothing more incriminating than a small pile of insoluble
salt at the bottom of the jar.  One quarter cup of hydrogen peroxide
will also work, as will 3-4 tablespoons of concentrated ammonia or
chlorine bleach.


That about does it.  This information all came from the book
"Steal this Urine Test" by Abbie Hoffman.  I highly recommend this
book for further details.  While I provided the majority of the
"how to beat the test" type info, he goes into the legality of
drug testing, etc.  Best of luck beating the bladder cops!

                                                       <^> Rostaman <^>