========
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: Re: Need "100ways to make your pizza-service crazy"
From: ddaniel@mindport.net (Dani)
Date: Sat, 01 Feb 1997 11:21:35 GMT

nobody@REPLAY.COM (Anonymous) wrote:

>Hi! I need the "100 ways to make your pizza-service crazy" that was postes
>by somebody a couple weeks ago. Can anybody help?
>thanx,
>Per.
If you enjoy this joke and would like to see more like it, please
visit my 
joke archive at:

http://www.sccs.swarthmore.edu/~yang/jokes/joke.html


100 ZANY WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER


  1.  If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.  Ask
the
      person taking the order to stop doing that.

  2.  Make up a charge-card name.  Ask if they accept it.

  3.  Use CB lingo where applicable.

  4.  Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

  5.  Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
conversation."

  6.  Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line
and
      you're going with the lowest bidder.

  7.  Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang
up.

  8.  Answer their questions with questions.

  9.  In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about
nutrition
      and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

 10.  Use these bonus words in the conversation:  ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED
      COST-EFFICIENT  UKRAINIAN  PUCE.

 11.  Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

 12.  Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from
Metallica's
      "Master of Puppets" CD.

 13.  Do not name the toppings you want.  Rather, spell them out.

 14.  Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

 15.  Stutter on the letter "p."

 16.  Ask for a deal available somewhere else.  (e.g. If phoning
Domino's,
      ask for a Cheeser!  Cheeser!)

 17.  Ask what the order taker is wearing.

 18.  Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

 19.  Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they
      called you.

 20.  Rattle off your order with a determined air.  If they ask if you
      would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

 21.  Tell the order taker you're depressed.  Get him/her to cheer you
up.

 22.  Make a list of exotic cuisines.  Order them as toppings.

 23.  Change your accent every three seconds.

 24.  Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as
follows
      from an equation you are about to dictate.  Ask if they need
paper.

 25.  Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.  Say
"Bed-Wetters'
      Camp, right?"

 26.  Start your order with "I'd like. . . ".  A little later, slap
      yourself and say "No, I don't."

 27.  If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say
"OK.
      That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

 28.  Rent a pizza.

 29.  Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

 30.  Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.  When they say yes, heave
a
      sigh of relief.

 31.  Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni."  Use the
long "i"
      sound.

 32.  Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

 33.  Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)?  When they say yes, say
      "Well, so is this!  You've got some explaining to do!"  When
they
      finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to
      cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

 34.  Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you
speak.
      When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
scream
      goodbye at the top of your lungs.

 35.  Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact,
dead.

 36.  Imitate the order taker's voice.

 37.  Eliminate verbs from your speech.

 38.  When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh?  Oh, you mean
now."

 39.  Play a sitar in the background.

 40.  Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer
hid
      behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you
can
      surprise him/her.

 41.  Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country
music.

 42.  Ask to see a menu.

 43.  Quote Carl Sandberg.

 44.  Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call
back.

 45.  Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

 46.  Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

 47.  Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should
be
      ashamed.

 48.  Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

 49.  Shout "I'm through with men/women!  Send me a dozen of your
best,
      Gaston!"

 50.  Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say
"Where
      was I?  Who are you?"

 51.  Psychoanalyze the order taker.

 52.  Ask what their phone number is.  Hang up, call them, and ask
again.

 53.  Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

 54.  Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie.  Ask
that
      these be included in the pizza.

 55.  Call to complain about service.  Later, call to say you were
drunk
      and didn't mean it.

 56.  Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor
he's
      fired.

 57.  Report a petty theft to the order taker.

 58.  Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and
Mary
      in Tinsel Town."

 59.  Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

 60.  If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
      swayed by your sweet words."

 61.  Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

 62.  Try to talk while drinking something.

 63.  Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and. .
      . action!"

 64.  Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

 65.  Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

 66.  Be vague in your order.

 67.  When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more
OOMPH
      this time."

 68.  If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the
      order.

 69.  After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone
does."
      Simulate a cutoff.

 70.  Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying,
"This may
      be my last entry."

 71.  State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is
going
      to get.

 72.  Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza."  Make
up a
      description to go with the term.  Ask that this be done to your
      pizza.

 73.  Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone.  Ask if
they
      felt that.

 74.  Detect the order taker's psychic aura.  Use it to your
advantage.

 75.  When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another
pizza.

 76.  Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica.  Stop talking at
regular
      intervals to play it.

 77.  Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.  Suggest an even
trade.

 78.  Perfect a celebrity's voice.  Stress that you won't take any
crap
      from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

 79.  Put them on hold.

 80.  Teach the order taker a scret code.  Use the code on all
subsequent
      orders.

 81.  Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat."  When asked to repeat
that,
      say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

 82.  Make the first topping you order mushrooms.  Make the last thing
you
      say "No mushrooms, please."  Hang up before they have a chance
to
      respond.

 83.  When the order is repeated, change it slightly.  When it is
repeated
      again, change it again.  On the third time, say "You just don't
get
      it, do you?"

 84.  When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds
complicated.
      I hate math."

 85.  Haggle.

 86.  Order a one-inch pizza.

 87.  Order term life insurance.

 88.  When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find
out,
      won't we?"

 89.  Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

 90.  Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

 91.  While on the phone, fake entering puberty.  Fluctuate pitch
often;
      act embarrassed.

 92.  Engage in some serious swapping.

 93.  Dance all around the word "pizza."  Avoid saying it at all
costs.  If
      he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

 94.  Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
      background.  Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

 95.  If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing
you.

 96.  Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

 97.  Order a steamed pizza.

 98.  Get taker's name.  Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
is
      your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so."  Hang up.

 99.  Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

 If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100.
Say,
 in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."