From : Mike Quinn                                          18 Mar 96
 Subj : Spend Some Quality Time With Your Telemarketer                          
ÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄÄ

The recent series of postings on telemarketing should evoke a number
of imaginative responses to these calls.  Since they are apparently
unavoidable for the present (at least until Paul Begley et al can
eliminate them) why not have a little fun at their expense? Responses
which I have used with varying degrees of success and amusement
include:

a.  Advise that you are eating dinner (generally the case) and request
a number where you can call them back, because you really ARE
interested in chemical lawn treatment or whatever.  If they are stupid
enough to give you one, you can either: 1) when the next telemarketer
calls, ask them to call you right back at your other number in the
den, and give them the previous telemarketer's number, or 2) post the
number in a handy place such as a restroom at the bus station.

b.  Respond to personal questions with personal questions yourself
("and what about you, Mary -- how old are YOUR kids?"); try to engage
them in light repartee -- it can be hilarious to listen to them try to
wriggle out of talking.

c. Ask them if they use the product themselves,and if not, why not. Be
sure to use their first name a lot, too. ("What about you Ted -- do
you a have credit card from this bank, Ted?  Ted -- what about your
wife?" etc).

d. Tell them what a fascinating field telemarketing seems to be and
that you're considering a career change. Ask them how they like their
jobs, what their hours are, and how much they get paid.  Technical
questions of the sort that might come from TELECOM Digest readers are
good, too, such as what brand and model of headset they're using, what
kind of computer, etc.

e. Point out that since they have your home phone number that you'd
like to get theirs (area code first, of course); ask if they mind you
calling while they're asleep or eating.

f.  Ask them what city they're calling from, and then launch into a
long diatribe about what rotten winter it's been here in (your city).
If they try to change the subject, interrupt them.

g. Tell them you feel sorry for anyone who has to be working during a
civilized meal hour. Describe your own menu in detail, along with
preparation guidelines.  ("And Susan, are you still with me, Susan?
Susan -- it's important that you use fresh garlic and ground pepper in
the sauce at this point", etc).

h.  Ask for the name and telephone number of their supervisor as a
matter of course. If they ask why, tell them it's for government
records or something equally absurd.  Cite made-up federal statutes
that require that they provide you with this information.

i. Tell them that the conversation is being taped for their protection
and ask them to say their name several times slowly in succession.

j. And so on.


Most of these usually result in THEM hanging up on YOU, and meanwhile
your dinner IS getting cold, but the more of their time you waste, the
less profitable their venture becomes, and the more they may be
personally inclined to choose a job that doesn't entail pestering
people.


Cheers,

Mike Quinn