How To Effectively Alienate Everyone 
by Vicky Smith 
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People as a whole are obnoxious, intrusive, and altogether repugnant and
mildly scary. Large crowds are as inviting as death, and as demonstrated
in Sartre’s No Exit, hell is other people. There are those masochists
who define themselves as people persons; there are some sadists who
yearn to reach out to others, and then there are the healthy people who
endeavor to avoid others at all costs. It is they who will find the
secrets of people-repelling beneficial, and imaginably a masochist in a
bad mood or a sadist disgruntled by a lack of appreciation for their
efforts may also find such advice helpful.

The first step towards effectively alienating everyone is to define the
enemy and specify which circumstances one wishes to avoid. For example,
the stated enemy could be a multitude of nasty human types, such as
truly unnaturally happy and outgoing people, those afflicted with anal
retention or wielding self-righteousness in preparation for an
evangelical attack, those who chew with their mouths open,
intellectually challenged individuals who relate their confused feelings
with their fists, or, of course, everyone. Some persons opt to avoid
being maliciously trapped in conversation, others wish to abstain from
homo sapient feeding practices (not enjoying sitting in a circle
collectively smacking and chewing while maintaining meaningless
discourse), a few are repulsed by physical contact, and those who have
isolated the enemy as everyone generally tend to avoid all human contact
whatsoever. Since those indiscriminate people who hate everyone have a
broader oppurtunity to deflect humanity in several ways, the guideline
for alienation will be laid out from their perspective.

Time for introspection. Now, once the enemy has been defined (everyone)
and the decision has been made as to which inter-human discourses are to
be restricted (any and all), it is time to be introspective. One need
ask her/himself: why do people disgust me? Which specific attributes do
I find the most abhorrent? Which key elements of myself do I find to be
the most vulnerable to offensive human nature? The answers to these
questions are essential, for they are the tools with which one scares
off those aspiring to bother her or him.

Next, one needs to select those actions and personality traits that are
found repulsive by the widest range of humanity and incorporate them
into her/himself. A good example would be the repellant powers of a sour
or disgusting aroma. The quickest way to get others to leave one alone
is to throw personal hygiene to the wind. One should not shower- at all.
By weeding dental hygiene out of one’s daily schedule and intentionally
eating stringy, garlicy, or spiced food it can be made sure that one’s
breath is foul  and his/her teeth are mossy at all times. Deodorant
needs to be thrown in the trash with the laundry detergent and
hairbrush, and one should cease to wipe after using the bathroom. If one
is continually molested despite having reduced him/herself to such a
disgusting state, it should be made a habit to roll in the trash once or
twice daily, and the practice of flatulation should be increased. Those
who still persist in bothering someone in this destitute phase should
simply be shot.

Unfortunately, however, the deflecting power of a bad smell is so widely
felt that it generally extends to oneself. In this case, other measures
can be taken.

The bloated ego perspective. The other available options for scaring off
everyone can be loosely categorized into two types: the passive approach
and the forward approach. However, in preparation for either approach,
one needs to say to oneself: I am better than everyone else. Whether
it’s true or not, one needs to convince him/herself of it. It lessens
the guilt of the following actions, and arrogance and conceit have a
special way of pissing people off.

The passive approach.
The first endeavor in the passive approach of effectively alienating
everyone is to let go of all society’s norms for acceptable human
interactions. It is generally expected, for example, to respond to a hi!
or a request for the time. A person who truly wishes to be left alone
must undo this conditioning, and instead train themselves to run at such
moments. However, it must be made a point to make direct eye contact
with a person aspiring to trap one in conversation before fleeing; this
way that individual will know they have been heard them and will be less
likely to pursue. More likely than not it will also hurt their feelings;
when one is trying to avoid all human interaction, hurting someone’s
feelings is a good thing ( I am better than everyone.) Unfortunately,
though, if you hurt someone’s feelings too much they will probably
confront you to let you know how they feel, so one should take care to
only slightly bruise someone else’s ego.

The best way to run from someone and not really hurt their feelings, but
only sort of, is to fake insanity. There are several ways for one to
pretend they are insane and make him or herself repugnant to the general
at large at the same time. Faking turrets syndrome will do it every
time. Screaming a couple of random cuss words when another human
approaches, smacking oneself upside the head, and running as fast as one
can in the opposite direction will surely entice others to keep to
themselves. Despite the widely acknowledged effectiveness of faking
turrets syndrome among people-haters everywhere, many cannot find it in
themselves to manipulate such a sorrowful and debilitating disease. To
these the prolonged-duck-in-pain noise may be found to be a more
attractive alternative.

To demonstrate:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK UH UH UH
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOANKKKKK UH UH HOOOOOOOOOONKWUH
HOOOOOOOOOOOOONK!

One needs to sound out this noise (furthermore, practice it at home,
too) and emit it every time someone tries to interact with him or her
prior to running like hell to correctly implement the
prolonged-duck-in-pain noise for it’s intended use. Making this noise at
random, inopportune moments also succeeds in isolating oneself further.

Of course, some find it humiliating to impersonate wounded water fowl
and lack the wind to run so often as this aspect of the passive approach
requires. Once again, there are several other alternatives.

Never underestimate the power of surly scowl to wither a conversation.
In addition a level, unblinking stare and stubborn silence in response
to a greeting or inquiry enhances the warding power of a scowl; direct
eye contact is the quickest, but glaring at a chin or a forehead is also
advantageous. The key is to unsettle the annoyer until they retreat of
their own free will. Along the same line of this tactic is the wearing
of t-shirts with slogans such as I hate everyone or Die; generally these
are not sold in stores, but they can be easily and cheaply made.

Most people have a limit as to how many times they will repeat
themselves. Exceed this limit and they will probably give up. Respond to
any inquiry with a: What? If one redundantly asks what and communicates
through hand language that he or she can’t hear, patience will be taxed
and the subject and purpose will probably be dropped.

Beyond running, randomly cursing, making duck calls, glaring, wearing
mean t-shirts, and pretending to be deaf, one must resort to a more
forward approach in order to rid him or herself of people.

The forward approach. 
Honesty is the best policy. When one desires not to engage in
conversation, one can simply say: I don’t want to talk. When one wishes
not to hear someone else talking, he or she can easily say: Shut up.
When one finds a particular subject boring, recourse to an I don’t care.
can be made. Annoyed? Request the individual to go away. Most people
have been cushioned by tact all their lives, and accordingly find
complete honesty to be rude. Hopefully they will indignantly stalk away
and victory will be had.

Either that, or one could find him or herself slapped for implementing
the honesty policy. It is a gamble, so offer another tactic at repulsing
humanity will be offered.

Overdo it, overreact, be overly enthusiastic, and give someone what they
asked for but didn’t really want. Many people begin their intrusions
into someone’s personal space with such opening lines as Hi. How are
you? and What do you think about this weather, huh? One needs to learn
to hear these lines as the knock, knocking of opportunity. Look for
overly broad inquiries made with the obvious expectation of a one or two
word response and run with it. Go on and on and on, define and redefine
every minute detail; go off on random tangents and wild rants- one needs
to then make sure to fully explain every thought that led him or her to
that rant and/or tangent and back; gesticulate wildly so that the person
has to back up to avoid being pummeled; widen eyes to the size of saucer
plates and maintain an unblinking eyes contact; talk loudly and drag out
words; stand as close to the dumbfounded person as possible, and follow
him or her as they retreat. If one employs these actions into their
daily interactions with others, and then follows up by chasing them with
an overenthusiastic ten syllable HI!!!! every time he or she catches
sight of their new friend, it is basically guaranteed that an
individual’s people problems will be irreversibly solved.

Thus can one effectively alienate everyone through the process described
above. 

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LDC