GENERAL TELEMARKETER TORMENTING TECHNIQUES

Here's what I've started to say to a telemarketer who asks me if I would
like to save money: "I save my money by not spending it on telemarketing
sales calls. In fact, I save a whole lot of money that way!"

Start sounding mildly interested in what they're selling, but turn their
questions around and try to convert them. e.g.

TM: Are you happy with your long distance phone carrier?

You: Are you happy with the love of our Lord, Jesus Christ?

TM: Um, who is your long distance carrier, may I ask?

You: Who will take your soul when you pass over? The Lord Jesus or
Beelzebub?

Answer with monosyllabic replies as soon as you know they are a TM.
"Yes". "no" "dunno" and as they continue, start slipping in more and
more absurd replies. "Tuesday". "Dolly Parton". "Goldfish". Finally
start singing something like "I was born under a wandrin' star" and if
they haven't hung up yet, say nothing more, regardless of what they say.

"I really don't like doing business over the phone. If you send me
something, I'll review it and call you back if I'm interested. If you
call me again, I'm never going to be interested."

Here's a cool one for you...

(It helps to have a Russian name for this one)

TM: Hello Mr. GolDhYekker...

Me: (in thick Russian accent) What?

TM: Blah....

Me: Hold on... Vladimir don't kill him yet... wait for Misha... You were

saying

TM: Blah

Me: Hold on... Misha... Comrade... We were waiting for you... now we can

kill [presidents name here]

TM: Ummm... would you like me to call you back later...

Me: No... wait... Misha? What are you doing? No Misha put it down!
Nooooo

[make fake gunshot noises, drop phone and listen to telemarketer...

A friend of mine received a call from a young lady selling something my
friend was not interested in. While trying to be polite he kept telling
her he was not interested and she persisted. Finally he asked, " What
color panties are you wearing?" She responded indignantly with some
thing to the effect of that he was being disgusting. His response was,
"well, you kept talking to me about something I wasn't interested in, so
I figured that I'd talk to you about something I was interested in." The
call ended quickly.

TMs usually introduce themselves by first name only in order to
establish a friendly rapport with you ("Hi, my name is Bob and I'm
with..." At this point, I break in and say, "Roger? (any name other than
the name the telemarketer gave you) Is that you?" then follow an
approximation of the following script:

TM: No, ma'am. My name is Bob.

Me: Oh, come on, Roger, I'd know your voice anywhere...

TM: I'm not Roger, I'm Bob and I...

Me: Roger, you're not fooling anyone. How can I forget your voice? We
were married for fifteen years.

TM: We have a program which will save you...

Me: Roger, the kids really miss you. They want to know if Daddy still
loves them...

TM: Ma'am, once again, I am not Roger...

Me: You know, Roger, if you ever wanted to come back, Papa said he'd
forgive you and give you your old job back...

TM: I'm not...

Me: So, Roger, is it HER? Are you still with that horsefaced floozy you
left me for?

TM: I AM NOT ROGER!!!!

Me: AND I AM NOT INTERESTED!!!!!

TM: Hello, may I speak with Mrs. (Horribly mispronounced version of my
name)?

Me: (Out of breath) Yes? (giggle)

TM: Mrs. (HMVoMN), my name is (Bob) and I'm with Blankety-Blank Selling
Something Company...

Me: (Out of breath, maybe a little gleeful shriek) Could you hold on for
just a moment?

TM: Certainly....

(At this point, I put the phone down right next to my very squeaky bed.
Then I bounce up and down on the bed rhythmically for a couple of
minutes, punctuating the squeaking with groans, moans, shrieks, giggles
and the like. Then I end with something similar to the restaurant scene
in "When Harry Met Sally" ("Yes! yes!YES! YES! YESSSSSSS!!!") Then I
come back on the line, way out of breath. If they are still on line, I
ask them, between pants, what they want. If they still have enough sense
to respond, I cut them off in mid-sentence by cupping my hand loosley
over the phone, so they can still here me, say, in an excited voice
"Again?", giggle, ask them to hold a moment, and repeat the routine all
over again.....)

Since I have a small and very noisy child, when a TM calls, they'll
usually get the treat of hearing my ranbunctious toddler in the
background. First, I'll graciously let them start their routing, then
out of the blue, I'll let out a LOUD, BLOODCURDLING scream (better,
knock something big over, like a chair) , then yell "OH MY GOD!", then
hang up.

(Another one that's especially effective if you have a child providing
background noise) Let TM start hounding you, interrupt them periodically
to answer a small child's endless questions, or just be a parent....

TM: My name is Bob and I'm with XYZ Company. How are you today?
Me: Fine, I....Jimmy! Get your finger out of your nose!
TM: Ma'am, today we have a special offer...
Me: Noooo, baby! Don't eat it! Go get Mommy a Kleenex...
TM: Sounds like you have your hands full...
Me: Yes, he certainl - Jimmy! Not the toilet paper! Kleenex....
TM: We have a special...
Me: Jimmy, where are Mommy's earrings?
TM: We have a..
Me: You did what?
TM: offer today that will save you time and mo..
Me: You put them up your nose? Let me look...
TM: Mrs. So and So?
Me: Dammit, Jimmy, what have I told you about putting stuff up your nose?
TM: Mrs. So and So, would it be better if I...
Me: Now we're going to have to go to the doctor. Remember last time?
TM: Would it be better if I call back at another time?
Me: Here....blow real hard....
TM: Mrs. So and So?
Me: There you go! Guess we won't go to the doctor after all. I'm sorry, you were saying?
TM: (loses train of thought, if he hasn't hung up by now)....uh....we, uh..
Me: Jimmy, where's Mommy's spatula?..

If the telemarketer is an appointment setter type of person, tell them
"Sure! You can come by on the fourth Tuesday of next week", they'll get
all excited for a minute before their small brains figure out that there
is only going to be one Tuesday in the coming week, and hang up.

Jerry Seinfeld made this one famous....
"I'm sorry but I'm really busy right now. Why don't you give me YOUR
HOME number and I'll call you back later tonight...say
midnight...Hello?"

Listen long enough to hear what is being sold (for instance, a
subscription to the LA Times), then politely ask"Would you believe I (or
my spouse) work at the LA Times The LA times has thousands of employees
and the telemarketers are low-wage, part-time employees who have no way
to verify this.

We have a friend who is less tactful, who simply bellows, "Get a REAL
JOB!".

"Sorry, Mr. . . . If I can't eat it, I don't need it!"

When one of these misfit telemarketing people try to sell me a product,
I let them run through the whole spiel asking them to repeat many times
and I show distinct interest all the way through asking them to tell me
more about what they just told me. At the end when they say "What do you
think?" I ask them what color it comes in? They usually enthusiastically
let you know and I say, "well.....that's no good, I would love to have
one but it has to be metallic red!!!! (or any other obscure color you
know they won't have)" You re-enforce your interest but INSIST it must
be the obscure color they don't have. IT CAN and IS Fun...You get to a
point where you HOPE one will call you after a bad day at work as it can
give you a chuckle and cheer you up for the night.

Between 5:00 p.m. and 8:30 p.m., I will answer the phone in the sweetest
little 3-year-old girl's voice I can. When they ask to speak to "my
parent," I say "No!" really mean and hang up. Once I said that they
weren't there, and the caller asked me how old I was. I told her I was
3. She then started asking me lots of questions about being home alone.
So I told her that I had a babysitter. Then she asked to speak to the
baby sitter. It took me a minute to suppress my laughter and change my
voice. I won't use that one again. Since I have such an unusual first
name (Greysen and I am female), any telemarketer also tips his/her hand
when they call by asking for Greysen Fleming or Mr. Greysen Fleming. So
I tell them he's not home and they quickly hang up. When my husband
answers, he tells them I'm not home, unless he really wants to play with
their heads and make them do their entire speech, only for him to say
no.

(TM) "Hello, is Mr. or Mrs. so and so available?"... (you)"Yes, what
would you like to speak to them about?"...(TM)"We'd like to offer them
this very special offer for . . . etc."...(you)"Ok, but before you
continue . . . do you have a pencil"...(TM)"Yes . . .??"...(you)"Then
write this 5000 times: 'I promise never to call this number again!"
(then hang up).

Here's how one of my co-workers got rid of telemarketers; When asked for
his credit card number, he would say "OK" and then start giving them a
long string of digits, in no way related to a credit card number. A real
credit card number has 16 digits, I guess, but he would keep going way
past that, and the poor telemarketer kept recording the digits.

I just found your page and believe me - it is about time someone
vocalized a clear opinion against Telemarketers. Here's how I deal with
them: I let them get about 1/2 way through their sales pitch and ask
questions, pretend to be interested, express my true 'NEED' for their
product...then I switch modes and try to sell them something myself. It
doesn't matter what exactly - houseplants, books, heck..sell them your
cat! It really confuses them when you turn the tables on them - and if
you are particularly annoyed (and have the ability) - when they hang up
on your - call 'em back and continue like nothing happened!

My husband loves to mess with the telemarketer's heads by telling them
when they ask for me that I died in the last month or so and (in a
sobbing, sad voice) that he wished that people would stop calling and
asking for me since it brings back all the sad memories. It tends to
stop them cold.

"I'm very interested in your program. But before I commit to buy, I need
one more assurance. Can you guarantee me, in writing, that if I'm not
100% satisfied, you'll kill yourself?"
(shocked response from telemarketer)
"look, you're asking me to risk my hard-earned money on this, based on
your word alone, right? So I think you should stake your life on your
claims. If your product isn't everything you say it is, I want you to
kill yourself. Could you come out to my house and do it in front of me?"

(telemarketer blathers or hangs up. If he/she/it doesn't...)
"Well, I'm sorry, I don't see how we can do business. Goodbye."

*click*
A straight face is vital!

I like to make telemarketers embarrassed by acting like, or really
taking a crap, and making grunting and straining sounds. It also helps
to have a phone near the toilet, or a cordless phone. Do some gruntin'
and poopin when they're spewing their trash and drop big wet gobs of
toilet paper into the commode. Let out a big sigh like you gave birth to
a big poop log. If that doesn't get rid of them, Yell out 'Where the
hell is the toilet paper!' and then flush and yell about the toilet
overflowing all over the floor. Don't hang up yet! Tell them to hold for
a minute (make that 30 minutes).

Just the other day, one called and I let them spew their crap, and I
said with a big enthusiastic 'You're never going to believe this, Guess
what?' they reply 'what!?' I said 'This is
unbelievable!..............I'm gonna hang up on you!!!!' *click*
Needless to say they never called me back.

After their pitch, fake a call on the other line; Come back to them in
about 20 seconds and tell them "Another telemarketer is selling the same
thing on the other line!" continue with.. "I'll tell you what....
whomever can give me the best deal will get my business." If they
actually go for it, you might even get a good deal!

If you have the time, *NEVER* just hang up on a telemarketer. Because as
soon as you hang up, their little computer dials the next number on the
list and someone else gets bothered. Act like you are really listening
to them, and occasionally give them an 'uh-huh'. Most of the time they
can ramble on for several minutes before they even need feedback from
you, so you can just set the phone down and let them do their thing.
WASTE AS MUCH OF THEIR TIME AS YOU CAN!

Something my husband did once. Mind you he's 30 years old and has a
pretty deep voice. Someone called the house trying to sell something, he
let them talk for a few seconds, then interrupted with something along
the lines of "...oh I think you need to talk to my mom - she's not here
right now" and they fell for it!

A friend has instructed his son to answer the phone with "Friend, family
or Telemarketer?". Friends and family generally laugh while
telemarketers generally become confused, sputter something and hang up.

When someone who is obviously a telemarketer calls and asks to speak to
the man of the house, I cheerfully say "No, you may not." After happily
refusing to let them speak to the man of the house, if they try to talk
to me instead, I tell them that they may not speak to me either. And
then I stop responding. The telemarketer generally then hangs up in
confusion and/or frustration. -Bridget

My new tactic for keeping my phone number private and confusing those
who have no business finding me is this: Every time I am asked for a
phone number I cheerfully give it. But it's not my number. And every
month or so I pick a new number (and memorize it for this purpose). I
choose business phone numbers, the kind of place that doesn't take
kindly to telemarketer's calls and will sometimes threaten legal action
against the hapless telemarketer who calls expecting to reach a
residential phone. With any luck, the bad information will get into lots
of databases. tee-hee ...

I once got a call from a person asking if I had a security system under
the guise that their company could make me a really good deal on one. I
wonder how many people answer a question like this without even
considering the consequences?. After this telemarketer hungup (and after
I had refused to answer any of his questions), it occurred to me that I
should contact the police about this. As it turned out, it was a
'legitimate' local outfit but imagine how easily this could have been
just anybody preying upon unsuspecting victims.

My wife and I have one planned out for the next call... I'll answer the
phone and listen to the telemarketers script, and right in the middle,
I'll cue her to scream "Hey, are you gonna **** me or play around on the
phone?"... After which, I'll get even more interested into what the
telemarketer is telling me and tell her to wait because the deal on the
phone is too good to pass up. Meanwhile , I'll yell "Hey, pull my pants
back up!".... I'll see how long I can keep the telemarketer on!

Person answers and here comes the sales pitch.....Tell them "I'm glad
you called... you know the other night I got this most annoying phone
call you wouldn't believe.." (SALES PERSON GETS INTERESTED AND ASK WHAT
WAS THAT)....YOUR REPLY... "It was a person from your company I HUNG UP
ON... and I wouldn't want to treat you any different!"

I pretend to be a person, just fresh off the boat, who can not speak
much English. when the person ask for me, I say, Mr. so an so is
working, flying or just about any excuse to be away from the phone. then
they ask for Mrs. so and so, which I reply, oh she with her boyfriend or
girlfriend, then I start asking them if they want there house clean or
so on, it is a lot of fun

Here's a mean - but effective - technique: Wait for them to finish their
opening spiel, feign interest, etc. Then when it's your turn to talk say
in the most contemptuous voice you muster: "Excuse me, but this is what
you wanted to do when you grew up?"

I was at my parents house one evening and the phone rang. Someone was
calling for a survey and asked for an adult male. I held the phone a
short way from my mouth and yelled, "Is there a male in the house?"
After a short while, I said that no one responded. She told me that I
sounded like I would do, all that was required was a male over 12 years
old that lives in the house. I said that I didn't really live in the
house. When she asked the first question, I responded with: "I just
heard something outside. Uh... Uh... I am just robbing this house. I
really have to be going lady. I think the owners just got home."

Interrupt their sales pitch "Sure I'd be interested in the rest of your
sales pitch, only if you listen to me sing first....".. Give them a 20
minute rendition of Jimmy Cracked Corn, or hum the complete music to
InnaGaddaDaVida.

T.M. "Hello, is Mr. Smith (one of the other residents, not me) there?"
Me "Um, no."
T.M. "Well, is Mrs. Smith there?"
Me (in a deep voice) "Speaking..."

TM: Hello, is Mr. X home?
Me: Yes, this is Mr. X.
TM: How are you doing this evening?
Me: I'm doing just great as long as you're not low-life telemarketing scum...

Answer the phone and listen attentively for a minute or so. Then say
"Hang on a just a second" and make a sound like 3 or 4 rounds from a
handgun. Then say "Weren't nuthin, just a rat. Go ahead."

TM: Are you the man of the house?
ME: No! But he's supposed to be back any minute and I've gotta get the
hell out of here!

Whether it be a man or a woman who is calling all I say is, "What are
you wearing? I'm not wearing anything right now."

If I want to have fun, I press the "SPEAKER" button on the squawk box
and address OUT OF AREA calls from the other side of the room, shouting
like Joseph Ignatowski. I usually act stupid, naive, and VERY interested
in what they have to sell, asking many product related questions, such
as, "Do you also sell Capons in addition to Beef?" I keep them on the
call for at least 5 minutes, then abruptly say, "I think I just went in
my pants" and hang up.

"That sounds great, but ever since the last unfortunate incident with a
telemarketer, I've got to check in with my parole officer before I can
agree. Can you leave your number?" He swears both methods work and
repeat calls are non-existent.

I keep a loaded air horn (the type they us on boats and at sporting
events, you can buy them at any marine supply or sporting goods store)
and when the poor fool calls, I ask them to hold on for a second...then
I blast them!

This one is great if you can pull it off, it helps a lot if you have
some standard responses to the different telemarketers, i.e. house
siding we just had aluminum siding put on, etc, the part that really
confuses them to no end is when you take those standard responses and
mix up the telemarketers that you give them to. i.e Central air
cleaners, 'no I already gave to the Fraternal Order of Police' or 'nope
you cant help me I already had my cabinets refaced last week." this
tends to get you hung up on rather quickly.

I find it easiest to hang up on them while I'm talking. (Nobody hangs up
on themselves!)

Telemarketer Tormenting Techniques from a Priest!

I am a Catholic priest. I won't identify who I am for confidentiality
reasons but I get lots of calls (since my name is listed in the phone
book) for a Mrs. -----------. I know right away its a telephone
solicitor because everyone who knows me, knows that priests are not
married. So I tell them to please hold. I put them on hold. I come back:
Are you still holding? Yes they hold. I put them on hold. Usually
they'll hang up and call back and get really mad. I say, "You were put
on hold, right?" "Yes," they reply. "So am I," until the Pope says that
we can marry, "I'm holding for Mrs. --------- too!." They usually get
all bent out of shape and share some very naughty 4 letter words. Sears
never called me back after they did this to me twice."

I get lots of calls at the church (I am a priest) from people who say
"May I speak to the person in charge of your companies long distance
communication?" So I put them on hold, pull out the National Catholic
Directory and go to page 1. I then ask them if they have a pen. They say
yes. Then I say: ok call this person:His Holiness, Pope John Paul
II.....The Vatican.....The Vatican City, Rome....Telephone #:

Then they say: The Pope??? I then reply: "Well he is the HEAD of our
organization and if anyone is in charge of long distance communications
(e.g. God-Pope) its him." Then I hang up. They usually don't call back.

If my wife answers with them looking for me, my wife tells them, "well,
you're lucky that I answered. He gets really rude to telemarketers." and
I'll start screaming in the background "IS THAT ONE OF THOSE @#$%$@#%
PHONE $#%#$% AGAIN???" My wife will say, "OhUH, here he comes...".
They're long gone by the time I get to the phone.

After you have told in very clear terms you don't want their product and
they still persist ask them this "WHAT PART OF THIS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND
IS IT THE "N"OR THE "O""then just hang up!

Almost every telemarketer has a cute headset with a volume control knob.
When the telemarketer calls, just keep talking quieter and quieter.
After he/she asks you to speak up a few times, don't. The telemarketer
will get frustrated and TURN UP THE VOLUME! After the person starts to
get real frustrated yell "ACTUALLY I NEED A NEW PHONE!" He/she will hang
up for sure...

Once you know who they are and what they're selling say "Great, can I
buy (substantial quantities)? Also do you think they can be shipped out
ASAP, like, before my (our) bankruptcy hearing the day after tomorrow? I
probably won't be able to pay for them, but hey, you can trust me for
the money can't cha?"

Fun to do in the Midwest/Southeast in spring:

Act interested for awhile, then suddenly act as if looking out the
window, scream "OH MI GAWD! Hun, gotta go...there's a twister headed
right for the house and--" and then knock all manner of stuff about as
if you suddenly had to drop the phone. Works better if phone is placed
by an air conditioner whilst stuff is knocked about for effect. Works
even better if second party is there to scream at the door "Aw hell
honey, we gotta get to the storm cellar NOW! It's headed right for the
house!"

Variation on the foreigner on the phone...if you can fake a decent
Arabic or Indian accent, ask them repeatedly "Would you be liking dot in
lorge, extra lorge? How many?". If you can do a Chinese or Korean
accent, make out like "Ya..whan kim chi? Wan ohda kim chi...no wan kim
chi...two orda kim chi..." till they get frustrated and hang up. You get
the general idea.

For extra points, if you can speak another language well enough to fake
it out--especially anything like Swahili or Korean or Lakota or really
anything other than French, German or Spanish--berate them incessantly
in the other language. Call them unspeakable terms if you know how. Just
make them have a complete and utter nervous breakdown as they try to
deal with the "foreigner" on the phone and they rush to find someone who
can speak the language. This works especially well with obscure or
"aboriginal" languages--just WATCH them try to find someone proficient
in Cree or Amharic. :)=

For even more points, if you remember Latin or Hebrew well enough from
religious school, speak to them entirely in those languages. There is
more chance you'll find someone who speaks it too, but it's fun tying up
the phone lines till they do. (Biblical scholars--extra points for Greek
or Aramaic.) Egyptologists or Goths may try speaking in Egyptian,
Wiccans entirely in Gaelic...the goal here is to drive them neurotic
finding someone to translate. :)

Tell them that you must check all purchases with "Binky". Binky being
your friend the sock puppet.

Answer the phone and communicate entirely in meowing or barking. Purr
alot. Occasionally hack up furballs. This pisses off telemarketers
*royally*. (Yet another variation on the wolf-child/kitty on the phone
scenario)

When they ask if you want to buy something, explain in a very patient
and serious voice that you can't touch any of the funds you have as they
are all held in a trust fund for your dead mother's cat. Then tell them
you have to ask Fluffy before you can make the purr-chase.

TM: How are you today?....... You: "Things went real badly at work
today. I got a pink slip and I will soon be unemployed. What's worse, on
the way home I got a speeding ticket and I'm going to be in court. And
when I got home I found a "Dear John" letter from my wife and she's left
me. To cap it off my welfare check did not arrive and my ice box is
empty and I don't know what I'll eat tonight. I spent my last dollar on
the lottery and if I don't win I'm dead. Other than those troubles,
everything is OK. How are things with you?"

My latest technique is to let the person speak for about 15 seconds and
the ask, " Are you really proud of what you do? Why don't you get a job
that actually benefits society and makes people respect you instead of
despise you?

If you get a call offering a money back guarantee if not satisfied, tell
them you'll try it and that you'll pay for it when you decide your
satisfied.

When they call and say "Mrs. M, how are you this evening?", I reply "I'm
fine, so nice of you to call and ask" and then hang up.

I'll ask the caller to call me back when I'm not home. Since they are
not really listening to me, they always say ok. They are usually too
embarrassed to call back once they realize what they agreed to.

Most telemarketing calls come in with an annoying delay of a few
seconds. You answer "hello?" and it takes a bit for the computer to
click over to the operator. I always answer their first question as
"Yes, I'm interested, but I'll have to delay further answers as your
first answer was delayed". After their second question, begin
counting...1...2...3...4, for about however long the click-over delay
was. Then answer. They always seem to speed up their questions, but hold
fast and be clock-like. They eventually can't stand it and hang up in
frustration.

TM - Hello Mr....Blah Blah Blah
YOU - Can you do me a favor? (sound sincere)
TM - Uh HUH?
YOU - Tell me if this sounds like a telephone hanging up?
*click*

My favorite ploy is to let them get into their pitch then ask if I could
ask some questions. Then I go into my survey (any group of questions
will do). Some suggestions for surveys can be found in magazines,
(Cosmo, Good Housekeeping, or any self help thing). If I can't find a
survey in some magazine I will make up my own. "If you were a tree what
kind of tree would you be?" "Can you name the flavors in Ben & Jerry's
graveyard?" "Do you feel the quality effort will improve your work
environment?

My roommate and I like to tell telemarketers that the person they are
calling for has abused their phone privileges and is on restriction.

When a telemarketer is selling something, I listen to see what they are
selling. Then I tell them I am on Social Security Disability and ask
them if they think the government would be willing to pay for it? This
generally makes them "sputter" and say "no".

When the telemarketer asks for someone..say there are (some funny made
up word) at the moment. They might asked what that is make up some
stupid definition. gets some funny reactions

I like to say they are bopped, being pasteurized, or in the process of
being erased..you know rubbed out...sleeping with the fishes?

Groan and mumble psychotically while the TM does their sell. If they ask
whether they should stop, be clear: "Hell no! The last time someone
tried to hang up on me... Well, I don't want to talk about it, but I'm
still on parole for that."

Occasionally interrupt to ask, "Did you hear that?" in a rather
distressed voice. When the TM says "No," reply (in your most pathetic
and mournful voice) "Ohhhh." After about three repetitions of this,
replace "Ohhhh" with "Why are you doing this to me?! Why do you lie to
me?!" If the TM offers at this point to go away, see the advice I gave
in the previous paragraph.

I've noticed that telemarketers invariably mispronounce my name (and I
have an easy name to pronounce!).

My response is to review elementary school phonics with the poor
telemarketer. "Now, how would you pronounce my name if you sound it out
carefully?" Usually I have to prompt them more explicitly: "If you have
a vowel before a single consonant, and vowel after that consonant,
shouldn't that first vowel be a looooonnnnnng vowel?" Most
telemarketdroids can only tolerate this for a brief time and just hang
up, but I was able to bring one woman to tears (her grade school
experiences must have been too traumatic for her to remember).

Here is a techniqe that I find fun.
T.M:Is Mr X there?
me: yes, can you hold a minuet?
(getting a moose horn ready )
Me: back
T.M:blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah\
Me: that sounds great but....
T.M:but what?
Me: (blow moose horn into phone, that ticks them off with those ear phones)
T.M: *click*

I do a fair impersonation of Eddie Murphy, and when I get a TM on the
line, I usually say something like, "Wha'?! Is dis a mudda-f****n'
TELEMARKETER? Wheah you at? Good! Lemme get mah hemmet an' mah
so-da-ma-pads an' be right on down theah to kick yo' lame li'l
chicken-s**t..." and they're usually gone about then...

As soon as the telemarketer opens his/her mouth, I say "I'm sorry, but
can I switch your call to my other line?" Of course, they always say ok.
Then I say (in a very polite voice) "Will you please hold for two
seconds? Of course, they always say ok. Then I give them what I fondly
call "the over-the-shoulder routine." That is when you swiftly and with
great force - slam the phone and hang up. Works every time...

Say this line can't receive incoming calls. Ask for their name and phone
number and say I'll call back on my special "outgoing calls" telephone
line. Tell them to make sure they stay off their line so I can get
through, because I am VERY interested. Then, of course, just don't call
back...

Even better is to call right back and tell the person they are stupid
for believing that you could not get incoming calls on a line that
actually connected to me.

Or, call back, but say you have another call on your "incoming line".

Ask them to hold, and then give them "the over-the-shoulder routine."

This one's a standard shtick, but kind of surreal. My roommate answered
the phone while I was across the room, and it became clear to me that he
was talking to a telemarketer. On impulse I bellowed "TELL THEM NO,
EZEKIEL!" in this deep baritone voice. The telemarketer stammered and
hung up, and we busted a gut laughing. I guess they thought they'd
dialed in to some Amish house or something.

TM: How are you today?

Me: (In a sincere but slightly annoyed and sickly tone) Actually I'm
having a problem - and maybe you can help. I'm very ill and need a lot
of bed rest, but I can't sleep for more than 20 minutes when I get
another call from a telemarketer. It's driving me crazy. Is there
anything you can do?

Waste some of their time, by letting them start their spiel. Then when
you get bored, press and hold one of the push buttons on your phone for
as 20 seconds or so. It should be pretty loud on their end. (Note that
this won't work on all phones - some phones only produce a short tone)

When I hear the click and I'm at my computer (when it is on the same
line the call was one) in the terminal package I type ATA . This causes
the modem to send a carrier as if it were answering a call from another
modem. Most telemarketers seem to think they have reached a fax machine
(since, at least when I last did this, most didn't know what a modem
was) and mark the number as such...after they get rid of the ringing in
their ears, that is.

Ask them if they think my time is valuable. The usual polite response is
yes. Then I say, you are right my time is valuable and I charge $75 per
minute to listen to sales pitches at this telephone number. Please give
me your address so that I may send you the bill. Your time starts now.
If the telemarketer cannot approve this billing then let me speak to
your supervisor.

A favorite strategy of mine is to let the TM go through the portion of
the spiel that is on complete auto-pilot and needs no feedback from you.
This is almost always a set script. I then respond, "That sounds kinda
interesting, but one thing . . ."

"Yes?"
"If you want to sell me something, speak to me instead of reading to me."
This is usally followed by a short pause, then a very heavy sigh as they
contemplate their pathetic existence. The best part, though, is to
listen to them try to come up with a way to return to the sale! How do
you come back after something like that?

ME: Hello?

[long pause, click]>>>(dead giveaway this is a telemarketer)

TM: Yes is Kevin W. There?

ME: Yes he is......may I have your Billing address?

TM: Billing address?

ME: Yes this is a computer consulting line. We charge $5.00 a minute for
computer phone consultation.

TM: oh ( wondering if he/she is in trouble with the boss ) I'm sorry...
nevermind.

ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGE:

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub. Their
carpets are always clean. They give to charity through their office and
do not need any pictures taken. They believe the stock market is a
random crapshoot, and the entire insurance industry is one huge scam
perpetrated by Mafioso accountants." "If you're still with me, leave
your name and number and they will get back to you."

TM: Hello, is (HORRIBLY mangled version of my name said over the phone
by the telemarketer)

Me: No sorry, there is no person by that name.

TM: Are you sure there isn't a (Again, the horribly mangled version of
my name)

Me: No sorry, there is no such person here. Perhaps you have a wrong
number?

TM: Sorry to bother you.

Me: No problem, oh and if you would of pronounced my name right, maybe I
would of answered! So sorry you're semi-literate!

From time to time, if I get a call during the day when many people are
at work, I answer the phone with a cautious sounding "hello?"

TM: This is Dick Assman calling from the bla bla bla

Me: How did you get this number?

TM: reply varies with TM

Me and friends: (with phone slightly cupped) Friend in back: Is it
traced?

Me: Ma'am/sir what business is this?

TM: Bla Bla bla

Me: We are interested....could you give me an address to send the check
to please?

TM: 1231 po box 732589 etc etc

Me: ok...

friends in back: team is dispatched...how do we keep it off of the news

Me: We own the news

friend in back: there are alot of bodies in a place like a telemarketing
house

me: then we do it like the gov't trained us to and do it quiet like.

friend in back: bombs?

Me to TM: ma'am dp you accept packages?

TM: click When you ask them who they are (usually when the person
they're calling for isn't there, like a parent or a roommate) and they
say "this is just a courtesy call", tell them "Then please have the
courtesy to not call back- thank you." with emphasis on the word
"courtesy". I used this once and the girl said "Bye!" in a really snotty
matter (much the same way in which you'll see someone say "as if!").
They didn't call back, though.

Get a music box and say that you've just been released from the mental
hospital and wind it up and keep it close to the phone. When it slows
down keep winding it back up. They truly will think you are whacko and
hang up.

When I'm at my parents house and answer a telemarketer call, they ask
for mister so and so. Being that I have 3 other brothers and a father
who could be considered as a mister so and so. I talk to them for a
minute or so then tell them they need the other mister so and so, hand
it off to one of my brothers, who in turn hands it off to another Mr..
so and so. They never make it to my dad. Cable Modem

CABLE MODEM SERVICE

Surveys

SURVEYS

I had some tobacco company call me "to ask a few questions.." I said
Sure! .... She went on to ask what type of cigarettes I smoked, I told
her I roll my own. Laughingly, she asked what kind I purchased at the
store..I told her The"M"brand. How many packs do you smoke in a day? "I
gotta say at least 5, I'm a smokin' fiend, It's been that way since I
was 7 or so, Me and my pop out at the bar slammin some brewskys... you
know 'Male bonding'... "She asked "If your brand were unavailable at the
store, what other brand would you purchase?" My reply.."Other brand
nothin! I'd choke the hell outta the clerk and threaten his life if he
didn't cough up my brand!"

Whenever I get a call regarding a survey -- anything to what TV shows I
watch to who I'll be voting for -- I first ask, "how much are you going
to pay me for participating in your survey?"

After this, there's usually a long pause on the other end, then usually
the answer, "we don't pay you for this."

My response, "You're getting paid to ask me the questions. Don't think
for a minute that I'll sit here without pay answering your questions."


Credit Card


CREDIT CARDS

Mary said she got a call from one of those annoying telemarketers saying
she'd been selected for a Diamond Visa Card. Mary interrupted the sales
pitch to ask what the interest rate was. "Only 29%!" Mary replied that
seemed a little steep, soooo, by chance, did they have any "Cubic
Zirconium Visa Cards" instead? The best part was the little pinhead
clerk put Mary on hold to go check with her supervisor.

When I get calls from TM's selling credit cards (pre-approved! no annual
fee!) I tell them I have ideological convictions that prevent me from
using

credit cards. For example:

"I'm a Marxist. A credit card would allow me to accumulate capital and
thereby oppress my fellow proletariat. You, my fellow worker, are just a
tool of the bourgeoisie. You have been alienated from your labor, and
there are capitalists in line to sleep with your wife. Unionize!
Revolt!"

"I'm an empiricist. I don't believe in things I can't see, taste, or
touch. Electronic transfers of 'money' frighten me. I'm not even sure
I'm talking to you."

Me: Does your company charge interest?

TM: Yes, a low rate of only XX%.

Me: You have been forbidden by the LORD your GOD to charge your brother
interest. Read your Bible! Repent, child of Satan, lest it is too late!
On your knees! Pray with me!

"Is it an EVIL credit card? Muh ha hah hah hah!" (a la Mike Myers)

"Your credit cards are made of plastic, aren't they? Do you know what
percentage of landfills is taken up by expired and cut-up credit cards?
Not to mention the millions of trees that are cut down each year to
print credit card statements. The Earth Mother is crying. She weeps, and
it is all your company's fault."

I got a call once trying to sign me up for a credit card. I kept them on
the phone until the lady suggested that I get one for my wife. I replied
"Heck no she spends like a senator". I then began an argument with a
non-existent wife. Basically the telemarketer hear something like. Yes
I'm talking about you. No I am not getting a card for her. We've already
been over this. Look at least I had the dignity to take the baby-sitter
to a motel, but no you had to do the pool guy in our own bedroom. And
then there was the lawn guy."

If it's a brassy women asking for my wife, I tell her that my wife is
not permitted to talk to strangers. They usually get real indignant.

Surrealist Anti-Telemarketing The other day I received a call from a
credit card company. The paraphrased text of the conversation follows:

TM: Hello, is Mr. Messersmith home this evening?
Me: This is Mr. Messersmith.
TM: Hello, this is Credit Card company X sir, how are you this evening?
Me: Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment.
TM (after a rather long pause): Oh, is that bad?
Me: I think I'm getting over it. My wife just reassured me that I do, indeed, exist, so I think I'll be alright as long as I don't see anymore cockroaches.
TM (very unsure of himself): That's good.

I find it useful to think about what Salvador Dali would say to a
telemarketer. I look at it as a form of artistic expression on my part.

(them) Hello, would you like a No-risk credit card... blah blah blah....
(you -make sure the telemarketer doesn't interrupt you when you say
this) Well, no. But my pet parrot would sure like one, He wants to fly
to Jamaica for a month this Winter and it's a little hard for him to
carry a lot of cash. His name is Polly, You can send it to this address.
He will be expecting it this week, Thank You! *click*

I was home sick one evening when my credit card company called to try
and sell me something. I listened to their pitch and as soon as I was
able to interrupt, did so in a very weak voice saying "Thank you, that
sounds very interesting. But I'm about to go throw up now." She
apologized profusely and hung up very quickly.

Here's a great way to " put the shoe on the other foot!" When a
"courtesy caller" calls to tell you that you're preapproved to receive a
new credit card, tell them, "Great! . . . send the card right away."
Then they always ask to get more info. from you. Butt in and say that
you don't need to give them any more info. because you're already
preapproved. The telemarketer doesn't comprehend what you're trying to
tell them and they end up getting so frustrated trying to get more info.
from you. just keep insisting that you don't need to give them any more
info. since you're already "preapproved!"

I got called 2 days in a row by GM MasterCard about their card with
rebates on GM cars & trucks. Part way through their speech, I
interrupted them, and using the best Texas-like sounds I could
proclaimed "My daddy grew me up a Ford boy, and I only buy Fords! So
kiss my Ford ass!" Both times, dead silence followed by a click of them
hanging up.

TM: would you like to buy blah blah something gold at incredibly low
APR?you: really? I can do that? even though I've been out of a job for
the last year and am on welfare with 4 kids and a sick wife/husband and
I just filed for bankruptcy? Send me 8!

I Had one call me from a credit card company (I have their credit card)
and told me I'd be happy to know that if I ever became disable or out of
work all my bills would be paid for me. I said "Great, I'm disable and
out of work now." She immediately hung up on me.

Most telemarketers trying to get you to take a card get bonuses for
doing balance transfers. When one calls you, ask if you can do balance
transfers. When they say, "sure!" say "hold on, let me get my other
cards" Then lay the phone down and go back to what you were doing.
They'll hold on the line for quite a while hoping to get a nice BT
bonus.

I am a college student from a small town. I don't exactly have alot of
money so naturally I can't afford having a credit card. So one day I get
this call to my dorm room of all places and the conversation went
something as follows.

TM: (in strong southern accent like all TM's) Hi I'm so and so from
Citibank visa blah blah do you want a credit card?

ME: No

TM: Can I ask why?

ME: (pissed)why? why? I'll tell you why, I am a college student. You
know damn well that college kids are the poorest people on earth so why
sell me a credit card?

TM: well

Me: (cutting her off) I am not buying a damn credit card and even if I
did would probably max it out and then not be able to afford college and
get stuck in a dead end job telemarketing JUST LIKE YOU.

TM: well you don't have to take this out on me, what did I ever do to
you?

ME: and another thing, you must have a serious ethical problem if you
are trying to make college kids poor so they can't afford college
anymore and I think you should look into this problem.

TM: I think you have an ethical problem why do you have to take this out
on me?

Me: Shut up I don't like don't like telemarketers that's why so don't
call here anymore. (CLICK!!!)


The dead end job thing really seems to hit a personal nerve and I even
made the telemarketer start crying.

I have used this one repeatedly on Credit Card companies. I usually let
them do their whole speech, when the get to cash advances or BT's, I ask
them to send me the cash advance in all quarters because I like watching
the mailman deliver it. I will insist this over & over again till the
rep hangs up. if this doesn't work I ask for a supervisor or tell them
they don't offer very good customer service.

Whatever they're calling to sell you, claim that, for whatever reason,
some circumstance in your life renders you completely incapable of using
their product. For example, in response to a credit card offer, say,
"Oh, well, I'm fatally allergic to plastic. It makes me break out in a
rash and then blow up like a ballon. I have to carry hypodermic needles
with me everywhere I go in case I come in contact with it."





INSURANCE

If an insurance company calls trying to sell you insurance, act very
surprised and delighted. Say, "You want to sell me insurance? I've been
trying to get insurance for YEARS but nobody will sell me any!"

One called trying to sell me accidental death and dismemberment
insurance. I said "oh my god that's awful, is something going to happen
to me?" After she got me calmed down, I asked if my dogs could be
beneficiaries. After consulting with someone else I was told no. I then
said "Well who's going to look after my dogs if I die?" She didn't know
and she hung up.





NEWSPAPERS AND MAGAZINES

Me: Hello

TM: Hi, I'm from the blah blah daily paper with a blah blah deal....

Me... The Blah Blah paper?? I already get that one!! You haven't
discontinued me have you?? I know I didn't tip the paperboy but sheesh..

TM: No Ma'am, we were just checking on your service!

I just wanted to share some of the ways I get rid of telemarketers. The
first thing I did that I was proud of was when I magazine company called
me and said I could get like 20 magazines a month for like $0.60 a
month. Anyway the guy basically told me they were going to send the
magazines and they didn't want it to be a surprise. I interrupted him by
simply saying "I would prefer not receiving them." He did the typical
telemarketer thing of using his rebuttals and asked "Why not, would you
prefer other magazines," so I said "well I am moving to France in 2
weeks and I don't think you want to pay the shipping and handling
charges to send the magazines to me." He actually talked to his
supervisor about it, who said it couldn't be done and he let me go.

When a newspaper calls wanting you to subscribe, listen to all they have
to say and sound real excited about getting it. Ask to be put on the
list for the Braille edition.

I already subscribe to your newspaper, and I only use it to line the
bottom of my birdcage. You should see the patterns Polly likes to make
on them! My dog likes to fetch it too, have you seen that movie with
that guy that was on the front page of the paper the other day? I seen
it and it was pretty dumb. (ramble on and on until they hang up... then
call them back if you can and continue with your conversation)

Finally! I've been waiting for this moment for a long time! What page am
I going to be on? I always knew you were going to put me in the
newspaper!! Wait... I need to call a couple of friends to tell them to
get a copy. What day are you coming over to take my picture?

"I work in a library... I read for free."

If it is a company offering to sell you newspapers (or anything else) at
half price, for a year. Ask them if you can get it for half a year for
free. I know that this makes no sense mathematically, but it sure
confuses the moron on the other end of the line. Persist. Nothing annoys
them more than persistence. Who knows, you might just get it.

A telemarketer once called our house selling magazine subscriptions. My
wife kept him on the phone for a full twenty minutes expressing interest
in every magazine he offered. I could just imagine how excited he was at
the prospect of a huge sale.

After a lengthy conversation he tried to close the sale, at which time
my wife informed him that he was real nice and his offers seemed truly
exciting but that she couldn't place an order. "Why not?" he asked. "I'm
blind," my wife responded.

I get a lot of newspaper/magazine telemarketing junk calls. It goes
something like "Hi, this is Bob from the Blah Blah Newspaper, we would
like to offer you a great deal if you sign up for our paper for the next
99 weeks or so" and I invariably reply "No way, thanks." They will
ALWAYS ask "Well, why not?!" To this, I reply "Well, I used to subscribe
to it and didn't like it, so I started lining the bottom of my birdcage
with it and it sucked so bad it gave my cockatoo a rash! By the way,
where can I mail the vet's bill?"

TM: Good afternoon, may I speak with Mr. Black?
ME: (really strong foreign accent): Yahhhh..???
TM: (Goes into long sales spiel).... Then waits for feedback
ME: Ahhh!! Yahhhh!! Magazine!!! Yooo give me mah-gah-zeen!!!
TM: Uh... No, Sir... We are selling offering you a subscription to...
ME: Yes!!! Yes! Yes! Mah-gah-zeen! Like mah-gah-zeen! (shouting into the
background): Maria! Maria! Maria! Man give me mah-gah-zeen! I keep this
up till the telemarketer gets frustrated by my apparent lack of
knowledge of English and hangs up, or asks to speak to someone in the
household who speaks English a little better. At this point I hand over
the phone to a friend or my g.f. who speaks NOTHING but gibberish (Or a
real actual foreign language that you KNOW the TM will not speak)...
TM: Hello?
FRIEND: AHHHH!!!! Yaga ma zee tu neetolu fa mageh he zodizodi yaha metz
wayeee tu nikolumasahafa gehh!! ZO la? Maahhh--gaahhhh-zeeeennn, YAH? By
this time the TM is always too frustrated to go on and just hangs up!

After explaining all of the "benefits" of the newspaper/mag, announce to
the TM that you are illiterate. Silence. If he/she tries to continue the
call, try to get him/her to teach you to read.

I'm already a subscriber to your newspaper because I can't afford toilet
paper....

Photography


PHOTO STUDIOS

I have gotten several calls from photography studios. My favorite
comeback is: I'm afraid I'm not very photogenic. They say that they can
make anyone look "glamorous/beautiful/handsome" etc.... I say, Well, I'm
currently undergoing Chemotherapy, weigh about 90 lbs. and all my hair
has fallen out. I also have these hideous purple splotches all over my
face.... They have usually either hung up by now, or apologizing
profusely. I haven't gotten a call from them in months now.

Can you take a picture of me naked?

Photo Studios. this one worked for me about 4 years ago and they never
called back... TM: would you like blah blah of your children for only
19.95? YOU: nah, my kids are buttugly. as stupid as it seems, it worked.

"I just had my kid's pictures taken with you about a month ago, and the
photographer was a little too friendly with the kids, I wouldn't get
pictures taken with your sicko company if you guys paid me!"

My aunt used to be a telemarketer for a photography company and called
people. One response to a solicitation was that they were Vampires and
could not be photographed and promptly hung up!

Play the manic-depressive lonely person: "Wow, your picture offer sounds
like a really great deal, but I have no one to give pictures to.. My
family abandoned me, and everyone at work hates me.. I don't have anyone
I can call a friend. It would really be a waste of my time to come in
and get pictures taken... (Don't pause here) ..unless I can give some
pictures to you or your staff? "

If you can make it this far without laughing, you've probably freaked
the telemarketer out pretty good. Now you can reel 'em in. "How late are
you open today? I can be there in about 15 minutes... -click-" Home
Improvement


HOME IMPROVEMENTS
TM: Hello, my name is Dumass from Rip-U-Off Inc. Is Mr. Smith home?
Me: Yes, speaking.
TM: I am offering to you vinyl replacement siding at a discounted rate.
(Rambling for 30 seconds.) How is your siding holding up?
Me: I don't have vinyl siding. I have brick.
TM: Have you ever considered changing to vinyl siding?
Me: No I have not.
TM: May I ask why?
Me: I am a carpenter, and I built this house myself. It really offends
me that you think my craftsmanship is less than superior to what your
vinyl siding can do for my home. Not to mention what adding vinyl siding
to a brick house can do to resale value. By the way, do you know how
long brick will last compared to vinyl siding?
TM: (after stammering a bit) Not really. But our vinyl siding is
guarenteed for 15 years.
Me: I'll ask you again, do you know the resale value on a home that has
brick verses one that has vinyl siding?
TM: (after stammering a bit more) I'm sorry, I don't know.
Me: If you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you.

Here's one I did last night, Allied Comfort (a furnace cleaning
organization) calls me and offers a furnace cleaning for $19.95 (why not
just say $20?). I told her "Are you kidding? I don't have a furnace, I
live in a box!" Sounding a bit puzzled, the telemarketer responds "an
office?".. No! I said I live in a box! (telemarketer laughs hysterically
then hangs up on me)

Do you get goat's blood out?

Or: Can you get blood out of carpet, you know all that DNA and stuff?

(TM) "Hi! Would you like a free furniture cleaning ? All you have to do
is listen to our sales pitch at the end.... " (you) Yeah, sure... My
uncle Freddie died on the couch last week while we were on vacation, and
after they came to pick him up, the smell was so bad.... we still can't
get it out! Can you get it out? come on over here is my address.....Have
you ever seen a bloated body after sitting a week?

I once had a telemarketer call and ask me if I wanted to buy vinyl
siding for my home. I said "sure come on over". I wish I saw their faces
when they arrived at a 72 apartment complex made of brick. I never heard
from them again.


TM: Hello, this is Spammi for X Carpet Cleaning...
Me: yeah...can you get like stains out of carpet?
TM: Sure, we can remove pet stains, etc...
Me: Good...cos see, they just started letting me live with humans again
and me and my foster-dad haven't got housetraining down yet... Bowser,
you wanna talk on the phone?

Chemlawn (the bastards) called, wanting to sell some chemical
treatment...the conversation went like this (names changed to protect
the guilty):

TM: Is Mrs. Albino there?
Me: Yeah...may I ask who's calling?
TM: Well, this is CHemLawn and we're offering lawn treatment...
Me: Not interested.
TM: Well, ma'am, it's just $39.95...
Me: Still not interested.
TM: It's just lawn treatment, ma'am...
Me: Sorry, I like my lawn the way it is.
TM: It's just weed killer...
Me: I *LIKE* the weeds in my yard, thank you very much. Weeds are
GOOD.I'm trying to ENCOURAGE the weeds, actually, seeing as I'm doing a
nature preserve in my backyard...
TM: Really, ma'am, it's only $39.95...simple feed-and-weed...
Me: YOU ARE NOT SPRAYING MY WEEDS. GO AWAY. *click*
(you think they'd have gone away after I told them I LIKED weeds...)

A telemarketer called and said he wanted to sell me light-bulbs. After
running through his spiel about how inexpensive and energy-efficient
they were I told him I was blind and had very little use for
light-bulbs!

My favorite are pest control companies. I tell them I have a MAJOR pest
control problem but will only hire them if they guarantee to kill the
pests dead, dead, dead! When they ask what kind of infestation I have, I
tell them: telemarketers, and when you can exterminate them, I'll hire
your company. But I want them killed slowly, and with as much pain as
possible. What are your rates?

A chemlawn (or some such person) called wanting to know if he wanted to
have his lawn poisoned. He said it sounded interesting but he had just
had his lawn paved over...he got tired of mowing it. They didn't have a
comeback, except "Thanks! Click."




CABLE TELEVISION

When the cable company called trying to sell me prime channels such as
HBO or Cinemax, I knew that just saying, "Well I don't think I watch
enough television." wouldn't do anything because they'd probably have a
rebuttal for that. So instead I said, "Uh huh... Well you see I don't
watch enough TV? In fact, I'd like to cancel my cable subscription. Can
you do that for me now?" And the guy got noticeably nervous on the phone
and stammered and such. It was very funny. Here he is trying to sell
something and suddenly he's got to do everything he can to not lose a
customer!

You know, you should call my neighbor instead.... I'm getting cable free
from him!

My cable guy already set me up with a deal. I get all the channels.

How many adult channels do you have, I won't change from my satellite
provider unless you have at least 4.

TM: Would you like to subscribe to the Cable Guide?
You: I'm psychic, I already know what's on TV and how It's going to
end... It's pointless for me to even watch cable actually.

What is Cable TV?

THE "I HATE CABLE" RANT
"You know, I have 87 channels, and there is never anything good on...
Why is that? I'm paying $50 a month so I can have 10 friggin' shopping
channels and stupid channels like the knitting channel or some other
crap! Your promises of fiber-optic super clear picture are a bunch of
lies! I remember getting better reception with my old "rabbit-ears"
antenna. What kind of scam are you guys running, anyway? Why don't I
bill YOU for all the times my cable went out while the game was on?!
I've had it up to here with your pathetic excuse for a service! If you
guys don't get your sh*t straight, I'm gonna climb the pole, yank your
wires out and come down there and wrap 'em around your neck! And to top
it all off, you call me in the middle of dinner to try to get me to pay
for more channels! What kind of fool do you think I am?"

By this time they've probably hung up on you, or are apologizing profusely




LONG DISTANCE & PHONE COMPANIES

With telephone companies: I hope that they call every 5 months so that I
can keep receiving the 40% discounted rates. I usually comment about how
my current company sent me a check for $50. They will usually match that
amount and I will switch. It keeps the money coming in and the long
distance rates down.

Try this one; The Next time AT&T, MCI, Sprint, etc. calls, listen to
their opening spew, and tell them with great enthusiasm "That sounds
GREAT!, wait... can you hold for a minute?....." Leave the phone off the
hook until they hang up. I've heard that AT&T held for 13 minutes on
someone. How's THAT for turning the tables on the phone company!

MCI started calling me routinely and never left a message on my machine.
The MCI solicitor caught me at home one Friday evening and started in
with his sales pitch. I said, "I'm not very interested, thank you." and
he said, "Well aren't you interested in saving money, Ms. Smith?" I
said, "Excuse me, what was your name? Carl? Let me get this straight,
I'm at home having fun with friends watching a movie on Friday night and
you're stuck in a sweatshop doing the world's most despicable dead-end
job and you're offering ME financial advice? No thanks!"

A friend of mine recently suggested that when telephone companies call,
simply tell them that you are planning to start your own telephone
company. It definitely gives them pause for thought, and you can
gracefully exit.

When long-distance companies call, offering to save me money, I explain
that my dad worked for the phone company until he retired, and if I
switch my long-distance carrier from AT&T and he finds out, I'll be
disinherited. Now, my dad's not a rich man, but I doubt that any
competitor can save me enough money to make up for that.

Bonus: If the caller is very persistent, I mention that dad's real sick,
and they could try calling again in a few weeks.

Why do you insist on calling the payphone outside of my cardboard box?
This phone is for the homeless!

Ask very technical questions like "If I am using a fiber optic network
how long can I sustain a baud rate of over 56k over your long distance
lines over how many miles?"

Do I get a free chicken like the other companies are giving out? I won't
switch unless I get a free chicken

TM: Would you like to save money on your long distance?
You: No, I like to piss money away.

Once, a long distance company called me and asked if I made long
distance phone calls. I said no, and they asked "then why are you paying
money every month to your current long distance carrier?" I told them
paying bills made me feel empowered. Needless to say, they hung up.

A while ago I was a salesperson for XXXX Telecommunications (I am no
longer, but I still use their long distance). During this time I got a
call trying to sell me long distance at 9 cents per minute (XXX was 10
cents/min at the time).

After listening to the spiel (I was bored) I asked one question: "What
is your monthly service charge?"

When she answered "$3.95 a month," I ripped her sales pitch into small
pieces. "My current charge is $1.00 per month, so I would lose $2.95 for
using your service. Since you only save me 1 cent per minute I would
need to make at least 295 minutes of long distance calls before I
actually start saving money. My current average is less than 70 minutes
of long distance calls, therefore I would need to INCREASE (word
emphasized vocally) my usage by more than 300% in order to save ANY of
the money you claimed at the beginning of your call." I paused, she did
not respond. "You are wasting my time, your call has been logged. If you
or any representative of your company ever call me again, I bill my time
at $50 per hour, minimum of 1 hour increment. Have a nice day. "

This one is easy:

NO SPEAKA ENGISH! - Keep repeating until the telemarketer hangs up. If
the telemarketer comes back with "Habla Espanol?" Start making up
responses based on Taco Bell products.. "No enchalada por taco la
gordita!" .... " Como nacho el mucho grande, y meximelt por favor?"




SWEEPSTAKES & FREE PRIZES

I got a call once telling me that I had won some coupon book, "free for
only $29.95". All I had to do was tell them what nationally famous
product was advertised by the slogan "Good to the last drop". My answer
of "Otis Elevator" did not make me a winner.

Did you win something!? 99.99% of the time the REAL answer is NO. Play
with their mind. I won $100,000.00 ? Well, just send it to me in cash.
Otherwise I don't have time for your chump-change offers, I make more
than that in a day. Or, if you have won a free trip to Florida or the
Bahamas,(another popular scam) Say to them, Do you mean I have to leave
my house? NOOOOOOOO! Not the sunlight, Are you INSANE? Listen for their
reply. Keep them going.

A man called up my grandmother, and said that she had won a free
vacation. She replied "Wonderful! I haven't been on a vacation since my
husband lost his job!" For some reason, the guy hung up

My dad got repeated phone calls from some guy who wanted him to invest
in something. He kept promising him a high return on his initial
investment. My father tried to persuade him by saying he didn't have any
extra money to invest right now, but the guy persisted and kept calling
back. Finally, he called and told my father that they had a new offer
and for only $500 he had the potential of earning $10,000. My father
said "well great. Then you know what if you're willing to put up the
initial $500 for me I'll pay you back when I get my return". He never
heard from him again.




FROZEN MEATS & FOOD SERVICES

This is a nice technique that a friend of mine clued me into...

This works on anyone trying to sell frozen meats/foods. You don't
>really< need to be Jewish to use this ;-) .

Ask the solicitor if the meat they sell is kosher, as you keep a kosher
kitchen. VERY seldom will you get much of a response before they hang up
(if they're even a bit honest!).

This has even worked for us gentiles. ;-)

Ask them for really bizarre meats. Kangaroo, zebra, three-toed sloth,
long pig...you get the idea. "But really, I DO need the human hams for
the Jeffery Dahmer memorial banquet..." *click*

Ok, so you'll come over and deliver groceries to my house every week If
I buy your big freezer huh? Well, I have a HUGE freezer, you know... one
big enough to hold a human. I'll just have to make room somewhere else
for grandma.




CHARITY COLLECTING SCUM

CHARITY COLLECTORS DO NOT HAVE TO FOLLOW THE RULES OF THE TCPA, THEY ARE
ALWAYS ASKING FOR SOME KIND OF DONATION FOR THIS OR THAT, USUALLY
TELLING YOU ABOUT SOME KIND OF TAX DEDUCTION. THE GRIM TRUTH IS THAT
THESE CHARITY TELEMARKETERS, VOLUNTEER OR NOT, SOAK UP MOST OF THE MONEY
THAT GETS DONATED TO THEM.

IF YOU GIVE MONEY OR EVEN GIVE THE SLIGHTEST IMPRESSION THAT YOU ARE
WILLING TO GIVE, THESE SO-CALLED KIND HEARTED PEOPLE WILL SELL YOUR NAME
TO EVERY CHARITY LIST THAT IS WILLING. IT'S JUST AS BAD AS GIVING OUT
$20 BILLS ON HALLOWEEN IN THE POOR PART OF TOWN

Have you ever had someone call you, and ask you to donate to the
"(Association of Fire-Fighters/Police/etc."? Ask them this: Are you a
fireman? (If not...) Are you in anyway affiliated with the Fire Dept.?
More than likely the real answer is NO, other than collecting money for
them. If they do say yes, 99% of the time they are lying. My wife got
suckered about 2 years ago by those bastards; when the bill came, I
didn't pay it. I think they sent one notice afterwards. I suggest you do
the same if they ever get you.

"You are collecting for the hungry third world countries starving kids?
You know what... Why doesn't that cameraman on those commercials give
the little bastards some food! I bet he packs a lunch for his day of
work to videotape starving kids!"

Ask the caller what percentage the telemarketing company takes out of
the donations they collect. In reality, the telemarketing firm takes
about 75% of the money they collect or more... don't let them tell you
any different.

This one really pisses the cancer society collectors off:

"No thanks, I'm pro-cancer"

Don't you people get enough of my tax money? Give me a break!

I will never, ever give any money to anyone who calls me on the
telephone. If I give money to you, You will sell my name to other
charity collecting bastards and they will be asking for a f*ing hand
out. Don't ever call my house again!

I used to drive "charity" callers nuts. When someone called,
asking for a donation to the Fireman's Association (or whatever), I'd
ask the caller "How much are you giving?" When the (salaried) caller
responded "nothing," I'd go in for the kill. "How can you in good
conscience as me to give money to a cause you don't see fit to give
to yourself?" I once got a caller so flustered she hung up on me :-)



LIGHT BULBS

Being a lighting distributor that also hates telemarketing, I have some
suggestions for those moments when a telemarketer calls to sell you
light bulbs. These questions are based on actual light bulb terminology,
which will arouse enough suspicion to keep them interested but doubtful.
I like to end the call telling them that from what they are selling the
bulbs for, I could probably make them a much better deal on them and
would love to come to their office and make a sales pitch. I also like
to them that they should support a locally owned small business like
mine.

At times it is questionable if these organizations really have
handicapped people working for them. Don?t be afraid to ask what the
handicap is of the person you are talking to. If they are presenting
themselves to you as a handicapped person, you have a right to ask. If
it is some dubious handicap, have fun and make every rude suggestion
about what they can do about it. I once had one of these people tell me
they had a hangnail and fake surprise when I stated that I had one once
and I got it taken care of.

Start by asking what type of filament the light bulbs have.

Is it a CC-9 or just a C-9?

Are they frosted or clear?

Do they contain mercury? I understand some manufacturers have low
mercury ones that are better for the planet.

Is there solder in them or are they lead free? I ?m very concerned about
the environment.

Is the socket part aluminum or brass? When they answer, tell them you
like the other kind better.

Does your price include installation? How many people at your company
does it take to change a light bulb?

Are these light bulbs approved by The Illuminating Engineering Society?

How many footcandles do they put out? If they have the answer, ask them
what a footcandle is.

How many lumens do they put out? Again, if they answer, ask them to
explain what a lumen is to you.

When you?ve had enough tell them, no thanks, I own a lighting business
and we sell those to hotels and apartment buildings every day for 33
cents each in cases of 120.

The beauty of this in my town is that the next number they call is my
parents who tell them "No thanks, my son owns a light bulb company and
we just get them from him."




MILITARY

I think my best one though was when the military kept calling me. Yes
the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines call high school Juniors and
Seniors and try to talk them into throwing away the next 4+ years of
their life. Anyway my particular problem was with the Army. They called
me at least once a week, if not more. I tried everything to get rid of
them I would tell them I had severe asthma and even that I was 5'2''
tall, weigh 295 pounds, and had heart palpitations. They would still
call so one day I decided to do something crazy. I hit on the guy who
called me. I am male, and straight BTW, but I hit on the guy and asked
him to dinner. He was really flusters and said to me "Well maybe the
Army isn't for you" and hung up on me. The thing that makes this so
great was no one from the armed forces has called me since.



DATING SERVICES

TM: (calling for a dating service) Good evening, Mr. Williams. I'm
calling for the Find Perfect Partners dating service, dedicated to
helping singles such as yourself find the perfect partner!

Me: Great! I'm looking for a new partner. I want a partner who plays
both Jacoby and Texas transfers, Bergen raises, ---

TM: What?

Me: Bergen raises over One Heart or One Spade

TM: What?

Me: A raise to 2 shows exactly 3-card support and 6-9 HCP. An artificial
bid of 3 clubs shows--

TM: Is this some kind of card game? (sounds irritable)

Me: Of course, duplicate bridge.

TM: I mean DATING and MARRIAGE partners!

Me: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were calling from the American
Contract Bridge League partnership service for the upcoming sectional
tournament.

TM: Click.