FUNNY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
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My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not
here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you
owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi. Now you say something.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to
it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

(From a Japanese fellow in Toronto) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave
message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these
magnets.

Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with
her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My
owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they
will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a
message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message.

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy
now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist
suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to
leave your name, number, and a message.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns
are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is
done, our computers will be able to use the sound of *your* voice for
literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for
this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists
will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our
service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak
clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right ... really slowly. So leave a
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.